Panic! And the Anxiety

Hey guys.

So I felt impressed to write about this because it was something that I had no knowledge of previously. I thought I understood. But the truth is, no. I didn't. This is truly something that you don't understand until you're experiencing it. I also don't think that there are any words that can accurately express, but I thought I would give it a shot.
The first time I experienced true anxiety was 2 weeks ago. It was in the middle of my personal training session. I don't remember the second half of that session, except my trainer saying "Come on! Put some energy into it!" But there was no way I could put any energy into it, because it was going to my brain to overthink, like it usually does. But this was more intense. There was a twist in my stomach and my heart started pounding hard and fast.
The feeling didn't subside. It actually started intensifying. That wasn't something I had expected. I didn't think it could get worse, but it did. Breathing was hard. My heart and stomach were in a vise grip. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I just worried and worried and worried.
By the time I got home, I had a full fledged panic attack that night. I think. It's a blur now. All I could do was pace from my room to the bathroom and be basically hysterical. Bless my sister for trying to help me. She sent me a guided meditation that helps her when she has anxiety. I put my headphones in and tried to pay attention and do what the meditation was saying, but as I did that, my panic level grew. And grew. I ripped my headphones out of my ears and ran downstairs to her. I don't know what I was expecting her to do, but I went into Kindsey's room and told her I couldn't do it. I was breathing heavily, and was frantic. I had chest pains.
So I called my mom. She was able to talk me down enough that I was able to fall asleep that night.
This was the week of Thanksgiving, which was a REAL shame because Thanksgiving has my favorite food EVER. But as the anxiety built up, my apatite was decreasing. So was my intake of liquid of any kind. I was better when I was actively talking to people about interesting things. If it wasn't captivating enough, my mind would wander and I would start worrying again.
I do have a person in my life who is very important to me, and whenever they were around, the attacks would be less intense. So I wanted them with me all the time.
The following week arrived.
I had barely eaten more than half of one meal a day since before Thanksgiving day. I was getting shaky, which I actually mostly attribute to the panic attacks, but also had to do with the fact I was getting less than 1,000 calories in a day. Most days were around 300-400. In the time from Tuesday the previous week to Wednesday the following week, I dropped 6 pounds. That is too much, too fast.
My heart rate was consistently pounding. I would grab my friends' hands and work and put them on my chest so they could see what I was talking about.
I had been able to sleep pretty well during this, which is a shock and a blessing. Usually if I worry about something even a little bit, it manifests in my dreams and scares me to death. But I had no such experiences during this time.
I was slowly turning into a ghost. I stopped talking to all but one of my friends at work. I only spoke to co-workers if I had to. I mostly kept headphones in with some sort of YouTube videos playing constantly because they were a great distraction. (Make up tutorials.. They soothe my brain, and I'm completely shocked by that.)
By Thursday, I had a small break through. I was hungry for the fist time in over a week. I ate most of my meal, which was GREAT because earlier that day, I had tried to eat something, and the anxiety had my stomach so tight that about 3 bites into it, I threw it up.
I took the day off of work on Friday so that I could unwind. I thought I had reached the end of the anxiety trail.
When I woke up on Friday, I was still filled with nervous energy. I tried sitting and watching videos to tune my brain out, but it wasn't helping. I needed to move. I ended up going to Target with a friend. Just wandering around and looking at all the things as distraction.
I had one more, less severe attack yesterday. Where I started to panic again. I called my dad and talked to him. I decided that I needed a blessing to help me be strong enough to handle the stress. He gave me a great blessing. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to feel that peace right away. It did take about 30 minutes for it to arrive.
I spoke with my best friend James. She has been such a supportive friend through this. I have felt so bad because it was all I could talk about. It was all I could think about. But any time I needed to talk, she wouldn't push me away or say "stop worrying". She would let me talk out my fears and concerns. She'd help give me confidence, and help me focus on my faith instead of my fear.
That's the thing about anxiety. Anxiety doesn't care about logic. You can't reason with it. You have all of the facts. Things that are 100% true, but anxiety wants to make sure you think you way out of those facts. It also doesn't care about your well-being. I have never been one who thinks suicidal thoughts. But anxiety makes you BELIEVE that is your only option. That it's the only way to cope. It doesn't care that you have work to do. It doesn't care that friends need your help. It is ALL CONSUMING. It's not a feeling you can shut off. Worry is something you can shut off. But worry that is founded from anxiety is something you have to ride out. There are good moments, and there are bad moments. One of my friends said hers would have given up by now, while mine was still strongly rooted and fully functioning.
Last night, I had a breakthrough. I actually got a hold of my brain again. It was like waking up. I had been floating around, barely even living, and suddenly I was back in the drivers seat of my body. I was a little concerned that it might not last until today. But it did. I was hopeful. And still in control. Instead of sitting and stewing, I was able to brush the thoughts off as unproductive. I hadn't been able to do that. Even thought I had been CONSTANTLY telling myself that this entire time. "Why are you worrying? There isn't anything you can do! This is a waste of time and energy. You're making yourself sick." And guys. I really did think I was going crazy. I lost myself completely. It was a scary feeling. And I felt broken. Damaged. That I had damaged myself because I couldn't turn the worry off in my brain.
So to wake up today and have hope...to be in charge of my thoughts again.. was such a massive relief and joy. I've been able to stay positive all day today. With some of the worry sinking in now and again, but I have been able to brush it away. Food is still hard to eat. I haven't had much to eat in so long that my stomach doesn't know how to handle it. Sometimes it's fine. Other times I get really sick. That's currently my focus right now. I'm 8 lbs down in a week and half and attempting to stop that number from going down anymore. I didn't care about it before when I had no control, but now that I am myself again (for the most part) I am focusing on trying to get my body back into a healthy condition.
Anyways. I just wanted to put words to this. I thought I understood anxiety. I thought that I knew the ins and outs of the fear. But I was so, so wrong.
If you have anyone in your life that is suffering from anxiety or panic attacks, please keep this is mind. They don't WANT to be overcome with fear. But they are. They don't want to think about it ALL THE TIME. But they are. They don't want to have panic attacks that stress their loved ones out. BUT THEY ARE. Support them as best as you can. It will be hard. My poor family and friends have had to constantly support me for over two weeks. And it's draining. I could see it in faces, and hear it in voices. But talking out loud to someone who cares and won't judge you is such a massive help. And guess what. It probably is 6 times a day. But like I said before.. Anxiety makes you think suicide is your only option. If I didn't have the support system that I had, I don't know what would have happened in the middle of those attacks. I am so grateful and so blessed to have those people in my life. And if you know someone who suffers from this, try to be that person to them. It is priceless. Your effect could save their life.
As always, I love you guys. I hope you are all well. If you ever experience this, please feel free to reach out to me. I will gladly be your sounding board.

