Reasons and Change

I have been catching a LOT of flack lately for my last post. It is time to explain. First off, to you who disagree with me keeping my letters of a lost love, you are wrong. If you are surprised that I still have them, then you don't know me at all. To my sister, who is the ONLY person who has made me feel like I am not nuts, I love you. There is a reason we came down from heaven together. You know how I am, you function the same way, and we shared a womb. You have no excuse to not know how my brain works. So, I think you're wonderful.
To those who are super incorrect, I get to try to help you understand the way I work. Above all, do I have a boyfriend or husband that might be put off by them? NO. I am a single lady (all the single ladies!) who can do whatever I please with my past. And now, a little insight for you. I, am a collector of scraps. Do you know what this is? Sentimental crap. S-crap. You see?? Ha-HA-ha. I have such ridiculous random things. I have papers I wrote in 7th grade. I have a script that I read once for drama in 10th grade because I got to read it with the boy I liked. I have letters from missionaries. Not just him. I wrote a random man while he was on his mission when I was 15 or so. I have that letter. I can't even read his name.
Secondly. I love stories. I love sad stories, especially. Les Mis is one of my favorite stories in the world, and that really doesn't end well for anyone. I love my books, which I collect religiously. If I buy a book that comes with a removable cover, and I lose that cover?? I buy a whole new book. Yes, this is a sign of an issue, I think.
I also love paper, and I love writing. I love getting a new note book with fresh pages and filling them up with words and scribbles. If I could put this blog on paper and post it with as much ease as done with technology, I would do it. I have tons of notebooks. Just tons! And I brought them all with me when I moved! Once again, I know. This is a problem.
I also love my friends. Even my friends who have left me, or have not been great friends. Friends that I don't talk to them anymore, I LOVE THEM FIERCELY. They are all equally important to me. If I haven't spoken to you in years, it's good. One day, we will catch up. However, as soon a friend who is so close to me, lets me down, the devastation sets in. I am too easy to forgive. It's like that saying, Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Only, I have been fooled probably close to a hundred times. If you just remember my existence, all the bad blood is gone. Just vanished out of nowhere. It needs to stop. I am 22 years old and I ain't got time fo dat. My life is taking some unexpected turns, and they are hard to deal with. I do NOT need to catch crap from the people that I love with all of my heart. From this point on, I am finished. If I have done nothing to offend you like uh.. I call you a beezy and slap you in the face, then you have no reason to ignore me, or talk smack about me behind my back. Or judge me. Which is where I will get back on track.
I talked to 4 of the people I trust the most. These people have been with me for most of my life. Thick as thieves. But, out of those 4 people, one helped me. And guess what? It is my sister. Of course.
If you don't understand by now why I refuse to get rid of my litters, then you my just exit this page and go stage left because we are obviously not as good of friends as I thought. Or, you can accept that I collect things that I probably shouldn't. That I care deeply and fully. Throw myself into something entirely and get swallowed whole. Things in my life consume me whole. My relationships with my friends and family, my emotions, my worries. They all get the better of me.
These last few years, I have been a hard and bitter person. I am not going to lie and say that I have changed overnight. I haven't. But, that night I posted my last blog, a sweet woman who I used to be AWFUL to when I was in Young Women's said something to me. I won't share what it was, but a knot in my chest popped. I was shocked. I knew I had been carrying around the negative emotions from the past, but guess what? That pop, was the sweetest relief. I didn't realize that I would be able to feel the physically release in such real way. I thought, oh maybe my shoulders will not droop as much, and maybe my heart will feel lighter. But not, it was a pop. The pop that changed me.
After that, I read a letter, and I didn't cry. Not a single tear. I was so surprised. Those letters, no matter how innocent some were, ALWAYS brought tears to my eyes. But not this time. I read three, and all it felt like was a tender memory of a younger me. I still feel a twinge of regret about how things ended, but I can say fully that it wasn't my fault. I can also say now, that I have overcome it and come out the other end stronger and better prepared for the world.
I don't think living with a childlike outlook on life is bad. It is wonderful. But it is only realistic for a short amount of time. You can't be young forever. I mean, you can, but you have to be smart. Not naive. Which is why I am no longer going to be wasting my time with people who don't love me the way that I love them.
I don't have enough energy to sustain friendships all by myself. You can't be surprised if when you actually need me or want me, and I am not there. Because too many of my friends have let me down when I needed them. I will not be "that friend". I am NOT here for your convenience. I am here to live life with you. To share your bumps and bruises. Your tears and happiness. Your triumphs and your failures. I am here to laugh at you when you fall on your face while we skate. I am your friend.
I am not as strong as I hope I am. I want to be able to be able to brush my shoulders off and say no big deal to things. But, I feel them deeply, and they bring me down more than you know. I don't need people like that in my life. Nobody does. The Lord never intended us to make each other feel so awful. We are supposed to support and love each other regardless. I feel like I have done that. I have forgiven those who have trespassed against me seventy times seven. Now, it's not just time to forgive and forget the wrongs, it's time to forget.
I will hold tight the memories that we had together, but I will no longer try to create new ones. We won't be those kinds of people. I am not built that way. I have love enough to end a war, but I entrust it in the wrong people. So, instead, I will save it for myself to build a better me. Because I am worth it, yo!
As always, to those who read this, you are my true and real friends. No matter how many times I moan and groan about the disasters that unfold in my life, you are all there for me. I appreciate that more than you can guess! You are made of awesome, and I love you!

