Panic! And the Anxiety

Hey guys.

So I felt impressed to write about this because it was something that I had no knowledge of previously. I thought I understood. But the truth is, no. I didn't. This is truly something that you don't understand until you're experiencing it. I also don't think that there are any words that can accurately express, but I thought I would give it a shot.
The first time I experienced true anxiety was 2 weeks ago. It was in the middle of my personal training session. I don't remember the second half of that session, except my trainer saying "Come on! Put some energy into it!" But there was no way I could put any energy into it, because it was going to my brain to overthink, like it usually does. But this was more intense. There was a twist in my stomach and my heart started pounding hard and fast.
The feeling didn't subside. It actually started intensifying. That wasn't something I had expected. I didn't think it could get worse, but it did. Breathing was hard. My heart and stomach were in a vise grip. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I just worried and worried and worried.
By the time I got home, I had a full fledged panic attack that night. I think. It's a blur now. All I could do was pace from my room to the bathroom and be basically hysterical. Bless my sister for trying to help me. She sent me a guided meditation that helps her when she has anxiety. I put my headphones in and tried to pay attention and do what the meditation was saying, but as I did that, my panic level grew. And grew. I ripped my headphones out of my ears and ran downstairs to her. I don't know what I was expecting her to do, but I went into Kindsey's room and told her I couldn't do it. I was breathing heavily, and was frantic. I had chest pains.
So I called my mom. She was able to talk me down enough that I was able to fall asleep that night.
This was the week of Thanksgiving, which was a REAL shame because Thanksgiving has my favorite food EVER. But as the anxiety built up, my apatite was decreasing. So was my intake of liquid of any kind. I was better when I was actively talking to people about interesting things. If it wasn't captivating enough, my mind would wander and I would start worrying again.
I do have a person in my life who is very important to me, and whenever they were around, the attacks would be less intense. So I wanted them with me all the time.
The following week arrived.
I had barely eaten more than half of one meal a day since before Thanksgiving day. I was getting shaky, which I actually mostly attribute to the panic attacks, but also had to do with the fact I was getting less than 1,000 calories in a day. Most days were around 300-400. In the time from Tuesday the previous week to Wednesday the following week, I dropped 6 pounds. That is too much, too fast.
My heart rate was consistently pounding. I would grab my friends' hands and work and put them on my chest so they could see what I was talking about.
I had been able to sleep pretty well during this, which is a shock and a blessing. Usually if I worry about something even a little bit, it manifests in my dreams and scares me to death. But I had no such experiences during this time.
I was slowly turning into a ghost. I stopped talking to all but one of my friends at work. I only spoke to co-workers if I had to. I mostly kept headphones in with some sort of YouTube videos playing constantly because they were a great distraction. (Make up tutorials.. They soothe my brain, and I'm completely shocked by that.)
By Thursday, I had a small break through. I was hungry for the fist time in over a week. I ate most of my meal, which was GREAT because earlier that day, I had tried to eat something, and the anxiety had my stomach so tight that about 3 bites into it, I threw it up.
I took the day off of work on Friday so that I could unwind. I thought I had reached the end of the anxiety trail.
When I woke up on Friday, I was still filled with nervous energy. I tried sitting and watching videos to tune my brain out, but it wasn't helping. I needed to move. I ended up going to Target with a friend. Just wandering around and looking at all the things as distraction.
I had one more, less severe attack yesterday. Where I started to panic again. I called my dad and talked to him. I decided that I needed a blessing to help me be strong enough to handle the stress. He gave me a great blessing. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to feel that peace right away. It did take about 30 minutes for it to arrive.
I spoke with my best friend James. She has been such a supportive friend through this. I have felt so bad because it was all I could talk about. It was all I could think about. But any time I needed to talk, she wouldn't push me away or say "stop worrying". She would let me talk out my fears and concerns. She'd help give me confidence, and help me focus on my faith instead of my fear.
That's the thing about anxiety. Anxiety doesn't care about logic. You can't reason with it. You have all of the facts. Things that are 100% true, but anxiety wants to make sure you think you way out of those facts. It also doesn't care about your well-being. I have never been one who thinks suicidal thoughts. But anxiety makes you BELIEVE that is your only option. That it's the only way to cope. It doesn't care that you have work to do. It doesn't care that friends need your help. It is ALL CONSUMING. It's not a feeling you can shut off. Worry is something you can shut off. But worry that is founded from anxiety is something you have to ride out. There are good moments, and there are bad moments. One of my friends said hers would have given up by now, while mine was still strongly rooted and fully functioning.
Last night, I had a breakthrough. I actually got a hold of my brain again. It was like waking up. I had been floating around, barely even living, and suddenly I was back in the drivers seat of my body. I was a little concerned that it might not last until today. But it did. I was hopeful. And still in control. Instead of sitting and stewing, I was able to brush the thoughts off as unproductive. I hadn't been able to do that. Even thought I had been CONSTANTLY telling myself that this entire time. "Why are you worrying? There isn't anything you can do! This is a waste of time and energy. You're making yourself sick." And guys. I really did think I was going crazy. I lost myself completely. It was a scary feeling. And I felt broken. Damaged. That I had damaged myself because I couldn't turn the worry off in my brain.
So to wake up today and have hope...to be in charge of my thoughts again.. was such a massive relief and joy. I've been able to stay positive all day today. With some of the worry sinking in now and again, but I have been able to brush it away. Food is still hard to eat. I haven't had much to eat in so long that my stomach doesn't know how to handle it. Sometimes it's fine. Other times I get really sick. That's currently my focus right now. I'm 8 lbs down in a week and half and attempting to stop that number from going down anymore. I didn't care about it before when I had no control, but now that I am myself again (for the most part) I am focusing on trying to get my body back into a healthy condition.
Anyways. I just wanted to put words to this. I thought I understood anxiety. I thought that I knew the ins and outs of the fear. But I was so, so wrong.
If you have anyone in your life that is suffering from anxiety or panic attacks, please keep this is mind. They don't WANT to be overcome with fear. But they are. They don't want to think about it ALL THE TIME. But they are. They don't want to have panic attacks that stress their loved ones out. BUT THEY ARE. Support them as best as you can. It will be hard. My poor family and friends have had to constantly support me for over two weeks. And it's draining. I could see it in faces, and hear it in voices. But talking out loud to someone who cares and won't judge you is such a massive help. And guess what. It probably is 6 times a day. But like I said before.. Anxiety makes you think suicide is your only option. If I didn't have the support system that I had, I don't know what would have happened in the middle of those attacks. I am so grateful and so blessed to have those people in my life. And if you know someone who suffers from this, try to be that person to them. It is priceless. Your effect could save their life.
As always, I love you guys. I hope you are all well. If you ever experience this, please feel free to reach out to me. I will gladly be your sounding board.