A Quick Catch-up and a Question

Guys. It's been a minute since I wrote anything. Maybe even two minutes. I've had a busy... really long time, I guess. If I'm being honest, I don't even remember the last thing I wrote about. I have been meaning to write because I've had at least one crazy date since the last time, and man.. that really deserves to be posted in my "Wall of Shame" gallery of terrible dates. I think I'll post one after this because this first part is more serious, and I don't want to end on a serious note. I want you laughing like I try to do every time.

Today, I've been in a really bad head space. The kind that makes you think about everything too much and then you start to feel really bad about every little thing in your life. I know I usually bare all in these blogs, but not this time. This it's something that's more personal than anything I've really posted before. I didn't realize that these were fears I possessed. I also would prefer that they weren't in existence. They are the ruiners of things. But, I wanted to write a little about it because I felt like I wouldn't be able to let it go otherwise. *Insert "Let It Go" from Frozen here.

Though I think most people will be able to identify with this, though I'm more interested in the ladies who have been in my shoes and I want to know.. Or even if you were maybe on the other side of this issue (like someone was questioning about you), I'd be very interested in hearing about that as well.

When you guys were finding your significant other, dating someone seriously, or even just had someone you liked a lot, did your insecurities become more pronounced? Not really physical insecurities (weight, how your hair looks, etc.) but the ones that you brain tells you at like.. 2 AM?

I haven't ever really worried about what I really meant to someone, or for what reasons they liked me. I just always assumed that anyone who went out with me just liked the physical aspects. Most of the dates I went on were just so that nobody could say anything about me not dating. I didn't care what they thought of me or what the really wanted because I was so uninterested. All I had to do was tough out a few awkward hours.

How did you keep a cool head? I want to be able to sit back and enjoy the experiences that life throw at me! I don't want to worry about heavy things. But, anyone who is an over-thinker knows that sometimes our brains run away without our permission. Silly brains.

Anyways!!! Enough with that! Let's get to the real reason I post on here! To tell you silly stories about terrible dates I've been on!

This one is one person, but 3 dates. Guys, I shouldn't have gone on the second one. That was such a mistake. Even the second one was a mistake, but it's happened and now I have to move on! It will be in my memory bank until I die. 

This was a date from.. Dun dun duuuuuuuun *that was suspenseful music* online. But he and I talked for about 2 weeks before I decided to go on a date with him. We decided on an ice cream date because it's quick and if it goes well, you can do another activity, or if it's terrible, you can leave right after 20 minutes. 

Here's a little fun fact for you. A lot of guys will use the hook of "active LDS" as a hook to get the girl, but really, they don't live that way. That was one of those situations. And I know, people make their choices and their mistakes. It makes more sense when the mistake is both of the people. Consensual. This though. This I think is one of the "hook" situations.

I was kind of excited for this date. We had good conversations. They were clean, and he didn't allude to wanting to make any moves besides just talking. So, I was feeling pretty good. 

We met in Provo and went to Rockwells. First impressions; he was a lot more handsome in person. And also a lot shorter. I think with my little heels on, he was a bit shorter than me. But it was fine. We went and got our ice cream and found a bench nearby to talk. We ended up talking for about 2 hours! It was going well, except he saw the girl he was just dating and that was awkward.

The date was going well, and it was a weekday, so I figured after two hours, we were good to go. Instead, he said "Let's go on a walk." I'm thinking, 'Yeah. Provo is a good place to go on a walk. Especially University Parkway.' So we started walking. We crossed the street over by Zion's Bank. I thought he was going to walk me over to my car. But no. He was walking me to his. I starting thinking 'Oh no. This is how I die.. I should run.. I should leave.' But I didn't. Like I said, he didn't ever bring anything up about kissing or things like that.

