Guys. I have been both uninspired and inspired over the last however many months it's been since I've blogged. I'll tell you what. Though nothing has really happened, this has been one of the hardest years so far. I say so far because I know that things can and might get worse. That's a depressing thought. But, I thought I'd take a minute tonight and talk about some of the things that are going on and things that, maybe some of you won't agree with, but I'm going to mention anyways.
Let's get started.
So, it has been a year since I moved back here from Virginia. I know it was the right decision. At the time, I was so ready for it. I remember one night, I had just HAD it. I wasn't finding work. I was running out of money, and I felt like I was living off of other people. My sweet family and friends. But, I did get a call regarding the one job I had originally moved out there for. I was soooo excited and nervous. Unfortunately, I missed the call because we were at my cousin's graduation and I wanted to be present for it. You know how that is. I missed that call by 5 minutes. I called back when I got the voicemail. I assumed I would hear the reply "You got the job!!" Instead, I had to leave a voicemail.
Then came the waiting. This was on a Friday, and because it was the end of the work day, I would have to wait till Monday. That is when the panic set in. It became real: I might be living here. I might not see my family back in Utah for a while longer. I was scared. I know I had moved out there with the intention of living there. But after being unemployed for so long, I was really to just be back home in Utah. I prayed that I would be able to accept whatever happened. If I was offered the job, I would take it. If not, I would head back to Utah. At that point, I wanted to come back. And I made sure to tell the Lord that. "Heavenly Father, I know you know what's best for me. I will do whatever you want me to do. If I get that job, I will take it. If not, I'll go back. But Heavenly Father, I want to go home. I feel ready.."
That is the first time i have ever had a prayer answered the way I wanted it to be. At least, at the time. At the time, I was ready to leave. So when I got that call the following week and was told I didn't get it, I was sad, but relieved. I looooove my family out in Virginia. They were there at a crucial point in my life. A point that I had NEVER been. I was so scared. I didn't know why I was there. I had quit a job I was excelling at and moving forward with and was happy.
I know it was right to leave. One of my best friends, who I met because I lived with her, was getting married and was selling the house we lived in. She told me that the same time that I told her I was leaving. Everything unfolded so neatly. And I know I made the right decision because when I moved back, the same thing happened. It was so easy. By the time I came home and was here a couple of weeks, I had two jobs.
But, that meant moving away from my family, and my new best friends and their family. I knew it was going to suck. When they dropped me off at the airport (my very best friends) I cried. Ugly crying. And when I got home and realized I wouldn't see them anymore (at least not daily) I cried some more. I remember asking my mom how it was fair. How is it fair that the Lord sent me out there and gave me such beautiful people to fill up my life, only to have me leave them?? While I was there, I swear it was dream like. It was leaving reality. When I moved home, I was thrown back into the real world. I hated it. I remembered thinking that while I was in Virginia, I was truly happy. (Except near the end.) There were times I hated it because I wasn't doing anything worth while. At least not by working.
So, I came back. I worked my two jobs for a while. I kept in touch with my best friends as often as I could between our busy schedules and time difference. But at the same time, I have become less happy.
I don't want to say that I'm mad at the Lord. I really don't think I am. But, I find myself frustrated. I'm frustrated with me. I knew I wanted to come back. But doesn't He know better than me what will lead me to happiness? Would I actually be happier if I was still back there, with my family and friends? Am I happier here then I would be there? That's hard to say.
One thing my aunt taught me when I was there: nobody is perfect. It seems like a simple lesson. One that I was preaching every single day of my life. But, at the same time I was pushing myself to be perfect. I was failing miserably, and making myself unhappy in the process. I wanted to be perfect so that I could go to the temple. My aunt taught me that NOBODY who goes through the temple is perfect. If they were, we wouldn't need the temple. And that has changed me. After we talked about it for a week, she set up an appointment for me to get my temple recommend. And I got it.
It's since expired. And with that, I have felt that need to push myself again. To be harsh. But at the same time, my mind is rebelling against that pressure. I wasn't happy before when I was worried about every little thing.
