Panic! And the Anxiety

Hey guys.

So I felt impressed to write about this because it was something that I had no knowledge of previously. I thought I understood. But the truth is, no. I didn't. This is truly something that you don't understand until you're experiencing it. I also don't think that there are any words that can accurately express, but I thought I would give it a shot.
The first time I experienced true anxiety was 2 weeks ago. It was in the middle of my personal training session. I don't remember the second half of that session, except my trainer saying "Come on! Put some energy into it!" But there was no way I could put any energy into it, because it was going to my brain to overthink, like it usually does. But this was more intense. There was a twist in my stomach and my heart started pounding hard and fast.
The feeling didn't subside. It actually started intensifying. That wasn't something I had expected. I didn't think it could get worse, but it did. Breathing was hard. My heart and stomach were in a vise grip. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I just worried and worried and worried.
By the time I got home, I had a full fledged panic attack that night. I think. It's a blur now. All I could do was pace from my room to the bathroom and be basically hysterical. Bless my sister for trying to help me. She sent me a guided meditation that helps her when she has anxiety. I put my headphones in and tried to pay attention and do what the meditation was saying, but as I did that, my panic level grew. And grew. I ripped my headphones out of my ears and ran downstairs to her. I don't know what I was expecting her to do, but I went into Kindsey's room and told her I couldn't do it. I was breathing heavily, and was frantic. I had chest pains.
So I called my mom. She was able to talk me down enough that I was able to fall asleep that night.
This was the week of Thanksgiving, which was a REAL shame because Thanksgiving has my favorite food EVER. But as the anxiety built up, my apatite was decreasing. So was my intake of liquid of any kind. I was better when I was actively talking to people about interesting things. If it wasn't captivating enough, my mind would wander and I would start worrying again.
I do have a person in my life who is very important to me, and whenever they were around, the attacks would be less intense. So I wanted them with me all the time.
The following week arrived.
I had barely eaten more than half of one meal a day since before Thanksgiving day. I was getting shaky, which I actually mostly attribute to the panic attacks, but also had to do with the fact I was getting less than 1,000 calories in a day. Most days were around 300-400. In the time from Tuesday the previous week to Wednesday the following week, I dropped 6 pounds. That is too much, too fast.
My heart rate was consistently pounding. I would grab my friends' hands and work and put them on my chest so they could see what I was talking about.
I had been able to sleep pretty well during this, which is a shock and a blessing. Usually if I worry about something even a little bit, it manifests in my dreams and scares me to death. But I had no such experiences during this time.
I was slowly turning into a ghost. I stopped talking to all but one of my friends at work. I only spoke to co-workers if I had to. I mostly kept headphones in with some sort of YouTube videos playing constantly because they were a great distraction. (Make up tutorials.. They soothe my brain, and I'm completely shocked by that.)
By Thursday, I had a small break through. I was hungry for the fist time in over a week. I ate most of my meal, which was GREAT because earlier that day, I had tried to eat something, and the anxiety had my stomach so tight that about 3 bites into it, I threw it up.
I took the day off of work on Friday so that I could unwind. I thought I had reached the end of the anxiety trail.
When I woke up on Friday, I was still filled with nervous energy. I tried sitting and watching videos to tune my brain out, but it wasn't helping. I needed to move. I ended up going to Target with a friend. Just wandering around and looking at all the things as distraction.
I had one more, less severe attack yesterday. Where I started to panic again. I called my dad and talked to him. I decided that I needed a blessing to help me be strong enough to handle the stress. He gave me a great blessing. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to feel that peace right away. It did take about 30 minutes for it to arrive.
I spoke with my best friend James. She has been such a supportive friend through this. I have felt so bad because it was all I could talk about. It was all I could think about. But any time I needed to talk, she wouldn't push me away or say "stop worrying". She would let me talk out my fears and concerns. She'd help give me confidence, and help me focus on my faith instead of my fear.
That's the thing about anxiety. Anxiety doesn't care about logic. You can't reason with it. You have all of the facts. Things that are 100% true, but anxiety wants to make sure you think you way out of those facts. It also doesn't care about your well-being. I have never been one who thinks suicidal thoughts. But anxiety makes you BELIEVE that is your only option. That it's the only way to cope. It doesn't care that you have work to do. It doesn't care that friends need your help. It is ALL CONSUMING. It's not a feeling you can shut off. Worry is something you can shut off. But worry that is founded from anxiety is something you have to ride out. There are good moments, and there are bad moments. One of my friends said hers would have given up by now, while mine was still strongly rooted and fully functioning.
Last night, I had a breakthrough. I actually got a hold of my brain again. It was like waking up. I had been floating around, barely even living, and suddenly I was back in the drivers seat of my body. I was a little concerned that it might not last until today. But it did. I was hopeful. And still in control. Instead of sitting and stewing, I was able to brush the thoughts off as unproductive. I hadn't been able to do that. Even thought I had been CONSTANTLY telling myself that this entire time. "Why are you worrying? There isn't anything you can do! This is a waste of time and energy. You're making yourself sick." And guys. I really did think I was going crazy. I lost myself completely. It was a scary feeling. And I felt broken. Damaged. That I had damaged myself because I couldn't turn the worry off in my brain.
So to wake up today and have hope...to be in charge of my thoughts again.. was such a massive relief and joy. I've been able to stay positive all day today. With some of the worry sinking in now and again, but I have been able to brush it away. Food is still hard to eat. I haven't had much to eat in so long that my stomach doesn't know how to handle it. Sometimes it's fine. Other times I get really sick. That's currently my focus right now. I'm 8 lbs down in a week and half and attempting to stop that number from going down anymore. I didn't care about it before when I had no control, but now that I am myself again (for the most part) I am focusing on trying to get my body back into a healthy condition.
Anyways. I just wanted to put words to this. I thought I understood anxiety. I thought that I knew the ins and outs of the fear. But I was so, so wrong.
If you have anyone in your life that is suffering from anxiety or panic attacks, please keep this is mind. They don't WANT to be overcome with fear. But they are. They don't want to think about it ALL THE TIME. But they are. They don't want to have panic attacks that stress their loved ones out. BUT THEY ARE. Support them as best as you can. It will be hard. My poor family and friends have had to constantly support me for over two weeks. And it's draining. I could see it in faces, and hear it in voices. But talking out loud to someone who cares and won't judge you is such a massive help. And guess what. It probably is 6 times a day. But like I said before.. Anxiety makes you think suicide is your only option. If I didn't have the support system that I had, I don't know what would have happened in the middle of those attacks. I am so grateful and so blessed to have those people in my life. And if you know someone who suffers from this, try to be that person to them. It is priceless. Your effect could save their life.
As always, I love you guys. I hope you are all well. If you ever experience this, please feel free to reach out to me. I will gladly be your sounding board.

