First Kiss (Yeah, I know all of you were waiting for this one.)

Yes. It happened. The cosmic event that everyone waits for. Well, maybe not everyone. I think some people just can do it. They just wake up and it's like, oh, today's the day. I am going to kiss that person that I really admire. Yes, I said admire. Why? Because people use the word like. And that is used too much. Admire also hits at something more than just a physical attraction. In fact. I am going to google it and then paste it here.. (google magic...or.. in Harry Potter terms.. googules majikus.) Admire: 1. To regard with pleasure, wonder, and approval. 2. To have a high opinion of; esteem or respect. To marvel at something. Often used with at.
Who doesn't want to be admired?! To have someone marvel at you? To regard you with pleasure, wonder, approval, an most importantly, respect?
I have learned a lot about that in the last day. It has been 24 hours since that first kiss. The story starts out kind of silly. We were watching a cartoon. Yes, cartoons. Oh! And lets take a trip back in a time machine because, it's Mr. Intriguing from waaaay back in the day. Remember how I always wondered about that? I am not wondering anymore. People say, you will only regret what you don't do. Lies. Lies, lies lies. I understand regret. Shame. Embarrassment. Violation. These things which I thought before that I had enough experience with these feelings. Enough to handle it when I was faced with it. I wasn't. I don't know how people do this without the gospel. I know. Not all of you are in the same religion as me. That is fine. But, I don't know how I would have been able to get through it.
Back to cartoons. Wait. No. Not there yet. Back a little farther. He is always busy. Part of the fun was we never had time to actually hang out except for the two times we actually did for short amounts of time. Well, we are kind of pressed for time. Why? Bout to drop another bomb on you guys. I was going to wait, but.. people at work are already talking about it, so there isn't a point in not saying. I'm moving to Virginia at the end of January. Now, I am not posting this on Facebook just yet. That will wait since about 5 people read this, it won't blow up just yet. So, pressed for time. He got off of work early last night which is not something that happens. I was tired. Sooo tired. In fact, I fell asleep for a couple of hours and then he texted me 4 times saying he got off. I told him I didn't want to come over because I was tired. I have to work in the morning. It's not very close. All of the usual reasons. But, we're running out of time. 
So I went.
I should have stayed home. There is totally a song about that. How he should have just stayed in bed. I should have done that. No question. I didn't though. I had a time there where I just wanted to be brave and just kiss someone. Then I would come to my senses and remember that waiting is okay.
Now, a small part of my brain thought, tonight could be the night that I get that kiss I was waiting for since I turned 16. I was nervous, but a little excited. He and I had talked before. He knew that I have never been kissed. He knew that I didn't want to just jump right into it. That I just wanted to take it slow. He knows I'm LDS. None of this is secret. I am not ashamed of how.. behind I am from other people from my peers.
So, now, cartoons. We were just enjoying this cartoon. Okay. Let's be honest here, it was Futurama. Is that how that's spelled? I don't care. That's what we were watching. I just looked over at him, and bam. Kiss. Right there on the lips. Right after he pulled away, I literally squeaked out," Oh my goodness!" He laughed, and then just went for it. Now. I am okay with kissing. Well, not right now. It scared me though because I was not expecting, long open mouth kisses for my first. No. I wasn't. So I was kind of trying to not freak out. I was trying to get my thoughts gathered. It didn't work. It was like a deer in headlights. I had no idea what to do. However, I was not fine with it when his hand started creeping south. Nor north. Or East or West. I have told him before that I don't want to do that stuff. Apparently, my feelings didn't matter.
Not at all. 
Things got too heavy. And I know my sister is sitting here thinking.. you're such a baby. Get over it. (If you don't believe me, see facebook. It's there.) But for me? This was earth shattering. I have been saving that first kiss for years. I let my guard down to a guy who didn't respect me enough to stop when I said stop. Or no. Or don't do that. 
Now, during the first 30 minutes of him humping (sorry, that isn't lady like), grabbing, and smooching, I really didn't know what to do. After I got my wits about me a little bit, I was able to finally say No, you can't do that.No, if you don't stop, I am going to leave. Stop.
Eventually, I just left. He still couldn't keep his hands to himself. But, he stopped trying take my shirt off at least.
And guess what? I feel guilty.
Not exactly because of what happened. I mean, I do feel guilty about it. Guilty because I should have just stayed home in bed like I wanted to. I should have just went to sleep. 
However, I wasn't asking for it. I didn't wear revealing clothing at all. I mean, it's winter. who is going to go out in this bitter cold weather in shorts and a tank top?? Not this girl. I am freezing most of the time anyways.
Well. Long story short. I went and talked to my bishop about this. I have the best bishop ever. He is very understanding. But he helped kind of put things into perspective for me. And told me not to let this hold me back. A whole side effect of this is that I really am not looking forward to being in another situation like that. I just don't want to do that to myself again. I have way too much respect for me. Most of the time, anyway.
There was a side of me that wanted to do all that stuff. To toe the line. That is gone. Believe me. There are a few people that I would kiss before I left the state. At this time though, my lips are out of commission. My body is off-limits except for hugs. And I plan to keep to myself for a while. I kind of don't even want to go out. I just want to watch movies and shows that people are not kissing in. No romance for a while. Even if I could just skip work for a week and stay in my room, I would do it.
So. There you go. The long-awaited first kiss turned out to be more of an attack than romance. It's at least worth it to know that if this happens again, I will know what to do. I won't black out for 30 minutes or anything. 
That's it for this evening. Love you guys.

