WHAT AM I DOING??

I have had such a hard time trying to decide what to do for this next blog post. Mostly because I am feeling a little insignificant. Insignificant? Is that the right word? Probably not. But there is a reason to feel whatever I am feeling. That's because there are so many blogs out there that are meaningful. Like food blogs!! Everyone loves food!! Or blogs about battling problems like abuse, addiction, or rights of humans. Important things. This blog? This is me rambling about nothing important, really. Except every once in a while where something really gets my goat. I guess this really isn't targeted for huge crowds of people. For that to work, I would need to be hilarious like Ellen. She is great, isn't she?? And I know, I know. I could change this blog up, and write about something meaningful. But what? What in the world do I have experience with that nobody else does? Or that everyone else can't figure out for themselves? I can tell you about doorknob problems in your family. I can also tell you about things that get on my nerves. About how much I love my friends and family. Or about how terrifying my first kiss was. Those things really don't matter much for anyone except those that were living it with me. Really? Did I absolutely HAVE to tell you about doorknobs?? How is that relevant to anything or anybody except maybe those doing home renovations??

I guess as I said before when I was defending my type of blogging (which is more like journaling than anything) that I write for me. I write because I love it. And someone said once, that you write what you know. Obviously, I don't know anything particularly important or impressive, but it is definitely in my rights to write about me stumbling through life. I guess that's something everyone who reads this could relate to. Life. We are all living it. Some are living it better than others.

I suppose this is sort of on my mind because here I am in Virginia with no job and running out of money. Okay, I'm not that close to running out of money, but still. When you have no income at all, you just have to be very conscious about the money you spend. I've been praying like it's the end of the world to know what I am doing out here. Anyone that talked to me seriously about me moving out here knows I had a plan. I was going to come out here. Get a job. Stay at my aunt and uncles' house for a month, maybe two to get a car and a place to live sorted out. Then, I was going to continue to work, and establish residency so I could go to school at Longwood University.  Well. I'm here. And nothing has worked out. I moved here so sure this is where I was supposed to be. Divine intervention redirected me pretty abruptly. 

I had a really really good job back in Utah, making enough money to support myself entirely and not be strapped for cash too bad. I had really awesome friends (few they may be) and roommates (who are also now married). I had a car. I had my family 30 minutes away. I really had a lot going for me. Now? Not so much. It has been so frustrating trying to figure this out. I will play it off like it's no big deal because I have been afraid to admit how terrified I am. Or how frustrated.

Since 15 years old, I have been basically making my own way. Besides the normal things like groceries. But, I was buying my own clothes, or if I wanted to eat out, I paid for that. For any recreational things? Money from my own pocket. Now, here I am 23 years old, feeling like I'm 12 again. Totally dependent on the kindness and love of my family out here. I love them for it. I really wouldn't be able to be here without them. It's just getting used to the fact that right now, I have nothing but what came with me in my suitcases. (At least I have A TON of movies). Reverting to that type of dependency is so hard. Anyone that has moved out on their own, then has suddenly had to move back home knows. It's like that.. but worse. 

It also really worries me. I know that my mom worries that I am getting on my aunt and uncles nerves. I make sure to ask them too, because I definitely don't want to wear out my welcome. But I have gotten a lot of pressure from outside people that say,"Just do that. Just do this." Do you not think I have tried that?? Do you think I haven't been exploring any option I can? And before I get comments asking "have you considered this?" let me just tell you what I have considered and have prayed about. Should I go on a mission? What about school? Directing me to a job. Am I in the wrong part of Virginia? Or the wrong state entirely? Maybe the wrong country? Am I supposed to be dating non-members? Or dating at all? What about Utah? Am I supposed to go home? Was I out here to work on my spirituality for the summer or was this a permanent move? What about this job option? Is this one that I should consider?

Really. I feel like I have pursued so many different avenues but I have nothing. Now I wonder if I am even able to hear the Lord telling me what to do. Am I worthy enough for that? Does he even hear me praying to him about this? WHY AM I HERE? It has been so fun just being with my family out here, but I can't sit here and do nothing for forever. Uugh.