A Quick Catch-up and a Question

Guys. It's been a minute since I wrote anything. Maybe even two minutes. I've had a busy... really long time, I guess. If I'm being honest, I don't even remember the last thing I wrote about. I have been meaning to write because I've had at least one crazy date since the last time, and man.. that really deserves to be posted in my "Wall of Shame" gallery of terrible dates. I think I'll post one after this because this first part is more serious, and I don't want to end on a serious note. I want you laughing like I try to do every time.

Today, I've been in a really bad head space. The kind that makes you think about everything too much and then you start to feel really bad about every little thing in your life. I know I usually bare all in these blogs, but not this time. This it's something that's more personal than anything I've really posted before. I didn't realize that these were fears I possessed. I also would prefer that they weren't in existence. They are the ruiners of things. But, I wanted to write a little about it because I felt like I wouldn't be able to let it go otherwise. *Insert "Let It Go" from Frozen here.

Though I think most people will be able to identify with this, though I'm more interested in the ladies who have been in my shoes and I want to know.. Or even if you were maybe on the other side of this issue (like someone was questioning about you), I'd be very interested in hearing about that as well.

When you guys were finding your significant other, dating someone seriously, or even just had someone you liked a lot, did your insecurities become more pronounced? Not really physical insecurities (weight, how your hair looks, etc.) but the ones that you brain tells you at like.. 2 AM?

I haven't ever really worried about what I really meant to someone, or for what reasons they liked me. I just always assumed that anyone who went out with me just liked the physical aspects. Most of the dates I went on were just so that nobody could say anything about me not dating. I didn't care what they thought of me or what the really wanted because I was so uninterested. All I had to do was tough out a few awkward hours.

How did you keep a cool head? I want to be able to sit back and enjoy the experiences that life throw at me! I don't want to worry about heavy things. But, anyone who is an over-thinker knows that sometimes our brains run away without our permission. Silly brains.

Anyways!!! Enough with that! Let's get to the real reason I post on here! To tell you silly stories about terrible dates I've been on!

This one is one person, but 3 dates. Guys, I shouldn't have gone on the second one. That was such a mistake. Even the second one was a mistake, but it's happened and now I have to move on! It will be in my memory bank until I die. 

This was a date from.. Dun dun duuuuuuuun *that was suspenseful music* online. But he and I talked for about 2 weeks before I decided to go on a date with him. We decided on an ice cream date because it's quick and if it goes well, you can do another activity, or if it's terrible, you can leave right after 20 minutes. 

Here's a little fun fact for you. A lot of guys will use the hook of "active LDS" as a hook to get the girl, but really, they don't live that way. That was one of those situations. And I know, people make their choices and their mistakes. It makes more sense when the mistake is both of the people. Consensual. This though. This I think is one of the "hook" situations.

I was kind of excited for this date. We had good conversations. They were clean, and he didn't allude to wanting to make any moves besides just talking. So, I was feeling pretty good. 

We met in Provo and went to Rockwells. First impressions; he was a lot more handsome in person. And also a lot shorter. I think with my little heels on, he was a bit shorter than me. But it was fine. We went and got our ice cream and found a bench nearby to talk. We ended up talking for about 2 hours! It was going well, except he saw the girl he was just dating and that was awkward.

