First Kiss (Yeah, I know all of you were waiting for this one.)

Yes. It happened. The cosmic event that everyone waits for. Well, maybe not everyone. I think some people just can do it. They just wake up and it's like, oh, today's the day. I am going to kiss that person that I really admire. Yes, I said admire. Why? Because people use the word like. And that is used too much. Admire also hits at something more than just a physical attraction. In fact. I am going to google it and then paste it here.. (google magic...or.. in Harry Potter terms.. googules majikus.) Admire: 1. To regard with pleasure, wonder, and approval. 2. To have a high opinion of; esteem or respect. To marvel at something. Often used with at.
Who doesn't want to be admired?! To have someone marvel at you? To regard you with pleasure, wonder, approval, an most importantly, respect?
I have learned a lot about that in the last day. It has been 24 hours since that first kiss. The story starts out kind of silly. We were watching a cartoon. Yes, cartoons. Oh! And lets take a trip back in a time machine because, it's Mr. Intriguing from waaaay back in the day. Remember how I always wondered about that? I am not wondering anymore. People say, you will only regret what you don't do. Lies. Lies, lies lies. I understand regret. Shame. Embarrassment. Violation. These things which I thought before that I had enough experience with these feelings. Enough to handle it when I was faced with it. I wasn't. I don't know how people do this without the gospel. I know. Not all of you are in the same religion as me. That is fine. But, I don't know how I would have been able to get through it.
Back to cartoons. Wait. No. Not there yet. Back a little farther. He is always busy. Part of the fun was we never had time to actually hang out except for the two times we actually did for short amounts of time. Well, we are kind of pressed for time. Why? Bout to drop another bomb on you guys. I was going to wait, but.. people at work are already talking about it, so there isn't a point in not saying. I'm moving to Virginia at the end of January. Now, I am not posting this on Facebook just yet. That will wait since about 5 people read this, it won't blow up just yet. So, pressed for time. He got off of work early last night which is not something that happens. I was tired. Sooo tired. In fact, I fell asleep for a couple of hours and then he texted me 4 times saying he got off. I told him I didn't want to come over because I was tired. I have to work in the morning. It's not very close. All of the usual reasons. But, we're running out of time. 
So I went.
I should have stayed home. There is totally a song about that. How he should have just stayed in bed. I should have done that. No question. I didn't though. I had a time there where I just wanted to be brave and just kiss someone. Then I would come to my senses and remember that waiting is okay.
Now, a small part of my brain thought, tonight could be the night that I get that kiss I was waiting for since I turned 16. I was nervous, but a little excited. He and I had talked before. He knew that I have never been kissed. He knew that I didn't want to just jump right into it. That I just wanted to take it slow. He knows I'm LDS. None of this is secret. I am not ashamed of how.. behind I am from other people from my peers.
So, now, cartoons. We were just enjoying this cartoon. Okay. Let's be honest here, it was Futurama. Is that how that's spelled? I don't care. That's what we were watching. I just looked over at him, and bam. Kiss. Right there on the lips. Right after he pulled away, I literally squeaked out," Oh my goodness!" He laughed, and then just went for it. Now. I am okay with kissing. Well, not right now. It scared me though because I was not expecting, long open mouth kisses for my first. No. I wasn't. So I was kind of trying to not freak out. I was trying to get my thoughts gathered. It didn't work. It was like a deer in headlights. I had no idea what to do. However, I was not fine with it when his hand started creeping south. Nor north. Or East or West. I have told him before that I don't want to do that stuff. Apparently, my feelings didn't matter.
Not at all. 
Things got too heavy. And I know my sister is sitting here thinking.. you're such a baby. Get over it. (If you don't believe me, see facebook. It's there.) But for me? This was earth shattering. I have been saving that first kiss for years. I let my guard down to a guy who didn't respect me enough to stop when I said stop. Or no. Or don't do that. 
Now, during the first 30 minutes of him humping (sorry, that isn't lady like), grabbing, and smooching, I really didn't know what to do. After I got my wits about me a little bit, I was able to finally say No, you can't do that.No, if you don't stop, I am going to leave. Stop.
Eventually, I just left. He still couldn't keep his hands to himself. But, he stopped trying take my shirt off at least.
And guess what? I feel guilty.
Not exactly because of what happened. I mean, I do feel guilty about it. Guilty because I should have just stayed home in bed like I wanted to. I should have just went to sleep. 
However, I wasn't asking for it. I didn't wear revealing clothing at all. I mean, it's winter. who is going to go out in this bitter cold weather in shorts and a tank top?? Not this girl. I am freezing most of the time anyways.
Well. Long story short. I went and talked to my bishop about this. I have the best bishop ever. He is very understanding. But he helped kind of put things into perspective for me. And told me not to let this hold me back. A whole side effect of this is that I really am not looking forward to being in another situation like that. I just don't want to do that to myself again. I have way too much respect for me. Most of the time, anyway.
There was a side of me that wanted to do all that stuff. To toe the line. That is gone. Believe me. There are a few people that I would kiss before I left the state. At this time though, my lips are out of commission. My body is off-limits except for hugs. And I plan to keep to myself for a while. I kind of don't even want to go out. I just want to watch movies and shows that people are not kissing in. No romance for a while. Even if I could just skip work for a week and stay in my room, I would do it.
So. There you go. The long-awaited first kiss turned out to be more of an attack than romance. It's at least worth it to know that if this happens again, I will know what to do. I won't black out for 30 minutes or anything. 
That's it for this evening. Love you guys.

The Loveless

There are different types of love in life

where some are predator or prey.

Or those who find another soul

who's objective is  to stay.

While other chase unrelenting hearts

who want nothing more than words.

Creative lies and writhing tongues 

that eager ears have heard.

Entreating promises designed to tempt,

to change and build and bend.

The innocent ones, have unwittingly believed

and invested their feelings in.

Stumbling, reaching, pursuing those;

the ones with callous intentions.

Encouraging dreams with unfounded trust

with waxing and waning affection.

We are the many, the lost, and unhappy.

The gullible, latched onto every word.

Putting faith and trust in a thief in disguise,

skeptical we're being lured.

The ones who invest our life and love

into something that doesn't exist.

Believing we'll change their mind to stay;

confident that they'll insist.

They don't, in fact. They saunter away 

 expecting us not to feel spited.

Confirming we fell too much in love

our feelings left unrequited.

A continuous web we'll undoubtedly to weave

'til we're strong enough to flee

the oppressing ones who keep us pinned

and we're not too blind to see.

Just Because

Tonight, my brain is full of things. Brains are supposed to be full of things, I know. Tonight, my brain is muddled. Good word, huh? I wish I was the spoiled youngest child. But, no. I have to be an adult and have the bipolar 11 year old sister yell at me and then say "I like your shirt" in the same breath. Plus, her insane little friends trying to walk right into my parents house. What the heck is that about?? Good grief. Having a younger sibling that behaves like she does, is definitely part of the reason I don't live at home anymore. If I didn't have younger siblings, or siblings that could actually get along, I would probably still be at my parents. However, I like being on my own. I do have something I am bursting to say, but I can't say it yet. It is driving me crazy! Just 2 more weeks or so and then I can let all of you blog people in on a secret.
Like I mentioned before, I have a lot on my mind. I can't seem to organize it though. So instead, it is just swirling around my head like a swarm of bees. And guess what? I don't like bees. I will try to separate the creepy insects so I can get some peace.
One thing, I wish I was braver. Instead, I am trapped in my little box of insecurity. I tried to make a change. Last week, I actually initiated a date, which was weird. I don't usually do that. Though I don't like to do that, it was a little empowering. I had a really good week there where I was confident and felt comfortable in my skin. It's really strange how you can lose that so quickly. One day.. I am going to be brave. I'm going to be like.. "hey, boy. I think you're good looking. I am also quite good looking. We should go out." But, I have a feeling that it is still going to take a little bit longer.
Another thing, why does food have to make you get chubby, huh?? Why can't it just be all good for you and not make you turn strange shapes.
Why can't I say "Merry Christmas" to someone and not have someone freak out and say I'm insensitive because they are atheist?
Why can't I just get a job that I love?
Why do certain decisions have to be based on appearance?
Why can't people be honest, so that when there are actual people in need, those with kind hearts can give them a little money or help without worrying that the person actually has a million dollar home or is just too lazy to work?
Why does life have to be so full of sorrow, and such fleeting moments of joy?
Why can't our brains recognize when we have it good, so we can avoid taking moments, or people for granted?
And also, why can Victoria's Secret charge 12 dollars for some underwear??
These are just some of the things on my brain. And, now I've run out of steam. Completely pointless blog post tonight.. I apologize.