Now days, I wouldn't be worthy to go to the temple. The few people that know this, I have talked about it freely with. But there are people I haven't told because I don't know what they'll do. For some people, this is no big deal and they will think "this is nothing. Why were you worried?" while others will be "disappointed in my decisions." But since I've been back, I decided I needed to find out what I want. Not what everyone else wants me to be or wants for me. So, with that being said, I have found ea love of wine. Oh yes. Wine. I said it! Before anyone gets all butt hurt about MY decisions, I'd like to say this. I know the dangers of drinking. I am aware of the road it could take me down. So, I am always very careful to monitor what I've had. I have drank to actually get drunk, one time. Don't lose your heads. I'm not going to say that this is a permanent life change. Because who's to say, in a week, I might decided that I don't want to. But this is the first time in my life that I MYSELF have made my own choice. I didn't make it because someone else wanted me to, and I didn't abstain because someone wanted me to. I did it because I NEED to make my own decisions now and figure out where everything fits in my life. This is also very recent. Like "it's been a month and a half" recent. So what I say next has nothing to do with the alcohol. It's just me being a very (terrible) human, and being brave enough to admit it to myself.
This is something that I have struggled with since I was 18 or 19. And I have had a hard time overcoming it.
If you've known me since then, then you had heard all the stories about the missionary I waited for and how he broke my heart and destroyed the future I thought I had. Since I was young, all I wanted to do was get married and be a mom. And I thought that would happen for me about 5 years ago. But, we all know that didn't work out. It took a long time for me to actually go a day without thinking about that heartbreak. And how mad I was. It's fading finally, but there have been lasting marks on my heart since then.
When one of my best friends' missionary got back, and they got married, I was so insanely jealous. I was a bad friend because she was getting what I wanted. Why could she have it when I couldn't? How can the Lord bless her with this, and at the same time, deny me? Since that time, I have found it very very hard to be happy for people. I mean, I am happy for them, but it is only skin deep. My heart still breaks when I realize that I am NOWHERE that I expected to be at this time in my life. I wanted to be on my own with my husband and a kid. But no. I am alone. Living upstairs in my sisters house watching copious amounts of Netflix and Korean dramas. (Because I love them.) I tried that dating game too. But it sucks. The rejection hurts A LOT. Like the guy that stopped talking to me because I wasn't thin. I'm usually pretty happy with my body. With the exception of the big boobs because they are just ridiculous.
I would go out with people just to go out. I haven't gone out with anyone I was actually physically attracted to. Not for a long time. People tell me "you're too picky" but guess what? When it's not there, it's not there. Maybe a few years ago, I had higher expectations. But now? I don't think so.
As I was saying. Skin deep. I am happy that my friends are finding and getting the things they want and deserve. But at the same time, I am wondering why I have been left behind. It gets hard seeing all the photos of my friends cute babies and loving husbands on a daily basis. That's the danger with social media. We document every little thing because we are so wrapped up in what other people see of our lives.
Sometimes, I just want to cut myself off from everyone because it is so much easier to to cope with loneliness when you can't see others happiness. And I know it's selfish. I KNOW IT. So don't say it. I can't help it. I kid you not, those two things have been the things I have staked my life on. The things I have worked so hard to be "perfect" for, so that the Lord would think I actually deserved them. And at this time, I suppose I am not deserving of them. I hope one day soon He will decide I'm ready. I have such brave friends who are in the same boat as me, and are enduring it so much better. Both inside the church, and outside.
And as time is going on, I find it easier to be happy for people, and forget my own pain. But since this is an old habit from a teenage me, it always takes time.
As I said before, this has been a VERY hard year. From being completely broke thanks to the ER visit I had in April, to me trying to find the joy in others joy. Trying to find myself when I have trying to be something for somebody else for so long.
I know I'll be okay. It takes time, but one day, I'll be a full functioning adult, and not the selfish, bitter, shell of a person that I feel like I have been for 5 years.
As always, I love you guys!
