WHAT AM I DOING??

I have had such a hard time trying to decide what to do for this next blog post. Mostly because I am feeling a little insignificant. Insignificant? Is that the right word? Probably not. But there is a reason to feel whatever I am feeling. That's because there are so many blogs out there that are meaningful. Like food blogs!! Everyone loves food!! Or blogs about battling problems like abuse, addiction, or rights of humans. Important things. This blog? This is me rambling about nothing important, really. Except every once in a while where something really gets my goat. I guess this really isn't targeted for huge crowds of people. For that to work, I would need to be hilarious like Ellen. She is great, isn't she?? And I know, I know. I could change this blog up, and write about something meaningful. But what? What in the world do I have experience with that nobody else does? Or that everyone else can't figure out for themselves? I can tell you about doorknob problems in your family. I can also tell you about things that get on my nerves. About how much I love my friends and family. Or about how terrifying my first kiss was. Those things really don't matter much for anyone except those that were living it with me. Really? Did I absolutely HAVE to tell you about doorknobs?? How is that relevant to anything or anybody except maybe those doing home renovations??

I guess as I said before when I was defending my type of blogging (which is more like journaling than anything) that I write for me. I write because I love it. And someone said once, that you write what you know. Obviously, I don't know anything particularly important or impressive, but it is definitely in my rights to write about me stumbling through life. I guess that's something everyone who reads this could relate to. Life. We are all living it. Some are living it better than others.

I suppose this is sort of on my mind because here I am in Virginia with no job and running out of money. Okay, I'm not that close to running out of money, but still. When you have no income at all, you just have to be very conscious about the money you spend. I've been praying like it's the end of the world to know what I am doing out here. Anyone that talked to me seriously about me moving out here knows I had a plan. I was going to come out here. Get a job. Stay at my aunt and uncles' house for a month, maybe two to get a car and a place to live sorted out. Then, I was going to continue to work, and establish residency so I could go to school at Longwood University.  Well. I'm here. And nothing has worked out. I moved here so sure this is where I was supposed to be. Divine intervention redirected me pretty abruptly. 

I had a really really good job back in Utah, making enough money to support myself entirely and not be strapped for cash too bad. I had really awesome friends (few they may be) and roommates (who are also now married). I had a car. I had my family 30 minutes away. I really had a lot going for me. Now? Not so much. It has been so frustrating trying to figure this out. I will play it off like it's no big deal because I have been afraid to admit how terrified I am. Or how frustrated.

Since 15 years old, I have been basically making my own way. Besides the normal things like groceries. But, I was buying my own clothes, or if I wanted to eat out, I paid for that. For any recreational things? Money from my own pocket. Now, here I am 23 years old, feeling like I'm 12 again. Totally dependent on the kindness and love of my family out here. I love them for it. I really wouldn't be able to be here without them. It's just getting used to the fact that right now, I have nothing but what came with me in my suitcases. (At least I have A TON of movies). Reverting to that type of dependency is so hard. Anyone that has moved out on their own, then has suddenly had to move back home knows. It's like that.. but worse. 

It also really worries me. I know that my mom worries that I am getting on my aunt and uncles nerves. I make sure to ask them too, because I definitely don't want to wear out my welcome. But I have gotten a lot of pressure from outside people that say,"Just do that. Just do this." Do you not think I have tried that?? Do you think I haven't been exploring any option I can? And before I get comments asking "have you considered this?" let me just tell you what I have considered and have prayed about. Should I go on a mission? What about school? Directing me to a job. Am I in the wrong part of Virginia? Or the wrong state entirely? Maybe the wrong country? Am I supposed to be dating non-members? Or dating at all? What about Utah? Am I supposed to go home? Was I out here to work on my spirituality for the summer or was this a permanent move? What about this job option? Is this one that I should consider?

Really. I feel like I have pursued so many different avenues but I have nothing. Now I wonder if I am even able to hear the Lord telling me what to do. Am I worthy enough for that? Does he even hear me praying to him about this? WHY AM I HERE? It has been so fun just being with my family out here, but I can't sit here and do nothing for forever. Uugh.

Hopefully you see my frustration. I do value my friend opinions and guidance. But, if you are going to give me some, can you wait a week? Because I feel so slammed by the voices in my head, on a constant loop thinking about jobs. School. And "what the hell am I doing?" I think that a lot of people forget how freaking hard this is. So when getting this advice that seems condescending, all it does is stress me out more. Revisiting that feeling of "Do you not understand that I am doing everything in my power? That I moved here because the Lord gave me that feeling, the one you can't ignore, to move out here and now I have no idea what I'm supposed to do? That I have been waiting for Him to put His hand in my life in the ways I am expecting so I can have a successful life?" I know some of you caught that "expecting" in that last sentence. He has had His hand in other things. Like my testimony has been challenged, strengthened, and expanded. At least in certain aspects. In others? I am still totally lacking.

Anyway. I have one more thing to comment on. This is totally switching gears. Jumping tracks. And it's more directed at the stupid boys who do this, and the poor girls on the receiving end. GUYS. WHY DO YOU THINK WE WANT TO SEE YOUR... MAN BUSINESS?? It is so gross looking. I'm sorry, but no woman will say," Oh wow. Yes. I really love to look at them because they are so handsome." No. That doesn't happen. Why am I telling you this? Well, I have had the worst luck ever. A few of the guys I used to talk to (note the word USED) made the decisions to send me pictures of their.. things. I'm trying to be somewhat delicate about this, but also make my point so be patient with me.

The first time I got one of those awful pictures, I was 17 years old and working at Red Robin. I was physically at Red Robin. Working. And this was before a little image popped up next to the message to warn you what is in it. All it said was "New Message" and then there it was. All crooked and nasty looking. I screamed. Or yelped would be more accurate. Thank goodness it was really slow that day and there was nobody there. I asked this particular guy what in the heck was he thinking sending me that thing!? (Quick New Girl reference, "What are you doing?? Waving that thing around like an idiot?!") He said he didn't know. We never talked again. The second time was one of the guys that I worked with at Red Robin. Bleeeech. And the last one, I got last week. Once again. Someone back in Utah. So far, my extent with the guys out here has been a really annoying 21 year old boy that I had to block because he wouldn't leave me the heck alone. But Utah? Nasty boy part pictures galore. So, this guy sent me one. I promptly said "Ew" then blocked him on my phone too, and unfriended him on Facebook. I also think I blocked him there too. All I want to say is that if any boys are reading this: STOP IT. Don't do it. If a girl asks to see it, she better be your wife. Otherwise, she is lying and is just trying to impress you by making you think that she wants to see it. 

We don't look at it like you guys do. All proud like your manhood relies on it completely. We don't look at our boobs that way! Some girls have lots of boob, and some girls don't. It is what it is. In any case, girls think that you being shirtless is handsome enough. That's about the extent of what we want to see.

Okay, that is all for tonight. Love you guys, as per usual.