I'm having a tough time tonight. There really isn't a whole lot on my mind, but it's been pressing on me for weeks. The same things. Always the question of "What am I doing". Tonight though, I don't want to focus on that. I'm going to tell a story. It's relatively short, but I realized as I was rattling this story off to the sister missionaries, that it's a story I really haven't told yet, and it actually means a lot to me. It isn't really the kind of story that you're thinking. Not at all like my disastrous first kiss, but it's a story. It's the story of me leaving Utah.
I'm skipping past the decision making and how that all came about. It's literally the story of what happened after I got out of my mom's car and walked into the airport. The first time I have actually done something like that. Something completely alone. Here we go.
After I got out of the car and hugged my family goodbye, and cried, I walked into the airport and waited in line to get my boarding pass and check my bags. Well, I had started out standing behind these two men who were really loud, but they looked at me and said, you might want to go to the other line, it seems they are having problems at this one. I said thanks, then moved to the line on my left. It did go wayyy quicker. However, not fast enough so that my bags didn't tip over while I was standing there. I had three, in case you were wondering. And for some reason, my stupid bag on top of my big one kept swiveling around and tipping both of them over.
After I got the two bags checked, he asked me to take them to the other line and have them put on the belt to board the plane. As I am walking that direction, my bags tip over AGAIN. I was already freaking out because of what I was about to do. I was seriously considering just taking the 300+ dollar loss on my ticket and just go home. Except that my mom told me that she wouldn't come pick me back up. That I couldn't chicken out.
So, my bags are totally unstable, and so are my emotions, and everyone is just watching me struggle. Until the really nice lady that puts the bags on the belt walked over and said, "Here, let me help you with those." She was soooo sweet! I guess I am the personality type that has to share EVERYTHING in my life, because after she said that I said, "Thank you so much. I'm moving and I'm really just freaking out." She nodded and listened and said,"Wow! That's great! I've got your bags taken care of!" When I just stood there, she said, "You can go to the security line now and board your flight. And good luck!" That woman has no idea how much I needed that. Not just the good luck, but the directions. I had no idea where I was going.
So, I went through security, and had to take both of my computers out of my bag, and take off all of the layers I was wearing. I silently apologized to the lady running the belt for the security because it was taking me forever. But, I eventually got through, and packed my bag back up, put my boots on, and went to my gate.
This was seriously one of the smallest gates, and probably in the most ghetto part of the airport. So, I am texting my cousin, and my sister while waiting for my flight. Now, this was Valentines day. Technically it was night time. My flight was supposed to be at 11:58 pm or something? Well.. my plane didn't actually arrive until I think almost 1 am. Not to mention that, but it was when that huge storm was passing over the East coast. The one that shut down Georgia.
And is it just me, or is boarding the plane the worst thing ever?? You have your bag and you're trying not to hit people with it as you go down the aisle. I am telling you, nothing ever makes me feel fatter or more in the way than that! And trying to lift that heavy thing over my head and put it in the bin while people are standing in line behind me? And?? My seat is in the middle, so I have to climb over people! I hate that! Plus, I sat between two guys, and that was a little awkward. I was hoping that one of them would be kind of good looking. Not so much.
Well, as we are flying, I was trying to get some sleep, but I was also scared to sleep because I was worried I would miss my next flight. Well, I had my Ipod playing for a lot of the ride. I watched a couple of movies! Thor was one. I don't remember the other. Warm Bodies maybe? Well, I still had a little while on the plane, and my eyes were burning and my head was starting to hurt. So I turned it off and closed my eyes. Of course I missed the drinks and snacks that were being passed out. I did eventually get a cup of water so that was nice.
Well, after a really bumpy flight, I landed in Charlotte, NC. Which is really stupid because I was going to Raleigh-Durham, NC. Why can they not just have a flight that goes to Raleigh and then I wouldn't have to worry about that?? Well, I landed in Charlotte around 6 am. My flight was supposed to leave at 7:15 or something. I really don't remember, and I was also really really tired.
Well, not only was my first flight delayed, but Charlotte airport was the most unprofessional airport ever. I couldn't believe it. By the time we actually boarded the plane, we were supposed to have already taken off! Luckily, the flight was really short. But, I was still late landing! I was hoping we would get in early because it had been since I think noon the day before that I had eaten a real meal and by then, I had a roaring headache.
Since we were late, I texted my aunt and uncle to tell them that I was headed toward baggage claim. They said they were already here and just to text them when I got outside. I was like... oooooooh no. I can't get food because they are here, and I don't want to make them wait! So, I sped-walked to the baggage claim and of course beat the bags. I was hoping to at least find a soda machine to get a drink. But, I was trying to hurry.
While I was waiting, I texted my mom and told her that I was landed, and how bad my head hurt, and that I was hungry. She told me to take some medicine and find food. I told her I was trying to hurry so that Keith and Pam didn't have to wait on me. Well, the bags started coming off. I saw one right away because I have a cute little heart from my roommate that she got me for Christmas hanging off the handle. The other one, I was sure I would see fast because it is a weird shaped bag.
However, it was upside down. So, as it went past me, I was thinking...that's probably my bag. Then I saw the owl duct tape on the handle. Yep. It was mine. So, I grabbed my other bags and practically ran to the other side to catch it. I pulled it off and sent a text to my aunt to let her know I was headed outside.
Then I saw it. A soda machine. I had a few dollars in my pocket and I pulled them out, and tried to feed them into the machine. Of course. It wasn't taking them. I gave up quickly, and just walked outside into the freezing East coast humidity. Winter out here is like.. down to your bones cold.
As I kept walking, my bags kept flipping over! Just like they did at the SLC airport! I was too tired and didn't feel good at all, and I did not want to put up with this crap! So, I let them twist and then stood by a bench.
Thankfully, a few moments later, my aunt, uncle, and cousin drove up. They parked a little farther away, so I started to get my bags to move. They were twisted so badly, I didn't actually take any steps towards them! They would not cooperate! But, my uncle came over, gave me a hug, and I said, "Thank you.. I can't get.. they won't...?" No real sentence. But he and my cousin John helped me get them into the car.
The last part of the story is this: my mom had texted my aunt to tell her my head hurt and that I was hungry. So she said," Okay. We need to get you food and medicine."