Don't Hold Your Breath

Blog family. I am having a hard hard week. My patience and mental stability is kind of frayed and it is a miracle I haven't just given up, quit my job, and moved where nobody knows me. Next year.. This will happen. I am so sick of all the guys here in Utah. Let me tell you boys! Some of you were not raised right. The majority actually. Of course, there are a few I know that are exempt. But the rest of you?? Ya'll need to get your crap together and put your big boy pants on and NOT be butt heads. It It all started last Sunday. I got all fancied up for church. Did my hurr, and make up, wore my fancy clothes, and all of that jazz. I went to church and sat by myself. Now, this is not even unusual. I usually do and I don't mind it. I try to sit far enough in to the row to give people space to sit next to me. Well, after the sacrament was passed, a couple of bros came and asked to sit by me. I was like, sure, and flashed a friendly smile.
Now, as we are sitting here, the guys start whispering. They both need lessons is whispering. If people sitting next to you can hear you, then you suck at it. The guy sitting farther away from me says, "There are some cute girls in this ward." The boy next to me says, "Oh, where?" And his friend proceeds to point to the other side of the room. Ouch. Excuse me, you big dumbs. You are sitting right next to a female, who in her own opinion is not too shabby. I mean, I am no model but please. Maybe save your stupid male talk until you are not surrounded by people who are trying to learn something??  At least girls have the decency to talk about hot guys through text, notes, or we take trips to the bathroom so we can squeal or gag. Anyways. That is how this week started.
I also decided to go see a guy I like in Provo on Sunday. I don't want to get into detail here, but all of my friends hate him and think he is a jerk. They are probably right. But, he stopped texting me on Sunday out of the blue, and then didn't text me back to Wednesday. You guys, suck.
Now, I need to go back about a month for a second here. There are a couple of guys that I work with that have asked me out. Don't got all happy for me. One is 18 years old. I don't prefer to date guys younger than me. The other is also younger, but only by 1 year or so. Still. I have a thing. Boys mature more slowly than girls. That is just a general fact accepted by society. So. The 18 year old. He is pretty funny, so I laugh a lot. He also seems to be under the impression he wants to marry me. He is always saying stupid, funny pick up lines. Which is fine when you are in high school. His religious view don't match mine, though he was raised in the same religion as me. It's safe to say that at his point, I can't take him seriously. The other guy, he is also a good guy, same religious views just still kind of young acting.
Though these guys are good and funny, they are not what I am looking for. Granted, if you asked for a list, I couldn't give it to you. But I figure I would know it when I see it or feel it. I have waited this long for something special. I am not about to just give that up. I am not about settling. So, this week, I have been trying to handle the advances of 18 year old boy. This is happening at work which could potentially be a problem. Work is hard enough without that. We have also been trying to switch offices. That has literally taken all week long. Plus, as soon as the snow starts to come, I honestly lose myself. I don't even act like the same person because I am just a ball of nerves.
Wednesday comes along and I have had a long day, but went to Spanish Fork to see my family. My sister and I had made plans to go run some errands for my car on Thursday. When Thursday gets here, she decides she is going to not hang out with me. Even after saying that she has been waiting for me to visit for weeks. I understand. She needs friends and doesn't get to hang out often. But I felt super ditched. Not to mention I went and test drove cars with my brother as he now works at a car dealership. That was fun, and I found a car that I really liked. My dad had given me a talk earlier that day about shopping at dealerships, so I was really wound up by the time I went there. So, the car I liked turns out is waaaay out of my price range, even after discounts. All I want is a stinking car that goes in the snow.
So, before I could get myself into trouble, I left. I had to get my current car service and tires rotated and what not. So 150 freaking dollars later.. ugh. Stupid expensive crap. I also was trying to see if I could get a new phone. Mine has been cracked for months. And dumb A contracts won't let me get them. STUPID SPRINT. YOU HAVE THE WORST COVERAGE EVER!! THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS JUST OFFER FREAKING UPGRADES WITHOUT STUPID CONTRACTS. So, now I have to keep my cracked phone. Luckily, my brother said he has an upgrade coming, so he might give me his phone until I can get my upgrade in freaking May.
Okay, so I got to work on Friday, and it was rough. We finally moved buildings. But nobody's computers worked and we have so many new people, it is impossible for me to do my job. Now comes Saturday. Today. I set up a meeting at my church last week, which they said was the 17th. That's tomorrow. Turns out it was today. Because someone is a big dumb as well and can't look at a calender. I can't go in because I have work. So.. yeah. Missed that. And work was rough today. 8 calls. That's it. I was answering questions all day long. Which is fine and part of my job, but also, means I miss out on bonuses. NOT FAIR.
The weather sucked, and it was freezing today, so I've been a little tense based off of that alone. So, to end the day and bring me to my current state of pissed off-ness, the guy I went and saw on Sunday texted me. He didn't want to drive, but asked me to come down. At first, I said no because I didn't want to drive either. Stupid weather. But, I told him a little bit later that I would come over if he still wanted me to. I guess to him it seems like an appropriate time to not text back. So I went to sleep. Took a 3 hour nap and everything. But, when I texted him goodnight, I crap you not, a minute later, he texts me back "nighty night" NIGHTY FRIGGIN NIGHT.
Good hell. Boys are dumb which was the main reason for this post. I am ready to quit my job, move to Virginia and stay there forever. I want to sell all of my stuff and just go. Except, I would take my books. My point is, I have been waiting and trying, praying and so on to either feel something more for the guys that I date that are nice, or to find the guy that makes me feel that thing. I am wasting my time with jerks and butt heads. I have been trying to win a guy over but that is going to crap. I can't be a nun because I'm LDS, but that this point, maybe I will be a crazy cat lady. But I am not holding my breath anymore to meet anyone or feel anything. Obviously I don't deserve it.
That is my rant for the week. Night all.

Liebster Award!

I was nominated to participate in the Liebster Award by Amy and pass it on to other fellow bloggers! I love question and answer posts, so this should be fun. You can check out her blog here.

"Liebster" means dearest in German, and it's awarded, blogger to blogger, to up-and-coming blogs with less than 200 followers.  The rules for accepting and giving the award are pretty simple.  Once you accept the award, you just have to do the following in a blog entry:

Answer the 11 questions posted by the nominator on her blog

Give 11 facts about yourself

Nominate 5-11 other new, up-and-coming blogs with less than 200 followers

Make up 11 more questions to pass on to the bloggers you choose to nominate

Thank your nominator by linking back to her blog

Upon your post going live, contact your nominees about your nomination for them

Amy's Questions

1.What movie have you seen more times than any other movie?

That is such a tough question because I tend to become obsessed with moves! Probably Aladdin Beauty and the Beast. I am a sucker for Disney!

2.What would be your perfect date?

You have to go on dates to have a perfect one, right?? Well, I really think that dinner is a good step because you can talk to your date. You have to skip the movie. Mini golf is one of my favorites! Or bowling. Something that you both can let loose and be yourselves. 

3.What has been your most embarrassing moment?

My most recent embarrassing moment happened and Rocky Mountain Wingshak. I had just ran outside to grab my phone, and was heading towards the rest room, which is at the back, but it feels like the front since everyone is looking that way. Well, since it was raining, the floor was wet, and so were my shoes. I slipped and almost fell and EVERYONE in that place was looking my direction. I tried not to scream, so instead I squeaked/ screamed. The manager was like, "Are you okay??" I just mumbled something about the floor being wet. He should have given me free wings. 

4.Have you ever seen something in a store that you absolutely loved and couldn't walk away without no matter what the price? What was it?

I honestly don't think I have ever done that! If it ever did it, it was probably a book. Books are my weakness. 

5.What has been your favorite Halloween costume?

My favorite costumer so far was when I was Waldo from "Where's Waldo"? Only because I got pulled over while wearing it. Guess he found me!

8.Have you ever been approached by someone you recognized but you couldn't for the life of you remember how you know them?

Not exactly! But! There is this guy at my ward who says hi to me, and we talk every Sunday but I can't remember his name at ALL!

7.What nicknames have people made up for you?

More recently: Sgerbs. Gerbster. Sidlicious. Sidvicious.

8.What did you want to be growing up? Has it changed as you have gotten older?

I wanted to be a dancer and vet. I still want to dance, and I still love animals. But, I don't think I could handle my emotions around sick animals. I also really wanted to be a receptionist. That one is more likely!

9.Favorite online store to shop at?

Amazon! But.. I only buy books.

10.What's the strangest talent you have?

I can ride a unicycle. That's not that strange, though.

11.What is your favorite physical feature?

I would have to say either my eyes or lips. That is where expression is shown!

11 Facts About Me

1.I am afraid of heights.

2.Reading is my passion. I don't know what I would do without it.

3.I still want to be an author.

4.When it comes to the guys I date, I can be really shallow.