Hopefully you see my frustration. I do value my friend opinions and guidance. But, if you are going to give me some, can you wait a week? Because I feel so slammed by the voices in my head, on a constant loop thinking about jobs. School. And "what the hell am I doing?" I think that a lot of people forget how freaking hard this is. So when getting this advice that seems condescending, all it does is stress me out more. Revisiting that feeling of "Do you not understand that I am doing everything in my power? That I moved here because the Lord gave me that feeling, the one you can't ignore, to move out here and now I have no idea what I'm supposed to do? That I have been waiting for Him to put His hand in my life in the ways I am expecting so I can have a successful life?" I know some of you caught that "expecting" in that last sentence. He has had His hand in other things. Like my testimony has been challenged, strengthened, and expanded. At least in certain aspects. In others? I am still totally lacking.

Anyway. I have one more thing to comment on. This is totally switching gears. Jumping tracks. And it's more directed at the stupid boys who do this, and the poor girls on the receiving end. GUYS. WHY DO YOU THINK WE WANT TO SEE YOUR... MAN BUSINESS?? It is so gross looking. I'm sorry, but no woman will say," Oh wow. Yes. I really love to look at them because they are so handsome." No. That doesn't happen. Why am I telling you this? Well, I have had the worst luck ever. A few of the guys I used to talk to (note the word USED) made the decisions to send me pictures of their.. things. I'm trying to be somewhat delicate about this, but also make my point so be patient with me.

The first time I got one of those awful pictures, I was 17 years old and working at Red Robin. I was physically at Red Robin. Working. And this was before a little image popped up next to the message to warn you what is in it. All it said was "New Message" and then there it was. All crooked and nasty looking. I screamed. Or yelped would be more accurate. Thank goodness it was really slow that day and there was nobody there. I asked this particular guy what in the heck was he thinking sending me that thing!? (Quick New Girl reference, "What are you doing?? Waving that thing around like an idiot?!") He said he didn't know. We never talked again. The second time was one of the guys that I worked with at Red Robin. Bleeeech. And the last one, I got last week. Once again. Someone back in Utah. So far, my extent with the guys out here has been a really annoying 21 year old boy that I had to block because he wouldn't leave me the heck alone. But Utah? Nasty boy part pictures galore. So, this guy sent me one. I promptly said "Ew" then blocked him on my phone too, and unfriended him on Facebook. I also think I blocked him there too. All I want to say is that if any boys are reading this: STOP IT. Don't do it. If a girl asks to see it, she better be your wife. Otherwise, she is lying and is just trying to impress you by making you think that she wants to see it. 

We don't look at it like you guys do. All proud like your manhood relies on it completely. We don't look at our boobs that way! Some girls have lots of boob, and some girls don't. It is what it is. In any case, girls think that you being shirtless is handsome enough. That's about the extent of what we want to see.

Okay, that is all for tonight. Love you guys, as per usual.