That is how my life here started.
There was more that happened that day. I stayed awake as long as I could, but fell asleep around 1 or 2 pm, and then slept until 7 or 8 pm. Woke up, ate food, and went back to sleep.
Anyways. That's my story.
I know it isn't really a big, important story, but, it seems so surreal even now. It's hard to think about it. More because it was such a whirlwind thing. It all went so fast.
And.. that's all I have to say about that..
Night all. Love you.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
WHAT AM I DOING??
I have had such a hard time trying to decide what to do for this next blog post. Mostly because I am feeling a little insignificant. Insignificant? Is that the right word? Probably not. But there is a reason to feel whatever I am feeling. That's because there are so many blogs out there that are meaningful. Like food blogs!! Everyone loves food!! Or blogs about battling problems like abuse, addiction, or rights of humans. Important things. This blog? This is me rambling about nothing important, really. Except every once in a while where something really gets my goat. I guess this really isn't targeted for huge crowds of people. For that to work, I would need to be hilarious like Ellen. She is great, isn't she?? And I know, I know. I could change this blog up, and write about something meaningful. But what? What in the world do I have experience with that nobody else does? Or that everyone else can't figure out for themselves? I can tell you about doorknob problems in your family. I can also tell you about things that get on my nerves. About how much I love my friends and family. Or about how terrifying my first kiss was. Those things really don't matter much for anyone except those that were living it with me. Really? Did I absolutely HAVE to tell you about doorknobs?? How is that relevant to anything or anybody except maybe those doing home renovations??
I guess as I said before when I was defending my type of blogging (which is more like journaling than anything) that I write for me. I write because I love it. And someone said once, that you write what you know. Obviously, I don't know anything particularly important or impressive, but it is definitely in my rights to write about me stumbling through life. I guess that's something everyone who reads this could relate to. Life. We are all living it. Some are living it better than others.
I suppose this is sort of on my mind because here I am in Virginia with no job and running out of money. Okay, I'm not that close to running out of money, but still. When you have no income at all, you just have to be very conscious about the money you spend. I've been praying like it's the end of the world to know what I am doing out here. Anyone that talked to me seriously about me moving out here knows I had a plan. I was going to come out here. Get a job. Stay at my aunt and uncles' house for a month, maybe two to get a car and a place to live sorted out. Then, I was going to continue to work, and establish residency so I could go to school at Longwood University. Well. I'm here. And nothing has worked out. I moved here so sure this is where I was supposed to be. Divine intervention redirected me pretty abruptly.
I had a really really good job back in Utah, making enough money to support myself entirely and not be strapped for cash too bad. I had really awesome friends (few they may be) and roommates (who are also now married). I had a car. I had my family 30 minutes away. I really had a lot going for me. Now? Not so much. It has been so frustrating trying to figure this out. I will play it off like it's no big deal because I have been afraid to admit how terrified I am. Or how frustrated.
Since 15 years old, I have been basically making my own way. Besides the normal things like groceries. But, I was buying my own clothes, or if I wanted to eat out, I paid for that. For any recreational things? Money from my own pocket. Now, here I am 23 years old, feeling like I'm 12 again. Totally dependent on the kindness and love of my family out here. I love them for it. I really wouldn't be able to be here without them. It's just getting used to the fact that right now, I have nothing but what came with me in my suitcases. (At least I have A TON of movies). Reverting to that type of dependency is so hard. Anyone that has moved out on their own, then has suddenly had to move back home knows. It's like that.. but worse.
It also really worries me. I know that my mom worries that I am getting on my aunt and uncles nerves. I make sure to ask them too, because I definitely don't want to wear out my welcome. But I have gotten a lot of pressure from outside people that say,"Just do that. Just do this." Do you not think I have tried that?? Do you think I haven't been exploring any option I can? And before I get comments asking "have you considered this?" let me just tell you what I have considered and have prayed about. Should I go on a mission? What about school? Directing me to a job. Am I in the wrong part of Virginia? Or the wrong state entirely? Maybe the wrong country? Am I supposed to be dating non-members? Or dating at all? What about Utah? Am I supposed to go home? Was I out here to work on my spirituality for the summer or was this a permanent move? What about this job option? Is this one that I should consider?
Really. I feel like I have pursued so many different avenues but I have nothing. Now I wonder if I am even able to hear the Lord telling me what to do. Am I worthy enough for that? Does he even hear me praying to him about this? WHY AM I HERE? It has been so fun just being with my family out here, but I can't sit here and do nothing for forever. Uugh.
Hopefully you see my frustration. I do value my friend opinions and guidance. But, if you are going to give me some, can you wait a week? Because I feel so slammed by the voices in my head, on a constant loop thinking about jobs. School. And "what the hell am I doing?" I think that a lot of people forget how freaking hard this is. So when getting this advice that seems condescending, all it does is stress me out more. Revisiting that feeling of "Do you not understand that I am doing everything in my power? That I moved here because the Lord gave me that feeling, the one you can't ignore, to move out here and now I have no idea what I'm supposed to do? That I have been waiting for Him to put His hand in my life in the ways I am expecting so I can have a successful life?" I know some of you caught that "expecting" in that last sentence. He has had His hand in other things. Like my testimony has been challenged, strengthened, and expanded. At least in certain aspects. In others? I am still totally lacking.
Anyway. I have one more thing to comment on. This is totally switching gears. Jumping tracks. And it's more directed at the stupid boys who do this, and the poor girls on the receiving end. GUYS. WHY DO YOU THINK WE WANT TO SEE YOUR... MAN BUSINESS?? It is so gross looking. I'm sorry, but no woman will say," Oh wow. Yes. I really love to look at them because they are so handsome." No. That doesn't happen. Why am I telling you this? Well, I have had the worst luck ever. A few of the guys I used to talk to (note the word USED) made the decisions to send me pictures of their.. things. I'm trying to be somewhat delicate about this, but also make my point so be patient with me.
