Why I Blog

I am not happy tonight. In fact, I have angry tears. Why? Well let me put it this way, if you don't want to know what is going on and how I see it, then click out of this link now. I don't want you to come back later and see that people have said,"Wow. She is so whiny and complains all the time." And if you feel that way, then you don't know me. At all. I am a generally positive person. I post a lot about the things on my mind which weigh everyone down. I like to work it out on metaphoric paper. It's cathartic. Sort of like the therapy I wish I could afford. The only thing is, I don't have people telling me how to solve my problems. I write them down here, examine them, and make my choices from there.
Angry. Angry that because I unfriended Fernando (yes, I used his real name. He hurt my feelings, so he doesn't earn a nickname.) he decided to lash out at me. Guess WHY I unfriended him? We don't talk. We aren't friends. We just worked together. I didn't really care to have him keep tabs on my life, and we don't talk at all for me to care about his life either. But, he was peeved about it because this is the message I received, and the inspiration for tonight's post:

Thanks for defriending me. I for sure won't miss you complaining about every little thing about life. Good riddance. I was about to do that you just beat me to it. Now someone else can take your negative energy.

Yeah, that happened. Feels like jr high all over again, when Brad told me my fat rolls were disgusting. I was thin then! Anyhow, I try to keep a lot of what I am thinking to myself, but I tend to put them down here. Newsflash: This blog is not being forced on ANY of you. You have the option to not read it. This is so much like the situations that happened at my last job. People calling to complain that they are in a lease they said they didn't read and now they have payments they weren't expecting. Well guess what. I didn't make you go to the store, put your banking information on the application, along with your social security number, and everything else. I didn't make you sign the contract without reading it. It's not my fault that you didn't ask questions about what you were getting into and took the sales reps word for it. (Sales reps are there for money, okay?? Get the full story before blindly giving out your personal information.) But, the option to use the financing is there. Just like this blog. You don't HAVE to read it. If you don't like what you read, then don't come back. I don't write this stuff solely for your entertainment. I am writing because I want to. They say a good writers write what they know. And guess what? I know what happened today, or whatever day I wrote the post. I write how I feel. Freedom of speech is still a thing, right??
Some of them are updates. Some of them are just funny stories to make you laugh. Other times, I had a really bad day and I needed to get it off my chest. I don't know how many people actually read them. Though having people read it is awesome. I write because I love it.
Now. I don't expect that all of you will believe this, but I am quite the same person on here as I am in real life. However, I have the tact to say things when I need to, or hold my tongue when it is appropriate. However, if I am able to be honest about something, I will be.
Now, a comment was made by someone, that they didn't know who would date me, or how I would get asked on dates because my posts sound so angry. Once again. Not very many people read this. Most of them are again, family members. And while marrying a family member is common in West Virginia,  guess what? I am not in West Virginia. I am in good ole Virginia. The rest of my family is in Utah, or Arizona. And my one uncle in Guam. Back to the topic. The people I date, the people I talk to, they KNOW me. They have seen me in high times and hard times. Most of them are there for me...to make me laugh. I LOVE THEM FOR IT. I might not say it as much as I should, but I do try to and let them know. 
Granted, my list of friends is pretty small. That is because I am picky about my friends. I don't need friends who make me cry or make me feel bad about myself. Nobody does. Who wants to talk to someone who acts like they are just tolerating you? Also, I have an amazing family. They are the best friends anyone can have. They take your side, they support you. And they love you unconditionally. But the friends I do have, I spoil because I love them. I would do anything for them [except move back to Utah.. at least not right now ;)] but I treat them how I want to be treated. I take friendships very seriously. Friends are one of the only things people have to get them through rough times. Some people can't count on their family. Or some people count their friends as their family. I know I do.
But the people who I am close to, they know my heart. I know theirs. And I would really REALLY appreciate it, that if you have problems with me or my blog, to voice them directly with me so I can talk to you about it. Please don't go talking to my family about me. My sister heard this comment (the one about me dating) and was so offended. So, come directly to me with your issues with me.Your complaints are about ME, so they don't need to go to anyone else. Besides, my mom can't actually make me do anything anymore since I am a legal adult.. and I live all the way across the country.
I still feel like I have more steam to blow off, but I will do that with push ups. For those of you who support me unconditionally, who make me laugh, and brighten up my days, I love you and I hope you know it. If not, I'll fix that ASAP.