To the Boy Who Broke My Heart

Blog followers (all 3 of you..), tonight will be a somber sort of post. Sometimes, I do these things that I wonder WHY in the world I would do them, especially because I know how it is going to end. I made this poor decision this evening to read some letters from a missionary I used to write. I loved him, a lot. I waited for him, I wrote him for two years, and I thought, at the very least, we would date when he got back. His name is Arah. No. He doesn't get the courtesy of a nick name because I don't believe he deserves discretion. Only my friends I will protect from their shame. Not him, though. Not him.
A brief back story on he and I, and how our relationship developed. He was 16 (almost 17) and I was 14. Now, I am not sure at ALL how we even started speaking. I don't know if someone gave me his email and I just went for it, or what. But, we started talking on evening on MSN messenger. Do you  remember those days?? Ah, what innocent bliss. We chatted for hours! From around 8 pm until 3 am. We went to sleep for a couple of hours, and by 6 am, we were chatting again. Now, I was a smart girl. I would talk to strangers, however, I wasn't one to go meet them anywhere. However, I was sooo interested in this boy. He was so nice and innocent. Sweet, like a Disney Prince.
Well, one day, we decided to meet. It was awkward for the first little while, but we played Scene It with a few of my friends. In the end, we all had a wonderful time, and my affection for him grew just a little stronger.  We kept in contact constantly though out the years. When I turned 16, he took me on my first date. It was, by far, one of the best dates I have been on to this day. We walked around a pond, I took off my shoes, and he chased me and we laughed. It was perfect. One regret? I didn't let him kiss me. Now days, I don't know if it is better that he didn't, but I wish I would have.
When I was 17, he turned 19. I am sure you can guess what that means. It was time he served a mission. Before he left, he took me to homecoming. That was the only formal dance I have ever been asked to. It didn't matter to me until after I graduated. Now, it matters.
When he left on his mission, I cried. Big fat elephant tears. I was a coward and couldn't go to his house for his farewell party. I went to his talk though. It was wonderful. I still have the program.
The one part I was looking forward to were the letters. Letters have so much power. They can make your day! Or break it. Letters are a true expression of feelings in my opinion. If you are taking the time to write feelings down, that means something. And boy.. did we write our feelings down. We would end every letter with "love your guts". It escalated later on. Love your smile. Love you. We made plans. He would always tease me that I would be married when he got back. I told him, no! I was waiting for him. These are the naive thoughts of a teenage girl. But, in LDS culture, I assumed that when you waited for someone, and devoted all of that time to one human being, it meant a little more. It doesn't.
He was one of the only boys who called me beautiful, and gorgeous and I believed him. With my whole heart. I invested my whole heart into him. I didn't look at other boys, I didn't date other boys. Not at all. He made me what to be better and do better. He never understood why. I told him he was wonderful, and handsome. I adored him. When I got letters from him, I would literally scream at the top of my lungs. I would do happy dances no matter where I was. When I didn't hear from him, I worried, but only for his safety. I knew we were okay. He liked me. I liked him. There wasn't anything I had to fear.
He would tell me that when he got my letters, he glowed. That he missed his bus once because he was so excited. He would write me on trains, and tell his companions about me. He teased me, he complimented me, and he strengthened me. He liked me, even when I was going though my "emo" phase of skipping school, watching R rated movies, and cussing. I never did that around him, but he knew. And he didn't care.