5.I don't date because I tend to fall for guys too fast and then end up sad.

6.Talking about myself is fun, yet makes me uncomfortable.

7.Never been kissed, and it is SO FRUSTRATING.

8.I have a habit of buying movies.. a lot of movies.

9.I get lonely, so I tend to hang out places where people will cross my path so we can talk.

10.I follow the speed limit, stop signs, and all the rules of the road.

11.I like to run.

Now it's my turn to pass this on to some of my blogger friends and I choose Suzy! Here are my questions for you.

1. What is the wildest thing you have ever done?

2. Who is the person who has influenced you the most?

3. What is something you want to do before you die?

4. What, in your opinion, is your greatest talent?

5. Do you like to go out, or are you a homebody?

6. Vampires or Warewolves?

7. Is there something you wish you could change about yourself?

8. What do you want to change in the world?

9. Who is your celebrity crush?

10. Your favorite joke?

11. What is your go to feel better activity?

Have fun! And pass it on!

CoNtRoL- A Give and Take

My blog family. I am warning you now because I love you. Turn your eyes away if you wish to not see the rage that follows. I really don't want to hold back tonight. Maybe it's because I am tired of keeping quiet when things happen that irritate me. And guess what? That's my fault. I should have enough guts to actually speak up when something is bothering me. However, I don't like to rock the boat. I don't like to create drama when there doesn't need to be. Unless it's Vampire Diaries.. Then I want to drown  in that. When it comes to my life though? No. I don't need it. I have enough crap going on without making my own drama up. And yet? That seems to be exactly what I am doing this evening.
Honestly. It is my fault. I don't need to be mad. It is totally ridiculous. But.. I am going to vent about it anyways. I like to think I am a pretty easy person to live with. I mean, I live differently on my own then I do at home. Its really weird, but I seem to be the neat freak. Anyone that knows me is going to be like.. whaaat? Yeah, it's true. My dishes are always done. I clean up after I use the restroom. My room is usually in pretty good shape. Except where there is laundry to wash because I actually don't have anywhere to put it. My room is a little tiny.
I don't mind doing the dishes. I don't mind cleaning the bathroom. I don't mind dealing with my laundry whenever I can. Ain't no thang. Steaming the floor? No big deal. If I am so cool with all of this? Why I am so peeved tonight?? Because. I have a line. It's a dumb line, and kind of out of control as well. But because that was the ONE thing that I really can control in my new life? Poof. Gone. I am ashamed of myself that it is frustrating me so much. But dang-it!! My parking spot..
I have been parking in the same spot since I moved into my new place. My dad said to me "Establish that as your spot! Sid. You need to do it" I said "no" at first because I thought I would be stepping on toes if I parked my vehicle there. I got over that. So, been parking in my spot for close to 3 months now. I have never had a problem. But one of the girls I live with has recently been taking it over. I know. How petty can I get?? But let's put some icing on the cake here.
 I have a lot of dishes. I have one set of dishes I can actually put in the microwave. Those are the dishes I got for a STEAL okay?? They were so cheap. And here, I am not worried about sharing. We are all adults.
Where I draw the line is you use my dishes and then leave them in the sink for days to get crusty, or leave them in your room to grow things.  Use my dishes! Please! But like... rinse them out!!! You don't even have to wash them! Just rinse them out and leave them for me to do! At least I will know they are clean! Also, if you use my last bowl, you better be washing it and making sure there is at least one for me. Since you know, they're mine.
So dirty all my dishes and then take they spot I have been parking in for 3 months. And then use all my bread and leave the heels. Nice. I deserve this little bit of frustration.
Okay. I am done on that subject. Don't need to be creating any drama at my house. I gotta live here, you know. I just HAD to put on my big girl panties and move out of my home away from my family and my Target girls that I love so much to the big scary real world.
Also. Boys suck. Yeah dudes. You guys suck. Why in the world do you do the crap you do?? Like, let's ditch people at the Front Runner station so they can ride with all of the crack and heroine addicts then let them sit at a baseball game alone? Why do you just flirt with girls when you know you're good looking and be like, oh hey! Yeah, you're not good looking enough so  boo on you??
Because of a combination of the few things mentioned above, I have lost control of my life completely. I feel like I have no control of my body because it's like... Oh Sid. your fat arse is hungry. Go eat something. Then it's like.. your arse is getting fat. Stop eating things so you can be smoking hot in a wedding dress if that ever happens. then like.. ooooh, you're never getting married *tears* go eat a piece of cake to numb the pain! Stupid brain. Plus my car has been kind of on the fritz. I get these really hard calls at work, so my CPH is in the pooper. It all is just getting to me. I have nothing in my life that I am actually in charge. Everything is dictated by something else. So my one thing that was absolutely set in stone.. my little parking spot. Gone. So now, my OCD is going to come out to play. I am going to drive myself nuts because I can't control the things I need to. Nobody can, but I sure as heck am going to try so that I can have something that is constant.
But let's face it. I don't have it that bad. I have a house that is nice. At least my room mates are sweet, and the owner is the bomb dot com. Woop woop. I have a job. I do pretty well, though it isn't anywhere near my own expectations. I have had some crappy friends that went and decided to live life without me. That happens, but I also have a handful of really awesome friends that are going to be there for me for a really long time, and have stuck with me through thick and thin. I have an amazing family. I have a cousin who is addicted to Vampire Diaries which is awesome. And we bake cookies together and tell each other stupid secrets. My car goes. I have a place to park. I have a CAR to park. I don't have a boy friend, but I have a few guy friends who respect me, and somehow manage to help build up my sham of self esteem.
I think I'll live.

Personalities

Hey bloggy people! This is going to be my outside communication for the next couple of days. Why?? Because I am absolutely SICK of my phone buzzing and beeping. People be blowin' up mah phone, yo. I am very grateful to the friends who have been texting me, and I love you for it. I do. However, I am NOT a text person. (Unless it's from a boy that I think is suuuuper cute) and seeing as I love you guys, but not like that, I turned it off. It's been a peaceful evening of reading letters and watching this pretty awful series called Dance Academy on Netflix. It's an Australian show, and has probably the most obnoxious lead ever. But, her "side-kick" is wonderful.
Now! I want to give you all a bit of knowledge that Matty B dropped on me a few weeks ago. Yes, a few weeks ago. I am a busy busy person, and I don't live to please you all! Just kidding. I live for you guys, and I live to make you giggle and cry with me. (I'm getting there!) Anyways, we were having a discussion among our row. About boys. Mind you, there are only 2 girls on our row. Me, and Armadillo. (I don't have a legit nick name for her! I love her to death, but since I am pressed for time this evening, that will have to do for now! That is what all of the boys on our row call her anyway.) So, in my bitter, unlucky-in-love state of mind, was talking the D-ron. We were all speaking about changing. I said, no guys. Boys don't change. Matty B comes up with this little pearl of wisdom. "Boys don't change. Men do." And he said this as serious as the plague. I conceded because that, is true. I made a promise that I would post that little story on here, because he is quite proud of himself. Way to go!
As you saw by the title, I have been focused on personalities this week. I sort of feel like Bill Nye or some other child tv host. It's like a topic every time I blog, and man, I hope it teaches you guys some things! Like, be grateful you have your life, and not mine! Granted, I don't think I could live anyone else's life either. We all have our own trials that are hard for each person. That doesn't mean that we can't be grateful that we aren't dealing with certain things. That... was off topic.
Personalities! We each have our own! Some people are the clown, others are as dry as toast. But, we are who we are, human nature and all that. This week at work, we had a personality meeting to help us deal with customers more effectively. Let's be honest though, if someone is going to be a douche, we can't really do anything about that. I think that it is a great idea though! We took a test to find out which of the 4 personality types we are. Thinker, Controller, Feeler, and Entertainer. I was a feeler. This makes a lot of sense because people have to remind me to do what I want to do, and now that they want me to do. That also brings up some other attributes like kindness, and trying to keep the peace and not sir up trouble. We also have a tendency to blow up, when provocation is relentless, and regret the outburst later. If that isn't me, then I don't know what is.
I also had the opportunity to take the Color Test as well! The colors are Red, White, Yellow, and Blue. Red, would be the people who are all about business and facts. White, are the peace keepers and like to keep the waters calm. Yellow are the jokesters who love entertaining everyone else! Blue, are the people pleasers who try to do things for everyone else. My two colors are Blue and Yellow, followed closely by White, and then I had almost no Red. What can I say?? I have no need to be in control of other people. Unless it's children. Then I really want to be in charge.
Because of the personality test, it kind of opened my eyes to my behavior and others. It's crazy the way that people operate. (Also, this is totally unrelated, but I am in my room right now, talking to Netflix. And one of my room mates just got home. They probably think I am crazy.) Back to personalities. It's crazy. We were all trying to predict the type of personality that each other waas. And we were all wrong. You really probably don't know people as well as you think you do.
I am also struggling with another situation. Sort of the same as the previous one. One I am also not going to get into. But, I swear. One day I am going to just glue my hand to my forehead because it is there most of the time anyway.
Why, in the world, can I not find a guy that I like who likes me back? I mean, I really nice people who... offer? That's not a great word, but that make the advance, that I am just not attracted to. It is not something that is heartening. But, my sweet room mate said to me one night as we were talking about how some people are really really picky and they don't have the option (sort of like myself) and she yells at me," You have every right to be picky!! You are beautiful and look like Rachael McAdams!" It absolutely made my night. And I think about it every time I get sad or think what my sister tells me (Which is I am going to die old and alone if I don't stop being picky!). If someone else can see that in me, why can't I? Why can't all of us? Well, Red personality types probably do!
Any how! That is my full rant for the evening! Have a lovely night people and I hope you actually get to sleep! Because right now, that is all that I would like to do.