Dating and Religion: Virginia vs. Utah

I have been feeling a little off this week. Why? Maybe sleep deprivation? Which is definitely my fault since I really don't have a whole lot of motivation to actually do anything. Basically, my day is sitting around and waiting to see if I get an email or call about a job or something? I also do dishes and sweep.. and sleep. It's really not very much. I don't mind too much. I just feel like a lazy lump.. and a leech. But who can complain about being off of work for a month??
I am starting to get a little discouraged. I have been praying for an answer on why the heck I am here. I was hoping things would fall into place a little faster. But nothing has really happened. Nada. Except my one and only job interview. Sometimes, I want to pack my bag and go home, but then when I think about it, I get that sinking feeling in my stomach like that isn't the right thing. So, I'm putting a time line on it. If I don't have anything by 3 months, I am going to just head back to Utah. Unless I want to look in Richmond area, but I really don't think that will help. Especially since I don't have a car yet. And I would have to find a job really quick so I could pay rent to live somewhere. Uuuuuugh. When I think about it all at once, I really wonder what I was thinking? And what the Lord is expecting to happen here.
It's been so crazy getting used to a lot of the slang here. The people. The general environment. I know I have been out of Utah before and all that, but I guess that there is just a small amount of culture shock. It's affecting my dating life. There are seriously NO LDS guys out here. Not that the guy I marry won't convert or something, but really? So many people ask me "What does LDS mean?" Well out here, as I said before, we are just Mormons. So I have to explain that. I thought I would be okay going out with people outside of the LDS religion. And I usually am. But! Out here, it seems that everyone doesn't just drink.. but they drink a LOT.
I know, I know. But here is the thing. I am determined to get married in the Manti temple. I don't want to give up that hope or the faith that could still happen. I have already given so much up and I am not willing to do it again. At least not yet. I don't think that's usually a typical thing the Lord asks you to give up? But what do I know? I'm not a divine being.
However, all this time alone has given me a lot of time to think about what I want and about the LDS church and all of that. I have gotten to do a lot of reading of church material. Hopefully, I will get some more clarity from that because sheesh. I am so lost right now. That is all I will say about that.
In fact, I think I am done for the night. This has been more than enough for me to process tonight. Not to mention that it is midnight here in VA and I think I did mention something about going to bed earlier than 5 am.. Should probably try to fall asleep now.. Well! Goodnight blog family! Love you all! I hope those of you in Utah are enjoying the snow! ;)

Southern Charm and East Coast Attitude

Wow! I have been in Virginia for over two weeks! I can hardly believe it! Let me tell you, there is so much less drama out here. My worries are minimal and strictly based around a job, a car, and then finding  place to live so I don't feel like I am living off of my awesome aunt and uncle! I swear, I haven't stopped laughing since I got here. Maybe a couple of days I did, but still I laughed through portions of those! I swear, I can't believe the terms that they come up with over here! Like one thing: "I swear! Every time those skillet pimps come over.." Skillet pimps!? Really! Yeah! That happens here! And if someone hasn't seen them "in a minute" that could be any length of time from a week, to any number of years! Goodness, you need a dictionary for all that! One thing. I have to try to hard not to slip into that southern twang. Sometimes it catches me but, I need to keep it at bay until I get a job. Hopefully it will help.
Well, I guess I am not being completely honest by saying my "drama" is based on those few things. One thing I have come to realize since I left is who my real friends are. It becomes more and more apparent as time goes on. Honestly, it breaks my heart when I think back to the weeks before I left. So many people saying "please keep in touch!" and "I want to see you before you go" and so on. I have tried to keep in touch with people. I know that I am no longer within a short driving distance.. (Try over 24 hours of driving) but I still would like to keep the friends I thought I had. Turns out I just have a lot of nice acquaintances. So tonight as I am watching Swan Princess and blogging here, I am having a Facebook Purge. Deleting the junk of people who are on there. Or the ones who just collect friends like scout badges. I pretty much kept family, a few friends that I talk to and that I care what is going on with them. That sounds harsh. But, if you just have a bunch of people clogging up your news feed, might as well thin it out. Lighten the load if you will.
One of the craziest things I have had to get used to out here is how many less LDS people there are. I mean, the family ward out here has like... 60 people.. and we meet in a strip mall. Right next to the liquor store. Yeah. And Belk.. and Food Lion. On the bright side, the (expensive) grocery store is just right there! With the minimal amount of LDS members, the dating scene is so different. I haven't actually gone on a date yet, but I have been on a few of those online things.
First off, boys out here are way more confident. They are not afraid to start a conversation. However, this means all the guys have it. Including the ones you wish didn't have it, so they talk to you and you're like... whaaaaat do I do now? Yeah, I went there. Also, I keep the "LDS" statement in my profile, and people have said... What is LDS?? Yeah, that hasn't really happened. I have gotten the questions about the Mormon religion in Utah, but not what is it! So weird.
A lot of guys out here are either active duty or have just gotten back. A lot love beer. Actually, they all love beer. And drinking. Which, hey, I guess that's cool as long as you don't make me do it. People out here really like to drink.
I went to a bar called 202 that is by Longwood University. It was college night. I tell you. I have never seen so many pitchers of beer or cups! And boy it was loud!! It was really fun though! I went with a girl that is near Farmville, but is LDS. We went there to dance! We didn't partake of any alcohol! Kindsey would be soo mad because she has always wanted to be there IF and that is a big IF I decided to drink and get drunk.
However, I am hopeful that I can find someone out here to have a good time with. Apparently all I need to do is gorilla run into Walmart and I would have numbers coming out my ears. This cracks me up! And anyone who is really close to me knows what the gorilla run is! If you don't, then that will make my dad happy because he abhors it!
Anyways. That is pretty much all I have for you guys. I love you and hope you are all in good health! XX