The first time I got one of those awful pictures, I was 17 years old and working at Red Robin. I was physically at Red Robin. Working. And this was before a little image popped up next to the message to warn you what is in it. All it said was "New Message" and then there it was. All crooked and nasty looking. I screamed. Or yelped would be more accurate. Thank goodness it was really slow that day and there was nobody there. I asked this particular guy what in the heck was he thinking sending me that thing!? (Quick New Girl reference, "What are you doing?? Waving that thing around like an idiot?!") He said he didn't know. We never talked again. The second time was one of the guys that I worked with at Red Robin. Bleeeech. And the last one, I got last week. Once again. Someone back in Utah. So far, my extent with the guys out here has been a really annoying 21 year old boy that I had to block because he wouldn't leave me the heck alone. But Utah? Nasty boy part pictures galore. So, this guy sent me one. I promptly said "Ew" then blocked him on my phone too, and unfriended him on Facebook. I also think I blocked him there too. All I want to say is that if any boys are reading this: STOP IT. Don't do it. If a girl asks to see it, she better be your wife. Otherwise, she is lying and is just trying to impress you by making you think that she wants to see it.
We don't look at it like you guys do. All proud like your manhood relies on it completely. We don't look at our boobs that way! Some girls have lots of boob, and some girls don't. It is what it is. In any case, girls think that you being shirtless is handsome enough. That's about the extent of what we want to see.
Okay, that is all for tonight. Love you guys, as per usual.
Friday, April 18, 2014
Just Like Pride and Prejudice
I have been meaning to write this particular post for while. We have had a lot of things happen out here. Unfortunately, my aunt's grandma died a couple of weeks ago, so the week following, was filled with funeral preparations, house guests, and everyone kind of leaning on each other. And, the week after, which happens to be this week, which is this week, we have just been making up stuff we neglected the week before. Not to mention I have been job hunting. I had 3 new leads for jobs. I have sent resumes to two of them, but the other one, I am just not totally sure about. The person offering it is a little... different. I just need to ponder that one a little more.
Anyway! This post! As you can see, it has a little reference to Jane Austen's masterpiece. It kind of makes me laugh though! My life currently, is a little reminder of that beautiful story. Minus the two hotties that come strolling in and out of Elizabeth's life. I mean, I would love to meet a Mr. Darcy.
The way that I am looking at this being similar is this. I am a twenty something year old girl who is, dare I say, fairly good looking. Maybe not the best looking in my family or anything, or any of my friends! (Awww, I love you guys and think you are all so charming and pretty!) I'm from a background where girls are notorious for getting married young. Not exactly at my mothers' urging, but more like that is kind of how the girls in the LDS religion do it. Only because they have missionaries that go out, and when they come home, they get married right away. (Honestly, that can kind of be a mistake. No wonder the divorce rate is out of control. We barely know who we are at 19, 20, or even 21. How are we supposed to make decisions for spending our lives, nay eternity, with a person?) I have sisters. I do have two brothers, so that's not the same. But still!! Nor did I grow up on a farm, but still. Other small similarities include the love of reading, walks, and poor piano playing.
I have a best friend who got married before me. She didn't settle though. She loves the man she married, and they are very happy and have a beautiful son together. My sister, met the man of her dreams. She got married first. I know Jane is older than Elizabeth, so going off of that, I would be Jane. But, I haven't actually met a Bingley either. So, right now, this makes me Elizabeth. Or Kitty. Or Mary. But, I get to narrow it down further so I can be the epic heroine.
I met my Mr. Wickham. That would be the fire fighter. He seemed so nice at first. I thought he was charming. And handsome. Plus, he is a man in uniform. Woo hoo! But, he turned out to be a jerk who really likes boobs. Terrible.Or, it could have been the other guy. I don't know his nickname yet.. He was also a man in uniform. He took me on one date, he drunk dialed me twice. On the second one, he asked me out again, for the next day, and then never talked to me again. Neither of them ran away with either of my sisters, but the commonality between the them still holds!
My other, larger common thing is that I have gone across the country to be with my aunt and uncle! No way huh?? Seriously. I am living it. Once again, except for the Mr. Darcy. I just don't understand why he hasn't showed up yet. Or if I have met him, and I think he is a jerk. There is only one person out here that I dislike, and he was just like.. really annoying. And super creepy. So, he can be Mr. Collins. I think I have just about everybody accounted for. If only Elizabeth got a new best friend when she was out with her aunt and uncle! That would be my super cool friend, who I also don't have a nickname for yet! I will just call her Bestie, because her other nickname that actually goes with her real name, also starts with a B! So there's that! And instead of sending my sister letters, I face time her, text her, and talk to her on the phone.
I also do that with my mom! My mom still tells me not to cut my hair, and to take care of my body. That way, a guy will think I am a hottie with a body and I will get married, he will whisk me away, and we will live happily ever after! At least until after the honeymoon and real life kicks back in. Plus! My dad loves me! Not that I am his favorite, but we definitely have a good relationship! He was so hoping that the guy I was supposed to be with, or that my purpose for life could have been in Utah. He didn't want me to go. I was really really sad to leave him though.
Anyways. That is how my life is like Pride and Prejudice. Summed up, I'm looking for love (well, not actively anymore. I feel a little over it), the current chapter of my life has me with my fantastic aunt and uncle across the country, away from my family and my dear sisters, that I love. And right now, I think this is what I need and where I am supposed to be.
I love you guys!
Anyway! This post! As you can see, it has a little reference to Jane Austen's masterpiece. It kind of makes me laugh though! My life currently, is a little reminder of that beautiful story. Minus the two hotties that come strolling in and out of Elizabeth's life. I mean, I would love to meet a Mr. Darcy.
The way that I am looking at this being similar is this. I am a twenty something year old girl who is, dare I say, fairly good looking. Maybe not the best looking in my family or anything, or any of my friends! (Awww, I love you guys and think you are all so charming and pretty!) I'm from a background where girls are notorious for getting married young. Not exactly at my mothers' urging, but more like that is kind of how the girls in the LDS religion do it. Only because they have missionaries that go out, and when they come home, they get married right away. (Honestly, that can kind of be a mistake. No wonder the divorce rate is out of control. We barely know who we are at 19, 20, or even 21. How are we supposed to make decisions for spending our lives, nay eternity, with a person?) I have sisters. I do have two brothers, so that's not the same. But still!! Nor did I grow up on a farm, but still. Other small similarities include the love of reading, walks, and poor piano playing.