The Loveless

There are different types of love in life

where some are predator or prey.

Or those who find another soul

who's objective is  to stay.

While other chase unrelenting hearts

who want nothing more than words.

Creative lies and writhing tongues 

that eager ears have heard.

Entreating promises designed to tempt,

to change and build and bend.

The innocent ones, have unwittingly believed

and invested their feelings in.

Stumbling, reaching, pursuing those;

the ones with callous intentions.

Encouraging dreams with unfounded trust

with waxing and waning affection.

We are the many, the lost, and unhappy.

The gullible, latched onto every word.

Putting faith and trust in a thief in disguise,

skeptical we're being lured.

The ones who invest our life and love

into something that doesn't exist.

Believing we'll change their mind to stay;

confident that they'll insist.

They don't, in fact. They saunter away 

 expecting us not to feel spited.

Confirming we fell too much in love

our feelings left unrequited.

A continuous web we'll undoubtedly to weave

'til we're strong enough to flee

the oppressing ones who keep us pinned

and we're not too blind to see.

Just Because

Tonight, my brain is full of things. Brains are supposed to be full of things, I know. Tonight, my brain is muddled. Good word, huh? I wish I was the spoiled youngest child. But, no. I have to be an adult and have the bipolar 11 year old sister yell at me and then say "I like your shirt" in the same breath. Plus, her insane little friends trying to walk right into my parents house. What the heck is that about?? Good grief. Having a younger sibling that behaves like she does, is definitely part of the reason I don't live at home anymore. If I didn't have younger siblings, or siblings that could actually get along, I would probably still be at my parents. However, I like being on my own. I do have something I am bursting to say, but I can't say it yet. It is driving me crazy! Just 2 more weeks or so and then I can let all of you blog people in on a secret.
Like I mentioned before, I have a lot on my mind. I can't seem to organize it though. So instead, it is just swirling around my head like a swarm of bees. And guess what? I don't like bees. I will try to separate the creepy insects so I can get some peace.
One thing, I wish I was braver. Instead, I am trapped in my little box of insecurity. I tried to make a change. Last week, I actually initiated a date, which was weird. I don't usually do that. Though I don't like to do that, it was a little empowering. I had a really good week there where I was confident and felt comfortable in my skin. It's really strange how you can lose that so quickly. One day.. I am going to be brave. I'm going to be like.. "hey, boy. I think you're good looking. I am also quite good looking. We should go out." But, I have a feeling that it is still going to take a little bit longer.
Another thing, why does food have to make you get chubby, huh?? Why can't it just be all good for you and not make you turn strange shapes.
Why can't I say "Merry Christmas" to someone and not have someone freak out and say I'm insensitive because they are atheist?
Why can't I just get a job that I love?
Why do certain decisions have to be based on appearance?
Why can't people be honest, so that when there are actual people in need, those with kind hearts can give them a little money or help without worrying that the person actually has a million dollar home or is just too lazy to work?
Why does life have to be so full of sorrow, and such fleeting moments of joy?
Why can't our brains recognize when we have it good, so we can avoid taking moments, or people for granted?
And also, why can Victoria's Secret charge 12 dollars for some underwear??
These are just some of the things on my brain. And, now I've run out of steam. Completely pointless blog post tonight.. I apologize.