The date was going well, and it was a weekday, so I figured after two hours, we were good to go. Instead, he said "Let's go on a walk." I'm thinking, 'Yeah. Provo is a good place to go on a walk. Especially University Parkway.' So we started walking. We crossed the street over by Zion's Bank. I thought he was going to walk me over to my car. But no. He was walking me to his. I starting thinking 'Oh no. This is how I die.. I should run.. I should leave.' But I didn't. Like I said, he didn't ever bring anything up about kissing or things like that.

So, we got into his car. (I know. I shouldn't have done it. Mistakes were made.) He was looking for a park. We didn't find the park. We would up on the side of the mountain in a subdivision that is being developed. This was apparently a popular make out spot. There was one car that was already up there. This was also during July because you could see fireworks EVERYWHERE! It was awesome. 

Almost immediately, he leaned over and kissed me. I remember thinking that he was a pretty good kisser, until his hand drifted downward to my boob. Really, I don't mind that a lot, except that it's a first date. And maybe you should wait to do that later? He didn't. 

He leaned back and started insinuating that he wanted to move to the back seat. That shocked me enough to say "No.. I need to go home. It's late." And as I'm saying that, he's still kissing me. He said "No, you can't. Not yet." And I finally got enough guts to say "No. I'm really nervous right now. I need to go home." He asked why, and I had to relive the experience of my first kiss. (Which it had been.. 3ish years since then anyways, and I hadn't kissed anyone after that because it was really not my favorite moment.) How when I asked him to stop, he wouldn't. 

He said "OH." and then backed up immediately. At the time, I still thought I could like him, so I stayed facing him as he drove so that he could know that I didn't shut him down because I wasn't interested in him.

We talked for another 40 minutes and I went home.

Our second date, I kind of figured was going to be a "meet up and kiss a bit" type of thing. I was okay with that because, like I said. He was a good kisser. He texted me on a Sunday and asked if I wanted to hang out. I told him "Sorry, I'm cleaning." At the time, I wasn't though. I did immediately get up and start cleaning so that I wouldn't be a liar at least. He just kept saying "For an hour. Come on." So I gave in. I met him at a park by my parents house so that if I needed to run away, I would have somewhere to run to.

We met up and walked around for an hour. I could tell he wanted to get to the good stuff though because he kept saying "Should we keep going, or turn around?" I wanted to hold off a bit, and just kept saying "Let's keep going." So we did. 

When we finally got back to the parking lot, I was just going to go ahead and leave. And he said "You can't just go!" I said "Sure I can! I have stuff to do that you interrupted." But that didn't work. Instead I told him he had 15 minutes. He just opened his passenger side do. I got in the car and he immediately went for it. Not wasting any time!

We kissed for a couple of minutes before he said that the middle console was in the way. He said "Why are we up here?" I said in a kind of bitchy tone, "You opened the door. I got in. That's why we're here. You're responsible for this." He just said "True" as we moved to the back seat. Like I said. MISTAKES.

I really don't want to put too many gory details up here but basically my bra came unhooked and I was wondering if we were going to get arrested. At almost exactly 15 minutes, he stopped and said... "People." and I said.. "Yeah.. This is a public park."

We said a quick goodbye and I left.

At that point, I didn't want to see him again. Ever. He waited about 2 weeks before texting me and telling me he was coming over to my house. Now, he didn't know where I lived except that I was in Santaquin. So he said 'I need your address. I'm on my way.' I didn't want to give it to him. But he called. 

When I answered, I yelled, " JUST GO HOME! DON'T COME OVER!" Which still didn't work.

I caved eventually because he was in Spanish Fork.. I reiterate. MISTAKES.

He came over and I picked a movie that was super violent with zero romance, hoping to not get that mood going at all. It didn't work.

5 minutes into the movie, during a part where at least 20 people get stabbed with cutlery, he was using my back as a scratching post. UUUUUUUGH. I just figured. Let's get this over with. Maybe he'll leave. So we kissed for a few minutes. He was way too into it. 

Skimming over details that may be TMI, he stopped really abruptly, and then kind of waddled to the bathroom. You can fill in the gaps... *Gag*

I was hoping he'd leave after that kind of embarrassing moment, but he didn't. He was back to watching the movie after a few minutes. We did watch the movie for most of the rest. He did try to get something else started and he starting kissing me while I had my eyes on the show. He said "Oh.. You don't want to...?" And I said "I don't remember how this movie ends.. and I want to watch it.." Plus I was not keen on a repeat of the first round. 

We finished the movie and I walked him to the front door. I said "Drive safely." and shut the door. That was the last time I talked to him. Thank goodness.

Dating is a mess. All the time. If it's not some crazy, boring, or filthy guy, it's your brain trying to foul things up. 

I have been typing for what feels like a million years.. But I hope you enjoyed the stories! I'm sorry for cutting some of the details out, but you guys really don't want to know...  Really.

I love you all! And I hope I'm back again soon!