I have a best friend who got married before me. She didn't settle though. She loves the man she married, and they are very happy and have a beautiful son together. My sister, met the man of her dreams. She got married first. I know Jane is older than Elizabeth, so going off of that, I would be Jane. But, I haven't actually met a Bingley either. So, right now, this makes me Elizabeth. Or Kitty. Or Mary. But, I get to narrow it down further so I can be the epic heroine.
I met my Mr. Wickham. That would be the fire fighter. He seemed so nice at first. I thought he was charming. And handsome. Plus, he is a man in uniform. Woo hoo! But, he turned out to be a jerk who really likes boobs. Terrible.Or, it could have been the other guy. I don't know his nickname yet.. He was also a man in uniform. He took me on one date, he drunk dialed me twice. On the second one, he asked me out again, for the next day, and then never talked to me again. Neither of them ran away with either of my sisters, but the commonality between the them still holds!
My other, larger common thing is that I have gone across the country to be with my aunt and uncle! No way huh?? Seriously. I am living it. Once again, except for the Mr. Darcy. I just don't understand why he hasn't showed up yet. Or if I have met him, and I think he is a jerk. There is only one person out here that I dislike, and he was just like.. really annoying. And super creepy. So, he can be Mr. Collins. I think I have just about everybody accounted for. If only Elizabeth got a new best friend when she was out with her aunt and uncle! That would be my super cool friend, who I also don't have a nickname for yet! I will just call her Bestie, because her other nickname that actually goes with her real name, also starts with a B! So there's that! And instead of sending my sister letters, I face time her, text her, and talk to her on the phone.
I also do that with my mom! My mom still tells me not to cut my hair, and to take care of my body. That way, a guy will think I am a hottie with a body and I will get married, he will whisk me away, and we will live happily ever after! At least until after the honeymoon and real life kicks back in. Plus! My dad loves me! Not that I am his favorite, but we definitely have a good relationship! He was so hoping that the guy I was supposed to be with, or that my purpose for life could have been in Utah. He didn't want me to go. I was really really sad to leave him though.
Anyways. That is how my life is like Pride and Prejudice. Summed up, I'm looking for love (well, not actively anymore. I feel a little over it), the current chapter of my life has me with my fantastic aunt and uncle across the country, away from my family and my dear sisters, that I love. And right now, I think this is what I need and where I am supposed to be.
I love you guys!
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Blog It Out
You know those nights, (or very VERY early mornings as the case may be) that your brain refuses to let you sleep? It has to ask all of these questions about every decision you've ever made? Start telling you stories from your past? Also makes your body temperature like.. 10 degrees hotter than it should be? That's me tonight. It's 3:00 am here in Virginia. My uncle will be getting up for work in 30 minutes, and leave in about an hour and a half. Then, a few hours after that, my aunt will get up and go to work as well. I am just hoping and praying I am asleep by that point.
But with my mind tossing and turning, I figured I could blog it out a little bit.
Today, I took a very very big step. I don't want to say exactly what this is, but it has a very significant and special meaning for me. I don't even need to say I hope it changes my life, because I know it will. Things like this always do. I have also been slightly freaking out about my calling in my new branch. Guys, I'm going to be in nursery. For Virginia, that is so different. I am pretty sure there are 6 or 7 kids. That's all. Plus, one of the other people in nursery is an awesome girl who I am actually friends with.
However. I have some small problems with children. Well, more like I have problems with parents. I feel like most parents these days pawn their children off onto other people. Which, that is totally what nursery is for. But! They drop these kids off who they don't bother to raise. So they can all be really snotty. I am sure there are sweet ones too. Still. I am worried. I mean, if you have a kid who is naughty in Utah, and you tell their parents or try to teach the child that what they're doing isn't right, you get a really really irritated parent. They refuse to believe that their children could do anything like that. Well let me tell you, people. Most people are not just going to make up stories about your kids misbehaving. Most of the time, they are just wanting to let you know so you can maybe rectify the situation. So don't get all bent out of shape if they say that. My mom was never the one to say," Oh my kids would never do that!". She was the one that said, "Oh no. What did they do now..?". That's a better way of looking at it. I mean, maybe every once in a while, you'll get that one person who likes to make things up and lie about your kids. But you should always go in with an open mind and heart, so that if your child is old enough, you can try to communicate right and wrong. Kids are terribly smart. Some are smarter than their parents. (I know that sounds nuts, but I've seen it happen!)
So, I am all worried about nursery. Also. I found out at church this week that one of the families lost their baby. The wife was pregnant and at 22 weeks. That is usually a time frame that is past the danger point, or almost past the danger point for miscarriage. I feel so terrible for that family and that this is something they need to feel. I guess they had a miscarriage with the pregnancy before this one. It doesn't seem fair. There are too many people I know that have children, or keep having children when they can't handle the ones they have, or handle any at all. They pop them out like Stargate. But good people who try and try to have kids, they can't seem to have a pregnancy stick, or get pregnant at all. I wish I knew the answer for why that happens. Sadly, a lot of people who aren't ready for kids don't change after they have them. Some people think," Oh that is so what that person needs to grow up. Kids." But if you think about it, people who are kids themselves shouldn't exactly be reproducing. It just makes for unhappy kids and selfish/unhappy parents.
Also. Dating. Dating out here is so hard. Because the LDS singles in my area are like..um.. non-existent, I am having to check that other dating pool. The dating pool of guys who are religious, but they hate the LDS church, or the "Mormons" as we are referred to out here. And there are some really really good looking guys out here too. Seriously. But all of them drink. And it's not like.. a beer when they go home. It's like.. they get drunk to the point of killing brain cells and other people as well, every night. It's a college town. They all like to party. It honestly seems impossible at to meet someone out here. And yet, I haven't moved back to Utah yet, so that has to mean something.
However, I have been homesick a lot lately. I miss my family. I miss my dogs. I miss the few friends who I've kept in touch with since I left. I do have an excellent aunt and uncle out here that couldn't love me better if they tried. They love me (it feels like to me) as much as my own parents. They do everything to help me with anything I need. Like job hunting or a ride to the store. Anything. But there is just something about being around your immediate family. And I seriously miss the dogs!! How strange is that?! Well, actually it's not too strange. See, we have dogs out here too. Sable the Pomeranian, and Chip the Chihuahua. Neither of them are snuggly like Mazi or Socs. Either of those little boogers will climb up in your lap and stay there. And if you don't pet them, they will lick you to death until you do. Sable is just like a grumpy old lady who doesn't like to be pet, she is afraid of going across the wood floors, and every time the family leaves (even when I am still there) she howls like she is being killed. I was literally on the couch with her on the floor under the table today, and about 2 minutes after everyone else left, she starts moaning, then howling. She is 'flicked.