So, we got into his car. (I know. I shouldn't have done it. Mistakes were made.) He was looking for a park. We didn't find the park. We would up on the side of the mountain in a subdivision that is being developed. This was apparently a popular make out spot. There was one car that was already up there. This was also during July because you could see fireworks EVERYWHERE! It was awesome. 

Almost immediately, he leaned over and kissed me. I remember thinking that he was a pretty good kisser, until his hand drifted downward to my boob. Really, I don't mind that a lot, except that it's a first date. And maybe you should wait to do that later? He didn't. 

He leaned back and started insinuating that he wanted to move to the back seat. That shocked me enough to say "No.. I need to go home. It's late." And as I'm saying that, he's still kissing me. He said "No, you can't. Not yet." And I finally got enough guts to say "No. I'm really nervous right now. I need to go home." He asked why, and I had to relive the experience of my first kiss. (Which it had been.. 3ish years since then anyways, and I hadn't kissed anyone after that because it was really not my favorite moment.) How when I asked him to stop, he wouldn't. 

He said "OH." and then backed up immediately. At the time, I still thought I could like him, so I stayed facing him as he drove so that he could know that I didn't shut him down because I wasn't interested in him.

We talked for another 40 minutes and I went home.

Our second date, I kind of figured was going to be a "meet up and kiss a bit" type of thing. I was okay with that because, like I said. He was a good kisser. He texted me on a Sunday and asked if I wanted to hang out. I told him "Sorry, I'm cleaning." At the time, I wasn't though. I did immediately get up and start cleaning so that I wouldn't be a liar at least. He just kept saying "For an hour. Come on." So I gave in. I met him at a park by my parents house so that if I needed to run away, I would have somewhere to run to.

We met up and walked around for an hour. I could tell he wanted to get to the good stuff though because he kept saying "Should we keep going, or turn around?" I wanted to hold off a bit, and just kept saying "Let's keep going." So we did. 

When we finally got back to the parking lot, I was just going to go ahead and leave. And he said "You can't just go!" I said "Sure I can! I have stuff to do that you interrupted." But that didn't work. Instead I told him he had 15 minutes. He just opened his passenger side do. I got in the car and he immediately went for it. Not wasting any time!

We kissed for a couple of minutes before he said that the middle console was in the way. He said "Why are we up here?" I said in a kind of bitchy tone, "You opened the door. I got in. That's why we're here. You're responsible for this." He just said "True" as we moved to the back seat. Like I said. MISTAKES.

I really don't want to put too many gory details up here but basically my bra came unhooked and I was wondering if we were going to get arrested. At almost exactly 15 minutes, he stopped and said... "People." and I said.. "Yeah.. This is a public park."

We said a quick goodbye and I left.

At that point, I didn't want to see him again. Ever. He waited about 2 weeks before texting me and telling me he was coming over to my house. Now, he didn't know where I lived except that I was in Santaquin. So he said 'I need your address. I'm on my way.' I didn't want to give it to him. But he called. 

When I answered, I yelled, " JUST GO HOME! DON'T COME OVER!" Which still didn't work.

I caved eventually because he was in Spanish Fork.. I reiterate. MISTAKES.

He came over and I picked a movie that was super violent with zero romance, hoping to not get that mood going at all. It didn't work.

5 minutes into the movie, during a part where at least 20 people get stabbed with cutlery, he was using my back as a scratching post. UUUUUUUGH. I just figured. Let's get this over with. Maybe he'll leave. So we kissed for a few minutes. He was way too into it. 

Skimming over details that may be TMI, he stopped really abruptly, and then kind of waddled to the bathroom. You can fill in the gaps... *Gag*

I was hoping he'd leave after that kind of embarrassing moment, but he didn't. He was back to watching the movie after a few minutes. We did watch the movie for most of the rest. He did try to get something else started and he starting kissing me while I had my eyes on the show. He said "Oh.. You don't want to...?" And I said "I don't remember how this movie ends.. and I want to watch it.." Plus I was not keen on a repeat of the first round. 

We finished the movie and I walked him to the front door. I said "Drive safely." and shut the door. That was the last time I talked to him. Thank goodness.

Dating is a mess. All the time. If it's not some crazy, boring, or filthy guy, it's your brain trying to foul things up. 

I have been typing for what feels like a million years.. But I hope you enjoyed the stories! I'm sorry for cutting some of the details out, but you guys really don't want to know...  Really.

I love you all! And I hope I'm back again soon!

How Would I Even Describe This?

