Tonight, my brain is full of things. Brains are supposed to be full of things, I know. Tonight, my brain is muddled. Good word, huh? I wish I was the spoiled youngest child. But, no. I have to be an adult and have the bipolar 11 year old sister yell at me and then say "I like your shirt" in the same breath. Plus, her insane little friends trying to walk right into my parents house. What the heck is that about?? Good grief. Having a younger sibling that behaves like she does, is definitely part of the reason I don't live at home anymore. If I didn't have younger siblings, or siblings that could actually get along, I would probably still be at my parents. However, I like being on my own. I do have something I am bursting to say, but I can't say it yet. It is driving me crazy! Just 2 more weeks or so and then I can let all of you blog people in on a secret.
Like I mentioned before, I have a lot on my mind. I can't seem to organize it though. So instead, it is just swirling around my head like a swarm of bees. And guess what? I don't like bees. I will try to separate the creepy insects so I can get some peace.
One thing, I wish I was braver. Instead, I am trapped in my little box of insecurity. I tried to make a change. Last week, I actually initiated a date, which was weird. I don't usually do that. Though I don't like to do that, it was a little empowering. I had a really good week there where I was confident and felt comfortable in my skin. It's really strange how you can lose that so quickly. One day.. I am going to be brave. I'm going to be like.. "hey, boy. I think you're good looking. I am also quite good looking. We should go out." But, I have a feeling that it is still going to take a little bit longer.
Another thing, why does food have to make you get chubby, huh?? Why can't it just be all good for you and not make you turn strange shapes.
Why can't I say "Merry Christmas" to someone and not have someone freak out and say I'm insensitive because they are atheist?
Why can't I just get a job that I love?
Why do certain decisions have to be based on appearance?
Why can't people be honest, so that when there are actual people in need, those with kind hearts can give them a little money or help without worrying that the person actually has a million dollar home or is just too lazy to work?
Why does life have to be so full of sorrow, and such fleeting moments of joy?
Why can't our brains recognize when we have it good, so we can avoid taking moments, or people for granted?
And also, why can Victoria's Secret charge 12 dollars for some underwear??
These are just some of the things on my brain. And, now I've run out of steam. Completely pointless blog post tonight.. I apologize.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Don't Hold Your Breath
Blog family. I am having a hard hard week. My patience and mental stability is kind of frayed and it is a miracle I haven't just given up, quit my job, and moved where nobody knows me. Next year.. This will happen. I am so sick of all the guys here in Utah. Let me tell you boys! Some of you were not raised right. The majority actually. Of course, there are a few I know that are exempt. But the rest of you?? Ya'll need to get your crap together and put your big boy pants on and NOT be butt heads. It It all started last Sunday. I got all fancied up for church. Did my hurr, and make up, wore my fancy clothes, and all of that jazz. I went to church and sat by myself. Now, this is not even unusual. I usually do and I don't mind it. I try to sit far enough in to the row to give people space to sit next to me. Well, after the sacrament was passed, a couple of bros came and asked to sit by me. I was like, sure, and flashed a friendly smile.
Now, as we are sitting here, the guys start whispering. They both need lessons is whispering. If people sitting next to you can hear you, then you suck at it. The guy sitting farther away from me says, "There are some cute girls in this ward." The boy next to me says, "Oh, where?" And his friend proceeds to point to the other side of the room. Ouch. Excuse me, you big dumbs. You are sitting right next to a female, who in her own opinion is not too shabby. I mean, I am no model but please. Maybe save your stupid male talk until you are not surrounded by people who are trying to learn something?? At least girls have the decency to talk about hot guys through text, notes, or we take trips to the bathroom so we can squeal or gag. Anyways. That is how this week started.
I also decided to go see a guy I like in Provo on Sunday. I don't want to get into detail here, but all of my friends hate him and think he is a jerk. They are probably right. But, he stopped texting me on Sunday out of the blue, and then didn't text me back to Wednesday. You guys, suck.
Now, I need to go back about a month for a second here. There are a couple of guys that I work with that have asked me out. Don't got all happy for me. One is 18 years old. I don't prefer to date guys younger than me. The other is also younger, but only by 1 year or so. Still. I have a thing. Boys mature more slowly than girls. That is just a general fact accepted by society. So. The 18 year old. He is pretty funny, so I laugh a lot. He also seems to be under the impression he wants to marry me. He is always saying stupid, funny pick up lines. Which is fine when you are in high school. His religious view don't match mine, though he was raised in the same religion as me. It's safe to say that at his point, I can't take him seriously. The other guy, he is also a good guy, same religious views just still kind of young acting.
Though these guys are good and funny, they are not what I am looking for. Granted, if you asked for a list, I couldn't give it to you. But I figure I would know it when I see it or feel it. I have waited this long for something special. I am not about to just give that up. I am not about settling. So, this week, I have been trying to handle the advances of 18 year old boy. This is happening at work which could potentially be a problem. Work is hard enough without that. We have also been trying to switch offices. That has literally taken all week long. Plus, as soon as the snow starts to come, I honestly lose myself. I don't even act like the same person because I am just a ball of nerves.
Wednesday comes along and I have had a long day, but went to Spanish Fork to see my family. My sister and I had made plans to go run some errands for my car on Thursday. When Thursday gets here, she decides she is going to not hang out with me. Even after saying that she has been waiting for me to visit for weeks. I understand. She needs friends and doesn't get to hang out often. But I felt super ditched. Not to mention I went and test drove cars with my brother as he now works at a car dealership. That was fun, and I found a car that I really liked. My dad had given me a talk earlier that day about shopping at dealerships, so I was really wound up by the time I went there. So, the car I liked turns out is waaaay out of my price range, even after discounts. All I want is a stinking car that goes in the snow.
So, before I could get myself into trouble, I left. I had to get my current car service and tires rotated and what not. So 150 freaking dollars later.. ugh. Stupid expensive crap. I also was trying to see if I could get a new phone. Mine has been cracked for months. And dumb A contracts won't let me get them. STUPID SPRINT. YOU HAVE THE WORST COVERAGE EVER!! THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS JUST OFFER FREAKING UPGRADES WITHOUT STUPID CONTRACTS. So, now I have to keep my cracked phone. Luckily, my brother said he has an upgrade coming, so he might give me his phone until I can get my upgrade in freaking May.
Okay, so I got to work on Friday, and it was rough. We finally moved buildings. But nobody's computers worked and we have so many new people, it is impossible for me to do my job. Now comes Saturday. Today. I set up a meeting at my church last week, which they said was the 17th. That's tomorrow. Turns out it was today. Because someone is a big dumb as well and can't look at a calender. I can't go in because I have work. So.. yeah. Missed that. And work was rough today. 8 calls. That's it. I was answering questions all day long. Which is fine and part of my job, but also, means I miss out on bonuses. NOT FAIR.