Need A Little Order

Hey blog peeps! I know! Two in one month! Hell must have frozen over so something. Anyway! Today I don't have one specific thing I want to talk about. It's sort of a swirl of stress and fun times that has been going through my head lately. First off, I need to give a little shout out to a new blog "follower". I use quotations because you guys are NOT followers. Just friends. And since I am suffering from a creative mind block, I am using basic word-age today. So, howdy Matty B and welcome to the madness! Ha! Okay, that is basically all I have to say about that.
My next topic is sort of a continuation of the last post. The situation I am being vague about has escalated a little. It is sort of hard to explain. Nothing was said or done in person. However, it was a step in the wrong direction. It has be questioning the need for social media sites. But, who am I kidding. I am as addicted to those site as the next person. Maybe not as addicted as my mom, but still! It's enough. So, that has been weighing on my mind as I am trying to figure out exactly how to proceed. It needs to be handled delicately as this does affect my work place. AH!
Also, I am starting to become concerned with the caliber of men that I seem to attract. Guys, I am telling you. I have been to the moon and back dating different types of guys. The traditional RM, the bad boy, the creepy guy that smells like onion, the "sexual predator" type, the firefighter (gah, I miss him.), the stereotypical online date, the one I am pretty sure is gay but hasn't admitted it to himself, and the rich douche bag. I am pretty sure that covers all of the bases, don't you think? Oh! Don't forget the recently divorced and still married but on the verge of divorce on that list as well. Now I am absolutely sure that I have touched all bases. So, now I have really lost faith in the race of men. Seriously. It is like Jr. High when that quote that was so popular," All the good guys are taken.. or gay." And that seems to be a trend lately. I am about to get into a topic that is a little rough and touchy.
Actually.. No, I am not. I just typed like... half a page about it and decided.. Mmm.. better not. (Who got that reference!?) All I need to say is that I do have an opinion on the subject. I think a lot of people will agree with me, and others will be very offended. Luckily, because I didn't type it up like I wanted to, I can avoid that situation.
Also, I had a fun couple of events this week! On Wednesday, I went to the batting cages and driving range with MindyLee and Mitch from work. It was a BLAST! However, I really shouldn't go with them ever again because they are both very good at both. I am horrible. I told G-Money about that experience last night and as soon as I told her, she started cracking up! Why?? Because she knows I am about as athletic as a potato. I can't even believe that I agreed to it. And let me tell you, my hands... they are KILLING me. Mostly just my right hand from the vibration of the bat connecting with the ball. (Yeah, I actually hit the ball!) However, it stung so bad.. After every hit, I was shaking my hands trying to get the stinging to ease up a little. Now, I just have a really swollen right hand. It was super fun though! I really want to go again so that I can actually try to redeem myself from last time. I will have the give the batting cages a time out though.
I also got to hang out with Amy this week! Oh, this girl is one of the few people that I actually consider a friend! I just love her! We watched the basketball game (Spurs VS Heat) and made the cutest clothes pins with glitter on them! So stinking cute! Then, we talked and talked about Pinterest, yard sales, and books. She lent me a book called Austenland! If you haven't read it, you should! It was wonderful! That is one book I am going to have to buy! It also makes me really want to watch Pride and Prejudice.
I also hung my magnet bored up and built think little TV stand (without tools! Thank goodness for my Swiss Army Knife..) and got my room a little more tidyed up. It's strange how doing just little things around your house can make it feel a little bit more like home.
G-money and I also went to Olive Garden which is like DisneyLand to me! I love that place so much.
That was basically my week. It's been weird, and good. Very stressful though.
Next time I blog, I hope that I actually have something interesting to say. A good story like the Door Knob battles. It has been a while since something like that has happened. With the exception of what is going.. however, that story is just not funny! Mostly, I just get really embarrassed and I am trying to just tread lightly.  Not encouragement for that situation.
In closing, I would like to thank you guys again, and also tell Matty B to just ASK HER OUT ALREADY. You're practically married! ;) Just kidding, bro! Have an awesome evening, people!

The Young and Naive

Hey blog people! Sorry for my extended LOA. I have had some spotty internet and I really had a lot on my mind as well. As always, I will share with you what I have been thinking about.
As you all know, I have recently started a new job. I mean, it isn't super recent, but it is recent enough. My 90 day trial period is almost up and so I have been a little tense as far as work is concerned. I really would like to keep this job, you know? Why?? A) It's not a bad place to work. B) I did just sign my money away on the dotted line to live in a pretty sweet house all by myself.. with 3 other girls! It's been a blast! I love it! Do you know how many freezer waffles I have been able to eat??? Me either because I lost count! Either way! I think that it has been good. I like going up to my room and having it be quiet.. and I like going to the kitchen and using my own dishes, having my own food in the pantry and fridge, and I looooove just the idea of being by myself. Not that I want to be alone forever, because I definitely don't. Just when I am home, I love having my own space that no one else intrudes in. I miss my family like crazy, so don't get me wrong. Half the time I would like to just burst into tears and drive back to their house after quitting my job and become the troll in the basement once again. (My mom gets sooo mad when I refer to myself as a troll. It really cracks me up!) But, it is time to grow up, you know? I am old enough to do this, and yet, I still feel too young to be in this situation.
I don't like being stressed about money. Not that money is super tight, but I try to make sure I always have at least next months rent ready and waiting so that I can at least have that covered. The whole money situation is just really overwhelming anyway! Without worrying about rent. Honestly, buying food is usually last on my list. When  I am planning, it is in the priority of 1. Rent. 2. Gas. 3. Utilities. 4. Phone Bill. 5. Food.
I have really been wanting to get an itunes gift card and amazon gift card, presents for a few people, and a few other frivolous things. They are not as important as a roof over my head though!
Anyways. There have been a few things lately that have been weighing on my mind. I don't know exactly how to deal with these things. Well, one of them I dealt with. But it doesn't seem that it is going to be off of my mind for a while. It has me on edge and little restless. It made me so nervous today, I thought I was going to lose my.. well.. I didn't eat breakfast this morning which was probably a blessing in disguise.I am really really sorry. This is going to be pretty vague this time. I know, I know. I don't usually have an issue sharing all of the details of my life. However, this is fresh and is really not something I can joke about just yet.
There has been some instances at my new place of work that I had to confront today. It was the absolute LAST thing I wanted to do. Honestly, I just wanted to brush it off of my shoulders and let it roll. However, I was getting concerned that this could possibly escalate. Here is the other issue. I was really really worried that what was happening was totally in my head. After an instance of what something happening this last weekend was the push that I needed to take a step.
As I was getting the majority of what happened off of my chest to the appropriate parties, I was asked a question. "Has this happened before? Before you started here." I had to think about this briefly. Why would i have to think about this?? Let me tell you. This is something that I should have come forward about a very long time ago. But, being 17 years old, never been kissed, and hadn't been in an actual relationship, besides stupid missionary that ruined me. Even that was just a wisp of a relationship. My point is, at that age, I didn't think this was really and issue. I was flattered, honestly. In usual circumstances, I would have been okay to be flattered. However, in this instance, I am sure I was mistaken. Now that I am older.
At one of my previous jobs, I had captured the attention of one of my managers. He was older than be by about 6 years or 7 years. Not that he was handsome by usual standards. But, there was something intriguing about him. Plus, he liked ME. Chubby little 17 year old Sidney. Not to mention he was a bad boy. By this, I mean he smoked, drank, and a variety of other things that I won't share.
As time when on, he and I grew a little closer.. then a lot closer. He used to call me. Mostly when he was intoxicated. Other times, he would call me when he was getting off of work and driving home. He would ask me to sneak out. He would say he would come to me, just to open my window and he'd meet me. Honestly, it is a VERY lucky thing at this point that I was a coward. He would always say," When you're 18, I am going to come and give you your first kiss." He really know how to be sweet. Not that what I quoted right then was sweet, but he totally had me swept off my feet. Back then, the only issue was that I was a minor. Thinking back, there was a LOT more wrong with that situation that I even realized at that age. How stupid we are being young.
I remember one time, as we were in the back room, I was messing with the Ipod deck we had. Just trying to find some good music while I did my job. He walked into the back room, and was walking behind me. He decided to stop right there, press himself against my back, and did that whole, not so wholesome dance move. Honestly, this description sounds a LOT worse than it actually was. Worse things have happened at high school dances. This was slow, and very VERY intimate. I remember getting goose bumps on my neck because he was breathing on it, and he had his hands on my hips. I remember that I couldn't even catch my breath. I just didn't even know what to do. Not that I wanted to do anything at the time. My mind went totally blank and I just let it happen. It was brief, but enough that it is burned into my mind.
It is not such a mystery to me why people get raped or molested. These two experiences are enough to convince me that when you're young and naive, or even older and terrified, this situation doesn't get any easier. It is so hard to admit to someone that you let these things happen. That you didn't stand up for yourself when you actually had the chance.
Today, when I did, and I was asked," Has this happened before, it struck me as yes. Though the previous situation was not as unwanted as this situation, it was worse. It was a much, much worse situation. Men, you can be sneaky and cruel. You can be manipulative and calculating. And you can know just how to pick your victims.
Living on my own, I am learning so much more about myself. Things that I thought were true about me, are now so false. I thought I was strong, brave, and believed in myself enough to stand up for me. But, I am not. I am not brave enough to just spare myself misery and actually make a preemptive strike and nip it in the bud before it turns into something more. I know, I took a step today. But not until things were getting bad enough that it has been causing emotional distress while I am at home. It has occupied my mind on what I am going to do to discourage without hurting feelings. In the process, I have been throwing myself into the line of fire. Taking the hits when there didn't need to be but one. One to just say, no.
Now, after this experience, if there are any ladies who are dealing with something similar, I encourage you to take the correct steps to putting an end to it. It doesn't matter if you are flattered, or just slightly uncomfortable. You KNOW what's wrong. You know what should and shouldn't be happening. Don't let your story escalate further than mine. It was absolutely far enough.
As always! I love you, my little blog people! I love having my small audience that keeps track of my stories and are so caring! You guys are wonderful and I hope good things are happening for you! I hope you are brave and strong! I hope you have faith and courage. I also hope you know you are loved! Have a wonderful evening!