A Quick Catch-up and a Question

Guys. It's been a minute since I wrote anything. Maybe even two minutes. I've had a busy... really long time, I guess. If I'm being honest, I don't even remember the last thing I wrote about. I have been meaning to write because I've had at least one crazy date since the last time, and man.. that really deserves to be posted in my "Wall of Shame" gallery of terrible dates. I think I'll post one after this because this first part is more serious, and I don't want to end on a serious note. I want you laughing like I try to do every time.

Today, I've been in a really bad head space. The kind that makes you think about everything too much and then you start to feel really bad about every little thing in your life. I know I usually bare all in these blogs, but not this time. This it's something that's more personal than anything I've really posted before. I didn't realize that these were fears I possessed. I also would prefer that they weren't in existence. They are the ruiners of things. But, I wanted to write a little about it because I felt like I wouldn't be able to let it go otherwise. *Insert "Let It Go" from Frozen here.

Though I think most people will be able to identify with this, though I'm more interested in the ladies who have been in my shoes and I want to know.. Or even if you were maybe on the other side of this issue (like someone was questioning about you), I'd be very interested in hearing about that as well.

When you guys were finding your significant other, dating someone seriously, or even just had someone you liked a lot, did your insecurities become more pronounced? Not really physical insecurities (weight, how your hair looks, etc.) but the ones that you brain tells you at like.. 2 AM?