Confused, Impatient, and Hopeful.

Hey blog family. I have to say I am pretty disappointed this week. And, my feelings are a little unhappy. But, if anything, I will take this as further confirmation for my journey out of here. As some of you may know, I had my going away party on Sunday. It was a little short notice, but still enough time to say if you could make it or not. I sent out a mass post on Facebook to let people know. And the people I know don't really check Facebook, I sent them texts. There were a few people that said they would come or try to make it. Not really a whole lot of response. I was still trying to be hopeful. Too many people wanted to get together before I left, and since I don't have a car anymore, this was the only opportunity. Besides. I am pretty sure I am usually the one who has to drive the majority of the time. Regardless, I thought well! Maybe I will have a few friends who will be willing to make the drive down to Spanish Fork since I wouldn't be back in town for a while.
Before I continue, I have to thank the small group of people who did come. Sharon and your family, Kelly, Nanette and your family, the Rumfield family, Angie and your family. I love you guys dearly. Also, my aunt Dawn, her husband Ron, and Whitley and Hannah. And lastly to my two friends Brooke and Makenzie, aka Favorite. I seriously can't express how much it meant for you to come. I was so worried that nobody would actually show up. These people are those that I will miss sooooo much. I am so grateful for your love and support.
I must say though, I was sorely disappointed that those who I have become so close with in the last few months through work or other activities, didn't come. Or those who I have known for years. That really REALLY hurt. Maybe it is a reality check that I have been neglecting to come to terms with, or something to that extent. Either way, ouch. Now, I don't want to hold grudges (because according to my mom, that gives you kidney stones and those HURT) but it is sort of a relief to know who I can rely on.
In this day and age, it is so hard to tell who is sincere or not. I feel stupid because I cried about leaving some people. People who I thought we had grown close, only to find out that eh, not so much. There isn't a point in wasting tears in those cases.
There are those who did let me know ahead of time that they couldn't make it. And I want you to know that I recognize that, and I love you too. Even those who didn't show up, I still love you because in my mind, we are still friends. Just maybe not as close as I had assumed. That's cool though. You have to pick your battles, and choose who you want to invest your time in. I understand that because I have made those decisions as well.
Either way, I will miss people, and hopefully it won't be too long before I am back in this neck of the woods.
I can't wait to leave here. I can't wait to start the new adventures that are waiting for me. And though I am sure I am going to spend the first week bawling my eyes out, I know that this is a good thing and will make me stronger. Also, I am hoping for guys back there that can man up and say, "Hey, you're swell. Let's go out." It happens here, just not as often. And not usually by those you want to hear it from? Hopefully that makes sense?
All I know, is that Utah is it's own little world and the people who live here are just as unique. Some good, some not. It will be nice to have a change in that department.  I should be on my way on Friday night. What with this huge winter storm, Pax, it has thrown a wrench into my plans pretty well, I stayed up till after 4 am yesterday to get my ticket changed.
On a totally unrelated note, I have kind of been reliving that first kiss experience to figure out exactly what I hoped for, as opposed to what I actually got. Here is my conclusion: I was hoping for the sweet kiss, where he runs his hands through your hair, or along your waist, neck, or back. Not the whole boob grabbing experience that I was introduced to. I mean, who wants start a first kiss or any romantic experience from home plate?! I didn't want to have to worry about him trying to strip my clothes off, or what his hips were doing, where his hands where going, or what in the hell I should do if that stuff happened! I know, I know. Don't be a prude. Hey! I am not a prude! I want the physical interaction as much as the next person, just at a little slower pace. Slow enough for me to have some experience and be like.. Oh, so that's what I am supposed to do. From what I "figured out", you basically just have to mirror whatever they are doing? Blech. I hate that memory. I would really prefer to have some charming man erase it from my mind.
Anyways, that was my little rant for the night. Hope you guys have a happy Valentines day, and if you're single? I am too, so happy Single Awareness Day. Like this one picture says: If you are sad about being alone on Valentines Day, just remember; nobody loves you any other day of the year either.
Except me. I think you are swell.

