The Young and Naive

Hey blog people! Sorry for my extended LOA. I have had some spotty internet and I really had a lot on my mind as well. As always, I will share with you what I have been thinking about.
As you all know, I have recently started a new job. I mean, it isn't super recent, but it is recent enough. My 90 day trial period is almost up and so I have been a little tense as far as work is concerned. I really would like to keep this job, you know? Why?? A) It's not a bad place to work. B) I did just sign my money away on the dotted line to live in a pretty sweet house all by myself.. with 3 other girls! It's been a blast! I love it! Do you know how many freezer waffles I have been able to eat??? Me either because I lost count! Either way! I think that it has been good. I like going up to my room and having it be quiet.. and I like going to the kitchen and using my own dishes, having my own food in the pantry and fridge, and I looooove just the idea of being by myself. Not that I want to be alone forever, because I definitely don't. Just when I am home, I love having my own space that no one else intrudes in. I miss my family like crazy, so don't get me wrong. Half the time I would like to just burst into tears and drive back to their house after quitting my job and become the troll in the basement once again. (My mom gets sooo mad when I refer to myself as a troll. It really cracks me up!) But, it is time to grow up, you know? I am old enough to do this, and yet, I still feel too young to be in this situation.
I don't like being stressed about money. Not that money is super tight, but I try to make sure I always have at least next months rent ready and waiting so that I can at least have that covered. The whole money situation is just really overwhelming anyway! Without worrying about rent. Honestly, buying food is usually last on my list. When  I am planning, it is in the priority of 1. Rent. 2. Gas. 3. Utilities. 4. Phone Bill. 5. Food.
I have really been wanting to get an itunes gift card and amazon gift card, presents for a few people, and a few other frivolous things. They are not as important as a roof over my head though!
Anyways. There have been a few things lately that have been weighing on my mind. I don't know exactly how to deal with these things. Well, one of them I dealt with. But it doesn't seem that it is going to be off of my mind for a while. It has me on edge and little restless. It made me so nervous today, I thought I was going to lose my.. well.. I didn't eat breakfast this morning which was probably a blessing in disguise.I am really really sorry. This is going to be pretty vague this time. I know, I know. I don't usually have an issue sharing all of the details of my life. However, this is fresh and is really not something I can joke about just yet.
There has been some instances at my new place of work that I had to confront today. It was the absolute LAST thing I wanted to do. Honestly, I just wanted to brush it off of my shoulders and let it roll. However, I was getting concerned that this could possibly escalate. Here is the other issue. I was really really worried that what was happening was totally in my head. After an instance of what something happening this last weekend was the push that I needed to take a step.
As I was getting the majority of what happened off of my chest to the appropriate parties, I was asked a question. "Has this happened before? Before you started here." I had to think about this briefly. Why would i have to think about this?? Let me tell you. This is something that I should have come forward about a very long time ago. But, being 17 years old, never been kissed, and hadn't been in an actual relationship, besides stupid missionary that ruined me. Even that was just a wisp of a relationship. My point is, at that age, I didn't think this was really and issue. I was flattered, honestly. In usual circumstances, I would have been okay to be flattered. However, in this instance, I am sure I was mistaken. Now that I am older.
At one of my previous jobs, I had captured the attention of one of my managers. He was older than be by about 6 years or 7 years. Not that he was handsome by usual standards. But, there was something intriguing about him. Plus, he liked ME. Chubby little 17 year old Sidney. Not to mention he was a bad boy. By this, I mean he smoked, drank, and a variety of other things that I won't share.
As time when on, he and I grew a little closer.. then a lot closer. He used to call me. Mostly when he was intoxicated. Other times, he would call me when he was getting off of work and driving home. He would ask me to sneak out. He would say he would come to me, just to open my window and he'd meet me. Honestly, it is a VERY lucky thing at this point that I was a coward. He would always say," When you're 18, I am going to come and give you your first kiss." He really know how to be sweet. Not that what I quoted right then was sweet, but he totally had me swept off my feet. Back then, the only issue was that I was a minor. Thinking back, there was a LOT more wrong with that situation that I even realized at that age. How stupid we are being young.
I remember one time, as we were in the back room, I was messing with the Ipod deck we had. Just trying to find some good music while I did my job. He walked into the back room, and was walking behind me. He decided to stop right there, press himself against my back, and did that whole, not so wholesome dance move. Honestly, this description sounds a LOT worse than it actually was. Worse things have happened at high school dances. This was slow, and very VERY intimate. I remember getting goose bumps on my neck because he was breathing on it, and he had his hands on my hips. I remember that I couldn't even catch my breath. I just didn't even know what to do. Not that I wanted to do anything at the time. My mind went totally blank and I just let it happen. It was brief, but enough that it is burned into my mind.
It is not such a mystery to me why people get raped or molested. These two experiences are enough to convince me that when you're young and naive, or even older and terrified, this situation doesn't get any easier. It is so hard to admit to someone that you let these things happen. That you didn't stand up for yourself when you actually had the chance.
Today, when I did, and I was asked," Has this happened before, it struck me as yes. Though the previous situation was not as unwanted as this situation, it was worse. It was a much, much worse situation. Men, you can be sneaky and cruel. You can be manipulative and calculating. And you can know just how to pick your victims.
Living on my own, I am learning so much more about myself. Things that I thought were true about me, are now so false. I thought I was strong, brave, and believed in myself enough to stand up for me. But, I am not. I am not brave enough to just spare myself misery and actually make a preemptive strike and nip it in the bud before it turns into something more. I know, I took a step today. But not until things were getting bad enough that it has been causing emotional distress while I am at home. It has occupied my mind on what I am going to do to discourage without hurting feelings. In the process, I have been throwing myself into the line of fire. Taking the hits when there didn't need to be but one. One to just say, no.
Now, after this experience, if there are any ladies who are dealing with something similar, I encourage you to take the correct steps to putting an end to it. It doesn't matter if you are flattered, or just slightly uncomfortable. You KNOW what's wrong. You know what should and shouldn't be happening. Don't let your story escalate further than mine. It was absolutely far enough.
As always! I love you, my little blog people! I love having my small audience that keeps track of my stories and are so caring! You guys are wonderful and I hope good things are happening for you! I hope you are brave and strong! I hope you have faith and courage. I also hope you know you are loved! Have a wonderful evening!