And Chip gets too excited to actually let your pet him. He also peed on my PJ pants. That was a fun night.
Anyways. I guess what I am getting at tonight, is that I still don't know what I am doing here, and that I miss my family and friends. I also miss dating guys I like. I sort of almost miss kissing. Then I think about my last experience and it turns me off to that whole idea again.
I also miss being all high spirited when it came to dating. I am going to let ya'll in on a little secret here. There was a point in high school where I liked this guy soooo much. Not in the same way as the missionary, but since we couldn't date, I was hung up on this other guy. We had so much in common. Plus, he was on the cocky side and I am a sucker for that. Anyways, he told me once he liked when girls had short hair. A week or so later, guess who had an A-line hair cut? I know. Not that I think always changing yourself for people is a good idea, but I miss my willingness to do things like that. Instead, I've just been bitter and sad. And more on the page of saying, If you don't like me the way that I am, you can just move along. I'm not sure which is the right way? Do you bend a little, or do you stay rigid and state that you get what you get? UUUGH DATING. Can I be done yet?
Anyways. I love you guys as always, and thank you for the support. You are wonderful. :)
But with my mind tossing and turning, I figured I could blog it out a little bit.
Today, I took a very very big step. I don't want to say exactly what this is, but it has a very significant and special meaning for me. I don't even need to say I hope it changes my life, because I know it will. Things like this always do. I have also been slightly freaking out about my calling in my new branch. Guys, I'm going to be in nursery. For Virginia, that is so different. I am pretty sure there are 6 or 7 kids. That's all. Plus, one of the other people in nursery is an awesome girl who I am actually friends with.
However. I have some small problems with children. Well, more like I have problems with parents. I feel like most parents these days pawn their children off onto other people. Which, that is totally what nursery is for. But! They drop these kids off who they don't bother to raise. So they can all be really snotty. I am sure there are sweet ones too. Still. I am worried. I mean, if you have a kid who is naughty in Utah, and you tell their parents or try to teach the child that what they're doing isn't right, you get a really really irritated parent. They refuse to believe that their children could do anything like that. Well let me tell you, people. Most people are not just going to make up stories about your kids misbehaving. Most of the time, they are just wanting to let you know so you can maybe rectify the situation. So don't get all bent out of shape if they say that. My mom was never the one to say," Oh my kids would never do that!". She was the one that said, "Oh no. What did they do now..?". That's a better way of looking at it. I mean, maybe every once in a while, you'll get that one person who likes to make things up and lie about your kids. But you should always go in with an open mind and heart, so that if your child is old enough, you can try to communicate right and wrong. Kids are terribly smart. Some are smarter than their parents. (I know that sounds nuts, but I've seen it happen!)
So, I am all worried about nursery. Also. I found out at church this week that one of the families lost their baby. The wife was pregnant and at 22 weeks. That is usually a time frame that is past the danger point, or almost past the danger point for miscarriage. I feel so terrible for that family and that this is something they need to feel. I guess they had a miscarriage with the pregnancy before this one. It doesn't seem fair. There are too many people I know that have children, or keep having children when they can't handle the ones they have, or handle any at all. They pop them out like Stargate. But good people who try and try to have kids, they can't seem to have a pregnancy stick, or get pregnant at all. I wish I knew the answer for why that happens. Sadly, a lot of people who aren't ready for kids don't change after they have them. Some people think," Oh that is so what that person needs to grow up. Kids." But if you think about it, people who are kids themselves shouldn't exactly be reproducing. It just makes for unhappy kids and selfish/unhappy parents.
Also. Dating. Dating out here is so hard. Because the LDS singles in my area are like..um.. non-existent, I am having to check that other dating pool. The dating pool of guys who are religious, but they hate the LDS church, or the "Mormons" as we are referred to out here. And there are some really really good looking guys out here too. Seriously. But all of them drink. And it's not like.. a beer when they go home. It's like.. they get drunk to the point of killing brain cells and other people as well, every night. It's a college town. They all like to party. It honestly seems impossible at to meet someone out here. And yet, I haven't moved back to Utah yet, so that has to mean something.
However, I have been homesick a lot lately. I miss my family. I miss my dogs. I miss the few friends who I've kept in touch with since I left. I do have an excellent aunt and uncle out here that couldn't love me better if they tried. They love me (it feels like to me) as much as my own parents. They do everything to help me with anything I need. Like job hunting or a ride to the store. Anything. But there is just something about being around your immediate family. And I seriously miss the dogs!! How strange is that?! Well, actually it's not too strange. See, we have dogs out here too. Sable the Pomeranian, and Chip the Chihuahua. Neither of them are snuggly like Mazi or Socs. Either of those little boogers will climb up in your lap and stay there. And if you don't pet them, they will lick you to death until you do. Sable is just like a grumpy old lady who doesn't like to be pet, she is afraid of going across the wood floors, and every time the family leaves (even when I am still there) she howls like she is being killed. I was literally on the couch with her on the floor under the table today, and about 2 minutes after everyone else left, she starts moaning, then howling. She is 'flicked.
And Chip gets too excited to actually let your pet him. He also peed on my PJ pants. That was a fun night.
Anyways. I guess what I am getting at tonight, is that I still don't know what I am doing here, and that I miss my family and friends. I also miss dating guys I like. I sort of almost miss kissing. Then I think about my last experience and it turns me off to that whole idea again.
I also miss being all high spirited when it came to dating. I am going to let ya'll in on a little secret here. There was a point in high school where I liked this guy soooo much. Not in the same way as the missionary, but since we couldn't date, I was hung up on this other guy. We had so much in common. Plus, he was on the cocky side and I am a sucker for that. Anyways, he told me once he liked when girls had short hair. A week or so later, guess who had an A-line hair cut? I know. Not that I think always changing yourself for people is a good idea, but I miss my willingness to do things like that. Instead, I've just been bitter and sad. And more on the page of saying, If you don't like me the way that I am, you can just move along. I'm not sure which is the right way? Do you bend a little, or do you stay rigid and state that you get what you get? UUUGH DATING. Can I be done yet?
