Yes. It happened. The cosmic event that everyone waits for. Well, maybe not everyone. I think some people just can do it. They just wake up and it's like, oh, today's the day. I am going to kiss that person that I really admire. Yes, I said admire. Why? Because people use the word like. And that is used too much. Admire also hits at something more than just a physical attraction. In fact. I am going to google it and then paste it here.. (google magic...or.. in Harry Potter terms.. googules majikus.) Admire: 1. To regard with pleasure, wonder, and approval. 2. To have a high opinion of; esteem or respect. To marvel at something. Often used with at.
Who doesn't want to be admired?! To have someone marvel at you? To regard you with pleasure, wonder, approval, an most importantly, respect?
I have learned a lot about that in the last day. It has been 24 hours since that first kiss. The story starts out kind of silly. We were watching a cartoon. Yes, cartoons. Oh! And lets take a trip back in a time machine because, it's Mr. Intriguing from waaaay back in the day. Remember how I always wondered about that? I am not wondering anymore. People say, you will only regret what you don't do. Lies. Lies, lies lies. I understand regret. Shame. Embarrassment. Violation. These things which I thought before that I had enough experience with these feelings. Enough to handle it when I was faced with it. I wasn't. I don't know how people do this without the gospel. I know. Not all of you are in the same religion as me. That is fine. But, I don't know how I would have been able to get through it.
Back to cartoons. Wait. No. Not there yet. Back a little farther. He is always busy. Part of the fun was we never had time to actually hang out except for the two times we actually did for short amounts of time. Well, we are kind of pressed for time. Why? Bout to drop another bomb on you guys. I was going to wait, but.. people at work are already talking about it, so there isn't a point in not saying. I'm moving to Virginia at the end of January. Now, I am not posting this on Facebook just yet. That will wait since about 5 people read this, it won't blow up just yet. So, pressed for time. He got off of work early last night which is not something that happens. I was tired. Sooo tired. In fact, I fell asleep for a couple of hours and then he texted me 4 times saying he got off. I told him I didn't want to come over because I was tired. I have to work in the morning. It's not very close. All of the usual reasons. But, we're running out of time.
So I went.
I should have stayed home. There is totally a song about that. How he should have just stayed in bed. I should have done that. No question. I didn't though. I had a time there where I just wanted to be brave and just kiss someone. Then I would come to my senses and remember that waiting is okay.
Now, a small part of my brain thought, tonight could be the night that I get that kiss I was waiting for since I turned 16. I was nervous, but a little excited. He and I had talked before. He knew that I have never been kissed. He knew that I didn't want to just jump right into it. That I just wanted to take it slow. He knows I'm LDS. None of this is secret. I am not ashamed of how.. behind I am from other people from my peers.
So, now, cartoons. We were just enjoying this cartoon. Okay. Let's be honest here, it was Futurama. Is that how that's spelled? I don't care. That's what we were watching. I just looked over at him, and bam. Kiss. Right there on the lips. Right after he pulled away, I literally squeaked out," Oh my goodness!" He laughed, and then just went for it. Now. I am okay with kissing. Well, not right now. It scared me though because I was not expecting, long open mouth kisses for my first. No. I wasn't. So I was kind of trying to not freak out. I was trying to get my thoughts gathered. It didn't work. It was like a deer in headlights. I had no idea what to do. However, I was not fine with it when his hand started creeping south. Nor north. Or East or West. I have told him before that I don't want to do that stuff. Apparently, my feelings didn't matter.
Not at all.
Things got too heavy. And I know my sister is sitting here thinking.. you're such a baby. Get over it. (If you don't believe me, see facebook. It's there.) But for me? This was earth shattering. I have been saving that first kiss for years. I let my guard down to a guy who didn't respect me enough to stop when I said stop. Or no. Or don't do that.
Now, during the first 30 minutes of him humping (sorry, that isn't lady like), grabbing, and smooching, I really didn't know what to do. After I got my wits about me a little bit, I was able to finally say No, you can't do that.No, if you don't stop, I am going to leave. Stop.
Eventually, I just left. He still couldn't keep his hands to himself. But, he stopped trying take my shirt off at least.
And guess what? I feel guilty.
Not exactly because of what happened. I mean, I do feel guilty about it. Guilty because I should have just stayed home in bed like I wanted to. I should have just went to sleep.
However, I wasn't asking for it. I didn't wear revealing clothing at all. I mean, it's winter. who is going to go out in this bitter cold weather in shorts and a tank top?? Not this girl. I am freezing most of the time anyways.
Well. Long story short. I went and talked to my bishop about this. I have the best bishop ever. He is very understanding. But he helped kind of put things into perspective for me. And told me not to let this hold me back. A whole side effect of this is that I really am not looking forward to being in another situation like that. I just don't want to do that to myself again. I have way too much respect for me. Most of the time, anyway.
There was a side of me that wanted to do all that stuff. To toe the line. That is gone. Believe me. There are a few people that I would kiss before I left the state. At this time though, my lips are out of commission. My body is off-limits except for hugs. And I plan to keep to myself for a while. I kind of don't even want to go out. I just want to watch movies and shows that people are not kissing in. No romance for a while. Even if I could just skip work for a week and stay in my room, I would do it.
So. There you go. The long-awaited first kiss turned out to be more of an attack than romance. It's at least worth it to know that if this happens again, I will know what to do. I won't black out for 30 minutes or anything.
That's it for this evening. Love you guys.
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