The weather sucked, and it was freezing today, so I've been a little tense based off of that alone. So, to end the day and bring me to my current state of pissed off-ness, the guy I went and saw on Sunday texted me. He didn't want to drive, but asked me to come down. At first, I said no because I didn't want to drive either. Stupid weather. But, I told him a little bit later that I would come over if he still wanted me to. I guess to him it seems like an appropriate time to not text back. So I went to sleep. Took a 3 hour nap and everything. But, when I texted him goodnight, I crap you not, a minute later, he texts me back "nighty night" NIGHTY FRIGGIN NIGHT.
Good hell. Boys are dumb which was the main reason for this post. I am ready to quit my job, move to Virginia and stay there forever. I want to sell all of my stuff and just go. Except, I would take my books. My point is, I have been waiting and trying, praying and so on to either feel something more for the guys that I date that are nice, or to find the guy that makes me feel that thing. I am wasting my time with jerks and butt heads. I have been trying to win a guy over but that is going to crap. I can't be a nun because I'm LDS, but that this point, maybe I will be a crazy cat lady. But I am not holding my breath anymore to meet anyone or feel anything. Obviously I don't deserve it.
That is my rant for the week. Night all.
Now, as we are sitting here, the guys start whispering. They both need lessons is whispering. If people sitting next to you can hear you, then you suck at it. The guy sitting farther away from me says, "There are some cute girls in this ward." The boy next to me says, "Oh, where?" And his friend proceeds to point to the other side of the room. Ouch. Excuse me, you big dumbs. You are sitting right next to a female, who in her own opinion is not too shabby. I mean, I am no model but please. Maybe save your stupid male talk until you are not surrounded by people who are trying to learn something?? At least girls have the decency to talk about hot guys through text, notes, or we take trips to the bathroom so we can squeal or gag. Anyways. That is how this week started.
I also decided to go see a guy I like in Provo on Sunday. I don't want to get into detail here, but all of my friends hate him and think he is a jerk. They are probably right. But, he stopped texting me on Sunday out of the blue, and then didn't text me back to Wednesday. You guys, suck.
Now, I need to go back about a month for a second here. There are a couple of guys that I work with that have asked me out. Don't got all happy for me. One is 18 years old. I don't prefer to date guys younger than me. The other is also younger, but only by 1 year or so. Still. I have a thing. Boys mature more slowly than girls. That is just a general fact accepted by society. So. The 18 year old. He is pretty funny, so I laugh a lot. He also seems to be under the impression he wants to marry me. He is always saying stupid, funny pick up lines. Which is fine when you are in high school. His religious view don't match mine, though he was raised in the same religion as me. It's safe to say that at his point, I can't take him seriously. The other guy, he is also a good guy, same religious views just still kind of young acting.
Though these guys are good and funny, they are not what I am looking for. Granted, if you asked for a list, I couldn't give it to you. But I figure I would know it when I see it or feel it. I have waited this long for something special. I am not about to just give that up. I am not about settling. So, this week, I have been trying to handle the advances of 18 year old boy. This is happening at work which could potentially be a problem. Work is hard enough without that. We have also been trying to switch offices. That has literally taken all week long. Plus, as soon as the snow starts to come, I honestly lose myself. I don't even act like the same person because I am just a ball of nerves.
Wednesday comes along and I have had a long day, but went to Spanish Fork to see my family. My sister and I had made plans to go run some errands for my car on Thursday. When Thursday gets here, she decides she is going to not hang out with me. Even after saying that she has been waiting for me to visit for weeks. I understand. She needs friends and doesn't get to hang out often. But I felt super ditched. Not to mention I went and test drove cars with my brother as he now works at a car dealership. That was fun, and I found a car that I really liked. My dad had given me a talk earlier that day about shopping at dealerships, so I was really wound up by the time I went there. So, the car I liked turns out is waaaay out of my price range, even after discounts. All I want is a stinking car that goes in the snow.
So, before I could get myself into trouble, I left. I had to get my current car service and tires rotated and what not. So 150 freaking dollars later.. ugh. Stupid expensive crap. I also was trying to see if I could get a new phone. Mine has been cracked for months. And dumb A contracts won't let me get them. STUPID SPRINT. YOU HAVE THE WORST COVERAGE EVER!! THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS JUST OFFER FREAKING UPGRADES WITHOUT STUPID CONTRACTS. So, now I have to keep my cracked phone. Luckily, my brother said he has an upgrade coming, so he might give me his phone until I can get my upgrade in freaking May.
Okay, so I got to work on Friday, and it was rough. We finally moved buildings. But nobody's computers worked and we have so many new people, it is impossible for me to do my job. Now comes Saturday. Today. I set up a meeting at my church last week, which they said was the 17th. That's tomorrow. Turns out it was today. Because someone is a big dumb as well and can't look at a calender. I can't go in because I have work. So.. yeah. Missed that. And work was rough today. 8 calls. That's it. I was answering questions all day long. Which is fine and part of my job, but also, means I miss out on bonuses. NOT FAIR.
The weather sucked, and it was freezing today, so I've been a little tense based off of that alone. So, to end the day and bring me to my current state of pissed off-ness, the guy I went and saw on Sunday texted me. He didn't want to drive, but asked me to come down. At first, I said no because I didn't want to drive either. Stupid weather. But, I told him a little bit later that I would come over if he still wanted me to. I guess to him it seems like an appropriate time to not text back. So I went to sleep. Took a 3 hour nap and everything. But, when I texted him goodnight, I crap you not, a minute later, he texts me back "nighty night" NIGHTY FRIGGIN NIGHT.
Good hell. Boys are dumb which was the main reason for this post. I am ready to quit my job, move to Virginia and stay there forever. I want to sell all of my stuff and just go. Except, I would take my books. My point is, I have been waiting and trying, praying and so on to either feel something more for the guys that I date that are nice, or to find the guy that makes me feel that thing. I am wasting my time with jerks and butt heads. I have been trying to win a guy over but that is going to crap. I can't be a nun because I'm LDS, but that this point, maybe I will be a crazy cat lady. But I am not holding my breath anymore to meet anyone or feel anything. Obviously I don't deserve it.
That is my rant for the week. Night all.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Liebster Award!
I was nominated to participate in the Liebster Award by Amy and pass it on to other fellow bloggers! I love question and answer posts, so this should be fun. You can check out her blog here.