Reasons and Change

I have been catching a LOT of flack lately for my last post. It is time to explain. First off, to you who disagree with me keeping my letters of a lost love, you are wrong. If you are surprised that I still have them, then you don't know me at all. To my sister, who is the ONLY person who has made me feel like I am not nuts, I love you. There is a reason we came down from heaven together. You know how I am, you function the same way, and we shared a womb. You have no excuse to not know how my brain works. So, I think you're wonderful.
To those who are super incorrect, I get to try to help you understand the way I work. Above all, do I have a boyfriend or husband that might be put off by them? NO. I am a single lady (all the single ladies!) who can do whatever I please with my past. And now, a little insight for you. I, am a collector of scraps. Do you know what this is? Sentimental crap. S-crap. You see?? Ha-HA-ha. I have such ridiculous random things. I have papers I wrote in 7th grade. I have a script that I read once for drama in 10th grade because I got to read it with the boy I liked. I have letters from missionaries. Not just him. I wrote a random man while he was on his mission when I was 15 or so. I have that letter. I can't even read his name.
Secondly. I love stories. I love sad stories, especially. Les Mis is one of my favorite stories in the world, and that really doesn't end well for anyone. I love my books, which I collect religiously. If I buy a book that comes with a removable cover, and I lose that cover?? I buy a whole new book. Yes, this is a sign of an issue, I think.
I also love paper, and I love writing. I love getting a new note book with fresh pages and filling them up with words and scribbles. If I could put this blog on paper and post it with as much ease as done with technology, I would do it. I have tons of notebooks. Just tons! And I brought them all with me when I moved! Once again, I know. This is a problem.
I also love my friends. Even my friends who have left me, or have not been great friends. Friends that I don't talk to them anymore, I LOVE THEM FIERCELY. They are all equally important to me. If I haven't spoken to you in years, it's good. One day, we will catch up. However, as soon a friend who is so close to me, lets me down, the devastation sets in. I am too easy to forgive. It's like that saying, Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Only, I have been fooled probably close to a hundred times. If you just remember my existence, all the bad blood is gone. Just vanished out of nowhere. It needs to stop. I am 22 years old and I ain't got time fo dat. My life is taking some unexpected turns, and they are hard to deal with. I do NOT need to catch crap from the people that I love with all of my heart. From this point on, I am finished. If I have done nothing to offend you like uh.. I call you a beezy and slap you in the face, then you have no reason to ignore me, or talk smack about me behind my back. Or judge me. Which is where I will get back on track.
I talked to 4 of the people I trust the most. These people have been with me for most of my life. Thick as thieves. But, out of those 4 people, one helped me. And guess what? It is my sister. Of course.
If you don't understand by now why I refuse to get rid of my litters, then you my just exit this page and go stage left because we are obviously not as good of friends as I thought. Or, you can accept that I collect things that I probably shouldn't. That I care deeply and fully. Throw myself into something entirely and get swallowed whole. Things in my life consume me whole. My relationships with my friends and family, my emotions, my worries. They all get the better of me.
These last few years, I have been a hard and bitter person. I am not going to lie and say that I have changed overnight. I haven't. But, that night I posted my last blog, a sweet woman who I used to be AWFUL to when I was in Young Women's said something to me. I won't share what it was, but a knot in my chest popped. I was shocked. I knew I had been carrying around the negative emotions from the past, but guess what? That pop, was the sweetest relief. I didn't realize that I would be able to feel the physically release in such real way. I thought, oh maybe my shoulders will not droop as much, and maybe my heart will feel lighter. But not, it was a pop. The pop that changed me.
After that, I read a letter, and I didn't cry. Not a single tear. I was so surprised. Those letters, no matter how innocent some were, ALWAYS brought tears to my eyes. But not this time. I read three, and all it felt like was a tender memory of a younger me. I still feel a twinge of regret about how things ended, but I can say fully that it wasn't my fault. I can also say now, that I have overcome it and come out the other end stronger and better prepared for the world.
I don't think living with a childlike outlook on life is bad. It is wonderful. But it is only realistic for a short amount of time. You can't be young forever. I mean, you can, but you have to be smart. Not naive. Which is why I am no longer going to be wasting my time with people who don't love me the way that I love them.
I don't have enough energy to sustain friendships all by myself. You can't be surprised if when you actually need me or want me, and I am not there. Because too many of my friends have let me down when I needed them. I will not be "that friend". I am NOT here for your convenience. I am here to live life with you. To share your bumps and bruises. Your tears and happiness. Your triumphs and your failures. I am here to laugh at you when you fall on your face while we skate. I am your friend.
I am not as strong as I hope I am. I want to be able to be able to brush my shoulders off and say no big deal to things. But, I feel them deeply, and they bring me down more than you know. I don't need people like that in my life. Nobody does. The Lord never intended us to make each other feel so awful. We are supposed to support and love each other regardless. I feel like I have done that. I have forgiven those who have trespassed against me seventy times seven. Now, it's not just time to forgive and forget the wrongs, it's time to forget.
I will hold tight the memories that we had together, but I will no longer try to create new ones. We won't be those kinds of people. I am not built that way. I have love enough to end a war, but I entrust it in the wrong people. So, instead, I will save it for myself to build a better me. Because I am worth it, yo!
As always, to those who read this, you are my true and real friends. No matter how many times I moan and groan about the disasters that unfold in my life, you are all there for me. I appreciate that more than you can guess! You are made of awesome, and I love you!