I haven't ever really worried about what I really meant to someone, or for what reasons they liked me. I just always assumed that anyone who went out with me just liked the physical aspects. Most of the dates I went on were just so that nobody could say anything about me not dating. I didn't care what they thought of me or what the really wanted because I was so uninterested. All I had to do was tough out a few awkward hours.

How did you keep a cool head? I want to be able to sit back and enjoy the experiences that life throw at me! I don't want to worry about heavy things. But, anyone who is an over-thinker knows that sometimes our brains run away without our permission. Silly brains.

Anyways!!! Enough with that! Let's get to the real reason I post on here! To tell you silly stories about terrible dates I've been on!

This one is one person, but 3 dates. Guys, I shouldn't have gone on the second one. That was such a mistake. Even the second one was a mistake, but it's happened and now I have to move on! It will be in my memory bank until I die. 

This was a date from.. Dun dun duuuuuuuun *that was suspenseful music* online. But he and I talked for about 2 weeks before I decided to go on a date with him. We decided on an ice cream date because it's quick and if it goes well, you can do another activity, or if it's terrible, you can leave right after 20 minutes. 

Here's a little fun fact for you. A lot of guys will use the hook of "active LDS" as a hook to get the girl, but really, they don't live that way. That was one of those situations. And I know, people make their choices and their mistakes. It makes more sense when the mistake is both of the people. Consensual. This though. This I think is one of the "hook" situations.

I was kind of excited for this date. We had good conversations. They were clean, and he didn't allude to wanting to make any moves besides just talking. So, I was feeling pretty good. 

We met in Provo and went to Rockwells. First impressions; he was a lot more handsome in person. And also a lot shorter. I think with my little heels on, he was a bit shorter than me. But it was fine. We went and got our ice cream and found a bench nearby to talk. We ended up talking for about 2 hours! It was going well, except he saw the girl he was just dating and that was awkward.

The date was going well, and it was a weekday, so I figured after two hours, we were good to go. Instead, he said "Let's go on a walk." I'm thinking, 'Yeah. Provo is a good place to go on a walk. Especially University Parkway.' So we started walking. We crossed the street over by Zion's Bank. I thought he was going to walk me over to my car. But no. He was walking me to his. I starting thinking 'Oh no. This is how I die.. I should run.. I should leave.' But I didn't. Like I said, he didn't ever bring anything up about kissing or things like that.

So, we got into his car. (I know. I shouldn't have done it. Mistakes were made.) He was looking for a park. We didn't find the park. We would up on the side of the mountain in a subdivision that is being developed. This was apparently a popular make out spot. There was one car that was already up there. This was also during July because you could see fireworks EVERYWHERE! It was awesome. 

Almost immediately, he leaned over and kissed me. I remember thinking that he was a pretty good kisser, until his hand drifted downward to my boob. Really, I don't mind that a lot, except that it's a first date. And maybe you should wait to do that later? He didn't. 

He leaned back and started insinuating that he wanted to move to the back seat. That shocked me enough to say "No.. I need to go home. It's late." And as I'm saying that, he's still kissing me. He said "No, you can't. Not yet." And I finally got enough guts to say "No. I'm really nervous right now. I need to go home." He asked why, and I had to relive the experience of my first kiss. (Which it had been.. 3ish years since then anyways, and I hadn't kissed anyone after that because it was really not my favorite moment.) How when I asked him to stop, he wouldn't. 

He said "OH." and then backed up immediately. At the time, I still thought I could like him, so I stayed facing him as he drove so that he could know that I didn't shut him down because I wasn't interested in him.

We talked for another 40 minutes and I went home.

Our second date, I kind of figured was going to be a "meet up and kiss a bit" type of thing. I was okay with that because, like I said. He was a good kisser. He texted me on a Sunday and asked if I wanted to hang out. I told him "Sorry, I'm cleaning." At the time, I wasn't though. I did immediately get up and start cleaning so that I wouldn't be a liar at least. He just kept saying "For an hour. Come on." So I gave in. I met him at a park by my parents house so that if I needed to run away, I would have somewhere to run to.

We met up and walked around for an hour. I could tell he wanted to get to the good stuff though because he kept saying "Should we keep going, or turn around?" I wanted to hold off a bit, and just kept saying "Let's keep going." So we did. 