When he got back, I expected him to be different. I assumed he would need some time to get his life out of the mission lifestyle. I was content to wait. To be patient. I thought he would maybe speak to me a little more than he did. But, he started to drift. He came to visit me once with his best friend, Shawn. (Hey bro!) He came to see me one more time after that. He brought his sister. It was very, very awkward.
I tagged along with Shawn to his homecoming talk. He ignored me the entire time. I literally fell asleep on the couch. And? I cried. I cried so hard. He would say he was sorry he was so busy, that he was looking for work. But, he just stopped trying. He used to tell me I was such a great friend. He said he was so lucky to have me and that I was a keeper ;). He must be a prince with the devil's tongue because I believed that.
One day, he told me he had moved to California. He was born there. I cried then, too. He just up and left. Didn't even tell me until he was already there. I would ask him straight out, if he wanted to talk. If he even wanted to be friends. He said of course. And yet, he stopped trying. In turn, I stopped trying too.
It was just a few months that he had been home, and he was dating another girl. A few months after that, they were married. And me? I have been wallowing ever since. I used to be so full of life and light. I had hope, and believed in romance and dreams coming true. That child-like part of me slowly dimmed throughout that time. Now, I am a bitter, cynical, heartless wench. Okay, maybe that is dramatic. But I haven't been happy like that since.
Now, when I have friends who have boyfriends that go on missions, I always tell them not to wait. Not to put their life on hold and miss out on going out with boys and friends. I did that. It is, by far, the biggest regret of my life. I don't regret loving him. I don't regret falling head over heels for a sweet, funny, kind boy who made me feel loved. I do regret that I didn't keep a realistic image in my head. My whole family, my friends, if I let them, would read the letters. They all thought that we would get married when he got home. A part of me wanted them to be right, but I knew I had to wait and see.
Unfortunately, what I saw and what happened has put a damper on my spirit. I haven't felt the need or desire to try living for anyone else. I can barely life my life for myself. I can hardly live it in a way that my Heavenly Father would be proud of. Instead, I am putting along with blinders on and my head down. I would fall for kind words and shining eyes at any chance. Forget if the guy was married. Forget if they didn't believe what I did. And forget it if they didn't give a rat's arse about me. I didn't care. I have been trying for 3 years now to get over this. Slowly, it seems I have been. However, I think this is something that I will carry with me for a large part of my life. Why the Lord believes I need to be alone, miserable, and borderline losing it, I don't know. I am not sure what sort of lesson I was supposed to learn from a heartbreak like this. What good did it do?? I can tell you it did absolutely nothing. Sometimes, I just want to give up on life and lie on the floor, biting my knees and just wait for the ache to go away.
It dulls, it does. But, it has stayed with me this whole time. Every once in a while, like tonight, it lashes back with such sharp force, it takes my breath away. It is my fault sometimes. I will read those letters, letters of him telling me he loved me and my smile. That he couldn't wait to see me again. German phrases that I would have to translate on google. But, I want to remember what is is like to be loved like that. It was pure. Innocent. No underlying agendas. It just was.
I am looking for that again. Something effortless and natural. Something real. But more than that, something that lasts. And I worry that I won't find anything better than what almost was with him. He was my first real love. And, I also want to punch him in his face for ruining me.
Anyways, that is enough moping for the evening. I love you guys, and hope you have a swell night.

Those Darn Habits!