To the Boy Who Broke My Heart

Blog followers (all 3 of you..), tonight will be a somber sort of post. Sometimes, I do these things that I wonder WHY in the world I would do them, especially because I know how it is going to end. I made this poor decision this evening to read some letters from a missionary I used to write. I loved him, a lot. I waited for him, I wrote him for two years, and I thought, at the very least, we would date when he got back. His name is Arah. No. He doesn't get the courtesy of a nick name because I don't believe he deserves discretion. Only my friends I will protect from their shame. Not him, though. Not him.
A brief back story on he and I, and how our relationship developed. He was 16 (almost 17) and I was 14. Now, I am not sure at ALL how we even started speaking. I don't know if someone gave me his email and I just went for it, or what. But, we started talking on evening on MSN messenger. Do you  remember those days?? Ah, what innocent bliss. We chatted for hours! From around 8 pm until 3 am. We went to sleep for a couple of hours, and by 6 am, we were chatting again. Now, I was a smart girl. I would talk to strangers, however, I wasn't one to go meet them anywhere. However, I was sooo interested in this boy. He was so nice and innocent. Sweet, like a Disney Prince.
Well, one day, we decided to meet. It was awkward for the first little while, but we played Scene It with a few of my friends. In the end, we all had a wonderful time, and my affection for him grew just a little stronger.  We kept in contact constantly though out the years. When I turned 16, he took me on my first date. It was, by far, one of the best dates I have been on to this day. We walked around a pond, I took off my shoes, and he chased me and we laughed. It was perfect. One regret? I didn't let him kiss me. Now days, I don't know if it is better that he didn't, but I wish I would have.
When I was 17, he turned 19. I am sure you can guess what that means. It was time he served a mission. Before he left, he took me to homecoming. That was the only formal dance I have ever been asked to. It didn't matter to me until after I graduated. Now, it matters.
When he left on his mission, I cried. Big fat elephant tears. I was a coward and couldn't go to his house for his farewell party. I went to his talk though. It was wonderful. I still have the program.
The one part I was looking forward to were the letters. Letters have so much power. They can make your day! Or break it. Letters are a true expression of feelings in my opinion. If you are taking the time to write feelings down, that means something. And boy.. did we write our feelings down. We would end every letter with "love your guts". It escalated later on. Love your smile. Love you. We made plans. He would always tease me that I would be married when he got back. I told him, no! I was waiting for him. These are the naive thoughts of a teenage girl. But, in LDS culture, I assumed that when you waited for someone, and devoted all of that time to one human being, it meant a little more. It doesn't.
He was one of the only boys who called me beautiful, and gorgeous and I believed him. With my whole heart. I invested my whole heart into him. I didn't look at other boys, I didn't date other boys. Not at all. He made me what to be better and do better. He never understood why. I told him he was wonderful, and handsome. I adored him. When I got letters from him, I would literally scream at the top of my lungs. I would do happy dances no matter where I was. When I didn't hear from him, I worried, but only for his safety. I knew we were okay. He liked me. I liked him. There wasn't anything I had to fear.
He would tell me that when he got my letters, he glowed. That he missed his bus once because he was so excited. He would write me on trains, and tell his companions about me. He teased me, he complimented me, and he strengthened me. He liked me, even when I was going though my "emo" phase of skipping school, watching R rated movies, and cussing. I never did that around him, but he knew. And he didn't care.
When he got back, I expected him to be different. I assumed he would need some time to get his life out of the mission lifestyle. I was content to wait. To be patient. I thought he would maybe speak to me a little more than he did. But, he started to drift. He came to visit me once with his best friend, Shawn. (Hey bro!) He came to see me one more time after that. He brought his sister. It was very, very awkward.
I tagged along with Shawn to his homecoming talk. He ignored me the entire time. I literally fell asleep on the couch. And? I cried. I cried so hard. He would say he was sorry he was so busy, that he was looking for work. But, he just stopped trying. He used to tell me I was such a great friend. He said he was so lucky to have me and that I was a keeper ;). He must be a prince with the devil's tongue because I believed that.
One day, he told me he had moved to California. He was born there. I cried then, too. He just up and left. Didn't even tell me until he was already there. I would ask him straight out, if he wanted to talk. If he even wanted to be friends. He said of course. And yet, he stopped trying. In turn, I stopped trying too.
It was just a few months that he had been home, and he was dating another girl. A few months after that, they were married. And me? I have been wallowing ever since. I used to be so full of life and light. I had hope, and believed in romance and dreams coming true. That child-like part of me slowly dimmed throughout that time. Now, I am a bitter, cynical, heartless wench. Okay, maybe that is dramatic. But I haven't been happy like that since.
Now, when I have friends who have boyfriends that go on missions, I always tell them not to wait. Not to put their life on hold and miss out on going out with boys and friends. I did that. It is, by far, the biggest regret of my life. I don't regret loving him. I don't regret falling head over heels for a sweet, funny, kind boy who made me feel loved. I do regret that I didn't keep a realistic image in my head. My whole family, my friends, if I let them, would read the letters. They all thought that we would get married when he got home. A part of me wanted them to be right, but I knew I had to wait and see.
Unfortunately, what I saw and what happened has put a damper on my spirit. I haven't felt the need or desire to try living for anyone else. I can barely life my life for myself. I can hardly live it in a way that my Heavenly Father would be proud of. Instead, I am putting along with blinders on and my head down. I would fall for kind words and shining eyes at any chance. Forget if the guy was married. Forget if they didn't believe what I did. And forget it if they didn't give a rat's arse about me. I didn't care. I have been trying for 3 years now to get over this. Slowly, it seems I have been. However, I think this is something that I will carry with me for a large part of my life. Why the Lord believes I need to be alone, miserable, and borderline losing it, I don't know. I am not sure what sort of lesson I was supposed to learn from a heartbreak like this. What good did it do?? I can tell you it did absolutely nothing. Sometimes, I just want to give up on life and lie on the floor, biting my knees and just wait for the ache to go away.
It dulls, it does. But, it has stayed with me this whole time. Every once in a while, like tonight, it lashes back with such sharp force, it takes my breath away. It is my fault sometimes. I will read those letters, letters of him telling me he loved me and my smile. That he couldn't wait to see me again. German phrases that I would have to translate on google. But, I want to remember what is is like to be loved like that. It was pure. Innocent. No underlying agendas. It just was.
I am looking for that again. Something effortless and natural. Something real. But more than that, something that lasts. And I worry that I won't find anything better than what almost was with him. He was my first real love. And, I also want to punch him in his face for ruining me.
Anyways, that is enough moping for the evening. I love you guys, and hope you have a swell night.

Those Darn Habits!

Tonight, I have been thinking about habits. Now, there are three kinds of habits. I just can't WAIT to list them off to you! First, you have the habits that others think are endearing. For example, you tilt your head and look at the ceiling when you think, or squint at things you find strange. Then, there are the habits that everyone else wants to kill you for. Popping gum extremely loudly, or perhaps a temper?? (The Six Merry Murderesses anyone??) Now for the third kind of habit: the ones that only you notice that drive you ABSOLUTELY CRAZY and you can't seem to stop yourself! Old habits die hard, huh? 

Because I brought this topic up, I will share with you my habits that I hate that I have. Honestly, if they had chewing gum or a patch to cure them, I would have overdosed on them a long time ago. For one, I seem to have these moments where I can't control my brain or mouth, so I say a lot of stupid things I probably shouldn't. I haven't been much a television person for.. gosh, years. Until I moved to Spanish Fork and didn't have any friends. I also have a habit of rage. It is almost like blind rage, it seems. But, with that rage comes a distinct ability to forgive whoever is on the other end of my rant. My last one that I would like to bring up, is how I can't seem to retrain my brain into doing what it should. 

These habits can be brought on by situations, or people even. I know that when my old friends come back into my life, I revert to old habits. Think How I Met Your Mother and the term "revertigo". That explains it perfectly. But, it gets so frustrating!! I have tried so hard to pattern my life in a different way than I was living a few years ago. I have wanted to make a change and be different, and want different things, make new friends, and date new people. But! Things happen, and suddenly I am 15 again and wondering if my hair looks alright! Even when I was in high school, there was a very very minimal amount of time where I actually cared how I looked, and what people even though of me. During those times, I was different people. The snotty teen for one group, the caring one for another, and the broody artist for another. And, I am not gonna lie, when people touch my things, I turn into a toddler.

I have been so sick of not knowing who I am or what I want from life, that I have been on a mission of sorts. Soul searching for things that I actually like, and not things I like because my friends like them. I want to be my own person so badly. I don't want to be defined by any one person, and I hate that certain people still have some sort of influence over me. I don't want to revert to my old ways and be that selfish 15 year old. I am 22 for goodness sake! 

No boy will be able to control my life. I mean, when I get married and have a husband, you better believe I will do everything in my power to make him happy. However, I am not going to pattern my life to impress someone. I have tried to live in a way very much like "what you see is what you get". Even when I wear make up. How awful would it be that I can't even let my boyfriend see me without make up because I put so much on, I am unrecognizable. My personality cannot fracture like this either. I won't have it. 

People seem to get their life in order when they least expect it. I have been trying to put my life in order, and it seems to fall into chaos. I guess that is what happens when you try to control the uncontrollable. That, or you go crazy. 

Anyways. I think I ran out of steam tonight. As per usual, I love you guys who spend the minutes it takes (depending on how quickly you read ;) ) to bask in the angst that is my life at the time being. It really does mean a lot to me. ALSO! Special shout out to a lady who made me cry big fat tears last night for doing something so unbelievably sweet, my small, cold heart couldn't hold it in. Thank you so much. I love you and am so grateful for your support. You are so sweet and I hope life is good to you, because you deserve it. I love you all though! Sleep tight!