"Liebster" means dearest in German, and it's awarded, blogger to blogger, to up-and-coming blogs with less than 200 followers. The rules for accepting and giving the award are pretty simple. Once you accept the award, you just have to do the following in a blog entry:
Answer the 11 questions posted by the nominator on her blog
Give 11 facts about yourself
Nominate 5-11 other new, up-and-coming blogs with less than 200 followers
Make up 11 more questions to pass on to the bloggers you choose to nominate
Thank your nominator by linking back to her blog
Upon your post going live, contact your nominees about your nomination for them
Amy's Questions
1.What movie have you seen more times than any other movie?
That is such a tough question because I tend to become obsessed with moves! Probably Aladdin Beauty and the Beast. I am a sucker for Disney!
2.What would be your perfect date?
You have to go on dates to have a perfect one, right?? Well, I really think that dinner is a good step because you can talk to your date. You have to skip the movie. Mini golf is one of my favorites! Or bowling. Something that you both can let loose and be yourselves.
3.What has been your most embarrassing moment?
My most recent embarrassing moment happened and Rocky Mountain Wingshak. I had just ran outside to grab my phone, and was heading towards the rest room, which is at the back, but it feels like the front since everyone is looking that way. Well, since it was raining, the floor was wet, and so were my shoes. I slipped and almost fell and EVERYONE in that place was looking my direction. I tried not to scream, so instead I squeaked/ screamed. The manager was like, "Are you okay??" I just mumbled something about the floor being wet. He should have given me free wings.
4.Have you ever seen something in a store that you absolutely loved and couldn't walk away without no matter what the price? What was it?
I honestly don't think I have ever done that! If it ever did it, it was probably a book. Books are my weakness.
5.What has been your favorite Halloween costume?
My favorite costumer so far was when I was Waldo from "Where's Waldo"? Only because I got pulled over while wearing it. Guess he found me!
8.Have you ever been approached by someone you recognized but you couldn't for the life of you remember how you know them?
Not exactly! But! There is this guy at my ward who says hi to me, and we talk every Sunday but I can't remember his name at ALL!
7.What nicknames have people made up for you?
More recently: Sgerbs. Gerbster. Sidlicious. Sidvicious.
8.What did you want to be growing up? Has it changed as you have gotten older?
I wanted to be a dancer and vet. I still want to dance, and I still love animals. But, I don't think I could handle my emotions around sick animals. I also really wanted to be a receptionist. That one is more likely!
9.Favorite online store to shop at?
Amazon! But.. I only buy books.
10.What's the strangest talent you have?
I can ride a unicycle. That's not that strange, though.
11.What is your favorite physical feature?
I would have to say either my eyes or lips. That is where expression is shown!
11 Facts About Me
1.I am afraid of heights.
2.Reading is my passion. I don't know what I would do without it.
3.I still want to be an author.
4.When it comes to the guys I date, I can be really shallow.
5.I don't date because I tend to fall for guys too fast and then end up sad.
6.Talking about myself is fun, yet makes me uncomfortable.
7.Never been kissed, and it is SO FRUSTRATING.
8.I have a habit of buying movies.. a lot of movies.
9.I get lonely, so I tend to hang out places where people will cross my path so we can talk.
10.I follow the speed limit, stop signs, and all the rules of the road.
11.I like to run.
Now it's my turn to pass this on to some of my blogger friends and I choose Suzy! Here are my questions for you.
1. What is the wildest thing you have ever done?
2. Who is the person who has influenced you the most?
3. What is something you want to do before you die?
4. What, in your opinion, is your greatest talent?
5. Do you like to go out, or are you a homebody?
6. Vampires or Warewolves?
7. Is there something you wish you could change about yourself?
8. What do you want to change in the world?
9. Who is your celebrity crush?
10. Your favorite joke?
11. What is your go to feel better activity?
Have fun! And pass it on!
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
CoNtRoL- A Give and Take
My blog family. I am warning you now because I love you. Turn your eyes away if you wish to not see the rage that follows. I really don't want to hold back tonight. Maybe it's because I am tired of keeping quiet when things happen that irritate me. And guess what? That's my fault. I should have enough guts to actually speak up when something is bothering me. However, I don't like to rock the boat. I don't like to create drama when there doesn't need to be. Unless it's Vampire Diaries.. Then I want to drown in that. When it comes to my life though? No. I don't need it. I have enough crap going on without making my own drama up. And yet? That seems to be exactly what I am doing this evening.
Honestly. It is my fault. I don't need to be mad. It is totally ridiculous. But.. I am going to vent about it anyways. I like to think I am a pretty easy person to live with. I mean, I live differently on my own then I do at home. Its really weird, but I seem to be the neat freak. Anyone that knows me is going to be like.. whaaat? Yeah, it's true. My dishes are always done. I clean up after I use the restroom. My room is usually in pretty good shape. Except where there is laundry to wash because I actually don't have anywhere to put it. My room is a little tiny.
I don't mind doing the dishes. I don't mind cleaning the bathroom. I don't mind dealing with my laundry whenever I can. Ain't no thang. Steaming the floor? No big deal. If I am so cool with all of this? Why I am so peeved tonight?? Because. I have a line. It's a dumb line, and kind of out of control as well. But because that was the ONE thing that I really can control in my new life? Poof. Gone. I am ashamed of myself that it is frustrating me so much. But dang-it!! My parking spot..
I have been parking in the same spot since I moved into my new place. My dad said to me "Establish that as your spot! Sid. You need to do it" I said "no" at first because I thought I would be stepping on toes if I parked my vehicle there. I got over that. So, been parking in my spot for close to 3 months now. I have never had a problem. But one of the girls I live with has recently been taking it over. I know. How petty can I get?? But let's put some icing on the cake here.
I have a lot of dishes. I have one set of dishes I can actually put in the microwave. Those are the dishes I got for a STEAL okay?? They were so cheap. And here, I am not worried about sharing. We are all adults.
Where I draw the line is you use my dishes and then leave them in the sink for days to get crusty, or leave them in your room to grow things. Use my dishes! Please! But like... rinse them out!!! You don't even have to wash them! Just rinse them out and leave them for me to do! At least I will know they are clean! Also, if you use my last bowl, you better be washing it and making sure there is at least one for me. Since you know, they're mine.
So dirty all my dishes and then take they spot I have been parking in for 3 months. And then use all my bread and leave the heels. Nice. I deserve this little bit of frustration.
Okay. I am done on that subject. Don't need to be creating any drama at my house. I gotta live here, you know. I just HAD to put on my big girl panties and move out of my home away from my family and my Target girls that I love so much to the big scary real world.
Also. Boys suck. Yeah dudes. You guys suck. Why in the world do you do the crap you do?? Like, let's ditch people at the Front Runner station so they can ride with all of the crack and heroine addicts then let them sit at a baseball game alone? Why do you just flirt with girls when you know you're good looking and be like, oh hey! Yeah, you're not good looking enough so boo on you??
