Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Cracked.

I have lost my damn mind. Lost it. Poof. Just blew out the window like cheap drapes. What is the problem? I have screwed my life up. And by this? I mean that I have changed it so drastically, I don't recognize it anymore. This isn't the life of Sidney Vale Gerber anymore. I don't know who's I'm living in anymore. It seems like a recreation of Day of Our Lives but set in Utah.. and, there is a lot less sex. None to be exact. No passion. No romance. Nothing. Just blah. This is why everything seems fractured and incomplete. Not because there isn't sex in my life. I can handle that, I promise. It has everything to do with what life I am living. This life has nothing familiar in it. It has no friends, it has no fun, it has no time for anything but working and working some more. This life spends all day at a desk getting yelled at and called a liar by random people in Florida who don't know how to speak proper English. This life wants to run, and play. To eat ice cream and not get fat. Instead, it consists of homemade lunches of peanut butter sandwiches.
At this point, this life is miserable. Not that it doesn't have it's bright spots. It does. They are just outweighed by dark. Dark is the absence of light. There isn't light in a lot of the things going on. This life is full of moments of panic and constant stress. It is taking a toll on my health. I just miss my friends. I miss being on my feet all day, running around, and looking forward to the rare moments we can actually sit. Now, I am looking for reasons to be on my feet. I am going to get squash butt sitting in a chair all day. I would like to avoid that.
This new life doesn't get to see family. Immediate family anyways. This life lives with her awesome cousins and aunt. Which is also good in it's own ways. Family is important. This person thinks she has patience, but when it is tested, she fails.
This person swore probably 40 times in the 4 miles she drove home from the auto shop because they failed her car on emissions. She abused her car via hitting the steering wheel. This poor car doesn't stand a chance. This girl looked at the looming clouds and asked her Heavenly Father why He keeps screwing with her. If He is going to make her be alone or send her on dates that make her want to be alone forever, why can't He make her car pass emissions?? Why is it that he good suffer and the wicked thrive? She asks Him why, when she tries so hard to live the right way, the things she needs to move on with life successfully, can't come to pass?
She is selfish. She is surrounded by drama she doesn't need. She forgets all of the things she has to be grateful for. She is not me. But now, she is. I hate being this way. We are creatures of our environment. We pick up habits and traits which can either be great, or can ruin us. We are weak, frail, and we can try to change, but it is more likely we will fail. That doesn't mean we shouldn't keep fighting.
One thing I have been struggling with this last weekend is faith. I am willing to set my own mind aside and say, Please, Lord, take my life in your hands and help me accept it. Or even the whole "Ask and ye shall receive" thing. Maybe I am not asking right. Maybe, I am knocking on walls instead of doors. Or maybe this is all I deserve. Maybe I am not supposed to have things go right for me because I am wicked and a child of Hell. Who knows. I don't. What I do know, is I feel miserable. Where is that easy joy I used to find? It was so much like that of a young child. I could find joy in a flock of birds, or a pretty weed. Now? I can't find that joy anywhere. That hope? Gone. That child-like faith? Gone.
I know, I know. This is not the right way to be living. Not the right mindset. But who's to say?? Those people that have it so easy always play the victim. Those who are killing or raping or worse, are living peaceful lives among the rest of us. How is that fair?? It isn't.
It would be too easy to slide down that slippery slope The things that are so bad for us? They are ready and waiting for our consumption with such easy access. It is all too easy. And yet.. for those of us that feel guilt and remorse? It isn't easy enough.


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