Tonight, I have been thinking about habits. Now, there are three kinds of habits. I just can't WAIT to list them off to you! First, you have the habits that others think are endearing. For example, you tilt your head and look at the ceiling when you think, or squint at things you find strange. Then, there are the habits that everyone else wants to kill you for. Popping gum extremely loudly, or perhaps a temper?? (The Six Merry Murderesses anyone??) Now for the third kind of habit: the ones that only you notice that drive you ABSOLUTELY CRAZY and you can't seem to stop yourself! Old habits die hard, huh? 

Because I brought this topic up, I will share with you my habits that I hate that I have. Honestly, if they had chewing gum or a patch to cure them, I would have overdosed on them a long time ago. For one, I seem to have these moments where I can't control my brain or mouth, so I say a lot of stupid things I probably shouldn't. I haven't been much a television person for.. gosh, years. Until I moved to Spanish Fork and didn't have any friends. I also have a habit of rage. It is almost like blind rage, it seems. But, with that rage comes a distinct ability to forgive whoever is on the other end of my rant. My last one that I would like to bring up, is how I can't seem to retrain my brain into doing what it should. 

These habits can be brought on by situations, or people even. I know that when my old friends come back into my life, I revert to old habits. Think How I Met Your Mother and the term "revertigo". That explains it perfectly. But, it gets so frustrating!! I have tried so hard to pattern my life in a different way than I was living a few years ago. I have wanted to make a change and be different, and want different things, make new friends, and date new people. But! Things happen, and suddenly I am 15 again and wondering if my hair looks alright! Even when I was in high school, there was a very very minimal amount of time where I actually cared how I looked, and what people even though of me. During those times, I was different people. The snotty teen for one group, the caring one for another, and the broody artist for another. And, I am not gonna lie, when people touch my things, I turn into a toddler.

I have been so sick of not knowing who I am or what I want from life, that I have been on a mission of sorts. Soul searching for things that I actually like, and not things I like because my friends like them. I want to be my own person so badly. I don't want to be defined by any one person, and I hate that certain people still have some sort of influence over me. I don't want to revert to my old ways and be that selfish 15 year old. I am 22 for goodness sake! 

No boy will be able to control my life. I mean, when I get married and have a husband, you better believe I will do everything in my power to make him happy. However, I am not going to pattern my life to impress someone. I have tried to live in a way very much like "what you see is what you get". Even when I wear make up. How awful would it be that I can't even let my boyfriend see me without make up because I put so much on, I am unrecognizable. My personality cannot fracture like this either. I won't have it. 

People seem to get their life in order when they least expect it. I have been trying to put my life in order, and it seems to fall into chaos. I guess that is what happens when you try to control the uncontrollable. That, or you go crazy. 

Anyways. I think I ran out of steam tonight. As per usual, I love you guys who spend the minutes it takes (depending on how quickly you read ;) ) to bask in the angst that is my life at the time being. It really does mean a lot to me. ALSO! Special shout out to a lady who made me cry big fat tears last night for doing something so unbelievably sweet, my small, cold heart couldn't hold it in. Thank you so much. I love you and am so grateful for your support. You are so sweet and I hope life is good to you, because you deserve it. I love you all though! Sleep tight!

Cracked.

