Reasons and Change

I have been catching a LOT of flack lately for my last post. It is time to explain. First off, to you who disagree with me keeping my letters of a lost love, you are wrong. If you are surprised that I still have them, then you don't know me at all. To my sister, who is the ONLY person who has made me feel like I am not nuts, I love you. There is a reason we came down from heaven together. You know how I am, you function the same way, and we shared a womb. You have no excuse to not know how my brain works. So, I think you're wonderful.
To those who are super incorrect, I get to try to help you understand the way I work. Above all, do I have a boyfriend or husband that might be put off by them? NO. I am a single lady (all the single ladies!) who can do whatever I please with my past. And now, a little insight for you. I, am a collector of scraps. Do you know what this is? Sentimental crap. S-crap. You see?? Ha-HA-ha. I have such ridiculous random things. I have papers I wrote in 7th grade. I have a script that I read once for drama in 10th grade because I got to read it with the boy I liked. I have letters from missionaries. Not just him. I wrote a random man while he was on his mission when I was 15 or so. I have that letter. I can't even read his name.
Secondly. I love stories. I love sad stories, especially. Les Mis is one of my favorite stories in the world, and that really doesn't end well for anyone. I love my books, which I collect religiously. If I buy a book that comes with a removable cover, and I lose that cover?? I buy a whole new book. Yes, this is a sign of an issue, I think.
I also love paper, and I love writing. I love getting a new note book with fresh pages and filling them up with words and scribbles. If I could put this blog on paper and post it with as much ease as done with technology, I would do it. I have tons of notebooks. Just tons! And I brought them all with me when I moved! Once again, I know. This is a problem.
I also love my friends. Even my friends who have left me, or have not been great friends. Friends that I don't talk to them anymore, I LOVE THEM FIERCELY. They are all equally important to me. If I haven't spoken to you in years, it's good. One day, we will catch up. However, as soon a friend who is so close to me, lets me down, the devastation sets in. I am too easy to forgive. It's like that saying, Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Only, I have been fooled probably close to a hundred times. If you just remember my existence, all the bad blood is gone. Just vanished out of nowhere. It needs to stop. I am 22 years old and I ain't got time fo dat. My life is taking some unexpected turns, and they are hard to deal with. I do NOT need to catch crap from the people that I love with all of my heart. From this point on, I am finished. If I have done nothing to offend you like uh.. I call you a beezy and slap you in the face, then you have no reason to ignore me, or talk smack about me behind my back. Or judge me. Which is where I will get back on track.
I talked to 4 of the people I trust the most. These people have been with me for most of my life. Thick as thieves. But, out of those 4 people, one helped me. And guess what? It is my sister. Of course.
If you don't understand by now why I refuse to get rid of my litters, then you my just exit this page and go stage left because we are obviously not as good of friends as I thought. Or, you can accept that I collect things that I probably shouldn't. That I care deeply and fully. Throw myself into something entirely and get swallowed whole. Things in my life consume me whole. My relationships with my friends and family, my emotions, my worries. They all get the better of me.
These last few years, I have been a hard and bitter person. I am not going to lie and say that I have changed overnight. I haven't. But, that night I posted my last blog, a sweet woman who I used to be AWFUL to when I was in Young Women's said something to me. I won't share what it was, but a knot in my chest popped. I was shocked. I knew I had been carrying around the negative emotions from the past, but guess what? That pop, was the sweetest relief. I didn't realize that I would be able to feel the physically release in such real way. I thought, oh maybe my shoulders will not droop as much, and maybe my heart will feel lighter. But not, it was a pop. The pop that changed me.
After that, I read a letter, and I didn't cry. Not a single tear. I was so surprised. Those letters, no matter how innocent some were, ALWAYS brought tears to my eyes. But not this time. I read three, and all it felt like was a tender memory of a younger me. I still feel a twinge of regret about how things ended, but I can say fully that it wasn't my fault. I can also say now, that I have overcome it and come out the other end stronger and better prepared for the world.
I don't think living with a childlike outlook on life is bad. It is wonderful. But it is only realistic for a short amount of time. You can't be young forever. I mean, you can, but you have to be smart. Not naive. Which is why I am no longer going to be wasting my time with people who don't love me the way that I love them.
I don't have enough energy to sustain friendships all by myself. You can't be surprised if when you actually need me or want me, and I am not there. Because too many of my friends have let me down when I needed them. I will not be "that friend". I am NOT here for your convenience. I am here to live life with you. To share your bumps and bruises. Your tears and happiness. Your triumphs and your failures. I am here to laugh at you when you fall on your face while we skate. I am your friend.
I am not as strong as I hope I am. I want to be able to be able to brush my shoulders off and say no big deal to things. But, I feel them deeply, and they bring me down more than you know. I don't need people like that in my life. Nobody does. The Lord never intended us to make each other feel so awful. We are supposed to support and love each other regardless. I feel like I have done that. I have forgiven those who have trespassed against me seventy times seven. Now, it's not just time to forgive and forget the wrongs, it's time to forget.
I will hold tight the memories that we had together, but I will no longer try to create new ones. We won't be those kinds of people. I am not built that way. I have love enough to end a war, but I entrust it in the wrong people. So, instead, I will save it for myself to build a better me. Because I am worth it, yo!
As always, to those who read this, you are my true and real friends. No matter how many times I moan and groan about the disasters that unfold in my life, you are all there for me. I appreciate that more than you can guess! You are made of awesome, and I love you!