Hey guys.
So I felt impressed to write about this because it was something that I had no knowledge of previously. I thought I understood. But the truth is, no. I didn't. This is truly something that you don't understand until you're experiencing it. I also don't think that there are any words that can accurately express, but I thought I would give it a shot.
The first time I experienced true anxiety was 2 weeks ago. It was in the middle of my personal training session. I don't remember the second half of that session, except my trainer saying "Come on! Put some energy into it!" But there was no way I could put any energy into it, because it was going to my brain to overthink, like it usually does. But this was more intense. There was a twist in my stomach and my heart started pounding hard and fast.
The feeling didn't subside. It actually started intensifying. That wasn't something I had expected. I didn't think it could get worse, but it did. Breathing was hard. My heart and stomach were in a vise grip. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I just worried and worried and worried.
By the time I got home, I had a full fledged panic attack that night. I think. It's a blur now. All I could do was pace from my room to the bathroom and be basically hysterical. Bless my sister for trying to help me. She sent me a guided meditation that helps her when she has anxiety. I put my headphones in and tried to pay attention and do what the meditation was saying, but as I did that, my panic level grew. And grew. I ripped my headphones out of my ears and ran downstairs to her. I don't know what I was expecting her to do, but I went into Kindsey's room and told her I couldn't do it. I was breathing heavily, and was frantic. I had chest pains.
So I called my mom. She was able to talk me down enough that I was able to fall asleep that night.
This was the week of Thanksgiving, which was a REAL shame because Thanksgiving has my favorite food EVER. But as the anxiety built up, my apatite was decreasing. So was my intake of liquid of any kind. I was better when I was actively talking to people about interesting things. If it wasn't captivating enough, my mind would wander and I would start worrying again.
I do have a person in my life who is very important to me, and whenever they were around, the attacks would be less intense. So I wanted them with me all the time.
The following week arrived.
I had barely eaten more than half of one meal a day since before Thanksgiving day. I was getting shaky, which I actually mostly attribute to the panic attacks, but also had to do with the fact I was getting less than 1,000 calories in a day. Most days were around 300-400. In the time from Tuesday the previous week to Wednesday the following week, I dropped 6 pounds. That is too much, too fast.
My heart rate was consistently pounding. I would grab my friends' hands and work and put them on my chest so they could see what I was talking about.
I had been able to sleep pretty well during this, which is a shock and a blessing. Usually if I worry about something even a little bit, it manifests in my dreams and scares me to death. But I had no such experiences during this time.
I was slowly turning into a ghost. I stopped talking to all but one of my friends at work. I only spoke to co-workers if I had to. I mostly kept headphones in with some sort of YouTube videos playing constantly because they were a great distraction. (Make up tutorials.. They soothe my brain, and I'm completely shocked by that.)
By Thursday, I had a small break through. I was hungry for the fist time in over a week. I ate most of my meal, which was GREAT because earlier that day, I had tried to eat something, and the anxiety had my stomach so tight that about 3 bites into it, I threw it up.
I took the day off of work on Friday so that I could unwind. I thought I had reached the end of the anxiety trail.
When I woke up on Friday, I was still filled with nervous energy. I tried sitting and watching videos to tune my brain out, but it wasn't helping. I needed to move. I ended up going to Target with a friend. Just wandering around and looking at all the things as distraction.
I had one more, less severe attack yesterday. Where I started to panic again. I called my dad and talked to him. I decided that I needed a blessing to help me be strong enough to handle the stress. He gave me a great blessing. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to feel that peace right away. It did take about 30 minutes for it to arrive.
I spoke with my best friend James. She has been such a supportive friend through this. I have felt so bad because it was all I could talk about. It was all I could think about. But any time I needed to talk, she wouldn't push me away or say "stop worrying". She would let me talk out my fears and concerns. She'd help give me confidence, and help me focus on my faith instead of my fear.
That's the thing about anxiety. Anxiety doesn't care about logic. You can't reason with it. You have all of the facts. Things that are 100% true, but anxiety wants to make sure you think you way out of those facts. It also doesn't care about your well-being. I have never been one who thinks suicidal thoughts. But anxiety makes you BELIEVE that is your only option. That it's the only way to cope. It doesn't care that you have work to do. It doesn't care that friends need your help. It is ALL CONSUMING. It's not a feeling you can shut off. Worry is something you can shut off. But worry that is founded from anxiety is something you have to ride out. There are good moments, and there are bad moments. One of my friends said hers would have given up by now, while mine was still strongly rooted and fully functioning.
Last night, I had a breakthrough. I actually got a hold of my brain again. It was like waking up. I had been floating around, barely even living, and suddenly I was back in the drivers seat of my body. I was a little concerned that it might not last until today. But it did. I was hopeful. And still in control. Instead of sitting and stewing, I was able to brush the thoughts off as unproductive. I hadn't been able to do that. Even thought I had been CONSTANTLY telling myself that this entire time. "Why are you worrying? There isn't anything you can do! This is a waste of time and energy. You're making yourself sick." And guys. I really did think I was going crazy. I lost myself completely. It was a scary feeling. And I felt broken. Damaged. That I had damaged myself because I couldn't turn the worry off in my brain.
So to wake up today and have hope...to be in charge of my thoughts again.. was such a massive relief and joy. I've been able to stay positive all day today. With some of the worry sinking in now and again, but I have been able to brush it away. Food is still hard to eat. I haven't had much to eat in so long that my stomach doesn't know how to handle it. Sometimes it's fine. Other times I get really sick. That's currently my focus right now. I'm 8 lbs down in a week and half and attempting to stop that number from going down anymore. I didn't care about it before when I had no control, but now that I am myself again (for the most part) I am focusing on trying to get my body back into a healthy condition.
Anyways. I just wanted to put words to this. I thought I understood anxiety. I thought that I knew the ins and outs of the fear. But I was so, so wrong.
If you have anyone in your life that is suffering from anxiety or panic attacks, please keep this is mind. They don't WANT to be overcome with fear. But they are. They don't want to think about it ALL THE TIME. But they are. They don't want to have panic attacks that stress their loved ones out. BUT THEY ARE. Support them as best as you can. It will be hard. My poor family and friends have had to constantly support me for over two weeks. And it's draining. I could see it in faces, and hear it in voices. But talking out loud to someone who cares and won't judge you is such a massive help. And guess what. It probably is 6 times a day. But like I said before.. Anxiety makes you think suicide is your only option. If I didn't have the support system that I had, I don't know what would have happened in the middle of those attacks. I am so grateful and so blessed to have those people in my life. And if you know someone who suffers from this, try to be that person to them. It is priceless. Your effect could save their life.
As always, I love you guys. I hope you are all well. If you ever experience this, please feel free to reach out to me. I will gladly be your sounding board.