Guys. I have been both uninspired and inspired over the last however many months it's been since I've blogged. I'll tell you what. Though nothing has really happened, this has been one of the hardest years so far. I say so far because I know that things can and might get worse. That's a depressing thought. But, I thought I'd take a minute tonight and talk about some of the things that are going on and things that, maybe some of you won't agree with, but I'm going to mention anyways.
Let's get started.
So, it has been a year since I moved back here from Virginia. I know it was the right decision. At the time, I was so ready for it. I remember one night, I had just HAD it. I wasn't finding work. I was running out of money, and I felt like I was living off of other people. My sweet family and friends. But, I did get a call regarding the one job I had originally moved out there for. I was soooo excited and nervous. Unfortunately, I missed the call because we were at my cousin's graduation and I wanted to be present for it. You know how that is. I missed that call by 5 minutes. I called back when I got the voicemail. I assumed I would hear the reply "You got the job!!" Instead, I had to leave a voicemail.
Then came the waiting. This was on a Friday, and because it was the end of the work day, I would have to wait till Monday. That is when the panic set in. It became real: I might be living here. I might not see my family back in Utah for a while longer. I was scared. I know I had moved out there with the intention of living there. But after being unemployed for so long, I was really to just be back home in Utah. I prayed that I would be able to accept whatever happened. If I was offered the job, I would take it. If not, I would head back to Utah. At that point, I wanted to come back. And I made sure to tell the Lord that. "Heavenly Father, I know you know what's best for me. I will do whatever you want me to do. If I get that job, I will take it. If not, I'll go back. But Heavenly Father, I want to go home. I feel ready.."
That is the first time i have ever had a prayer answered the way I wanted it to be. At least, at the time. At the time, I was ready to leave. So when I got that call the following week and was told I didn't get it, I was sad, but relieved. I looooove my family out in Virginia. They were there at a crucial point in my life. A point that I had NEVER been. I was so scared. I didn't know why I was there. I had quit a job I was excelling at and moving forward with and was happy.
I know it was right to leave. One of my best friends, who I met because I lived with her, was getting married and was selling the house we lived in. She told me that the same time that I told her I was leaving. Everything unfolded so neatly. And I know I made the right decision because when I moved back, the same thing happened. It was so easy. By the time I came home and was here a couple of weeks, I had two jobs.
But, that meant moving away from my family, and my new best friends and their family. I knew it was going to suck. When they dropped me off at the airport (my very best friends) I cried. Ugly crying. And when I got home and realized I wouldn't see them anymore (at least not daily) I cried some more. I remember asking my mom how it was fair. How is it fair that the Lord sent me out there and gave me such beautiful people to fill up my life, only to have me leave them?? While I was there, I swear it was dream like. It was leaving reality. When I moved home, I was thrown back into the real world. I hated it. I remembered thinking that while I was in Virginia, I was truly happy. (Except near the end.) There were times I hated it because I wasn't doing anything worth while. At least not by working.
So, I came back. I worked my two jobs for a while. I kept in touch with my best friends as often as I could between our busy schedules and time difference. But at the same time, I have become less happy.
I don't want to say that I'm mad at the Lord. I really don't think I am. But, I find myself frustrated. I'm frustrated with me. I knew I wanted to come back. But doesn't He know better than me what will lead me to happiness? Would I actually be happier if I was still back there, with my family and friends? Am I happier here then I would be there? That's hard to say.
One thing my aunt taught me when I was there: nobody is perfect. It seems like a simple lesson. One that I was preaching every single day of my life. But, at the same time I was pushing myself to be perfect. I was failing miserably, and making myself unhappy in the process. I wanted to be perfect so that I could go to the temple. My aunt taught me that NOBODY who goes through the temple is perfect. If they were, we wouldn't need the temple. And that has changed me. After we talked about it for a week, she set up an appointment for me to get my temple recommend. And I got it.
It's since expired. And with that, I have felt that need to push myself again. To be harsh. But at the same time, my mind is rebelling against that pressure. I wasn't happy before when I was worried about every little thing.
Now days, I wouldn't be worthy to go to the temple. The few people that know this, I have talked about it freely with. But there are people I haven't told because I don't know what they'll do. For some people, this is no big deal and they will think "this is nothing. Why were you worried?" while others will be "disappointed in my decisions." But since I've been back, I decided I needed to find out what I want. Not what everyone else wants me to be or wants for me. So, with that being said, I have found ea love of wine. Oh yes. Wine. I said it! Before anyone gets all butt hurt about MY decisions, I'd like to say this. I know the dangers of drinking. I am aware of the road it could take me down. So, I am always very careful to monitor what I've had. I have drank to actually get drunk, one time. Don't lose your heads. I'm not going to say that this is a permanent life change. Because who's to say, in a week, I might decided that I don't want to. But this is the first time in my life that I MYSELF have made my own choice. I didn't make it because someone else wanted me to, and I didn't abstain because someone wanted me to. I did it because I NEED to make my own decisions now and figure out where everything fits in my life. This is also very recent. Like "it's been a month and a half" recent. So what I say next has nothing to do with the alcohol. It's just me being a very (terrible) human, and being brave enough to admit it to myself.
This is something that I have struggled with since I was 18 or 19. And I have had a hard time overcoming it.
If  you've known me since then, then you had heard all the stories about the missionary I waited for and how he broke my heart and destroyed the future I thought I had. Since I was young, all I wanted to do was get married and be a mom. And I thought that would happen for me about 5 years ago. But, we all know that didn't work out. It took a long time for me to actually go a day without thinking about that heartbreak. And how mad I was. It's fading finally, but there have been lasting marks on my heart since then.
When one of my best friends' missionary got back, and they got married, I was so insanely jealous. I was a bad friend because she was getting what I wanted. Why could she have it when I couldn't? How can the Lord bless her with this, and at the same time, deny me? Since that time, I have found it very very hard to be happy for people. I mean, I am happy for them, but it is only skin deep. My heart still breaks when I realize that I am NOWHERE that I expected to be at this time in my life. I wanted to be on my own with my husband and a kid. But no. I am alone. Living upstairs in my sisters house watching copious amounts of Netflix and Korean dramas. (Because I love them.) I tried that dating game too. But it sucks. The rejection hurts A LOT. Like the guy that stopped talking to me because I wasn't thin. I'm usually pretty happy with my body. With the exception of the big boobs because they are just ridiculous.
I would go out with people just to go out. I haven't gone out with anyone I was actually physically attracted to. Not for a long time. People tell me "you're too picky" but guess what? When it's not there, it's not there. Maybe a few years ago, I had higher expectations. But now? I don't think so.
As I was saying. Skin deep. I am happy that my friends are finding and getting the things they want and deserve. But at the same time, I am wondering why I have been left behind. It gets hard seeing all the photos of my friends cute babies and loving husbands on a daily basis. That's the danger with social media. We document every little thing because we are so wrapped up in what other people see of our lives.
 Sometimes, I just want to cut myself off from everyone because it is so much easier to to cope with loneliness when you can't see others happiness. And I know it's selfish. I KNOW IT. So don't say it. I can't help it. I kid you not, those two things have been the things I have staked my life on. The things I have worked so hard to be "perfect" for, so that the Lord would think I actually deserved them. And at this time, I suppose I am not deserving of them. I hope one day soon He will decide I'm ready. I have such brave friends who are in the same boat as me, and are enduring it so much better. Both inside the church, and outside.
And as time is going on, I find it easier to be happy for people, and forget my own pain. But since this is an old habit from a teenage me, it always takes time.
As I said before, this has been a VERY hard year. From being completely broke thanks to the ER visit I had in April, to me trying to find the joy in others joy. Trying to find myself when I have trying to be something for somebody else for so long.
I know I'll be okay. It takes time, but one day, I'll be a full functioning adult, and not the selfish, bitter, shell of a person that I feel like I have been for 5 years.
As always, I love you guys!