When we finally got back to the parking lot, I was just going to go ahead and leave. And he said "You can't just go!" I said "Sure I can! I have stuff to do that you interrupted." But that didn't work. Instead I told him he had 15 minutes. He just opened his passenger side do. I got in the car and he immediately went for it. Not wasting any time!

We kissed for a couple of minutes before he said that the middle console was in the way. He said "Why are we up here?" I said in a kind of bitchy tone, "You opened the door. I got in. That's why we're here. You're responsible for this." He just said "True" as we moved to the back seat. Like I said. MISTAKES.

I really don't want to put too many gory details up here but basically my bra came unhooked and I was wondering if we were going to get arrested. At almost exactly 15 minutes, he stopped and said... "People." and I said.. "Yeah.. This is a public park."

We said a quick goodbye and I left.

At that point, I didn't want to see him again. Ever. He waited about 2 weeks before texting me and telling me he was coming over to my house. Now, he didn't know where I lived except that I was in Santaquin. So he said 'I need your address. I'm on my way.' I didn't want to give it to him. But he called. 

When I answered, I yelled, " JUST GO HOME! DON'T COME OVER!" Which still didn't work.

I caved eventually because he was in Spanish Fork.. I reiterate. MISTAKES.

He came over and I picked a movie that was super violent with zero romance, hoping to not get that mood going at all. It didn't work.

5 minutes into the movie, during a part where at least 20 people get stabbed with cutlery, he was using my back as a scratching post. UUUUUUUGH. I just figured. Let's get this over with. Maybe he'll leave. So we kissed for a few minutes. He was way too into it. 

Skimming over details that may be TMI, he stopped really abruptly, and then kind of waddled to the bathroom. You can fill in the gaps... *Gag*

I was hoping he'd leave after that kind of embarrassing moment, but he didn't. He was back to watching the movie after a few minutes. We did watch the movie for most of the rest. He did try to get something else started and he starting kissing me while I had my eyes on the show. He said "Oh.. You don't want to...?" And I said "I don't remember how this movie ends.. and I want to watch it.." Plus I was not keen on a repeat of the first round. 

We finished the movie and I walked him to the front door. I said "Drive safely." and shut the door. That was the last time I talked to him. Thank goodness.

Dating is a mess. All the time. If it's not some crazy, boring, or filthy guy, it's your brain trying to foul things up. 

I have been typing for what feels like a million years.. But I hope you enjoyed the stories! I'm sorry for cutting some of the details out, but you guys really don't want to know...  Really.

I love you all! And I hope I'm back again soon!

How Would I Even Describe This?

