Because I brought this topic up, I will share with you my habits that I hate that I have. Honestly, if they had chewing gum or a patch to cure them, I would have overdosed on them a long time ago. For one, I seem to have these moments where I can't control my brain or mouth, so I say a lot of stupid things I probably shouldn't. I haven't been much a television person for.. gosh, years. Until I moved to Spanish Fork and didn't have any friends. I also have a habit of rage. It is almost like blind rage, it seems. But, with that rage comes a distinct ability to forgive whoever is on the other end of my rant. My last one that I would like to bring up, is how I can't seem to retrain my brain into doing what it should.
These habits can be brought on by situations, or people even. I know that when my old friends come back into my life, I revert to old habits. Think How I Met Your Mother and the term "revertigo". That explains it perfectly. But, it gets so frustrating!! I have tried so hard to pattern my life in a different way than I was living a few years ago. I have wanted to make a change and be different, and want different things, make new friends, and date new people. But! Things happen, and suddenly I am 15 again and wondering if my hair looks alright! Even when I was in high school, there was a very very minimal amount of time where I actually cared how I looked, and what people even though of me. During those times, I was different people. The snotty teen for one group, the caring one for another, and the broody artist for another. And, I am not gonna lie, when people touch my things, I turn into a toddler.
I have been so sick of not knowing who I am or what I want from life, that I have been on a mission of sorts. Soul searching for things that I actually like, and not things I like because my friends like them. I want to be my own person so badly. I don't want to be defined by any one person, and I hate that certain people still have some sort of influence over me. I don't want to revert to my old ways and be that selfish 15 year old. I am 22 for goodness sake!
No boy will be able to control my life. I mean, when I get married and have a husband, you better believe I will do everything in my power to make him happy. However, I am not going to pattern my life to impress someone. I have tried to live in a way very much like "what you see is what you get". Even when I wear make up. How awful would it be that I can't even let my boyfriend see me without make up because I put so much on, I am unrecognizable. My personality cannot fracture like this either. I won't have it.
People seem to get their life in order when they least expect it. I have been trying to put my life in order, and it seems to fall into chaos. I guess that is what happens when you try to control the uncontrollable. That, or you go crazy.
Anyways. I think I ran out of steam tonight. As per usual, I love you guys who spend the minutes it takes (depending on how quickly you read ;) ) to bask in the angst that is my life at the time being. It really does mean a lot to me. ALSO! Special shout out to a lady who made me cry big fat tears last night for doing something so unbelievably sweet, my small, cold heart couldn't hold it in. Thank you so much. I love you and am so grateful for your support. You are so sweet and I hope life is good to you, because you deserve it. I love you all though! Sleep tight!
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