Choices

Wow, it has been a LONG time since I've blogged. Life has been a little crazy these last few weeks. I've been working my two jobs and trying to balance my personal life with everything else. It is exhausting. Plus, work has been stressful this week. For example, yesterday, I was planning on going running after work, as per usual. Except. Work was hectic and my nerves were just shot. So. I went to the store to get my chili stuff, threw it all in the crock pot, said screw it, got in the bath, then took a nap. Yeah. Adulthood is hard.
And working to jobs? The problem with that is you don't get time off. But when you do, you remember what it's like and it's really really hard to go back to working all of the FREAKING TIME. It is so mentally exhausting. Only physically during the week since I do my night job on Fridays and Saturdays. Once I feel secure enough though, I really just need to say goodbye to the night job.
By the way HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I technically started this blog before midnight, even though it's now after midnight. I totally loved scrolling through my Facebook page and seeing all the costumes my friends and family were so creative in coming up with! But, it did make me feel nostalgic for being younger. I miss being a teenager. I know a lot of people say they would never go back to high school. I would totally go back. Because, even though I had a lot of fun skipping school, I kind of put my future back. I could have been getting college credits, and a better education (as good as Utah can provide, anyway).
I have some friends that I really just miss. So much. Friends that, though we might seem like we are on different paths, which I guess some of us are, just have turned away completely. Does any person really deserve to have their friends or family turn away from them because they make some different decisions? Not really. I mean.. maybe if it's criminal like serious theft or murder..? But in normal, every day life? Not at all.
Examples? One of my friends kind of used to be a little... on the loose side? Not like she was sleeping around or anything, she just knew how to string boys along, use them for some smooching, maybe some other stuff, and then on to the next one! Does that make her a bad person? No. Her decisions were definitely different than mine. I probably judged her at the time. Out of jealousy I think. I have always wanted to be the girl that could just get any guy and make out with them a little, then move on. I never had the courage, and I was worried about where that would take me as far as my spirituality.
She's married with a child now. (Also, she has to be because this is Utah and our clocks are ticking!) Me? I didn't kiss anyone till last year, because I wanted it to mean something. It didn't. And also, off subject, after 10 months of  pondering that kiss, I have determined that it was not just a bad experience. It was a bad kiss. It was bass-akwards horrible. Wrong person. No skills. Nothing. So. That's a nice revelation.
Back to the other thing. She was just living her life, and enjoying herself. Now that I have managed to get my anxiety out of the way about messing up (the LDS religion is a LOT of pressure) I feel like I can branch out a little. I can do things that I feel comfortable doing. Like online dating and trying drinks. Now don't worry your pretty little heads, friends and family. I don't drink often. I drink rarely. So so rarely. But it's not because I am drinking just to drink. I don't ever plan on drinking a ton because alcohol addiction is a serious problem that runs in the family.
But because I have a drink once ever 4 months, does that make me a bad person? No. But I can't live my life thinking "I can't do this, I can't do that. If I do, I am lost to hell and it's seven circles." Because I AM NOT. My decisions are between me and the Lord. He is ever in my thoughts and I go through the day, trying not to strangle people. You just have to be trying. Ever improving. And believe me. We all have room to improve.
The one thing that I have been trying to de-program my brain into thinking is that the Lord hates me and every time I mess up, I am expecting punishment. Like, oh you had an alcoholic beverage yesterday.  Because of that, you'll lose your job today. Then get in a car accident. That will teach you.. I am pretty sure the Lord doesn't work that way. You have consequences. Like if I drank something and went driving, then got in a crash. That's totally my bad because I made that decision. But messing up, and trying to change the vindictive view of the Lord that I have in my head, can only be done when I am making mistakes. Not if. Because we all screw up. I'm just learning to not be so overcome with guilt that I am totally terrified. I'm learning to face that guilt head on, realize I messed up, and that I will try again. I will do better next time. That's the way to progress. Not to be paralyzed by fear.
It's also been a thing of mine, that I think the reason I am still single is that the Lord is punishing me because I can't go through one day without messing up. That's still one I struggle with, but it's the same principle. Only because being alone to me is going to be unbearable. I can't be by myself. I mean, I don't want to live with a bunch of girls, but I want a husband. A partner in life to support, and to help support me. To have someone that is on my side. And it has been so hard for me to wrap my head around this: some people who don't live by any of the standards of the LDS church have just a ton of stuff going for them. And when I was strictly abiding by it, I had nothing. My job sucked. I barely had enough money to live. Still alone. This is one thing to me that is so confusing. Life makes no sense.
Anyway. I think I've blogged myself out tonight. Time to work some more. I have like... 20 more trips up the stairs.. Ugh.
Night!