Anyways. I love you guys as always, and thank you for the support. You are wonderful. :)
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Why I Blog
I am not happy tonight. In fact, I have angry tears. Why? Well let me put it this way, if you don't want to know what is going on and how I see it, then click out of this link now. I don't want you to come back later and see that people have said,"Wow. She is so whiny and complains all the time." And if you feel that way, then you don't know me. At all. I am a generally positive person. I post a lot about the things on my mind which weigh everyone down. I like to work it out on metaphoric paper. It's cathartic. Sort of like the therapy I wish I could afford. The only thing is, I don't have people telling me how to solve my problems. I write them down here, examine them, and make my choices from there.
Angry. Angry that because I unfriended Fernando (yes, I used his real name. He hurt my feelings, so he doesn't earn a nickname.) he decided to lash out at me. Guess WHY I unfriended him? We don't talk. We aren't friends. We just worked together. I didn't really care to have him keep tabs on my life, and we don't talk at all for me to care about his life either. But, he was peeved about it because this is the message I received, and the inspiration for tonight's post:
Thanks for defriending me. I for sure won't miss you complaining about every little thing about life. Good riddance. I was about to do that you just beat me to it. Now someone else can take your negative energy.
Yeah, that happened. Feels like jr high all over again, when Brad told me my fat rolls were disgusting. I was thin then! Anyhow, I try to keep a lot of what I am thinking to myself, but I tend to put them down here. Newsflash: This blog is not being forced on ANY of you. You have the option to not read it. This is so much like the situations that happened at my last job. People calling to complain that they are in a lease they said they didn't read and now they have payments they weren't expecting. Well guess what. I didn't make you go to the store, put your banking information on the application, along with your social security number, and everything else. I didn't make you sign the contract without reading it. It's not my fault that you didn't ask questions about what you were getting into and took the sales reps word for it. (Sales reps are there for money, okay?? Get the full story before blindly giving out your personal information.) But, the option to use the financing is there. Just like this blog. You don't HAVE to read it. If you don't like what you read, then don't come back. I don't write this stuff solely for your entertainment. I am writing because I want to. They say a good writers write what they know. And guess what? I know what happened today, or whatever day I wrote the post. I write how I feel. Freedom of speech is still a thing, right??
Some of them are updates. Some of them are just funny stories to make you laugh. Other times, I had a really bad day and I needed to get it off my chest. I don't know how many people actually read them. Though having people read it is awesome. I write because I love it.
Now. I don't expect that all of you will believe this, but I am quite the same person on here as I am in real life. However, I have the tact to say things when I need to, or hold my tongue when it is appropriate. However, if I am able to be honest about something, I will be.
Now, a comment was made by someone, that they didn't know who would date me, or how I would get asked on dates because my posts sound so angry. Once again. Not very many people read this. Most of them are again, family members. And while marrying a family member is common in West Virginia, guess what? I am not in West Virginia. I am in good ole Virginia. The rest of my family is in Utah, or Arizona. And my one uncle in Guam. Back to the topic. The people I date, the people I talk to, they KNOW me. They have seen me in high times and hard times. Most of them are there for me...to make me laugh. I LOVE THEM FOR IT. I might not say it as much as I should, but I do try to and let them know.
Granted, my list of friends is pretty small. That is because I am picky about my friends. I don't need friends who make me cry or make me feel bad about myself. Nobody does. Who wants to talk to someone who acts like they are just tolerating you? Also, I have an amazing family. They are the best friends anyone can have. They take your side, they support you. And they love you unconditionally. But the friends I do have, I spoil because I love them. I would do anything for them [except move back to Utah.. at least not right now ;)] but I treat them how I want to be treated. I take friendships very seriously. Friends are one of the only things people have to get them through rough times. Some people can't count on their family. Or some people count their friends as their family. I know I do.
But the people who I am close to, they know my heart. I know theirs. And I would really REALLY appreciate it, that if you have problems with me or my blog, to voice them directly with me so I can talk to you about it. Please don't go talking to my family about me. My sister heard this comment (the one about me dating) and was so offended. So, come directly to me with your issues with me.Your complaints are about ME, so they don't need to go to anyone else. Besides, my mom can't actually make me do anything anymore since I am a legal adult.. and I live all the way across the country.
I still feel like I have more steam to blow off, but I will do that with push ups. For those of you who support me unconditionally, who make me laugh, and brighten up my days, I love you and I hope you know it. If not, I'll fix that ASAP.
Angry. Angry that because I unfriended Fernando (yes, I used his real name. He hurt my feelings, so he doesn't earn a nickname.) he decided to lash out at me. Guess WHY I unfriended him? We don't talk. We aren't friends. We just worked together. I didn't really care to have him keep tabs on my life, and we don't talk at all for me to care about his life either. But, he was peeved about it because this is the message I received, and the inspiration for tonight's post:
Thanks for defriending me. I for sure won't miss you complaining about every little thing about life. Good riddance. I was about to do that you just beat me to it. Now someone else can take your negative energy.
Yeah, that happened. Feels like jr high all over again, when Brad told me my fat rolls were disgusting. I was thin then! Anyhow, I try to keep a lot of what I am thinking to myself, but I tend to put them down here. Newsflash: This blog is not being forced on ANY of you. You have the option to not read it. This is so much like the situations that happened at my last job. People calling to complain that they are in a lease they said they didn't read and now they have payments they weren't expecting. Well guess what. I didn't make you go to the store, put your banking information on the application, along with your social security number, and everything else. I didn't make you sign the contract without reading it. It's not my fault that you didn't ask questions about what you were getting into and took the sales reps word for it. (Sales reps are there for money, okay?? Get the full story before blindly giving out your personal information.) But, the option to use the financing is there. Just like this blog. You don't HAVE to read it. If you don't like what you read, then don't come back. I don't write this stuff solely for your entertainment. I am writing because I want to. They say a good writers write what they know. And guess what? I know what happened today, or whatever day I wrote the post. I write how I feel. Freedom of speech is still a thing, right??