Just an Update

Oh wow, it has been forever since my last post. I have had a lot on my mind lately, but I haven't been able to organize my thoughts. I have some of them in order now, but we will see exactly how that pans out, won't we?
So! I am leaving in less than a week. This, to me, is totally insane. Me moving across the country all by my lonesome. I mean, yeah, I have dear dear family out there, but I couldn't even go to young women's girls camp without throwing up or getting so sick I had to come home. A year ago, I would have told you you were crazy if you said I was going across the country for adventure and school. I would have laughed straight in your face and told you to get your head checked. But, here we are.
Last weekend, I got rid of my security blankets: my job and my car. It is kind of scary to have one final paycheck headed your way, and then suddenly, it's going to stop. At least there is no car to pay for.. or gas. But that means you are at the mercy of other people. It kind of happens to people. I don't like mooching though. Not only did I do those two things, I moved back to my parents house. I seriously miss my girl, Holly. She and I got really close over the last 7 months, like sisters. But, she is off on her new adventure of marriage! I am so happy for her!! She sold her house and moved to AZ until her wedding! Her fiance is so sweet and they are just cuuuuuuute together! Hopefully it won't be too long before I see her again!
I really hope to see a lot of people sooner rather than later! Some of you Facebook people know that I am having a little "party" on Sunday to say goodbye. It kind of makes me sad because I don't think many people outside of my family will come! That is probably a little selfish, but since my problem I mentioned before hand about the car situation, I can't really go out and see everyone that I want to see. However, my family will be there, and friends that I have known for years will be there as well! Those people I am going to miss so much! Ones that I don't get to see as often as I wish I could, but mean so much to me!
Now that the leaving/trip has been addressed, I just have to take a second to complain about boys. Hopefully, moving will change this. Ladies, you will understand this. You give guys that "okay, I like you! Let's go ahead with this thing" they just sit there and be dumb.  Really? Dudes, get your crap together. He man up and make your move, or leave me alone so I don't waste my time. That is not my favorite thing to do. Wasting time. In their defense, I am not actually brave enough (most of the time) to say that outright. But, actions speak louder than words. Ugh!
Anyways! I don't think I have anymore of my thoughts organized. Sheesh, I still have to get all of my stuff packed, and I have NO idea how this is going to work. So, you probably won't get another post until I am all settled and out of state. Love you guys!

First Kiss (Yeah, I know all of you were waiting for this one.)

