Today, I've been in a really bad head space. The kind that makes you think about everything too much and then you start to feel really bad about every little thing in your life. I know I usually bare all in these blogs, but not this time. This it's something that's more personal than anything I've really posted before. I didn't realize that these were fears I possessed. I also would prefer that they weren't in existence. They are the ruiners of things. But, I wanted to write a little about it because I felt like I wouldn't be able to let it go otherwise. *Insert "Let It Go" from Frozen here.
Though I think most people will be able to identify with this, though I'm more interested in the ladies who have been in my shoes and I want to know.. Or even if you were maybe on the other side of this issue (like someone was questioning about you), I'd be very interested in hearing about that as well.
When you guys were finding your significant other, dating someone seriously, or even just had someone you liked a lot, did your insecurities become more pronounced? Not really physical insecurities (weight, how your hair looks, etc.) but the ones that you brain tells you at like.. 2 AM?
I haven't ever really worried about what I really meant to someone, or for what reasons they liked me. I just always assumed that anyone who went out with me just liked the physical aspects. Most of the dates I went on were just so that nobody could say anything about me not dating. I didn't care what they thought of me or what the really wanted because I was so uninterested. All I had to do was tough out a few awkward hours.
How did you keep a cool head? I want to be able to sit back and enjoy the experiences that life throw at me! I don't want to worry about heavy things. But, anyone who is an over-thinker knows that sometimes our brains run away without our permission. Silly brains.
Anyways!!! Enough with that! Let's get to the real reason I post on here! To tell you silly stories about terrible dates I've been on!
This one is one person, but 3 dates. Guys, I shouldn't have gone on the second one. That was such a mistake. Even the second one was a mistake, but it's happened and now I have to move on! It will be in my memory bank until I die.
This was a date from.. Dun dun duuuuuuuun *that was suspenseful music* online. But he and I talked for about 2 weeks before I decided to go on a date with him. We decided on an ice cream date because it's quick and if it goes well, you can do another activity, or if it's terrible, you can leave right after 20 minutes.
Here's a little fun fact for you. A lot of guys will use the hook of "active LDS" as a hook to get the girl, but really, they don't live that way. That was one of those situations. And I know, people make their choices and their mistakes. It makes more sense when the mistake is both of the people. Consensual. This though. This I think is one of the "hook" situations.
I was kind of excited for this date. We had good conversations. They were clean, and he didn't allude to wanting to make any moves besides just talking. So, I was feeling pretty good.
We met in Provo and went to Rockwells. First impressions; he was a lot more handsome in person. And also a lot shorter. I think with my little heels on, he was a bit shorter than me. But it was fine. We went and got our ice cream and found a bench nearby to talk. We ended up talking for about 2 hours! It was going well, except he saw the girl he was just dating and that was awkward.
The date was going well, and it was a weekday, so I figured after two hours, we were good to go. Instead, he said "Let's go on a walk." I'm thinking, 'Yeah. Provo is a good place to go on a walk. Especially University Parkway.' So we started walking. We crossed the street over by Zion's Bank. I thought he was going to walk me over to my car. But no. He was walking me to his. I starting thinking 'Oh no. This is how I die.. I should run.. I should leave.' But I didn't. Like I said, he didn't ever bring anything up about kissing or things like that.
So, we got into his car. (I know. I shouldn't have done it. Mistakes were made.) He was looking for a park. We didn't find the park. We would up on the side of the mountain in a subdivision that is being developed. This was apparently a popular make out spot. There was one car that was already up there. This was also during July because you could see fireworks EVERYWHERE! It was awesome.
Almost immediately, he leaned over and kissed me. I remember thinking that he was a pretty good kisser, until his hand drifted downward to my boob. Really, I don't mind that a lot, except that it's a first date. And maybe you should wait to do that later? He didn't.
He leaned back and started insinuating that he wanted to move to the back seat. That shocked me enough to say "No.. I need to go home. It's late." And as I'm saying that, he's still kissing me. He said "No, you can't. Not yet." And I finally got enough guts to say "No. I'm really nervous right now. I need to go home." He asked why, and I had to relive the experience of my first kiss. (Which it had been.. 3ish years since then anyways, and I hadn't kissed anyone after that because it was really not my favorite moment.) How when I asked him to stop, he wouldn't.
He said "OH." and then backed up immediately. At the time, I still thought I could like him, so I stayed facing him as he drove so that he could know that I didn't shut him down because I wasn't interested in him.
We talked for another 40 minutes and I went home.
Our second date, I kind of figured was going to be a "meet up and kiss a bit" type of thing. I was okay with that because, like I said. He was a good kisser. He texted me on a Sunday and asked if I wanted to hang out. I told him "Sorry, I'm cleaning." At the time, I wasn't though. I did immediately get up and start cleaning so that I wouldn't be a liar at least. He just kept saying "For an hour. Come on." So I gave in. I met him at a park by my parents house so that if I needed to run away, I would have somewhere to run to.
We met up and walked around for an hour. I could tell he wanted to get to the good stuff though because he kept saying "Should we keep going, or turn around?" I wanted to hold off a bit, and just kept saying "Let's keep going." So we did.
When we finally got back to the parking lot, I was just going to go ahead and leave. And he said "You can't just go!" I said "Sure I can! I have stuff to do that you interrupted." But that didn't work. Instead I told him he had 15 minutes. He just opened his passenger side do. I got in the car and he immediately went for it. Not wasting any time!
We kissed for a couple of minutes before he said that the middle console was in the way. He said "Why are we up here?" I said in a kind of bitchy tone, "You opened the door. I got in. That's why we're here. You're responsible for this." He just said "True" as we moved to the back seat. Like I said. MISTAKES.
I really don't want to put too many gory details up here but basically my bra came unhooked and I was wondering if we were going to get arrested. At almost exactly 15 minutes, he stopped and said... "People." and I said.. "Yeah.. This is a public park."
We said a quick goodbye and I left.
At that point, I didn't want to see him again. Ever. He waited about 2 weeks before texting me and telling me he was coming over to my house. Now, he didn't know where I lived except that I was in Santaquin. So he said 'I need your address. I'm on my way.' I didn't want to give it to him. But he called.
When I answered, I yelled, " JUST GO HOME! DON'T COME OVER!" Which still didn't work.
I caved eventually because he was in Spanish Fork.. I reiterate. MISTAKES.
He came over and I picked a movie that was super violent with zero romance, hoping to not get that mood going at all. It didn't work.
5 minutes into the movie, during a part where at least 20 people get stabbed with cutlery, he was using my back as a scratching post. UUUUUUUGH. I just figured. Let's get this over with. Maybe he'll leave. So we kissed for a few minutes. He was way too into it.
Skimming over details that may be TMI, he stopped really abruptly, and then kind of waddled to the bathroom. You can fill in the gaps... *Gag*
I was hoping he'd leave after that kind of embarrassing moment, but he didn't. He was back to watching the movie after a few minutes. We did watch the movie for most of the rest. He did try to get something else started and he starting kissing me while I had my eyes on the show. He said "Oh.. You don't want to...?" And I said "I don't remember how this movie ends.. and I want to watch it.." Plus I was not keen on a repeat of the first round.
We finished the movie and I walked him to the front door. I said "Drive safely." and shut the door. That was the last time I talked to him. Thank goodness.
Dating is a mess. All the time. If it's not some crazy, boring, or filthy guy, it's your brain trying to foul things up.
I have been typing for what feels like a million years.. But I hope you enjoyed the stories! I'm sorry for cutting some of the details out, but you guys really don't want to know... Really.
I love you all! And I hope I'm back again soon!