Some of them are updates. Some of them are just funny stories to make you laugh. Other times, I had a really bad day and I needed to get it off my chest. I don't know how many people actually read them. Though having people read it is awesome. I write because I love it.
Now. I don't expect that all of you will believe this, but I am quite the same person on here as I am in real life. However, I have the tact to say things when I need to, or hold my tongue when it is appropriate. However, if I am able to be honest about something, I will be.
Now, a comment was made by someone, that they didn't know who would date me, or how I would get asked on dates because my posts sound so angry. Once again. Not very many people read this. Most of them are again, family members. And while marrying a family member is common in West Virginia, guess what? I am not in West Virginia. I am in good ole Virginia. The rest of my family is in Utah, or Arizona. And my one uncle in Guam. Back to the topic. The people I date, the people I talk to, they KNOW me. They have seen me in high times and hard times. Most of them are there for me...to make me laugh. I LOVE THEM FOR IT. I might not say it as much as I should, but I do try to and let them know.
Granted, my list of friends is pretty small. That is because I am picky about my friends. I don't need friends who make me cry or make me feel bad about myself. Nobody does. Who wants to talk to someone who acts like they are just tolerating you? Also, I have an amazing family. They are the best friends anyone can have. They take your side, they support you. And they love you unconditionally. But the friends I do have, I spoil because I love them. I would do anything for them [except move back to Utah.. at least not right now ;)] but I treat them how I want to be treated. I take friendships very seriously. Friends are one of the only things people have to get them through rough times. Some people can't count on their family. Or some people count their friends as their family. I know I do.
But the people who I am close to, they know my heart. I know theirs. And I would really REALLY appreciate it, that if you have problems with me or my blog, to voice them directly with me so I can talk to you about it. Please don't go talking to my family about me. My sister heard this comment (the one about me dating) and was so offended. So, come directly to me with your issues with me.Your complaints are about ME, so they don't need to go to anyone else. Besides, my mom can't actually make me do anything anymore since I am a legal adult.. and I live all the way across the country.
I still feel like I have more steam to blow off, but I will do that with push ups. For those of you who support me unconditionally, who make me laugh, and brighten up my days, I love you and I hope you know it. If not, I'll fix that ASAP.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Dating and Religion: Virginia vs. Utah
I have been feeling a little off this week. Why? Maybe sleep deprivation? Which is definitely my fault since I really don't have a whole lot of motivation to actually do anything. Basically, my day is sitting around and waiting to see if I get an email or call about a job or something? I also do dishes and sweep.. and sleep. It's really not very much. I don't mind too much. I just feel like a lazy lump.. and a leech. But who can complain about being off of work for a month??
I am starting to get a little discouraged. I have been praying for an answer on why the heck I am here. I was hoping things would fall into place a little faster. But nothing has really happened. Nada. Except my one and only job interview. Sometimes, I want to pack my bag and go home, but then when I think about it, I get that sinking feeling in my stomach like that isn't the right thing. So, I'm putting a time line on it. If I don't have anything by 3 months, I am going to just head back to Utah. Unless I want to look in Richmond area, but I really don't think that will help. Especially since I don't have a car yet. And I would have to find a job really quick so I could pay rent to live somewhere. Uuuuuugh. When I think about it all at once, I really wonder what I was thinking? And what the Lord is expecting to happen here.
It's been so crazy getting used to a lot of the slang here. The people. The general environment. I know I have been out of Utah before and all that, but I guess that there is just a small amount of culture shock. It's affecting my dating life. There are seriously NO LDS guys out here. Not that the guy I marry won't convert or something, but really? So many people ask me "What does LDS mean?" Well out here, as I said before, we are just Mormons. So I have to explain that. I thought I would be okay going out with people outside of the LDS religion. And I usually am. But! Out here, it seems that everyone doesn't just drink.. but they drink a LOT.
I know, I know. But here is the thing. I am determined to get married in the Manti temple. I don't want to give up that hope or the faith that could still happen. I have already given so much up and I am not willing to do it again. At least not yet. I don't think that's usually a typical thing the Lord asks you to give up? But what do I know? I'm not a divine being.
However, all this time alone has given me a lot of time to think about what I want and about the LDS church and all of that. I have gotten to do a lot of reading of church material. Hopefully, I will get some more clarity from that because sheesh. I am so lost right now. That is all I will say about that.
In fact, I think I am done for the night. This has been more than enough for me to process tonight. Not to mention that it is midnight here in VA and I think I did mention something about going to bed earlier than 5 am.. Should probably try to fall asleep now.. Well! Goodnight blog family! Love you all! I hope those of you in Utah are enjoying the snow! ;)
I am starting to get a little discouraged. I have been praying for an answer on why the heck I am here. I was hoping things would fall into place a little faster. But nothing has really happened. Nada. Except my one and only job interview. Sometimes, I want to pack my bag and go home, but then when I think about it, I get that sinking feeling in my stomach like that isn't the right thing. So, I'm putting a time line on it. If I don't have anything by 3 months, I am going to just head back to Utah. Unless I want to look in Richmond area, but I really don't think that will help. Especially since I don't have a car yet. And I would have to find a job really quick so I could pay rent to live somewhere. Uuuuuugh. When I think about it all at once, I really wonder what I was thinking? And what the Lord is expecting to happen here.
It's been so crazy getting used to a lot of the slang here. The people. The general environment. I know I have been out of Utah before and all that, but I guess that there is just a small amount of culture shock. It's affecting my dating life. There are seriously NO LDS guys out here. Not that the guy I marry won't convert or something, but really? So many people ask me "What does LDS mean?" Well out here, as I said before, we are just Mormons. So I have to explain that. I thought I would be okay going out with people outside of the LDS religion. And I usually am. But! Out here, it seems that everyone doesn't just drink.. but they drink a LOT.
I know, I know. But here is the thing. I am determined to get married in the Manti temple. I don't want to give up that hope or the faith that could still happen. I have already given so much up and I am not willing to do it again. At least not yet. I don't think that's usually a typical thing the Lord asks you to give up? But what do I know? I'm not a divine being.
However, all this time alone has given me a lot of time to think about what I want and about the LDS church and all of that. I have gotten to do a lot of reading of church material. Hopefully, I will get some more clarity from that because sheesh. I am so lost right now. That is all I will say about that.