Yes. It happened. The cosmic event that everyone waits for. Well, maybe not everyone. I think some people just can do it. They just wake up and it's like, oh, today's the day. I am going to kiss that person that I really admire. Yes, I said admire. Why? Because people use the word like. And that is used too much. Admire also hits at something more than just a physical attraction. In fact. I am going to google it and then paste it here.. (google magic...or.. in Harry Potter terms.. googules majikus.) Admire: 1. To regard with pleasure, wonder, and approval. 2. To have a high opinion of; esteem or respect. To marvel at something. Often used with at.
Who doesn't want to be admired?! To have someone marvel at you? To regard you with pleasure, wonder, approval, an most importantly, respect?
I have learned a lot about that in the last day. It has been 24 hours since that first kiss. The story starts out kind of silly. We were watching a cartoon. Yes, cartoons. Oh! And lets take a trip back in a time machine because, it's Mr. Intriguing from waaaay back in the day. Remember how I always wondered about that? I am not wondering anymore. People say, you will only regret what you don't do. Lies. Lies, lies lies. I understand regret. Shame. Embarrassment. Violation. These things which I thought before that I had enough experience with these feelings. Enough to handle it when I was faced with it. I wasn't. I don't know how people do this without the gospel. I know. Not all of you are in the same religion as me. That is fine. But, I don't know how I would have been able to get through it.
Back to cartoons. Wait. No. Not there yet. Back a little farther. He is always busy. Part of the fun was we never had time to actually hang out except for the two times we actually did for short amounts of time. Well, we are kind of pressed for time. Why? Bout to drop another bomb on you guys. I was going to wait, but.. people at work are already talking about it, so there isn't a point in not saying. I'm moving to Virginia at the end of January. Now, I am not posting this on Facebook just yet. That will wait since about 5 people read this, it won't blow up just yet. So, pressed for time. He got off of work early last night which is not something that happens. I was tired. Sooo tired. In fact, I fell asleep for a couple of hours and then he texted me 4 times saying he got off. I told him I didn't want to come over because I was tired. I have to work in the morning. It's not very close. All of the usual reasons. But, we're running out of time. 
So I went.
I should have stayed home. There is totally a song about that. How he should have just stayed in bed. I should have done that. No question. I didn't though. I had a time there where I just wanted to be brave and just kiss someone. Then I would come to my senses and remember that waiting is okay.
Now, a small part of my brain thought, tonight could be the night that I get that kiss I was waiting for since I turned 16. I was nervous, but a little excited. He and I had talked before. He knew that I have never been kissed. He knew that I didn't want to just jump right into it. That I just wanted to take it slow. He knows I'm LDS. None of this is secret. I am not ashamed of how.. behind I am from other people from my peers.
So, now, cartoons. We were just enjoying this cartoon. Okay. Let's be honest here, it was Futurama. Is that how that's spelled? I don't care. That's what we were watching. I just looked over at him, and bam. Kiss. Right there on the lips. Right after he pulled away, I literally squeaked out," Oh my goodness!" He laughed, and then just went for it. Now. I am okay with kissing. Well, not right now. It scared me though because I was not expecting, long open mouth kisses for my first. No. I wasn't. So I was kind of trying to not freak out. I was trying to get my thoughts gathered. It didn't work. It was like a deer in headlights. I had no idea what to do. However, I was not fine with it when his hand started creeping south. Nor north. Or East or West. I have told him before that I don't want to do that stuff. Apparently, my feelings didn't matter.
Not at all. 
Things got too heavy. And I know my sister is sitting here thinking.. you're such a baby. Get over it. (If you don't believe me, see facebook. It's there.) But for me? This was earth shattering. I have been saving that first kiss for years. I let my guard down to a guy who didn't respect me enough to stop when I said stop. Or no. Or don't do that. 
Now, during the first 30 minutes of him humping (sorry, that isn't lady like), grabbing, and smooching, I really didn't know what to do. After I got my wits about me a little bit, I was able to finally say No, you can't do that.No, if you don't stop, I am going to leave. Stop.
Eventually, I just left. He still couldn't keep his hands to himself. But, he stopped trying take my shirt off at least.
And guess what? I feel guilty.
Not exactly because of what happened. I mean, I do feel guilty about it. Guilty because I should have just stayed home in bed like I wanted to. I should have just went to sleep. 
However, I wasn't asking for it. I didn't wear revealing clothing at all. I mean, it's winter. who is going to go out in this bitter cold weather in shorts and a tank top?? Not this girl. I am freezing most of the time anyways.
Well. Long story short. I went and talked to my bishop about this. I have the best bishop ever. He is very understanding. But he helped kind of put things into perspective for me. And told me not to let this hold me back. A whole side effect of this is that I really am not looking forward to being in another situation like that. I just don't want to do that to myself again. I have way too much respect for me. Most of the time, anyway.
There was a side of me that wanted to do all that stuff. To toe the line. That is gone. Believe me. There are a few people that I would kiss before I left the state. At this time though, my lips are out of commission. My body is off-limits except for hugs. And I plan to keep to myself for a while. I kind of don't even want to go out. I just want to watch movies and shows that people are not kissing in. No romance for a while. Even if I could just skip work for a week and stay in my room, I would do it.
So. There you go. The long-awaited first kiss turned out to be more of an attack than romance. It's at least worth it to know that if this happens again, I will know what to do. I won't black out for 30 minutes or anything. 
That's it for this evening. Love you guys.

The Loveless

There are different types of love in life

where some are predator or prey.

Or those who find another soul

who's objective is  to stay.

While other chase unrelenting hearts

who want nothing more than words.

Creative lies and writhing tongues 

that eager ears have heard.

Entreating promises designed to tempt,

to change and build and bend.

The innocent ones, have unwittingly believed

and invested their feelings in.

Stumbling, reaching, pursuing those;

the ones with callous intentions.

Encouraging dreams with unfounded trust

with waxing and waning affection.

We are the many, the lost, and unhappy.

The gullible, latched onto every word.

Putting faith and trust in a thief in disguise,

skeptical we're being lured.

The ones who invest our life and love

into something that doesn't exist.

Believing we'll change their mind to stay;

confident that they'll insist.

They don't, in fact. They saunter away 

 expecting us not to feel spited.

Confirming we fell too much in love

our feelings left unrequited.

A continuous web we'll undoubtedly to weave

'til we're strong enough to flee

the oppressing ones who keep us pinned

and we're not too blind to see.