I have lost my damn mind. Lost it. Poof. Just blew out the window like cheap drapes. What is the problem? I have screwed my life up. And by this? I mean that I have changed it so drastically, I don't recognize it anymore. This isn't the life of Sidney Vale Gerber anymore. I don't know who's I'm living in anymore. It seems like a recreation of Day of Our Lives but set in Utah.. and, there is a lot less sex. None to be exact. No passion. No romance. Nothing. Just blah. This is why everything seems fractured and incomplete. Not because there isn't sex in my life. I can handle that, I promise. It has everything to do with what life I am living. This life has nothing familiar in it. It has no friends, it has no fun, it has no time for anything but working and working some more. This life spends all day at a desk getting yelled at and called a liar by random people in Florida who don't know how to speak proper English. This life wants to run, and play. To eat ice cream and not get fat. Instead, it consists of homemade lunches of peanut butter sandwiches.
At this point, this life is miserable. Not that it doesn't have it's bright spots. It does. They are just outweighed by dark. Dark is the absence of light. There isn't light in a lot of the things going on. This life is full of moments of panic and constant stress. It is taking a toll on my health. I just miss my friends. I miss being on my feet all day, running around, and looking forward to the rare moments we can actually sit. Now, I am looking for reasons to be on my feet. I am going to get squash butt sitting in a chair all day. I would like to avoid that.
This new life doesn't get to see family. Immediate family anyways. This life lives with her awesome cousins and aunt. Which is also good in it's own ways. Family is important. This person thinks she has patience, but when it is tested, she fails.
This person swore probably 40 times in the 4 miles she drove home from the auto shop because they failed her car on emissions. She abused her car via hitting the steering wheel. This poor car doesn't stand a chance. This girl looked at the looming clouds and asked her Heavenly Father why He keeps screwing with her. If He is going to make her be alone or send her on dates that make her want to be alone forever, why can't He make her car pass emissions?? Why is it that he good suffer and the wicked thrive? She asks Him why, when she tries so hard to live the right way, the things she needs to move on with life successfully, can't come to pass?
She is selfish. She is surrounded by drama she doesn't need. She forgets all of the things she has to be grateful for. She is not me. But now, she is. I hate being this way. We are creatures of our environment. We pick up habits and traits which can either be great, or can ruin us. We are weak, frail, and we can try to change, but it is more likely we will fail. That doesn't mean we shouldn't keep fighting.
One thing I have been struggling with this last weekend is faith. I am willing to set my own mind aside and say, Please, Lord, take my life in your hands and help me accept it. Or even the whole "Ask and ye shall receive" thing. Maybe I am not asking right. Maybe, I am knocking on walls instead of doors. Or maybe this is all I deserve. Maybe I am not supposed to have things go right for me because I am wicked and a child of Hell. Who knows. I don't. What I do know, is I feel miserable. Where is that easy joy I used to find? It was so much like that of a young child. I could find joy in a flock of birds, or a pretty weed. Now? I can't find that joy anywhere. That hope? Gone. That child-like faith? Gone.
I know, I know. This is not the right way to be living. Not the right mindset. But who's to say?? Those people that have it so easy always play the victim. Those who are killing or raping or worse, are living peaceful lives among the rest of us. How is that fair?? It isn't.
It would be too easy to slide down that slippery slope The things that are so bad for us? They are ready and waiting for our consumption with such easy access. It is all too easy. And yet.. for those of us that feel guilt and remorse? It isn't easy enough.

First Ever Annual..

