Wow! One year ago, well, more than a year ago, I started this blog. A safe haven for me to vent my feelings about my family, friends, personal life, amongst other things that you probably don't need to know. It has been quite a journey from the past to where I am now. I feel like Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, except that my story is more like How I Found My Life. Quite honestly, I feel lost and a little to small to be in the life I am living right now. Five days before Valentines Day of this year, I got a text from my cousin that changed my life. She told me her mom had offered me a place to live at her house. Rent free, all I need to do is help out around the house. Also, that she would help me with my resume and help me find a new job. The room would be mine until December. I knew that was the push I needed to get my life moving in a forward direction as opposed to being stuck in a puddle of self pity and loathing.
By the time Valentines Day rolled around, I was moved in to my new home. I have joined a new singles ward, gotten a new job, started losing weight like I have been trying to do for years, and all in all, a LOT has happened. I have had mixed feelings, if I am being honest. Sometimes, I am so sad. I feel like my new environment is swallowing me up whole. That I am stuck in the middle of a pool of chaos. Most of the time, however, I am so glad. I am sooo happy I was directed to make the choice that I did. Without it, I would still be a troll in my parents' basement. Now, I am a more sophisticated troll on the upper level of a town house.
Today is Easter Sunday, so I am feeling pretty spiritually uplifted and fed. If you don't like it, you might want to scroll down a few paragraphs until I can resume the lighthearted joking and playful banter that I seem to have with myself. Since I have moved up to Saratoga, I mentioned a new singles ward. Let me state first, that I didn't care for the one I was attending previously. There were a couple of girls that were/are some of the sweetest, gutsyest, most hilarious girls I have met. I adore them. The rest of the ward? Not so much. The majority of the people in that ward were cold, unfriendly, and stuck in their ways. Not willing to invite someone new into the fold. This could not be more opposite at the ward up here. I have been here a mere month, and have had so many people just walk up and introduce themselves. I LOVE this ward. Everyone laughs, hangs out together, makes jokes while giving talks (including the bishopric), and it is so refreshing. The first time I went, I knew it was where I needed to be.
Continuing with Easter themed conversation, we had such a beautiful program today. I didn't even expect to feel as moved as I did. I am not one to get super spiritual ever. It happens sometimes, but I have had to get more in touch with that part of me more. Now that I am relying on the Lord to help me keep my mind and soul from cracking. Honestly, I am pretty sure I am totally in denial about where I live. If I think about it too much, I get that awful gaping hole in my chest. The feeling that is akin to a black hole. If you let it, it will take everything, threatening to turn your walls into crumbling bricks and so on. Today, I really felt His love for me, and I had my own love to give in return. He has helped me so much this last month. I was sure I wouldn't be able to do it. I am attached to my family in a huge way. Not seeing them every day has been difficult. Especially because my sister is one of those I don't get to see. Now that she is married though, she gives a lot of her attention to her husband. It's fine! Even though she is married, she still makes time for me when I call, and vice versa. However, I can't rely on her anymore as far as being my right hand girl. It's time to make my own way in the world. That is what I intend on doing.
What brought this on, you ask? Let me just share. I had a wonderful day at church, and when we went to my grandma and grandpas house, we watched a movie. Have any of you seen The Other Side of Heaven?? Anybody? I'm sure a few of you have. This movie is WONDERFUL. The last time I saw it, I was young. Too young to understand the gravity. To me, it was just a movie where a lot of bad stuff happened, and by miracles, this young man was able to make it home, and live happily ever after with the girl he loves. Today, it holds so much more. I have so much respect for the men and women who serve the Lord through a mission. Those that are so brave, to leave their family for two years or so, and forget themselves completely. I also don't think I could feel this way without our Lord and our Savior. They protect these mere kids as they go to foreign countries, or maybe just a few states over. They comfort their families. They soften the hearts of those, so they can present them with a message that will change their lives. They also are led to those that are just searching and waiting. It is a miracle in itself.
Well, I was watching that movie, and having all of those feelings. When it came time for my family and I to go separate ways, I got that black hole feeling. When I talked to my mom, I said how I felt like I don't see them anymore. Ever. Of course, I saw her on Thursday. But she said," Sid! That is how it's supposed to be! You're going to grow up, and move on. You're only going to see us once a month." That broke my heart, because that is what is going to happen. It is already heading in that direction, full speed ahead. And though, I have my wonderful family, and my new amazing ward, my cousins, aunt, and my few friends, I am alone. This journey of life is now my own. This is MY chapter to do what I will. Until I meet that man who will steal my heart, and have children of my own. This time, is for me. I have my Heavenly Father, the Holy Ghost, and the Savior to guide me. These are my companions in life. Though my family is eternal, and life is eternal, it is time to move forward and gain knowledge, new friends, and ultimately, gain a family of my own. This journey is frightening, filled with decisions that impact our lives forever, but, it is also filled with love, support, guidance, family, and friends. Some are fleeting, and some stick with you until the end of time.
Though it has been a year, I have seen how much I have changed. Oh, I still behave like a thirteen year old on occasions, but I know that I am working on acting like adults do. Not just any adults, but those that wish to live in the hereafter with our Heavenly Father and families. I want that. I need it. I crave it. I can't wait to see where I am in the next year. Thank you, as always, to those that stick with me and my whiny blog posts, through the tears, and embarrassing stories. I love forming them into something that you can enjoy. You guys are the reason I do this. I love you!