The Journey

Hey blog family. I really felt like I needed to write this post. Yes, I know it's late. But, since I am currently at my night job, I have the time. So, many of you know that I work at a home for girls who have substance abuse problems. They are so young! It breaks my heart. I honestly don't know if I could handle what these girls are going through. Tonight is the first night I've really seen the girls awake. Well one girl. Obviously, I can't give you details of this girl. But tonight, one of the girls was up and crying. Usually, they're in bed when I get here, and completely asleep. I guess she got permission to sit out in the hall and write in her journal. When I went up to do my next round, she was still out there with tears streaming down her face. On my next, she was in her bed, and still crying. This sort of this is so sad to me.
Why? Well, obviously, it really is terrible to see these girls in pain. Also, you have to put yourself in their place. They really have nothing at this point. They've been taken from their families, homes, friends, and normal way of life. (Granted, they aren't making excellent decisions to get here, but it's still their routine.) They are placed in a house with a bunch of other girls who have similar problems and struggles, different challenges. All who, admittedly, have an attitude, and lets face it, girls butt heads. They have all of their choices taken away from them. Their entire day is now planned out for them, from the time they wake up, till when they go to bed. Their food is chosen every day. It's just.. so hard. I don't think I would be able to do it.
Some of these girls run. They take off, and go missing for a while, then when they are found, they can end up in DT or if they are lucky, they can come back to one of our programs at the Journey. They aren't always allowed back.
But, the fact that these girls are struggling with this sort of stuff just seems so unfair. I know, we all have our choices, but these trials are for these girls, that the Lord knew they would be able to handle. Unfortunately, these girls don't know that they can handle it. They have no idea how strong they actually are. It might take them years to find out. They might not ever find out. And they don't trust adults, or people enough to listen to their therapists or guides when they tell them. They can only go as far as they let themselves.
I really have always wanted to be in this line of work. I would really like to do this during the day so that I would be able to interact with the girls and help them more than just checking on them every once in a while to make sure they haven't run, or anything. I'm so grateful that I do get to help. That on nights like this, I can ask a girl if there is anything I can do to help. I can only do so much. I really can't talk much to her, but, I can have her sleep on the couch and I can keep her company. Be the silent moral support. I just wish that all of these girls knew they were in the same boat, and they could help each other by being kind. And supportive. And for some of these girls, it really does click! And they know they have the chance to get better, and they make the effort. And that is one of my favorite parts about this job.
As part of our training, we have to read a couple of books. I've been reading the one called "The Anatomy of Peace". If you ever have the chance to read this book, do it. It will absolutely change your life. To give you a brief over view, it's about how we can all have a more peaceful heart and life by looking at people AS people, and not objects. For example. When someone cuts you off, you have now labeled as a jerk. A jerk, isn't a person, you have now made them to be an object. And because they are an object, you are more prone to be rude and call names. Once their a person again, you approach them with humanity. Like I said, brief overview, but really, it is an amazing book.
Also. Keeping in line with that train of thought, you never know what's going on with people in their own lives. If everyone was living behind glass walls, we might understand each other better. But we don't. We have to keep in mind that maybe.. this person does something because they've had a traumatic experience. Maybe some sort of abuse, or loss. Unfortunately, life can knock us down, and it can do it in such a way that we can't think of anything else to do but act out. Drinking and drugs to dull pain. Suicide to escape it. Bullying people to lessen your hurt, by making someone else hurt. Maybe in that respect, they are trying to bring someone to their level, to know how miserable they are. Misery loves company after all, so maybe that is more of a cry for help. Nobody really knows.
What I do KNOW, and I feel it's true, is that we have to be more respectful of people as people. And you can't run around trying to fix everything and every one. First, look to yourself and see if maybe the problem is in yourself, not with who you're conflicting. Once you've established this, you can step outside of yourself, and your own head to think of the problem objectively instead of internalizing it and making it personal. Once you can step out of your "box" and see all angles of the issue, only then can you not only help fix a problem, but prevent future problems.
Anyways. I think I got out all I wanted to say. Really, I can't say this enough. If you get the chance to read this book, do it. And maybe read it once a year to keep it fresh in your mind. I know its principles pop into my head at the moments I need it the most. Right when I think I'm going to lose my cool, I'll remember to get outside of my head and my "box" and it immediately helps me calm down and think rationally. Gosh. This is too deep for 1:30 in the morning.. Anyways! I love you guys, and sweet dreams! Or good morning.. just depending on whenever you read this.