Because of a combination of the few things mentioned above, I have lost control of my life completely. I feel like I have no control of my body because it's like... Oh Sid. your fat arse is hungry. Go eat something. Then it's like.. your arse is getting fat. Stop eating things so you can be smoking hot in a wedding dress if that ever happens. then like.. ooooh, you're never getting married *tears* go eat a piece of cake to numb the pain! Stupid brain. Plus my car has been kind of on the fritz. I get these really hard calls at work, so my CPH is in the pooper. It all is just getting to me. I have nothing in my life that I am actually in charge. Everything is dictated by something else. So my one thing that was absolutely set in stone.. my little parking spot. Gone. So now, my OCD is going to come out to play. I am going to drive myself nuts because I can't control the things I need to. Nobody can, but I sure as heck am going to try so that I can have something that is constant.
But let's face it. I don't have it that bad. I have a house that is nice. At least my room mates are sweet, and the owner is the bomb dot com. Woop woop. I have a job. I do pretty well, though it isn't anywhere near my own expectations. I have had some crappy friends that went and decided to live life without me. That happens, but I also have a handful of really awesome friends that are going to be there for me for a really long time, and have stuck with me through thick and thin. I have an amazing family. I have a cousin who is addicted to Vampire Diaries which is awesome. And we bake cookies together and tell each other stupid secrets. My car goes. I have a place to park. I have a CAR to park. I don't have a boy friend, but I have a few guy friends who respect me, and somehow manage to help build up my sham of self esteem.
I think I'll live.
Honestly. It is my fault. I don't need to be mad. It is totally ridiculous. But.. I am going to vent about it anyways. I like to think I am a pretty easy person to live with. I mean, I live differently on my own then I do at home. Its really weird, but I seem to be the neat freak. Anyone that knows me is going to be like.. whaaat? Yeah, it's true. My dishes are always done. I clean up after I use the restroom. My room is usually in pretty good shape. Except where there is laundry to wash because I actually don't have anywhere to put it. My room is a little tiny.
I don't mind doing the dishes. I don't mind cleaning the bathroom. I don't mind dealing with my laundry whenever I can. Ain't no thang. Steaming the floor? No big deal. If I am so cool with all of this? Why I am so peeved tonight?? Because. I have a line. It's a dumb line, and kind of out of control as well. But because that was the ONE thing that I really can control in my new life? Poof. Gone. I am ashamed of myself that it is frustrating me so much. But dang-it!! My parking spot..
I have been parking in the same spot since I moved into my new place. My dad said to me "Establish that as your spot! Sid. You need to do it" I said "no" at first because I thought I would be stepping on toes if I parked my vehicle there. I got over that. So, been parking in my spot for close to 3 months now. I have never had a problem. But one of the girls I live with has recently been taking it over. I know. How petty can I get?? But let's put some icing on the cake here.
I have a lot of dishes. I have one set of dishes I can actually put in the microwave. Those are the dishes I got for a STEAL okay?? They were so cheap. And here, I am not worried about sharing. We are all adults.
Where I draw the line is you use my dishes and then leave them in the sink for days to get crusty, or leave them in your room to grow things. Use my dishes! Please! But like... rinse them out!!! You don't even have to wash them! Just rinse them out and leave them for me to do! At least I will know they are clean! Also, if you use my last bowl, you better be washing it and making sure there is at least one for me. Since you know, they're mine.
So dirty all my dishes and then take they spot I have been parking in for 3 months. And then use all my bread and leave the heels. Nice. I deserve this little bit of frustration.
Okay. I am done on that subject. Don't need to be creating any drama at my house. I gotta live here, you know. I just HAD to put on my big girl panties and move out of my home away from my family and my Target girls that I love so much to the big scary real world.
Also. Boys suck. Yeah dudes. You guys suck. Why in the world do you do the crap you do?? Like, let's ditch people at the Front Runner station so they can ride with all of the crack and heroine addicts then let them sit at a baseball game alone? Why do you just flirt with girls when you know you're good looking and be like, oh hey! Yeah, you're not good looking enough so boo on you??
Because of a combination of the few things mentioned above, I have lost control of my life completely. I feel like I have no control of my body because it's like... Oh Sid. your fat arse is hungry. Go eat something. Then it's like.. your arse is getting fat. Stop eating things so you can be smoking hot in a wedding dress if that ever happens. then like.. ooooh, you're never getting married *tears* go eat a piece of cake to numb the pain! Stupid brain. Plus my car has been kind of on the fritz. I get these really hard calls at work, so my CPH is in the pooper. It all is just getting to me. I have nothing in my life that I am actually in charge. Everything is dictated by something else. So my one thing that was absolutely set in stone.. my little parking spot. Gone. So now, my OCD is going to come out to play. I am going to drive myself nuts because I can't control the things I need to. Nobody can, but I sure as heck am going to try so that I can have something that is constant.
But let's face it. I don't have it that bad. I have a house that is nice. At least my room mates are sweet, and the owner is the bomb dot com. Woop woop. I have a job. I do pretty well, though it isn't anywhere near my own expectations. I have had some crappy friends that went and decided to live life without me. That happens, but I also have a handful of really awesome friends that are going to be there for me for a really long time, and have stuck with me through thick and thin. I have an amazing family. I have a cousin who is addicted to Vampire Diaries which is awesome. And we bake cookies together and tell each other stupid secrets. My car goes. I have a place to park. I have a CAR to park. I don't have a boy friend, but I have a few guy friends who respect me, and somehow manage to help build up my sham of self esteem.
I think I'll live.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Personalities
Hey bloggy people! This is going to be my outside communication for the next couple of days. Why?? Because I am absolutely SICK of my phone buzzing and beeping. People be blowin' up mah phone, yo. I am very grateful to the friends who have been texting me, and I love you for it. I do. However, I am NOT a text person. (Unless it's from a boy that I think is suuuuper cute) and seeing as I love you guys, but not like that, I turned it off. It's been a peaceful evening of reading letters and watching this pretty awful series called Dance Academy on Netflix. It's an Australian show, and has probably the most obnoxious lead ever. But, her "side-kick" is wonderful.
Now! I want to give you all a bit of knowledge that Matty B dropped on me a few weeks ago. Yes, a few weeks ago. I am a busy busy person, and I don't live to please you all! Just kidding. I live for you guys, and I live to make you giggle and cry with me. (I'm getting there!) Anyways, we were having a discussion among our row. About boys. Mind you, there are only 2 girls on our row. Me, and Armadillo. (I don't have a legit nick name for her! I love her to death, but since I am pressed for time this evening, that will have to do for now! That is what all of the boys on our row call her anyway.) So, in my bitter, unlucky-in-love state of mind, was talking the D-ron. We were all speaking about changing. I said, no guys. Boys don't change. Matty B comes up with this little pearl of wisdom. "Boys don't change. Men do." And he said this as serious as the plague. I conceded because that, is true. I made a promise that I would post that little story on here, because he is quite proud of himself. Way to go!