Guys. I have been both uninspired and inspired over the last however many months it's been since I've blogged. I'll tell you what. Though nothing has really happened, this has been one of the hardest years so far. I say so far because I know that things can and might get worse. That's a depressing thought. But, I thought I'd take a minute tonight and talk about some of the things that are going on and things that, maybe some of you won't agree with, but I'm going to mention anyways.
Let's get started.
So, it has been a year since I moved back here from Virginia. I know it was the right decision. At the time, I was so ready for it. I remember one night, I had just HAD it. I wasn't finding work. I was running out of money, and I felt like I was living off of other people. My sweet family and friends. But, I did get a call regarding the one job I had originally moved out there for. I was soooo excited and nervous. Unfortunately, I missed the call because we were at my cousin's graduation and I wanted to be present for it. You know how that is. I missed that call by 5 minutes. I called back when I got the voicemail. I assumed I would hear the reply "You got the job!!" Instead, I had to leave a voicemail.
Then came the waiting. This was on a Friday, and because it was the end of the work day, I would have to wait till Monday. That is when the panic set in. It became real: I might be living here. I might not see my family back in Utah for a while longer. I was scared. I know I had moved out there with the intention of living there. But after being unemployed for so long, I was really to just be back home in Utah. I prayed that I would be able to accept whatever happened. If I was offered the job, I would take it. If not, I would head back to Utah. At that point, I wanted to come back. And I made sure to tell the Lord that. "Heavenly Father, I know you know what's best for me. I will do whatever you want me to do. If I get that job, I will take it. If not, I'll go back. But Heavenly Father, I want to go home. I feel ready.."
That is the first time i have ever had a prayer answered the way I wanted it to be. At least, at the time. At the time, I was ready to leave. So when I got that call the following week and was told I didn't get it, I was sad, but relieved. I looooove my family out in Virginia. They were there at a crucial point in my life. A point that I had NEVER been. I was so scared. I didn't know why I was there. I had quit a job I was excelling at and moving forward with and was happy.
I know it was right to leave. One of my best friends, who I met because I lived with her, was getting married and was selling the house we lived in. She told me that the same time that I told her I was leaving. Everything unfolded so neatly. And I know I made the right decision because when I moved back, the same thing happened. It was so easy. By the time I came home and was here a couple of weeks, I had two jobs.
But, that meant moving away from my family, and my new best friends and their family. I knew it was going to suck. When they dropped me off at the airport (my very best friends) I cried. Ugly crying. And when I got home and realized I wouldn't see them anymore (at least not daily) I cried some more. I remember asking my mom how it was fair. How is it fair that the Lord sent me out there and gave me such beautiful people to fill up my life, only to have me leave them?? While I was there, I swear it was dream like. It was leaving reality. When I moved home, I was thrown back into the real world. I hated it. I remembered thinking that while I was in Virginia, I was truly happy. (Except near the end.) There were times I hated it because I wasn't doing anything worth while. At least not by working.
So, I came back. I worked my two jobs for a while. I kept in touch with my best friends as often as I could between our busy schedules and time difference. But at the same time, I have become less happy.
I don't want to say that I'm mad at the Lord. I really don't think I am. But, I find myself frustrated. I'm frustrated with me. I knew I wanted to come back. But doesn't He know better than me what will lead me to happiness? Would I actually be happier if I was still back there, with my family and friends? Am I happier here then I would be there? That's hard to say.
One thing my aunt taught me when I was there: nobody is perfect. It seems like a simple lesson. One that I was preaching every single day of my life. But, at the same time I was pushing myself to be perfect. I was failing miserably, and making myself unhappy in the process. I wanted to be perfect so that I could go to the temple. My aunt taught me that NOBODY who goes through the temple is perfect. If they were, we wouldn't need the temple. And that has changed me. After we talked about it for a week, she set up an appointment for me to get my temple recommend. And I got it.
It's since expired. And with that, I have felt that need to push myself again. To be harsh. But at the same time, my mind is rebelling against that pressure. I wasn't happy before when I was worried about every little thing.
Now days, I wouldn't be worthy to go to the temple. The few people that know this, I have talked about it freely with. But there are people I haven't told because I don't know what they'll do. For some people, this is no big deal and they will think "this is nothing. Why were you worried?" while others will be "disappointed in my decisions." But since I've been back, I decided I needed to find out what I want. Not what everyone else wants me to be or wants for me. So, with that being said, I have found ea love of wine. Oh yes. Wine. I said it! Before anyone gets all butt hurt about MY decisions, I'd like to say this. I know the dangers of drinking. I am aware of the road it could take me down. So, I am always very careful to monitor what I've had. I have drank to actually get drunk, one time. Don't lose your heads. I'm not going to say that this is a permanent life change. Because who's to say, in a week, I might decided that I don't want to. But this is the first time in my life that I MYSELF have made my own choice. I didn't make it because someone else wanted me to, and I didn't abstain because someone wanted me to. I did it because I NEED to make my own decisions now and figure out where everything fits in my life. This is also very recent. Like "it's been a month and a half" recent. So what I say next has nothing to do with the alcohol. It's just me being a very (terrible) human, and being brave enough to admit it to myself.
This is something that I have struggled with since I was 18 or 19. And I have had a hard time overcoming it.
If  you've known me since then, then you had heard all the stories about the missionary I waited for and how he broke my heart and destroyed the future I thought I had. Since I was young, all I wanted to do was get married and be a mom. And I thought that would happen for me about 5 years ago. But, we all know that didn't work out. It took a long time for me to actually go a day without thinking about that heartbreak. And how mad I was. It's fading finally, but there have been lasting marks on my heart since then.
When one of my best friends' missionary got back, and they got married, I was so insanely jealous. I was a bad friend because she was getting what I wanted. Why could she have it when I couldn't? How can the Lord bless her with this, and at the same time, deny me? Since that time, I have found it very very hard to be happy for people. I mean, I am happy for them, but it is only skin deep. My heart still breaks when I realize that I am NOWHERE that I expected to be at this time in my life. I wanted to be on my own with my husband and a kid. But no. I am alone. Living upstairs in my sisters house watching copious amounts of Netflix and Korean dramas. (Because I love them.) I tried that dating game too. But it sucks. The rejection hurts A LOT. Like the guy that stopped talking to me because I wasn't thin. I'm usually pretty happy with my body. With the exception of the big boobs because they are just ridiculous.
I would go out with people just to go out. I haven't gone out with anyone I was actually physically attracted to. Not for a long time. People tell me "you're too picky" but guess what? When it's not there, it's not there. Maybe a few years ago, I had higher expectations. But now? I don't think so.
As I was saying. Skin deep. I am happy that my friends are finding and getting the things they want and deserve. But at the same time, I am wondering why I have been left behind. It gets hard seeing all the photos of my friends cute babies and loving husbands on a daily basis. That's the danger with social media. We document every little thing because we are so wrapped up in what other people see of our lives.
 Sometimes, I just want to cut myself off from everyone because it is so much easier to to cope with loneliness when you can't see others happiness. And I know it's selfish. I KNOW IT. So don't say it. I can't help it. I kid you not, those two things have been the things I have staked my life on. The things I have worked so hard to be "perfect" for, so that the Lord would think I actually deserved them. And at this time, I suppose I am not deserving of them. I hope one day soon He will decide I'm ready. I have such brave friends who are in the same boat as me, and are enduring it so much better. Both inside the church, and outside.
And as time is going on, I find it easier to be happy for people, and forget my own pain. But since this is an old habit from a teenage me, it always takes time.
As I said before, this has been a VERY hard year. From being completely broke thanks to the ER visit I had in April, to me trying to find the joy in others joy. Trying to find myself when I have trying to be something for somebody else for so long.
I know I'll be okay. It takes time, but one day, I'll be a full functioning adult, and not the selfish, bitter, shell of a person that I feel like I have been for 5 years.
As always, I love you guys!