Cracked.

I have lost my damn mind. Lost it. Poof. Just blew out the window like cheap drapes. What is the problem? I have screwed my life up. And by this? I mean that I have changed it so drastically, I don't recognize it anymore. This isn't the life of Sidney Vale Gerber anymore. I don't know who's I'm living in anymore. It seems like a recreation of Day of Our Lives but set in Utah.. and, there is a lot less sex. None to be exact. No passion. No romance. Nothing. Just blah. This is why everything seems fractured and incomplete. Not because there isn't sex in my life. I can handle that, I promise. It has everything to do with what life I am living. This life has nothing familiar in it. It has no friends, it has no fun, it has no time for anything but working and working some more. This life spends all day at a desk getting yelled at and called a liar by random people in Florida who don't know how to speak proper English. This life wants to run, and play. To eat ice cream and not get fat. Instead, it consists of homemade lunches of peanut butter sandwiches.
At this point, this life is miserable. Not that it doesn't have it's bright spots. It does. They are just outweighed by dark. Dark is the absence of light. There isn't light in a lot of the things going on. This life is full of moments of panic and constant stress. It is taking a toll on my health. I just miss my friends. I miss being on my feet all day, running around, and looking forward to the rare moments we can actually sit. Now, I am looking for reasons to be on my feet. I am going to get squash butt sitting in a chair all day. I would like to avoid that.
This new life doesn't get to see family. Immediate family anyways. This life lives with her awesome cousins and aunt. Which is also good in it's own ways. Family is important. This person thinks she has patience, but when it is tested, she fails.
This person swore probably 40 times in the 4 miles she drove home from the auto shop because they failed her car on emissions. She abused her car via hitting the steering wheel. This poor car doesn't stand a chance. This girl looked at the looming clouds and asked her Heavenly Father why He keeps screwing with her. If He is going to make her be alone or send her on dates that make her want to be alone forever, why can't He make her car pass emissions?? Why is it that he good suffer and the wicked thrive? She asks Him why, when she tries so hard to live the right way, the things she needs to move on with life successfully, can't come to pass?
She is selfish. She is surrounded by drama she doesn't need. She forgets all of the things she has to be grateful for. She is not me. But now, she is. I hate being this way. We are creatures of our environment. We pick up habits and traits which can either be great, or can ruin us. We are weak, frail, and we can try to change, but it is more likely we will fail. That doesn't mean we shouldn't keep fighting.
One thing I have been struggling with this last weekend is faith. I am willing to set my own mind aside and say, Please, Lord, take my life in your hands and help me accept it. Or even the whole "Ask and ye shall receive" thing. Maybe I am not asking right. Maybe, I am knocking on walls instead of doors. Or maybe this is all I deserve. Maybe I am not supposed to have things go right for me because I am wicked and a child of Hell. Who knows. I don't. What I do know, is I feel miserable. Where is that easy joy I used to find? It was so much like that of a young child. I could find joy in a flock of birds, or a pretty weed. Now? I can't find that joy anywhere. That hope? Gone. That child-like faith? Gone.
I know, I know. This is not the right way to be living. Not the right mindset. But who's to say?? Those people that have it so easy always play the victim. Those who are killing or raping or worse, are living peaceful lives among the rest of us. How is that fair?? It isn't.
It would be too easy to slide down that slippery slope The things that are so bad for us? They are ready and waiting for our consumption with such easy access. It is all too easy. And yet.. for those of us that feel guilt and remorse? It isn't easy enough.

First Ever Annual..

Wow! One year ago, well, more than a year ago, I started this blog. A safe haven for me to vent my feelings about my family, friends, personal life, amongst other things that you probably don't need to know. It has been quite a journey from the past to where I am now. I feel like Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, except that my story is more like How I Found My Life. Quite honestly, I feel lost and a little to small to be in the life I am living right now. Five days before Valentines Day of this year, I got a text from my cousin that changed my life. She told me her mom had offered me a place to live at her house. Rent free, all I need to do is help out around the house. Also, that she would help me with my resume and help me find a new job. The room would be mine until December. I knew that was the push I needed to get my life moving in a forward direction as opposed to being stuck in a puddle of self pity and loathing.
By the time Valentines Day rolled around, I was moved in to my new home. I have joined a new singles ward, gotten a new job, started losing weight like I have been trying to do for years, and all in all, a LOT has happened. I have had mixed feelings, if I am being honest. Sometimes, I am so sad. I feel like my new environment is swallowing me up whole. That I am stuck in the middle of a pool of chaos. Most of the time, however, I am so glad. I am sooo happy I was directed to make the choice that I did. Without it, I would still be a troll in my parents' basement. Now, I am a more sophisticated troll on the upper level of a town house.
Today is Easter Sunday, so I am feeling pretty spiritually uplifted and fed. If you don't like it, you might want to scroll down a few paragraphs until I can resume the lighthearted joking and playful banter that I seem to have with myself. Since I have moved up to Saratoga, I mentioned a new singles ward. Let me state first, that I didn't care for the one I was attending previously. There were a couple of girls that were/are some of the sweetest, gutsyest, most hilarious girls I have met. I adore them. The rest of the ward? Not so much. The majority of the people in that ward were cold, unfriendly, and stuck in their ways. Not willing to invite someone new into the fold. This could not be more opposite at the ward up here. I have been here a mere month, and have had so many people just walk up and introduce themselves. I LOVE this ward. Everyone laughs, hangs out together, makes jokes while giving talks (including the bishopric), and it is so refreshing. The first time I went, I knew it was where I needed to be.
Continuing with Easter themed conversation, we had such a beautiful program today. I didn't even expect to feel as moved as I did. I am not one to get super spiritual ever. It happens sometimes, but I have had to get more in touch with that part of me more. Now that I am relying on the Lord to help me keep my mind and soul from cracking. Honestly, I am pretty sure I am totally in denial about where I live. If I think about it too much, I get that awful gaping hole in my chest. The feeling that is akin to a black hole. If you let it, it will take everything, threatening to turn your walls into crumbling bricks and so on. Today, I really felt His love for me, and I had my own love to give in return. He has helped me so much this last month. I was sure I wouldn't be able to do it. I am attached to my family in a huge way. Not seeing them every day has been difficult. Especially because my sister is one of those I don't get to see. Now that she is married though, she gives a lot of her attention to her husband. It's fine! Even though she is married, she still makes time for me when I call, and vice versa. However, I can't rely on her anymore as far as being my right hand girl. It's time to make my own way in the world. That is what I intend on doing.
What brought this on, you ask? Let me just share. I had a wonderful day at church, and when we went to my grandma and grandpas house, we watched a movie. Have any of you seen The Other Side of Heaven?? Anybody? I'm sure a few of you have. This movie is WONDERFUL. The last time I saw it, I was young. Too young to understand the gravity. To me, it was just a movie where a lot of bad stuff happened, and by miracles, this young man was able to make it home, and live happily ever after with the girl he loves. Today, it holds so much more. I have so much respect for the men and women who serve the Lord through a mission. Those that are so brave, to leave their family for two years or so, and forget themselves completely. I also don't think I could feel this way without our Lord and our Savior. They protect these mere kids as they go to foreign countries, or maybe just a few states over. They comfort their families. They soften the hearts of those, so they can present them with a message that will change their lives. They also are led to those that are just searching and waiting. It is a miracle in itself.
Well, I was watching that movie, and having all of those feelings. When it came time for my family and I to go separate ways, I got that black hole feeling. When I talked to my mom, I said how I felt like I don't see them anymore. Ever. Of course, I saw her on Thursday. But she said," Sid! That is how it's supposed to be! You're going to grow up, and move on. You're only going to see us once a month." That broke my heart, because that is what is going to happen. It is already heading in that direction, full speed ahead. And though, I have my wonderful family, and my new amazing ward, my cousins, aunt, and my few friends, I am alone. This journey of life is now my own. This is MY chapter to do what I will. Until I meet that man who will steal my heart, and have children of my own. This time, is for me. I have my Heavenly Father, the Holy Ghost, and the Savior to guide me. These are my companions in life. Though my family is eternal, and life is eternal, it is time to move forward and gain knowledge, new friends, and ultimately, gain a family of my own. This journey is frightening, filled with decisions that impact our lives forever, but, it is also filled with love, support, guidance, family, and friends. Some are fleeting, and some stick with you until the end of time.
Though it has been a year, I have seen how much I have changed. Oh, I still behave like a thirteen year old on occasions, but I know that I am working on acting like adults do. Not just any adults, but those that wish to live in the hereafter with our Heavenly Father and families. I want that. I need it. I crave it. I can't wait to see where I am in the next year. Thank you, as always, to those that stick with me and my whiny blog posts, through the tears, and embarrassing stories. I love forming them into something that you can enjoy. You guys are the reason I do this. I love you!