As you saw by the title, I have been focused on personalities this week. I sort of feel like Bill Nye or some other child tv host. It's like a topic every time I blog, and man, I hope it teaches you guys some things! Like, be grateful you have your life, and not mine! Granted, I don't think I could live anyone else's life either. We all have our own trials that are hard for each person. That doesn't mean that we can't be grateful that we aren't dealing with certain things. That... was off topic.
Personalities! We each have our own! Some people are the clown, others are as dry as toast. But, we are who we are, human nature and all that. This week at work, we had a personality meeting to help us deal with customers more effectively. Let's be honest though, if someone is going to be a douche, we can't really do anything about that. I think that it is a great idea though! We took a test to find out which of the 4 personality types we are. Thinker, Controller, Feeler, and Entertainer. I was a feeler. This makes a lot of sense because people have to remind me to do what I want to do, and now that they want me to do. That also brings up some other attributes like kindness, and trying to keep the peace and not sir up trouble. We also have a tendency to blow up, when provocation is relentless, and regret the outburst later. If that isn't me, then I don't know what is.
I also had the opportunity to take the Color Test as well! The colors are Red, White, Yellow, and Blue. Red, would be the people who are all about business and facts. White, are the peace keepers and like to keep the waters calm. Yellow are the jokesters who love entertaining everyone else! Blue, are the people pleasers who try to do things for everyone else. My two colors are Blue and Yellow, followed closely by White, and then I had almost no Red. What can I say?? I have no need to be in control of other people. Unless it's children. Then I really want to be in charge.
Because of the personality test, it kind of opened my eyes to my behavior and others. It's crazy the way that people operate. (Also, this is totally unrelated, but I am in my room right now, talking to Netflix. And one of my room mates just got home. They probably think I am crazy.) Back to personalities. It's crazy. We were all trying to predict the type of personality that each other waas. And we were all wrong. You really probably don't know people as well as you think you do.
I am also struggling with another situation. Sort of the same as the previous one. One I am also not going to get into. But, I swear. One day I am going to just glue my hand to my forehead because it is there most of the time anyway.
Why, in the world, can I not find a guy that I like who likes me back? I mean, I really nice people who... offer? That's not a great word, but that make the advance, that I am just not attracted to. It is not something that is heartening. But, my sweet room mate said to me one night as we were talking about how some people are really really picky and they don't have the option (sort of like myself) and she yells at me," You have every right to be picky!! You are beautiful and look like Rachael McAdams!" It absolutely made my night. And I think about it every time I get sad or think what my sister tells me (Which is I am going to die old and alone if I don't stop being picky!). If someone else can see that in me, why can't I? Why can't all of us? Well, Red personality types probably do!
Any how! That is my full rant for the evening! Have a lovely night people and I hope you actually get to sleep! Because right now, that is all that I would like to do.
Now! I want to give you all a bit of knowledge that Matty B dropped on me a few weeks ago. Yes, a few weeks ago. I am a busy busy person, and I don't live to please you all! Just kidding. I live for you guys, and I live to make you giggle and cry with me. (I'm getting there!) Anyways, we were having a discussion among our row. About boys. Mind you, there are only 2 girls on our row. Me, and Armadillo. (I don't have a legit nick name for her! I love her to death, but since I am pressed for time this evening, that will have to do for now! That is what all of the boys on our row call her anyway.) So, in my bitter, unlucky-in-love state of mind, was talking the D-ron. We were all speaking about changing. I said, no guys. Boys don't change. Matty B comes up with this little pearl of wisdom. "Boys don't change. Men do." And he said this as serious as the plague. I conceded because that, is true. I made a promise that I would post that little story on here, because he is quite proud of himself. Way to go!
As you saw by the title, I have been focused on personalities this week. I sort of feel like Bill Nye or some other child tv host. It's like a topic every time I blog, and man, I hope it teaches you guys some things! Like, be grateful you have your life, and not mine! Granted, I don't think I could live anyone else's life either. We all have our own trials that are hard for each person. That doesn't mean that we can't be grateful that we aren't dealing with certain things. That... was off topic.
Personalities! We each have our own! Some people are the clown, others are as dry as toast. But, we are who we are, human nature and all that. This week at work, we had a personality meeting to help us deal with customers more effectively. Let's be honest though, if someone is going to be a douche, we can't really do anything about that. I think that it is a great idea though! We took a test to find out which of the 4 personality types we are. Thinker, Controller, Feeler, and Entertainer. I was a feeler. This makes a lot of sense because people have to remind me to do what I want to do, and now that they want me to do. That also brings up some other attributes like kindness, and trying to keep the peace and not sir up trouble. We also have a tendency to blow up, when provocation is relentless, and regret the outburst later. If that isn't me, then I don't know what is.
I also had the opportunity to take the Color Test as well! The colors are Red, White, Yellow, and Blue. Red, would be the people who are all about business and facts. White, are the peace keepers and like to keep the waters calm. Yellow are the jokesters who love entertaining everyone else! Blue, are the people pleasers who try to do things for everyone else. My two colors are Blue and Yellow, followed closely by White, and then I had almost no Red. What can I say?? I have no need to be in control of other people. Unless it's children. Then I really want to be in charge.
Because of the personality test, it kind of opened my eyes to my behavior and others. It's crazy the way that people operate. (Also, this is totally unrelated, but I am in my room right now, talking to Netflix. And one of my room mates just got home. They probably think I am crazy.) Back to personalities. It's crazy. We were all trying to predict the type of personality that each other waas. And we were all wrong. You really probably don't know people as well as you think you do.
I am also struggling with another situation. Sort of the same as the previous one. One I am also not going to get into. But, I swear. One day I am going to just glue my hand to my forehead because it is there most of the time anyway.
Why, in the world, can I not find a guy that I like who likes me back? I mean, I really nice people who... offer? That's not a great word, but that make the advance, that I am just not attracted to. It is not something that is heartening. But, my sweet room mate said to me one night as we were talking about how some people are really really picky and they don't have the option (sort of like myself) and she yells at me," You have every right to be picky!! You are beautiful and look like Rachael McAdams!" It absolutely made my night. And I think about it every time I get sad or think what my sister tells me (Which is I am going to die old and alone if I don't stop being picky!). If someone else can see that in me, why can't I? Why can't all of us? Well, Red personality types probably do!