In fact, I think I am done for the night. This has been more than enough for me to process tonight. Not to mention that it is midnight here in VA and I think I did mention something about going to bed earlier than 5 am.. Should probably try to fall asleep now.. Well! Goodnight blog family! Love you all! I hope those of you in Utah are enjoying the snow! ;)
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Southern Charm and East Coast Attitude
Wow! I have been in Virginia for over two weeks! I can hardly believe it! Let me tell you, there is so much less drama out here. My worries are minimal and strictly based around a job, a car, and then finding place to live so I don't feel like I am living off of my awesome aunt and uncle! I swear, I haven't stopped laughing since I got here. Maybe a couple of days I did, but still I laughed through portions of those! I swear, I can't believe the terms that they come up with over here! Like one thing: "I swear! Every time those skillet pimps come over.." Skillet pimps!? Really! Yeah! That happens here! And if someone hasn't seen them "in a minute" that could be any length of time from a week, to any number of years! Goodness, you need a dictionary for all that! One thing. I have to try to hard not to slip into that southern twang. Sometimes it catches me but, I need to keep it at bay until I get a job. Hopefully it will help.
Well, I guess I am not being completely honest by saying my "drama" is based on those few things. One thing I have come to realize since I left is who my real friends are. It becomes more and more apparent as time goes on. Honestly, it breaks my heart when I think back to the weeks before I left. So many people saying "please keep in touch!" and "I want to see you before you go" and so on. I have tried to keep in touch with people. I know that I am no longer within a short driving distance.. (Try over 24 hours of driving) but I still would like to keep the friends I thought I had. Turns out I just have a lot of nice acquaintances. So tonight as I am watching Swan Princess and blogging here, I am having a Facebook Purge. Deleting the junk of people who are on there. Or the ones who just collect friends like scout badges. I pretty much kept family, a few friends that I talk to and that I care what is going on with them. That sounds harsh. But, if you just have a bunch of people clogging up your news feed, might as well thin it out. Lighten the load if you will.
One of the craziest things I have had to get used to out here is how many less LDS people there are. I mean, the family ward out here has like... 60 people.. and we meet in a strip mall. Right next to the liquor store. Yeah. And Belk.. and Food Lion. On the bright side, the (expensive) grocery store is just right there! With the minimal amount of LDS members, the dating scene is so different. I haven't actually gone on a date yet, but I have been on a few of those online things.
First off, boys out here are way more confident. They are not afraid to start a conversation. However, this means all the guys have it. Including the ones you wish didn't have it, so they talk to you and you're like... whaaaaat do I do now? Yeah, I went there. Also, I keep the "LDS" statement in my profile, and people have said... What is LDS?? Yeah, that hasn't really happened. I have gotten the questions about the Mormon religion in Utah, but not what is it! So weird.
A lot of guys out here are either active duty or have just gotten back. A lot love beer. Actually, they all love beer. And drinking. Which, hey, I guess that's cool as long as you don't make me do it. People out here really like to drink.
I went to a bar called 202 that is by Longwood University. It was college night. I tell you. I have never seen so many pitchers of beer or cups! And boy it was loud!! It was really fun though! I went with a girl that is near Farmville, but is LDS. We went there to dance! We didn't partake of any alcohol! Kindsey would be soo mad because she has always wanted to be there IF and that is a big IF I decided to drink and get drunk.
However, I am hopeful that I can find someone out here to have a good time with. Apparently all I need to do is gorilla run into Walmart and I would have numbers coming out my ears. This cracks me up! And anyone who is really close to me knows what the gorilla run is! If you don't, then that will make my dad happy because he abhors it!
Anyways. That is pretty much all I have for you guys. I love you and hope you are all in good health! XX
Well, I guess I am not being completely honest by saying my "drama" is based on those few things. One thing I have come to realize since I left is who my real friends are. It becomes more and more apparent as time goes on. Honestly, it breaks my heart when I think back to the weeks before I left. So many people saying "please keep in touch!" and "I want to see you before you go" and so on. I have tried to keep in touch with people. I know that I am no longer within a short driving distance.. (Try over 24 hours of driving) but I still would like to keep the friends I thought I had. Turns out I just have a lot of nice acquaintances. So tonight as I am watching Swan Princess and blogging here, I am having a Facebook Purge. Deleting the junk of people who are on there. Or the ones who just collect friends like scout badges. I pretty much kept family, a few friends that I talk to and that I care what is going on with them. That sounds harsh. But, if you just have a bunch of people clogging up your news feed, might as well thin it out. Lighten the load if you will.
One of the craziest things I have had to get used to out here is how many less LDS people there are. I mean, the family ward out here has like... 60 people.. and we meet in a strip mall. Right next to the liquor store. Yeah. And Belk.. and Food Lion. On the bright side, the (expensive) grocery store is just right there! With the minimal amount of LDS members, the dating scene is so different. I haven't actually gone on a date yet, but I have been on a few of those online things.
First off, boys out here are way more confident. They are not afraid to start a conversation. However, this means all the guys have it. Including the ones you wish didn't have it, so they talk to you and you're like... whaaaaat do I do now? Yeah, I went there. Also, I keep the "LDS" statement in my profile, and people have said... What is LDS?? Yeah, that hasn't really happened. I have gotten the questions about the Mormon religion in Utah, but not what is it! So weird.
A lot of guys out here are either active duty or have just gotten back. A lot love beer. Actually, they all love beer. And drinking. Which, hey, I guess that's cool as long as you don't make me do it. People out here really like to drink.
I went to a bar called 202 that is by Longwood University. It was college night. I tell you. I have never seen so many pitchers of beer or cups! And boy it was loud!! It was really fun though! I went with a girl that is near Farmville, but is LDS. We went there to dance! We didn't partake of any alcohol! Kindsey would be soo mad because she has always wanted to be there IF and that is a big IF I decided to drink and get drunk.
However, I am hopeful that I can find someone out here to have a good time with. Apparently all I need to do is gorilla run into Walmart and I would have numbers coming out my ears. This cracks me up! And anyone who is really close to me knows what the gorilla run is! If you don't, then that will make my dad happy because he abhors it!
Anyways. That is pretty much all I have for you guys. I love you and hope you are all in good health! XX
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