Those Darn Habits!

Tonight, I have been thinking about habits. Now, there are three kinds of habits. I just can't WAIT to list them off to you! First, you have the habits that others think are endearing. For example, you tilt your head and look at the ceiling when you think, or squint at things you find strange. Then, there are the habits that everyone else wants to kill you for. Popping gum extremely loudly, or perhaps a temper?? (The Six Merry Murderesses anyone??) Now for the third kind of habit: the ones that only you notice that drive you ABSOLUTELY CRAZY and you can't seem to stop yourself! Old habits die hard, huh? 

Because I brought this topic up, I will share with you my habits that I hate that I have. Honestly, if they had chewing gum or a patch to cure them, I would have overdosed on them a long time ago. For one, I seem to have these moments where I can't control my brain or mouth, so I say a lot of stupid things I probably shouldn't. I haven't been much a television person for.. gosh, years. Until I moved to Spanish Fork and didn't have any friends. I also have a habit of rage. It is almost like blind rage, it seems. But, with that rage comes a distinct ability to forgive whoever is on the other end of my rant. My last one that I would like to bring up, is how I can't seem to retrain my brain into doing what it should. 

These habits can be brought on by situations, or people even. I know that when my old friends come back into my life, I revert to old habits. Think How I Met Your Mother and the term "revertigo". That explains it perfectly. But, it gets so frustrating!! I have tried so hard to pattern my life in a different way than I was living a few years ago. I have wanted to make a change and be different, and want different things, make new friends, and date new people. But! Things happen, and suddenly I am 15 again and wondering if my hair looks alright! Even when I was in high school, there was a very very minimal amount of time where I actually cared how I looked, and what people even though of me. During those times, I was different people. The snotty teen for one group, the caring one for another, and the broody artist for another. And, I am not gonna lie, when people touch my things, I turn into a toddler.

I have been so sick of not knowing who I am or what I want from life, that I have been on a mission of sorts. Soul searching for things that I actually like, and not things I like because my friends like them. I want to be my own person so badly. I don't want to be defined by any one person, and I hate that certain people still have some sort of influence over me. I don't want to revert to my old ways and be that selfish 15 year old. I am 22 for goodness sake! 

No boy will be able to control my life. I mean, when I get married and have a husband, you better believe I will do everything in my power to make him happy. However, I am not going to pattern my life to impress someone. I have tried to live in a way very much like "what you see is what you get". Even when I wear make up. How awful would it be that I can't even let my boyfriend see me without make up because I put so much on, I am unrecognizable. My personality cannot fracture like this either. I won't have it. 

People seem to get their life in order when they least expect it. I have been trying to put my life in order, and it seems to fall into chaos. I guess that is what happens when you try to control the uncontrollable. That, or you go crazy. 

Anyways. I think I ran out of steam tonight. As per usual, I love you guys who spend the minutes it takes (depending on how quickly you read ;) ) to bask in the angst that is my life at the time being. It really does mean a lot to me. ALSO! Special shout out to a lady who made me cry big fat tears last night for doing something so unbelievably sweet, my small, cold heart couldn't hold it in. Thank you so much. I love you and am so grateful for your support. You are so sweet and I hope life is good to you, because you deserve it. I love you all though! Sleep tight!

Cracked.

I have lost my damn mind. Lost it. Poof. Just blew out the window like cheap drapes. What is the problem? I have screwed my life up. And by this? I mean that I have changed it so drastically, I don't recognize it anymore. This isn't the life of Sidney Vale Gerber anymore. I don't know who's I'm living in anymore. It seems like a recreation of Day of Our Lives but set in Utah.. and, there is a lot less sex. None to be exact. No passion. No romance. Nothing. Just blah. This is why everything seems fractured and incomplete. Not because there isn't sex in my life. I can handle that, I promise. It has everything to do with what life I am living. This life has nothing familiar in it. It has no friends, it has no fun, it has no time for anything but working and working some more. This life spends all day at a desk getting yelled at and called a liar by random people in Florida who don't know how to speak proper English. This life wants to run, and play. To eat ice cream and not get fat. Instead, it consists of homemade lunches of peanut butter sandwiches.
At this point, this life is miserable. Not that it doesn't have it's bright spots. It does. They are just outweighed by dark. Dark is the absence of light. There isn't light in a lot of the things going on. This life is full of moments of panic and constant stress. It is taking a toll on my health. I just miss my friends. I miss being on my feet all day, running around, and looking forward to the rare moments we can actually sit. Now, I am looking for reasons to be on my feet. I am going to get squash butt sitting in a chair all day. I would like to avoid that.
This new life doesn't get to see family. Immediate family anyways. This life lives with her awesome cousins and aunt. Which is also good in it's own ways. Family is important. This person thinks she has patience, but when it is tested, she fails.
This person swore probably 40 times in the 4 miles she drove home from the auto shop because they failed her car on emissions. She abused her car via hitting the steering wheel. This poor car doesn't stand a chance. This girl looked at the looming clouds and asked her Heavenly Father why He keeps screwing with her. If He is going to make her be alone or send her on dates that make her want to be alone forever, why can't He make her car pass emissions?? Why is it that he good suffer and the wicked thrive? She asks Him why, when she tries so hard to live the right way, the things she needs to move on with life successfully, can't come to pass?
She is selfish. She is surrounded by drama she doesn't need. She forgets all of the things she has to be grateful for. She is not me. But now, she is. I hate being this way. We are creatures of our environment. We pick up habits and traits which can either be great, or can ruin us. We are weak, frail, and we can try to change, but it is more likely we will fail. That doesn't mean we shouldn't keep fighting.
One thing I have been struggling with this last weekend is faith. I am willing to set my own mind aside and say, Please, Lord, take my life in your hands and help me accept it. Or even the whole "Ask and ye shall receive" thing. Maybe I am not asking right. Maybe, I am knocking on walls instead of doors. Or maybe this is all I deserve. Maybe I am not supposed to have things go right for me because I am wicked and a child of Hell. Who knows. I don't. What I do know, is I feel miserable. Where is that easy joy I used to find? It was so much like that of a young child. I could find joy in a flock of birds, or a pretty weed. Now? I can't find that joy anywhere. That hope? Gone. That child-like faith? Gone.
I know, I know. This is not the right way to be living. Not the right mindset. But who's to say?? Those people that have it so easy always play the victim. Those who are killing or raping or worse, are living peaceful lives among the rest of us. How is that fair?? It isn't.
It would be too easy to slide down that slippery slope The things that are so bad for us? They are ready and waiting for our consumption with such easy access. It is all too easy. And yet.. for those of us that feel guilt and remorse? It isn't easy enough.