Any how! That is my full rant for the evening! Have a lovely night people and I hope you actually get to sleep! Because right now, that is all that I would like to do.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Need A Little Order
Hey blog peeps! I know! Two in one month! Hell must have frozen over so something. Anyway! Today I don't have one specific thing I want to talk about. It's sort of a swirl of stress and fun times that has been going through my head lately. First off, I need to give a little shout out to a new blog "follower". I use quotations because you guys are NOT followers. Just friends. And since I am suffering from a creative mind block, I am using basic word-age today. So, howdy Matty B and welcome to the madness! Ha! Okay, that is basically all I have to say about that.
My next topic is sort of a continuation of the last post. The situation I am being vague about has escalated a little. It is sort of hard to explain. Nothing was said or done in person. However, it was a step in the wrong direction. It has be questioning the need for social media sites. But, who am I kidding. I am as addicted to those site as the next person. Maybe not as addicted as my mom, but still! It's enough. So, that has been weighing on my mind as I am trying to figure out exactly how to proceed. It needs to be handled delicately as this does affect my work place. AH!
Also, I am starting to become concerned with the caliber of men that I seem to attract. Guys, I am telling you. I have been to the moon and back dating different types of guys. The traditional RM, the bad boy, the creepy guy that smells like onion, the "sexual predator" type, the firefighter (gah, I miss him.), the stereotypical online date, the one I am pretty sure is gay but hasn't admitted it to himself, and the rich douche bag. I am pretty sure that covers all of the bases, don't you think? Oh! Don't forget the recently divorced and still married but on the verge of divorce on that list as well. Now I am absolutely sure that I have touched all bases. So, now I have really lost faith in the race of men. Seriously. It is like Jr. High when that quote that was so popular," All the good guys are taken.. or gay." And that seems to be a trend lately. I am about to get into a topic that is a little rough and touchy.
Actually.. No, I am not. I just typed like... half a page about it and decided.. Mmm.. better not. (Who got that reference!?) All I need to say is that I do have an opinion on the subject. I think a lot of people will agree with me, and others will be very offended. Luckily, because I didn't type it up like I wanted to, I can avoid that situation.
Also, I had a fun couple of events this week! On Wednesday, I went to the batting cages and driving range with MindyLee and Mitch from work. It was a BLAST! However, I really shouldn't go with them ever again because they are both very good at both. I am horrible. I told G-Money about that experience last night and as soon as I told her, she started cracking up! Why?? Because she knows I am about as athletic as a potato. I can't even believe that I agreed to it. And let me tell you, my hands... they are KILLING me. Mostly just my right hand from the vibration of the bat connecting with the ball. (Yeah, I actually hit the ball!) However, it stung so bad.. After every hit, I was shaking my hands trying to get the stinging to ease up a little. Now, I just have a really swollen right hand. It was super fun though! I really want to go again so that I can actually try to redeem myself from last time. I will have the give the batting cages a time out though.
I also got to hang out with Amy this week! Oh, this girl is one of the few people that I actually consider a friend! I just love her! We watched the basketball game (Spurs VS Heat) and made the cutest clothes pins with glitter on them! So stinking cute! Then, we talked and talked about Pinterest, yard sales, and books. She lent me a book called Austenland! If you haven't read it, you should! It was wonderful! That is one book I am going to have to buy! It also makes me really want to watch Pride and Prejudice.
I also hung my magnet bored up and built think little TV stand (without tools! Thank goodness for my Swiss Army Knife..) and got my room a little more tidyed up. It's strange how doing just little things around your house can make it feel a little bit more like home.
G-money and I also went to Olive Garden which is like DisneyLand to me! I love that place so much.
That was basically my week. It's been weird, and good. Very stressful though.
Next time I blog, I hope that I actually have something interesting to say. A good story like the Door Knob battles. It has been a while since something like that has happened. With the exception of what is going.. however, that story is just not funny! Mostly, I just get really embarrassed and I am trying to just tread lightly. Not encouragement for that situation.
In closing, I would like to thank you guys again, and also tell Matty B to just ASK HER OUT ALREADY. You're practically married! ;) Just kidding, bro! Have an awesome evening, people!
My next topic is sort of a continuation of the last post. The situation I am being vague about has escalated a little. It is sort of hard to explain. Nothing was said or done in person. However, it was a step in the wrong direction. It has be questioning the need for social media sites. But, who am I kidding. I am as addicted to those site as the next person. Maybe not as addicted as my mom, but still! It's enough. So, that has been weighing on my mind as I am trying to figure out exactly how to proceed. It needs to be handled delicately as this does affect my work place. AH!
Also, I am starting to become concerned with the caliber of men that I seem to attract. Guys, I am telling you. I have been to the moon and back dating different types of guys. The traditional RM, the bad boy, the creepy guy that smells like onion, the "sexual predator" type, the firefighter (gah, I miss him.), the stereotypical online date, the one I am pretty sure is gay but hasn't admitted it to himself, and the rich douche bag. I am pretty sure that covers all of the bases, don't you think? Oh! Don't forget the recently divorced and still married but on the verge of divorce on that list as well. Now I am absolutely sure that I have touched all bases. So, now I have really lost faith in the race of men. Seriously. It is like Jr. High when that quote that was so popular," All the good guys are taken.. or gay." And that seems to be a trend lately. I am about to get into a topic that is a little rough and touchy.
Actually.. No, I am not. I just typed like... half a page about it and decided.. Mmm.. better not. (Who got that reference!?) All I need to say is that I do have an opinion on the subject. I think a lot of people will agree with me, and others will be very offended. Luckily, because I didn't type it up like I wanted to, I can avoid that situation.
Also, I had a fun couple of events this week! On Wednesday, I went to the batting cages and driving range with MindyLee and Mitch from work. It was a BLAST! However, I really shouldn't go with them ever again because they are both very good at both. I am horrible. I told G-Money about that experience last night and as soon as I told her, she started cracking up! Why?? Because she knows I am about as athletic as a potato. I can't even believe that I agreed to it. And let me tell you, my hands... they are KILLING me. Mostly just my right hand from the vibration of the bat connecting with the ball. (Yeah, I actually hit the ball!) However, it stung so bad.. After every hit, I was shaking my hands trying to get the stinging to ease up a little. Now, I just have a really swollen right hand. It was super fun though! I really want to go again so that I can actually try to redeem myself from last time. I will have the give the batting cages a time out though.
I also got to hang out with Amy this week! Oh, this girl is one of the few people that I actually consider a friend! I just love her! We watched the basketball game (Spurs VS Heat) and made the cutest clothes pins with glitter on them! So stinking cute! Then, we talked and talked about Pinterest, yard sales, and books. She lent me a book called Austenland! If you haven't read it, you should! It was wonderful! That is one book I am going to have to buy! It also makes me really want to watch Pride and Prejudice.