Wow! One year ago, well, more than a year ago, I started this blog. A safe haven for me to vent my feelings about my family, friends, personal life, amongst other things that you probably don't need to know. It has been quite a journey from the past to where I am now. I feel like Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, except that my story is more like How I Found My Life. Quite honestly, I feel lost and a little to small to be in the life I am living right now. Five days before Valentines Day of this year, I got a text from my cousin that changed my life. She told me her mom had offered me a place to live at her house. Rent free, all I need to do is help out around the house. Also, that she would help me with my resume and help me find a new job. The room would be mine until December. I knew that was the push I needed to get my life moving in a forward direction as opposed to being stuck in a puddle of self pity and loathing.
By the time Valentines Day rolled around, I was moved in to my new home. I have joined a new singles ward, gotten a new job, started losing weight like I have been trying to do for years, and all in all, a LOT has happened. I have had mixed feelings, if I am being honest. Sometimes, I am so sad. I feel like my new environment is swallowing me up whole. That I am stuck in the middle of a pool of chaos. Most of the time, however, I am so glad. I am sooo happy I was directed to make the choice that I did. Without it, I would still be a troll in my parents' basement. Now, I am a more sophisticated troll on the upper level of a town house.
Today is Easter Sunday, so I am feeling pretty spiritually uplifted and fed. If you don't like it, you might want to scroll down a few paragraphs until I can resume the lighthearted joking and playful banter that I seem to have with myself. Since I have moved up to Saratoga, I mentioned a new singles ward. Let me state first, that I didn't care for the one I was attending previously. There were a couple of girls that were/are some of the sweetest, gutsyest, most hilarious girls I have met. I adore them. The rest of the ward? Not so much. The majority of the people in that ward were cold, unfriendly, and stuck in their ways. Not willing to invite someone new into the fold. This could not be more opposite at the ward up here. I have been here a mere month, and have had so many people just walk up and introduce themselves. I LOVE this ward. Everyone laughs, hangs out together, makes jokes while giving talks (including the bishopric), and it is so refreshing. The first time I went, I knew it was where I needed to be.
Continuing with Easter themed conversation, we had such a beautiful program today. I didn't even expect to feel as moved as I did. I am not one to get super spiritual ever. It happens sometimes, but I have had to get more in touch with that part of me more. Now that I am relying on the Lord to help me keep my mind and soul from cracking. Honestly, I am pretty sure I am totally in denial about where I live. If I think about it too much, I get that awful gaping hole in my chest. The feeling that is akin to a black hole. If you let it, it will take everything, threatening to turn your walls into crumbling bricks and so on. Today, I really felt His love for me, and I had my own love to give in return. He has helped me so much this last month. I was sure I wouldn't be able to do it. I am attached to my family in a huge way. Not seeing them every day has been difficult. Especially because my sister is one of those I don't get to see. Now that she is married though, she gives a lot of her attention to her husband. It's fine! Even though she is married, she still makes time for me when I call, and vice versa. However, I can't rely on her anymore as far as being my right hand girl. It's time to make my own way in the world. That is what I intend on doing.
What brought this on, you ask? Let me just share. I had a wonderful day at church, and when we went to my grandma and grandpas house, we watched a movie. Have any of you seen The Other Side of Heaven?? Anybody? I'm sure a few of you have. This movie is WONDERFUL. The last time I saw it, I was young. Too young to understand the gravity. To me, it was just a movie where a lot of bad stuff happened, and by miracles, this young man was able to make it home, and live happily ever after with the girl he loves. Today, it holds so much more. I have so much respect for the men and women who serve the Lord through a mission. Those that are so brave, to leave their family for two years or so, and forget themselves completely. I also don't think I could feel this way without our Lord and our Savior. They protect these mere kids as they go to foreign countries, or maybe just a few states over. They comfort their families. They soften the hearts of those, so they can present them with a message that will change their lives. They also are led to those that are just searching and waiting. It is a miracle in itself.
Well, I was watching that movie, and having all of those feelings. When it came time for my family and I to go separate ways, I got that black hole feeling. When I talked to my mom, I said how I felt like I don't see them anymore. Ever. Of course, I saw her on Thursday. But she said," Sid! That is how it's supposed to be! You're going to grow up, and move on. You're only going to see us once a month." That broke my heart, because that is what is going to happen. It is already heading in that direction, full speed ahead. And though, I have my wonderful family, and my new amazing ward, my cousins, aunt, and my few friends, I am alone. This journey of life is now my own. This is MY chapter to do what I will. Until I meet that man who will steal my heart, and have children of my own. This time, is for me. I have my Heavenly Father, the Holy Ghost, and the Savior to guide me. These are my companions in life. Though my family is eternal, and life is eternal, it is time to move forward and gain knowledge, new friends, and ultimately, gain a family of my own. This journey is frightening, filled with decisions that impact our lives forever, but, it is also filled with love, support, guidance, family, and friends. Some are fleeting, and some stick with you until the end of time.
Though it has been a year, I have seen how much I have changed. Oh, I still behave like a thirteen year old on occasions, but I know that I am working on acting like adults do. Not just any adults, but those that wish to live in the hereafter with our Heavenly Father and families. I want that. I need it. I crave it. I can't wait to see where I am in the next year. Thank you, as always, to those that stick with me and my whiny blog posts, through the tears, and embarrassing stories. I love forming them into something that you can enjoy. You guys are the reason I do this. I love you!

So DAMN Selfish.