Just Like Pride and Prejudice

I have been meaning to write this particular post for while. We have had a lot of things happen out here. Unfortunately, my aunt's grandma died a couple of weeks ago, so the week following, was filled with funeral preparations, house guests, and everyone kind of leaning on each other. And, the week after, which happens to be this week, which is this week, we have just been making up stuff we neglected the week before. Not to mention I have been job hunting. I had 3 new leads for jobs. I have sent resumes to two of them, but the other one, I am just not totally sure about. The person offering it is a little... different. I just need to ponder that one a little more.
Anyway! This post! As you can see, it has a little reference to Jane Austen's masterpiece. It kind of makes me laugh though! My life currently, is a little reminder of that beautiful story. Minus the two hotties that come strolling in and out of Elizabeth's life. I mean, I would love to meet a Mr. Darcy.
The way that I am looking at this being similar is this. I am a twenty something year old girl who is, dare I say, fairly good looking. Maybe not the best looking in my family or anything, or any of my friends! (Awww, I love you guys and think you are all so charming and pretty!) I'm from a background where girls are notorious for getting married young. Not exactly at my mothers' urging, but more like that is kind of how the girls in the LDS religion do it. Only because they have missionaries that go out, and when they come home, they get married right away. (Honestly, that can kind of be a mistake. No wonder the divorce rate is out of control. We barely know who we are at 19, 20, or even 21. How are we supposed to make decisions for spending our lives, nay eternity, with a person?) I have sisters. I do have two brothers, so that's not the same. But still!! Nor did I grow up on a farm, but still. Other small similarities include the love of reading, walks, and poor piano playing.
I have a best friend who got married before me. She didn't settle though. She loves the man she married, and they are very happy and have a beautiful son together. My sister, met the man of her dreams. She got married first. I know Jane is older than Elizabeth, so going off of that, I would be Jane. But, I haven't actually met a Bingley either. So, right now, this makes me Elizabeth. Or Kitty. Or Mary. But, I get to narrow it down further so I can be the epic heroine.
I met my Mr. Wickham. That would be the fire fighter. He seemed so nice at first. I thought he was charming. And handsome. Plus, he is a man in uniform. Woo hoo! But, he turned out to be a jerk who really likes boobs. Terrible.Or, it could have been the other guy. I don't know his nickname yet.. He was also a man in uniform. He took me on one date, he drunk dialed me twice. On the second one, he asked me out again, for the next day, and then never talked to me again. Neither of them ran away with either of my sisters, but the commonality between the them still holds!
My other, larger common thing is that I have gone across the country to be with my aunt and uncle! No way huh?? Seriously. I am living it. Once again, except for the Mr. Darcy. I just don't understand why he hasn't showed up yet. Or if I have met him, and I think he is a jerk. There is only one person out here that I dislike, and he was just like.. really annoying. And super creepy. So, he can be Mr. Collins. I think I have just about everybody accounted for. If only Elizabeth got a new best friend when she was out with her aunt and uncle! That would be my super cool friend, who I also don't have a nickname for yet! I will just call her Bestie, because her other nickname that actually goes with her real name, also starts with a B! So there's that! And instead of sending my sister letters, I face time her, text her, and talk to her on the phone.
I also do that with my mom! My mom still tells me not to cut my hair, and to take care of my body. That way, a guy will think I am a hottie with a body and I will get married, he will whisk me away, and we will live happily ever after! At least until after the honeymoon and real life kicks back in. Plus! My dad loves me! Not that I am his favorite, but we definitely have a good relationship! He was so hoping that the guy I was supposed to be with, or that my purpose for life could have been in Utah. He didn't want me to go. I was really really sad to leave him though.
Anyways. That is how my life is like Pride and Prejudice. Summed up, I'm looking for love (well, not actively anymore. I feel a little over it), the current chapter of my life has me with my fantastic aunt and uncle across the country, away from my family and my dear sisters, that I love. And right now, I think this is what I need and where I am supposed to be.
I love you guys!