I also hung my magnet bored up and built think little TV stand (without tools! Thank goodness for my Swiss Army Knife..) and got my room a little more tidyed up. It's strange how doing just little things around your house can make it feel a little bit more like home.
G-money and I also went to Olive Garden which is like DisneyLand to me! I love that place so much.
That was basically my week. It's been weird, and good. Very stressful though.
Next time I blog, I hope that I actually have something interesting to say. A good story like the Door Knob battles. It has been a while since something like that has happened. With the exception of what is going.. however, that story is just not funny! Mostly, I just get really embarrassed and I am trying to just tread lightly. Not encouragement for that situation.
In closing, I would like to thank you guys again, and also tell Matty B to just ASK HER OUT ALREADY. You're practically married! ;) Just kidding, bro! Have an awesome evening, people!
Monday, June 17, 2013
The Young and Naive
Hey blog people! Sorry for my extended LOA. I have had some spotty internet and I really had a lot on my mind as well. As always, I will share with you what I have been thinking about.
As you all know, I have recently started a new job. I mean, it isn't super recent, but it is recent enough. My 90 day trial period is almost up and so I have been a little tense as far as work is concerned. I really would like to keep this job, you know? Why?? A) It's not a bad place to work. B) I did just sign my money away on the dotted line to live in a pretty sweet house all by myself.. with 3 other girls! It's been a blast! I love it! Do you know how many freezer waffles I have been able to eat??? Me either because I lost count! Either way! I think that it has been good. I like going up to my room and having it be quiet.. and I like going to the kitchen and using my own dishes, having my own food in the pantry and fridge, and I looooove just the idea of being by myself. Not that I want to be alone forever, because I definitely don't. Just when I am home, I love having my own space that no one else intrudes in. I miss my family like crazy, so don't get me wrong. Half the time I would like to just burst into tears and drive back to their house after quitting my job and become the troll in the basement once again. (My mom gets sooo mad when I refer to myself as a troll. It really cracks me up!) But, it is time to grow up, you know? I am old enough to do this, and yet, I still feel too young to be in this situation.
I don't like being stressed about money. Not that money is super tight, but I try to make sure I always have at least next months rent ready and waiting so that I can at least have that covered. The whole money situation is just really overwhelming anyway! Without worrying about rent. Honestly, buying food is usually last on my list. When I am planning, it is in the priority of 1. Rent. 2. Gas. 3. Utilities. 4. Phone Bill. 5. Food.
I have really been wanting to get an itunes gift card and amazon gift card, presents for a few people, and a few other frivolous things. They are not as important as a roof over my head though!
Anyways. There have been a few things lately that have been weighing on my mind. I don't know exactly how to deal with these things. Well, one of them I dealt with. But it doesn't seem that it is going to be off of my mind for a while. It has me on edge and little restless. It made me so nervous today, I thought I was going to lose my.. well.. I didn't eat breakfast this morning which was probably a blessing in disguise.I am really really sorry. This is going to be pretty vague this time. I know, I know. I don't usually have an issue sharing all of the details of my life. However, this is fresh and is really not something I can joke about just yet.
There has been some instances at my new place of work that I had to confront today. It was the absolute LAST thing I wanted to do. Honestly, I just wanted to brush it off of my shoulders and let it roll. However, I was getting concerned that this could possibly escalate. Here is the other issue. I was really really worried that what was happening was totally in my head. After an instance of what something happening this last weekend was the push that I needed to take a step.
As I was getting the majority of what happened off of my chest to the appropriate parties, I was asked a question. "Has this happened before? Before you started here." I had to think about this briefly. Why would i have to think about this?? Let me tell you. This is something that I should have come forward about a very long time ago. But, being 17 years old, never been kissed, and hadn't been in an actual relationship, besides stupid missionary that ruined me. Even that was just a wisp of a relationship. My point is, at that age, I didn't think this was really and issue. I was flattered, honestly. In usual circumstances, I would have been okay to be flattered. However, in this instance, I am sure I was mistaken. Now that I am older.
At one of my previous jobs, I had captured the attention of one of my managers. He was older than be by about 6 years or 7 years. Not that he was handsome by usual standards. But, there was something intriguing about him. Plus, he liked ME. Chubby little 17 year old Sidney. Not to mention he was a bad boy. By this, I mean he smoked, drank, and a variety of other things that I won't share.
As time when on, he and I grew a little closer.. then a lot closer. He used to call me. Mostly when he was intoxicated. Other times, he would call me when he was getting off of work and driving home. He would ask me to sneak out. He would say he would come to me, just to open my window and he'd meet me. Honestly, it is a VERY lucky thing at this point that I was a coward. He would always say," When you're 18, I am going to come and give you your first kiss." He really know how to be sweet. Not that what I quoted right then was sweet, but he totally had me swept off my feet. Back then, the only issue was that I was a minor. Thinking back, there was a LOT more wrong with that situation that I even realized at that age. How stupid we are being young.
I remember one time, as we were in the back room, I was messing with the Ipod deck we had. Just trying to find some good music while I did my job. He walked into the back room, and was walking behind me. He decided to stop right there, press himself against my back, and did that whole, not so wholesome dance move. Honestly, this description sounds a LOT worse than it actually was. Worse things have happened at high school dances. This was slow, and very VERY intimate. I remember getting goose bumps on my neck because he was breathing on it, and he had his hands on my hips. I remember that I couldn't even catch my breath. I just didn't even know what to do. Not that I wanted to do anything at the time. My mind went totally blank and I just let it happen. It was brief, but enough that it is burned into my mind.
It is not such a mystery to me why people get raped or molested. These two experiences are enough to convince me that when you're young and naive, or even older and terrified, this situation doesn't get any easier. It is so hard to admit to someone that you let these things happen. That you didn't stand up for yourself when you actually had the chance.
Today, when I did, and I was asked," Has this happened before, it struck me as yes. Though the previous situation was not as unwanted as this situation, it was worse. It was a much, much worse situation. Men, you can be sneaky and cruel. You can be manipulative and calculating. And you can know just how to pick your victims.
Living on my own, I am learning so much more about myself. Things that I thought were true about me, are now so false. I thought I was strong, brave, and believed in myself enough to stand up for me. But, I am not. I am not brave enough to just spare myself misery and actually make a preemptive strike and nip it in the bud before it turns into something more. I know, I took a step today. But not until things were getting bad enough that it has been causing emotional distress while I am at home. It has occupied my mind on what I am going to do to discourage without hurting feelings. In the process, I have been throwing myself into the line of fire. Taking the hits when there didn't need to be but one. One to just say, no.