Greetings blog people. (Not my parent's because they don't read it.) Yes, that was snide, and underhanded and maybe a little rash. However, we are not on good terms at this moment. Nothing is sacred in this house. So, if you don't want it online, you better put that crap in writing. Anyways, getting straight to the POINT.
Let me just list off why I am selfish:
-I like peace and quiet. So, when that peace is disturbed, I get put on edge.
-I also like to watch TVD in the living room sometimes, just to come out of my trolley cave. So, when little sister and whoever her friend is this week come in and want to play, and I want to watch my show, I don't go quietly. Especially because they didn't even come in quietly.
-I like to keep my stuff to myself. I paid for it. Why can't I keep it in my own room?
Now. Let me tell you why this "selfish" title SHOULDN'T EVEN APPLY.
-Who bought the new snow shovel? And WHO IN THE HELL SHOVELS WHEN IT SNOWS?? OH YEAH. ME.
-Who (although begrudgingly) allows little sister to take movies from my huge-gantic collection? OH YEAH. ME.
-Who buys groceries to make dinner for the WHOLE ENTIRE FAMILY?? WITH THE MONEY THAT I WORK SOOOO HARD FOR? Not to mention I make next to nothing! OH YEAH. ME.
-Who cleans up the basement? Me.
-Who tries to rally the troops to clean up the bathroom? Me.
-Who takes her brother up to Springville in the mornings so he can get to work? Me.
-Who does the dishes the most? (Out of the children?) OH YEAH. ME.
Blog friends, I could go on with this all day. IF THE WORST THING I DO IS GET MAD WHEN THE PEACE IS DISTURBED, then I am doing a DAMN GOOD JOB.
Screw the fact that I try so hard to be helpful and kind. It doesn't mean A THING. I do what I can, with what I have. Sometimes, days are worse than others. Let's face it, PMS is a beezey. Others, I can a do a helluva lot around the house and get a, "oh, hey thanks." B.S.
So, when I get my selfish ass into a place of my own, someone else is going to have to pick up my slack in that department. They will probably be called selfish too.
I work hard. I work a LOT. So sue me if the two days I have off, I would like to spend in quiet?? I listen to bratty, snotty, spoiled children scream all the day long at work. I don't want to have to wear ear plugs in my sanctuary. Since I reside in the basement, as most trolls do, I listen to little sister gallop around like a freaking horse at 11pm. I go to work at 6! And if that doesn't sound like the house is going to fall over, I don't know what does! All I know is, I pay rent here. I should have some sort of say in how stinking loud it is. Especially at all hours of the night.
Then! I go to work all bent out of shape because I had to listen to that for 30 minutes, and then catch flack at work for that too! Is there a universal plot to break me into insanity?? Well, let me make it simple for you Universe. I AM ALMOST THERE. I can't say what I want to say around home because, HEY, it's rude! How dare I even think such things!?
Also, I know I am almost 22. I should be out on my own. Well hell. If I could be, I would. Nothing is cheap anymore. Nothing! I am not made of money. I cannot afford to go to school to build skills to make better money. I have very little options when it comes to that.
To get off my soapbox here, I just have to say. I know my parents have put up with a lot. I do know my siblings. I know their siblings and their parents. I know families fight. I have not built up a tolerance to hyperactive, prepubescent, shrieking children as they have. It is a learning curve. I understand that I was like that at one point. However, EVERYBODY in our house is over 17 except for her. Which is rough for her. I feel bad that she is growing up basically without siblings.
But! She insists that she is just as grown up as myself or the other siblings. She is honest to a fault. She is spoiled (because she is the baby), and she is selfish. (Like all children her age.) I understand that it is tough for her, tough for my parents, and tough for everybody living here. And there are plenty of us living here. Though, not everybody is willing to work on it. ( I am NOT in the mood to work on it today.) So, until everyone is, or everybody gets out, we are stuck.
Anyways, this was a shorter post today, but I think I've run out of steam for the moment. I hope you all are having a lovely Saturday.