The Justification

I have a major headache today, so I'm going to try to make this brief. So. All of my peeps know that I do the online dating thing. That wouldn't be totally necessary except that I really don't get options to go out and do things. If I were in school or something, then that right there puts me in the position to meet people of the male gender. Well, as that isn't financially possible at the moment due to my really weird employment, online dating it is.
I know. People can really suck online. Most people use it as a medium to hook up and what not. But, there are the few people who are looking to actually make a connection. They are just way harder to find. To try to avoid getting the attention of the dudes that just want that one night stand, my profiles specify that I am LDS, and that I'm not looking to hook up. (It legit says "I DON'T WANT TO HOOK UP. I don't believe in that because, dammit, I'm a lady. Classy huh?)
So. I think that makes it fairly clear. Sometimes, you have to use a profanity to make your point. I thought I was clear. Well. This has happened twice so far. These two guys both decided to write me. Both stated that they are LDS. In almost the same breath, they then state that they are looking for that one night stand thing. One was more like.. "I wish girls just gave out handies" which I told you about already. This next guy told me that he believes that sex is just another thing that needs to be practiced in moderation. Because apparently, the reasons that it was frowned upon back in the biblical days, doesn't hold up anymore. He said that he thinks that it was because kids need to be brought up in good homes. But because now we have contraception and birth control, it doesn't hold true.
WRONG. In fact. It's more important now than it was before! You want a list?? Okay. Here it is. Main one. ST FREAKING D's! I'm sorry, but just because you wrap it up, doesn't mean you are totally immune. Next. Babies. Now days, a LOT of babies are coming into this world with only one parent. That is now how a family unit is supposed to be. Things can happen later in life or what not that makes it so that child only has one parent. But only having one parent because you had a one time quicky in a bathroom?? No. No no no. And I'm not saying that single mothers are not doing all they can. I'm sure they are. And they are strong for doing it themselves.
Next. Emotional connection. Let me quote a favorite band of mine: "When a heart breaks, it don't break even." Someone is always going to feel the pain of that one night stand more than the other. Not to mention, one night stands make it so you don't have to connect with the other person. How is that right?? Even taking religion out of this: how is it okay to share something so special with someone who don't care enough about to learn their last name?? I don't think that's right. Not even a little.
The last reason I'm going to give in this: addiction. Now. The LDS has a really strict stance on pre-marital sex. Or anything related to it. Pornography, books and movies, so on. Did you ever wonder why that is? It's because people get so fixated on things pertaining to sex that it interrupts their normal life. Their sex lives with their spouse. Their lives with their friends and families.
The flip side of that coin is this. Because the church is sooooo strict about it, LDS kids have so much pent up sexual frustration. The temptation to sleep around is almost stronger for some because they have it on their mind. Thinking constantly, "I can't do that. I can't do that. Not till I'm married." What I'm going to say might be a little controversial. I think that it is wrong how the church makes young adults so afraid of sexual interaction. Sex is a natural process. It's perfectly normal. We shouldn't be taught to be afraid of it.
How are we made to be afraid of it? Because sexual sin is one of the more serious ones. BUT GUESS WHAT. We have the plan of salvation. That doesn't mean kids should be out fo'nicatin'. It just means: arm yourself. So you're strong enough to withstand the temptation. If you mess up, you do have the ability to repent. People make it seem so absolute. Like if you have sex before marriage, you are officially screwed (no pun intended) for eternity. That you can't do anything to make it better. You can! You just have to be strong enough and willing to admit you made the mistake and then repent for it. That is the hardest part.
I know how hard it is to get over that "you have to be perfect" mentality. My aunt had to help me with that so much out in Virginia. I always thought you had to be perfect to get into the temple. Like you can't be swearing. You can't have had coffee ever. You have to be just immaculate. Yeah. No. NOBODY on this earth is perfect. And if they say they are, they're lying.
And I know I have blogged about that before. So I'll stop now.
Basically the point of this: why does dating online have to automatically mean that you are just there for a hook up?? Apparently, even if you're LDS that's what it means. And I am so sick of it. I really wish there were a class that like.. Tom Hiddleston or some other really respectful British man could teach. Or I could just go there myself and find one.
Well, that is all for today so.. have a lovely afternoon my people.