So DAMN Selfish.

Greetings blog people. (Not my parent's because they don't read it.) Yes, that was snide, and underhanded and maybe a little rash. However, we are not on good terms at this moment. Nothing is sacred in this house. So, if you don't want it online, you better put that crap in writing. Anyways, getting straight to the POINT.
Let me just list off why I am selfish:
-I like peace and quiet. So, when that peace is disturbed, I get put on edge.
-I also like to watch TVD in the living room sometimes, just to come out of my trolley cave. So, when little sister and whoever her friend is this week come in and want to play, and I want to watch my show, I don't go quietly. Especially because they didn't even come in quietly.
-I like to keep my stuff to myself. I paid for it. Why can't I keep it in my own room?
Now. Let me tell you why this "selfish" title SHOULDN'T EVEN APPLY.
-Who bought the new snow shovel? And WHO IN THE HELL SHOVELS WHEN IT SNOWS?? OH YEAH. ME.
-Who (although begrudgingly) allows little sister to take movies from my huge-gantic collection? OH YEAH. ME.
-Who buys groceries to make dinner for the WHOLE ENTIRE FAMILY?? WITH THE MONEY THAT I WORK SOOOO HARD FOR? Not to mention I make next to nothing! OH YEAH. ME.
-Who cleans up the basement? Me.
-Who tries to rally the troops to clean up the bathroom? Me.
-Who takes her brother up to Springville in the mornings so he can get to work? Me.
-Who does the dishes the most? (Out of the children?) OH YEAH. ME.
Blog friends, I could go on with this all day. IF THE WORST THING I DO IS GET MAD WHEN THE PEACE IS DISTURBED, then I am doing a DAMN GOOD JOB.
Screw the fact that I try so hard to be helpful and kind. It doesn't mean A THING. I do what I can, with what I have. Sometimes, days are worse than others. Let's face it, PMS is a beezey. Others, I can a do a helluva lot around the house and get a, "oh, hey thanks." B.S.
So, when I get my selfish ass into a place of my own, someone else is going to have to pick up my slack in that department. They will probably be called selfish too.
I work hard. I work a LOT. So sue me if the two days I have off, I would like to spend in quiet?? I listen to bratty, snotty, spoiled children scream all the day long at work. I don't want to have to wear ear plugs in my sanctuary. Since I reside in the basement, as most trolls do, I listen to little sister gallop around like a freaking horse at 11pm. I go to work at 6! And if that doesn't sound like the house is going to fall over, I don't know what does! All I know is, I pay rent here. I should have some sort of say in how stinking loud it is. Especially at all hours of the night.
Then! I go to work all bent out of shape because I had to listen to that for 30 minutes, and then catch flack at work for that too! Is there a universal plot to break me into insanity?? Well, let me make it simple for you Universe. I AM ALMOST THERE. I can't say what I want to say around home because, HEY, it's rude! How dare I even think such things!?
Also, I know I am almost 22. I should be out on my own. Well hell. If I could be, I would. Nothing is cheap anymore. Nothing! I am not made of money. I cannot afford to go to school to build skills to make better money. I have very little options when it comes to that.
To get off my soapbox here, I just have to say. I know my parents have put up with a lot. I do know my siblings. I know their siblings and their parents. I know families fight. I have not built up a tolerance to hyperactive, prepubescent, shrieking children as they have. It is a learning curve. I understand that I was like that at one point. However, EVERYBODY in our house is over 17 except for her. Which is rough for her. I feel bad that she is growing up basically without siblings.
But! She insists that she is just as grown up as myself or the other siblings. She is honest to a fault. She is spoiled (because she is the baby), and she is selfish. (Like all children her age.) I understand that it is tough for her, tough for my parents, and tough for everybody living here. And there are plenty of us living here. Though, not everybody is willing to work on it. ( I am NOT in the mood to work on it today.) So, until everyone is, or everybody gets out, we are stuck.
Anyways, this was a shorter post today, but I think I've run out of steam for the moment. I hope you all are having a lovely Saturday.

All's Fair in Love and War.. and Target

Holy smokes.. Today was so crazy.. I haven't laughed so hard or been so nauseated in a very very long time. Let me tell you the story. It started with a comment I made yesterday. Yeah. This whole thing has been going on for 24 hours now! It has been a miserable 24 hours as well! We were marking clearance in ready to wear. Dee-stroyer (who actually loves her nickname) was complaining about a rack that was crooked or in her way. Something like that. Anyways. All of us were in a bad mood, and so we were throwing out snarky comments to each other all day. So, she looked at that rack and said, "You are bugging me!" I just threw this little comment over my shoulder, while laughing I might add. This little comment, this little nugget of words turned into what a favorite comedian calls a clusterf-bomb. What is that? Keep reading, and you'll find out.
My little nugget of words was," You're bugging me!" followed immediately by "Just kidding!" Nobody even heard it! So, I said," Shoot guys! You weren't even listening!" They asked me to repeat myself. I did. And the look on the Dee-stroyers face was priceless. If you've ever seen Pitch Perfect and have seen Amy's face when she tells her real name, that was the look on her face.
I was telling G-money that reference and she says," Are you calling her fat??" OH MAN. This spun out of control for a good 45 minutes. Them saying how I was mean, and me saying that I felt like I need a therapist after that conversation. Them saying how Dee-stroyer would need the therapist because I was so mean! Let me just tell you. This is how our team operates. Quick-witted and slightly mean comments that we just brush off because of our sense of humor.  Except maybe Kat-Kat because she is sweet as apple pie, that girl. Anyways, I figured that I would be safe today..That was so not the case.
We were in the break room. Yesterday's conversation got brought up, and the jabs continued. Then, they got worse. There is this really annoying chef on channel 13 that has man hands. They shake like crazy. She fumbles to pick up the food she has chopped up. It is really annoying to me for some reason. I made the comment," Gah! I hate her hands! She has man hands that can't stop shaking!"
There is another little joke the girls like to tease me about. It is my taste in boys. They seem to think Ian Somerholder is just too pretty. I love him. He is lovely. The thing is, I have a wide range of guys that I think are very attractive. Some are clean cut (pretty boys in the girls opinion) and some are like mountain men with crazy beards and flannel shirts. People always say you choose a guy who reminds you of your dad. I guess that is very true. My dad is a clean man. He knows how to get his hands dirty, but he also knows how to wash them. To make sure that he is cleaned up and presentable. That is the kind of guy I want. Not someone who is greasy and unkempt. Which sounds a little hypocritical since I really don't do a lot to get all ready for work. At least I shower. I brush my hair. Besides, I'm a fox. I gotta contain all of this foxy so I don't take all of the boys.
So, the girls are teasing me about pretty boys and how I have to have a man who has lady hands! (Ew!) I said to them how they are going to make it impossible for me to get a date because they are making me sound so awful! Well, I guess that wasn't true for one guy. This guy, I will call Amish. An endearment from my sister who saw his beard and said," Who is the Amish dude?" Let me be clear here. I don't like this boy. In fact, he seriously disturbs me. He says the most inappropriate things. Not that they are gross, but they are really just.. unneeded. All they do is make me angry because they are irritating. I will not get into that.
So, he is sitting at a table across from me when I made the comment about being alone because of my oh-so loving team. He throws his arms open wide and said," Hey! I'm available!" I shook my head and gave a flat out," No."
My team knows how I feel about him. G-money is beside me trying not to do a spit take. Kat Kat is looking at the table trying to to choke on her soup. And Dee-stroyer, she whips out this life saving sentence, " You don't have girly enough hands." Soooo embarrassing! I can't even handle it. They start talking about how I will need to wear a fudge mask to get a guy, and maybe someone will come lick it off. Like Amish.. AHHHH! And then there was another comment made about sucking on toes, which EWWWWWWWW! Amish decides to chime in again with this little gold mine," The big toes or the little toes?" OOOOOOOOMYYYYYYYY....WOW.
I really, almost threw up. He really tried to get me when we were talking about Les Miserables. No, no no no. NO. If this is the sort of person that I can get?? Is this all that I have to look forward to?? Oh if that is the case, I want to be single forever.
This little conversation gave me the willies. I literally started crying right there in the break room. It's the kind of crying you do when you laugh, until you realize when you're laughing is actually really sad, so you start crying too. Just wow. I have a feeling that this will plague me for years to come. All they way to my wedding day.
So! That is my story for today. I wish it had a happy ending. I guess it sort of does. We were all laughing so hard that we got our ab workout for the day. Once again! I love you guys, including my insane team. We are freaks, but we are the best freaks I know!