All's Fair in Love and War.. and Target

Holy smokes.. Today was so crazy.. I haven't laughed so hard or been so nauseated in a very very long time. Let me tell you the story. It started with a comment I made yesterday. Yeah. This whole thing has been going on for 24 hours now! It has been a miserable 24 hours as well! We were marking clearance in ready to wear. Dee-stroyer (who actually loves her nickname) was complaining about a rack that was crooked or in her way. Something like that. Anyways. All of us were in a bad mood, and so we were throwing out snarky comments to each other all day. So, she looked at that rack and said, "You are bugging me!" I just threw this little comment over my shoulder, while laughing I might add. This little comment, this little nugget of words turned into what a favorite comedian calls a clusterf-bomb. What is that? Keep reading, and you'll find out.
My little nugget of words was," You're bugging me!" followed immediately by "Just kidding!" Nobody even heard it! So, I said," Shoot guys! You weren't even listening!" They asked me to repeat myself. I did. And the look on the Dee-stroyers face was priceless. If you've ever seen Pitch Perfect and have seen Amy's face when she tells her real name, that was the look on her face.
I was telling G-money that reference and she says," Are you calling her fat??" OH MAN. This spun out of control for a good 45 minutes. Them saying how I was mean, and me saying that I felt like I need a therapist after that conversation. Them saying how Dee-stroyer would need the therapist because I was so mean! Let me just tell you. This is how our team operates. Quick-witted and slightly mean comments that we just brush off because of our sense of humor.  Except maybe Kat-Kat because she is sweet as apple pie, that girl. Anyways, I figured that I would be safe today..That was so not the case.
We were in the break room. Yesterday's conversation got brought up, and the jabs continued. Then, they got worse. There is this really annoying chef on channel 13 that has man hands. They shake like crazy. She fumbles to pick up the food she has chopped up. It is really annoying to me for some reason. I made the comment," Gah! I hate her hands! She has man hands that can't stop shaking!"
There is another little joke the girls like to tease me about. It is my taste in boys. They seem to think Ian Somerholder is just too pretty. I love him. He is lovely. The thing is, I have a wide range of guys that I think are very attractive. Some are clean cut (pretty boys in the girls opinion) and some are like mountain men with crazy beards and flannel shirts. People always say you choose a guy who reminds you of your dad. I guess that is very true. My dad is a clean man. He knows how to get his hands dirty, but he also knows how to wash them. To make sure that he is cleaned up and presentable. That is the kind of guy I want. Not someone who is greasy and unkempt. Which sounds a little hypocritical since I really don't do a lot to get all ready for work. At least I shower. I brush my hair. Besides, I'm a fox. I gotta contain all of this foxy so I don't take all of the boys.
So, the girls are teasing me about pretty boys and how I have to have a man who has lady hands! (Ew!) I said to them how they are going to make it impossible for me to get a date because they are making me sound so awful! Well, I guess that wasn't true for one guy. This guy, I will call Amish. An endearment from my sister who saw his beard and said," Who is the Amish dude?" Let me be clear here. I don't like this boy. In fact, he seriously disturbs me. He says the most inappropriate things. Not that they are gross, but they are really just.. unneeded. All they do is make me angry because they are irritating. I will not get into that.
So, he is sitting at a table across from me when I made the comment about being alone because of my oh-so loving team. He throws his arms open wide and said," Hey! I'm available!" I shook my head and gave a flat out," No."
My team knows how I feel about him. G-money is beside me trying not to do a spit take. Kat Kat is looking at the table trying to to choke on her soup. And Dee-stroyer, she whips out this life saving sentence, " You don't have girly enough hands." Soooo embarrassing! I can't even handle it. They start talking about how I will need to wear a fudge mask to get a guy, and maybe someone will come lick it off. Like Amish.. AHHHH! And then there was another comment made about sucking on toes, which EWWWWWWWW! Amish decides to chime in again with this little gold mine," The big toes or the little toes?" OOOOOOOOMYYYYYYYY....WOW.
I really, almost threw up. He really tried to get me when we were talking about Les Miserables. No, no no no. NO. If this is the sort of person that I can get?? Is this all that I have to look forward to?? Oh if that is the case, I want to be single forever.
This little conversation gave me the willies. I literally started crying right there in the break room. It's the kind of crying you do when you laugh, until you realize when you're laughing is actually really sad, so you start crying too. Just wow. I have a feeling that this will plague me for years to come. All they way to my wedding day.
So! That is my story for today. I wish it had a happy ending. I guess it sort of does. We were all laughing so hard that we got our ab workout for the day. Once again! I love you guys, including my insane team. We are freaks, but we are the best freaks I know!