Now, after this experience, if there are any ladies who are dealing with something similar, I encourage you to take the correct steps to putting an end to it. It doesn't matter if you are flattered, or just slightly uncomfortable. You KNOW what's wrong. You know what should and shouldn't be happening. Don't let your story escalate further than mine. It was absolutely far enough.
As always! I love you, my little blog people! I love having my small audience that keeps track of my stories and are so caring! You guys are wonderful and I hope good things are happening for you! I hope you are brave and strong! I hope you have faith and courage. I also hope you know you are loved! Have a wonderful evening!
As you all know, I have recently started a new job. I mean, it isn't super recent, but it is recent enough. My 90 day trial period is almost up and so I have been a little tense as far as work is concerned. I really would like to keep this job, you know? Why?? A) It's not a bad place to work. B) I did just sign my money away on the dotted line to live in a pretty sweet house all by myself.. with 3 other girls! It's been a blast! I love it! Do you know how many freezer waffles I have been able to eat??? Me either because I lost count! Either way! I think that it has been good. I like going up to my room and having it be quiet.. and I like going to the kitchen and using my own dishes, having my own food in the pantry and fridge, and I looooove just the idea of being by myself. Not that I want to be alone forever, because I definitely don't. Just when I am home, I love having my own space that no one else intrudes in. I miss my family like crazy, so don't get me wrong. Half the time I would like to just burst into tears and drive back to their house after quitting my job and become the troll in the basement once again. (My mom gets sooo mad when I refer to myself as a troll. It really cracks me up!) But, it is time to grow up, you know? I am old enough to do this, and yet, I still feel too young to be in this situation.
I don't like being stressed about money. Not that money is super tight, but I try to make sure I always have at least next months rent ready and waiting so that I can at least have that covered. The whole money situation is just really overwhelming anyway! Without worrying about rent. Honestly, buying food is usually last on my list. When I am planning, it is in the priority of 1. Rent. 2. Gas. 3. Utilities. 4. Phone Bill. 5. Food.
I have really been wanting to get an itunes gift card and amazon gift card, presents for a few people, and a few other frivolous things. They are not as important as a roof over my head though!
Anyways. There have been a few things lately that have been weighing on my mind. I don't know exactly how to deal with these things. Well, one of them I dealt with. But it doesn't seem that it is going to be off of my mind for a while. It has me on edge and little restless. It made me so nervous today, I thought I was going to lose my.. well.. I didn't eat breakfast this morning which was probably a blessing in disguise.I am really really sorry. This is going to be pretty vague this time. I know, I know. I don't usually have an issue sharing all of the details of my life. However, this is fresh and is really not something I can joke about just yet.
There has been some instances at my new place of work that I had to confront today. It was the absolute LAST thing I wanted to do. Honestly, I just wanted to brush it off of my shoulders and let it roll. However, I was getting concerned that this could possibly escalate. Here is the other issue. I was really really worried that what was happening was totally in my head. After an instance of what something happening this last weekend was the push that I needed to take a step.
As I was getting the majority of what happened off of my chest to the appropriate parties, I was asked a question. "Has this happened before? Before you started here." I had to think about this briefly. Why would i have to think about this?? Let me tell you. This is something that I should have come forward about a very long time ago. But, being 17 years old, never been kissed, and hadn't been in an actual relationship, besides stupid missionary that ruined me. Even that was just a wisp of a relationship. My point is, at that age, I didn't think this was really and issue. I was flattered, honestly. In usual circumstances, I would have been okay to be flattered. However, in this instance, I am sure I was mistaken. Now that I am older.
At one of my previous jobs, I had captured the attention of one of my managers. He was older than be by about 6 years or 7 years. Not that he was handsome by usual standards. But, there was something intriguing about him. Plus, he liked ME. Chubby little 17 year old Sidney. Not to mention he was a bad boy. By this, I mean he smoked, drank, and a variety of other things that I won't share.
As time when on, he and I grew a little closer.. then a lot closer. He used to call me. Mostly when he was intoxicated. Other times, he would call me when he was getting off of work and driving home. He would ask me to sneak out. He would say he would come to me, just to open my window and he'd meet me. Honestly, it is a VERY lucky thing at this point that I was a coward. He would always say," When you're 18, I am going to come and give you your first kiss." He really know how to be sweet. Not that what I quoted right then was sweet, but he totally had me swept off my feet. Back then, the only issue was that I was a minor. Thinking back, there was a LOT more wrong with that situation that I even realized at that age. How stupid we are being young.
I remember one time, as we were in the back room, I was messing with the Ipod deck we had. Just trying to find some good music while I did my job. He walked into the back room, and was walking behind me. He decided to stop right there, press himself against my back, and did that whole, not so wholesome dance move. Honestly, this description sounds a LOT worse than it actually was. Worse things have happened at high school dances. This was slow, and very VERY intimate. I remember getting goose bumps on my neck because he was breathing on it, and he had his hands on my hips. I remember that I couldn't even catch my breath. I just didn't even know what to do. Not that I wanted to do anything at the time. My mind went totally blank and I just let it happen. It was brief, but enough that it is burned into my mind.
It is not such a mystery to me why people get raped or molested. These two experiences are enough to convince me that when you're young and naive, or even older and terrified, this situation doesn't get any easier. It is so hard to admit to someone that you let these things happen. That you didn't stand up for yourself when you actually had the chance.
Today, when I did, and I was asked," Has this happened before, it struck me as yes. Though the previous situation was not as unwanted as this situation, it was worse. It was a much, much worse situation. Men, you can be sneaky and cruel. You can be manipulative and calculating. And you can know just how to pick your victims.
Living on my own, I am learning so much more about myself. Things that I thought were true about me, are now so false. I thought I was strong, brave, and believed in myself enough to stand up for me. But, I am not. I am not brave enough to just spare myself misery and actually make a preemptive strike and nip it in the bud before it turns into something more. I know, I took a step today. But not until things were getting bad enough that it has been causing emotional distress while I am at home. It has occupied my mind on what I am going to do to discourage without hurting feelings. In the process, I have been throwing myself into the line of fire. Taking the hits when there didn't need to be but one. One to just say, no.
Now, after this experience, if there are any ladies who are dealing with something similar, I encourage you to take the correct steps to putting an end to it. It doesn't matter if you are flattered, or just slightly uncomfortable. You KNOW what's wrong. You know what should and shouldn't be happening. Don't let your story escalate further than mine. It was absolutely far enough.
As always! I love you, my little blog people! I love having my small audience that keeps track of my stories and are so caring! You guys are wonderful and I hope good things are happening for you! I hope you are brave and strong! I hope you have faith and courage. I also hope you know you are loved! Have a wonderful evening!
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