Choices

Wow, it has been a LONG time since I've blogged. Life has been a little crazy these last few weeks. I've been working my two jobs and trying to balance my personal life with everything else. It is exhausting. Plus, work has been stressful this week. For example, yesterday, I was planning on going running after work, as per usual. Except. Work was hectic and my nerves were just shot. So. I went to the store to get my chili stuff, threw it all in the crock pot, said screw it, got in the bath, then took a nap. Yeah. Adulthood is hard.
And working to jobs? The problem with that is you don't get time off. But when you do, you remember what it's like and it's really really hard to go back to working all of the FREAKING TIME. It is so mentally exhausting. Only physically during the week since I do my night job on Fridays and Saturdays. Once I feel secure enough though, I really just need to say goodbye to the night job.
By the way HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I technically started this blog before midnight, even though it's now after midnight. I totally loved scrolling through my Facebook page and seeing all the costumes my friends and family were so creative in coming up with! But, it did make me feel nostalgic for being younger. I miss being a teenager. I know a lot of people say they would never go back to high school. I would totally go back. Because, even though I had a lot of fun skipping school, I kind of put my future back. I could have been getting college credits, and a better education (as good as Utah can provide, anyway).
I have some friends that I really just miss. So much. Friends that, though we might seem like we are on different paths, which I guess some of us are, just have turned away completely. Does any person really deserve to have their friends or family turn away from them because they make some different decisions? Not really. I mean.. maybe if it's criminal like serious theft or murder..? But in normal, every day life? Not at all.
Examples? One of my friends kind of used to be a little... on the loose side? Not like she was sleeping around or anything, she just knew how to string boys along, use them for some smooching, maybe some other stuff, and then on to the next one! Does that make her a bad person? No. Her decisions were definitely different than mine. I probably judged her at the time. Out of jealousy I think. I have always wanted to be the girl that could just get any guy and make out with them a little, then move on. I never had the courage, and I was worried about where that would take me as far as my spirituality.
She's married with a child now. (Also, she has to be because this is Utah and our clocks are ticking!) Me? I didn't kiss anyone till last year, because I wanted it to mean something. It didn't. And also, off subject, after 10 months of  pondering that kiss, I have determined that it was not just a bad experience. It was a bad kiss. It was bass-akwards horrible. Wrong person. No skills. Nothing. So. That's a nice revelation.
Back to the other thing. She was just living her life, and enjoying herself. Now that I have managed to get my anxiety out of the way about messing up (the LDS religion is a LOT of pressure) I feel like I can branch out a little. I can do things that I feel comfortable doing. Like online dating and trying drinks. Now don't worry your pretty little heads, friends and family. I don't drink often. I drink rarely. So so rarely. But it's not because I am drinking just to drink. I don't ever plan on drinking a ton because alcohol addiction is a serious problem that runs in the family.
But because I have a drink once ever 4 months, does that make me a bad person? No. But I can't live my life thinking "I can't do this, I can't do that. If I do, I am lost to hell and it's seven circles." Because I AM NOT. My decisions are between me and the Lord. He is ever in my thoughts and I go through the day, trying not to strangle people. You just have to be trying. Ever improving. And believe me. We all have room to improve.
The one thing that I have been trying to de-program my brain into thinking is that the Lord hates me and every time I mess up, I am expecting punishment. Like, oh you had an alcoholic beverage yesterday.  Because of that, you'll lose your job today. Then get in a car accident. That will teach you.. I am pretty sure the Lord doesn't work that way. You have consequences. Like if I drank something and went driving, then got in a crash. That's totally my bad because I made that decision. But messing up, and trying to change the vindictive view of the Lord that I have in my head, can only be done when I am making mistakes. Not if. Because we all screw up. I'm just learning to not be so overcome with guilt that I am totally terrified. I'm learning to face that guilt head on, realize I messed up, and that I will try again. I will do better next time. That's the way to progress. Not to be paralyzed by fear.
It's also been a thing of mine, that I think the reason I am still single is that the Lord is punishing me because I can't go through one day without messing up. That's still one I struggle with, but it's the same principle. Only because being alone to me is going to be unbearable. I can't be by myself. I mean, I don't want to live with a bunch of girls, but I want a husband. A partner in life to support, and to help support me. To have someone that is on my side. And it has been so hard for me to wrap my head around this: some people who don't live by any of the standards of the LDS church have just a ton of stuff going for them. And when I was strictly abiding by it, I had nothing. My job sucked. I barely had enough money to live. Still alone. This is one thing to me that is so confusing. Life makes no sense.
Anyway. I think I've blogged myself out tonight. Time to work some more. I have like... 20 more trips up the stairs.. Ugh.
Night!