Blog It Out

You know those nights, (or very VERY early mornings as the case may be) that your brain refuses to let you sleep? It has to ask all of these questions about every decision you've ever made? Start telling you stories from your past? Also makes your body temperature like.. 10 degrees hotter than it should be? That's me tonight. It's 3:00 am here in Virginia. My uncle will be getting up for work in 30 minutes, and leave in about an hour and a half. Then, a few hours after that, my aunt will get up and go to work as well. I am just hoping and praying I am asleep by that point.
But with my mind tossing and turning, I figured I could blog it out a little bit.
Today, I took a very very big step. I don't want to say exactly what this is, but it has a very significant and special meaning for me. I don't even need to say I hope it changes my life, because I know it will. Things like this always do. I have also been slightly freaking out about my calling in my new branch. Guys, I'm going to be in nursery. For Virginia, that is so different.  I am pretty sure there are 6 or 7 kids. That's all. Plus, one of the other people in nursery is an awesome girl who I am actually friends with.
However. I have some small problems with children. Well, more like I have problems with parents. I feel like most parents these days pawn their children off onto other people. Which, that is totally what nursery is for. But! They drop these kids off who they don't bother to raise. So they can all be really snotty. I am sure there are sweet ones too. Still. I am worried. I mean, if you have a kid who is naughty in Utah, and you tell their parents or try to teach the child that what they're doing isn't right, you get a really really irritated parent. They refuse to believe that their children could do anything like that. Well let me tell you, people. Most people are not just going to make up stories about your kids misbehaving. Most of the time, they are just wanting to let you know so you can maybe rectify the situation. So don't get all bent out of shape if they say that. My mom was never the one to say," Oh my kids would never do that!". She was the one that said, "Oh no. What did they do now..?". That's a better way of looking at it. I mean, maybe every once in a while, you'll get that one person who likes to make things up and lie about your kids. But you should always go in with an open mind and heart, so that if your child is old enough, you can try to communicate right and wrong. Kids are terribly smart. Some are smarter than their parents. (I know that sounds nuts, but I've seen it happen!)
So, I am all worried about nursery. Also. I found out at church this week that one of the families lost their baby. The wife was pregnant and at 22 weeks. That is usually a time frame that is past the danger point, or almost past the danger point for miscarriage. I feel so terrible for that family and that this is something they need to feel. I guess they had a miscarriage with the pregnancy before this one. It doesn't seem fair. There are too many people I know that have children, or keep having children when they can't handle the ones they have, or handle any at all. They pop them out like Stargate. But good people who try and try to have kids, they can't seem to have a pregnancy stick, or get pregnant at all. I wish I knew the answer for why that happens. Sadly, a lot of people who aren't ready for kids don't change after they have them. Some people think," Oh that is so what that person needs to grow up. Kids." But if you think about it, people who are kids themselves shouldn't exactly be reproducing. It just makes for unhappy kids and selfish/unhappy parents.
Also. Dating. Dating out here is so hard. Because the LDS singles in my area are like..um.. non-existent, I am having to check that other dating pool. The dating pool of guys who are religious, but they hate the LDS church, or the "Mormons" as we are referred to out here. And there are some really really good looking guys out here too. Seriously. But all of them drink. And it's not like.. a beer when they go home. It's like.. they get drunk to the point of killing brain cells and other people as well, every night. It's a college town. They all like to party. It honestly seems impossible at to meet someone out here. And yet, I haven't moved back to Utah yet, so that has to mean something.
However, I have been homesick a lot lately. I miss my family. I miss my dogs. I miss the few friends who I've kept in touch with since I left. I do have an excellent aunt and uncle out here that couldn't love me better if they tried. They love me (it feels like to me) as much as my own parents. They do everything to help me with anything I need. Like job hunting or a ride to the store. Anything. But there is just something about being around your immediate family. And I seriously miss the dogs!! How strange is that?! Well, actually it's not too strange. See, we have dogs out here too. Sable the Pomeranian, and Chip the Chihuahua. Neither of them are snuggly like Mazi or Socs. Either of those little boogers will climb up in your lap and stay there. And if you don't pet them, they will lick you to death until you do. Sable is just like a grumpy old lady who doesn't like to be pet, she is afraid of going across the wood floors, and every time the family leaves (even when I am still there) she howls like she is being killed. I was literally on the couch with her on the floor under the table today, and about 2 minutes after everyone else left, she starts moaning, then howling. She is 'flicked.
And Chip gets too excited to actually let your pet him. He also peed on my PJ pants. That was a fun night.
Anyways. I guess what I am getting at tonight, is that I still don't know what I am doing here, and that I miss my family and friends. I also miss dating guys I like. I sort of almost miss kissing. Then I think about my last experience and it turns me off to that whole idea again.
I also miss being all high spirited when it came to dating. I am going to let ya'll in on a little secret here. There was a point in high school where I liked this guy soooo much. Not in the same way as the missionary, but since we couldn't date, I was hung up on this other guy. We had so much in common. Plus, he was on the cocky side and I am a sucker for that. Anyways, he told me once he liked when girls had short hair. A week or so later, guess who had an A-line hair cut? I know. Not that I think always changing yourself for people is a good idea, but I miss my willingness to do things like that. Instead, I've just been bitter and sad. And more on the page of saying, If you don't like me the way that I am, you can just move along. I'm not sure which is the right way? Do you bend a little, or do you stay rigid and state that you get what you get? UUUGH DATING. Can I be done yet?
Anyways. I love you guys as always, and thank you for the support. You are wonderful. :)