Another Dating Tale of Woe

Me oh my. What a busy couple weeks this has been. I'm officially back in Utah. (Woo.) This is a happy thing, and also depressing as well. I miss Virginia. I miss my friends and family out there. I miss the amazing thunderstorms, and all the bright colors you can find in the animals or plants. I miss how the "traffic" out there is like, 6 cars. Seriously, getting home from the airport almost stopped my heart because I had forgotten what it was like to have one million other cars on the road with you. Even still, I find myself pushing the invisible breaks wherever I'm sitting.
However, being back has had a couple of advantages. One. My family. I love my family, and it's nice to be near them again. Two. I was offered a job already, and I had only been back a week and a half. Three. I'll have a car soon. Car=freedom. I'm a little sad though, because I haven't seen any of my friends. I did see my auntie, and cousins which was really nice! Followed by a pretty awesome pool party at the neighbors house! That was a blast, and we have some really really fun, sweet neighbors.
But, that is not exactly what I am going to blog about tonight. I know that I always tell you my misfortunes in dating. (I always say misfortune like they do in Pride and Prejudice. I don't know why, but that's how I hear it in my head."Oh yes, his misfortunes have been great." Someone name who says that line, and I'll send you a virtual high five.) Tonight though, I had the keen and unpleasant fortune to talk to a guy. A guy who said he's LDS. Well, I'm assuming he is NOT active based on the way that the conversation went. And you know, that's cool. I mean, you don't HAVE to be LDS for me to date you. Just be respectful of my religion and beliefs and I will show you the same courtesy.
*Reader discretion advised!! There is some mature content*
So, this guy had asked me a question. He had asked me if I was "innocent". Well anyone who knows me can answer this question. Yes. Yes I am. I cried after my first kiss for goodness sake. Grated, it wasn't just kissing that happened, but still. The statement holds true. I told him, yes. I have been kissed once, which I wasn't a fan of, and I have drank once. (I know, hold your shock in. I'm sorry to disappoint you. I AM NOT PERFECT.)
He laughed and asked if I had ever give a "handy". I changed the word because I think it's gross. I told him no. And that I have an aversion to the male organ right now because stupid boys keep thinking I want to see it, and they send me pictures. And before any of you guys get ideas in saying,"Oh you must have asked for it, or done something to make it be sent." You take that back. I have never in my life asked, implied or inferred about seeing a penis. The first time that happened to me, I was 17 and working at Red Robin. That was before your phone showed you the picture before opening it. I screamed, and asked the guy why in the heck he thought I wanted to see it. We stopped talking after that. And it's happened numerous times since then.
Back to the story. I told him briefly that I didn't enjoy that first kiss because the guy was grabbing at parts and trying to get his hands in places they shouldn't have been. And I apologize, this part is going to be TMI for you guys, so feel free to skip forward. He asked why I didn't like being groped. (I put it delicately.) I told him that because it was my first kiss, and I was so frazzled, I couldn't even think about it until later. But, that I'm sure if you're with the right person, that I can see how it could be enjoyable. (I know. I'm sorry.) Guys, I really REALLY hate looking back on that night. So much. So so so so much.
This guy then proceeds to say that he wishes girls were more.. sexually aggressive. Like that we would send nude pictures. And then said," because girls out here don't do that!" Well duh. This is a majority of LDS culture. And guess what? Girls who send pictures of their boobs can wind up on the internet, because they accidentally sent it to their dad! Or, maybe they just like showing off their boobs. I don't know.
I just told the guy that I don't know any girl who requests those pictures (though apparently there are some?) but if there are, then there are plenty of girls out there willing to just give out handies. That is where the conversation ended.
Now. I knew that guys go for the slutty girls because they hope to get lucky and what not. That was always just subtext though. Something that was never really said out loud in an actual discussion. But this is the first time I have ever had a guy seriously tell me that he wishes girls were easier. That we craved sexual things as much as them. Ladies. I know we do. But we are LADIES. We have to have more respect for ourselves because if you don't, no one else will. You are more than just enjoyment for some guy. You are a person. And you know what, if you want to be known for sleeping around, flashing your ta ta's, and never want any ounce of respect.. then that's on YOU. Behave how you want to be treated. Some guys aren't always going to listen, but you can hold your head high knowing it was their bad decision to try to take advantage of you. No girl "asks for it" unless they physically ask for it. If you're even in a position where someone took advantage of you, get help. Find a friend, parent, sibling, someone you can trust, to talk to. Nobody needs to go through that alone.
That got heavy huh. That's pretty much the end of my rant for the evening, but I did want to compile a little list here at the end with all of the guys I've dated! Not names, but titles because there were 2 guys I forgot I had gone out with, and man they were doozies. Let's face it. They all are. I have bad luck.
Lets see.. The onion guy who wore no shoes.. Mr. Money bags.. Mouth Breather.. Guy who asked to date my friend right after our date.. oh! the short guy at the jamba juice.. guy that took me to taco bell.. Guy who I didn't date, but he followed me around at work one night.. guy who asked me out on a LOT of dates, who I eventually said yes to but got sick the night we were supposed to go out.. other guy that asked me out, and I told him I was on my period (which was true) so I didn't feel like going out.. and.. I think those are all.. just the bad ones of course. I had some good ones. Mini golfing. Comedy sportz. 4 wheeling and fishing. Driving on old country back roads. Best first date ever to the movies and ice cream.. and that's all the good ones. *face palm*
Alright online people. Have a lovely evening. Remember to keep your ta ta's covered. And if you're a boy, you can ignore that..