Choices

Wow, it has been a LONG time since I've blogged. Life has been a little crazy these last few weeks. I've been working my two jobs and trying to balance my personal life with everything else. It is exhausting. Plus, work has been stressful this week. For example, yesterday, I was planning on going running after work, as per usual. Except. Work was hectic and my nerves were just shot. So. I went to the store to get my chili stuff, threw it all in the crock pot, said screw it, got in the bath, then took a nap. Yeah. Adulthood is hard.
And working to jobs? The problem with that is you don't get time off. But when you do, you remember what it's like and it's really really hard to go back to working all of the FREAKING TIME. It is so mentally exhausting. Only physically during the week since I do my night job on Fridays and Saturdays. Once I feel secure enough though, I really just need to say goodbye to the night job.
By the way HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I technically started this blog before midnight, even though it's now after midnight. I totally loved scrolling through my Facebook page and seeing all the costumes my friends and family were so creative in coming up with! But, it did make me feel nostalgic for being younger. I miss being a teenager. I know a lot of people say they would never go back to high school. I would totally go back. Because, even though I had a lot of fun skipping school, I kind of put my future back. I could have been getting college credits, and a better education (as good as Utah can provide, anyway).
I have some friends that I really just miss. So much. Friends that, though we might seem like we are on different paths, which I guess some of us are, just have turned away completely. Does any person really deserve to have their friends or family turn away from them because they make some different decisions? Not really. I mean.. maybe if it's criminal like serious theft or murder..? But in normal, every day life? Not at all.
Examples? One of my friends kind of used to be a little... on the loose side? Not like she was sleeping around or anything, she just knew how to string boys along, use them for some smooching, maybe some other stuff, and then on to the next one! Does that make her a bad person? No. Her decisions were definitely different than mine. I probably judged her at the time. Out of jealousy I think. I have always wanted to be the girl that could just get any guy and make out with them a little, then move on. I never had the courage, and I was worried about where that would take me as far as my spirituality.
She's married with a child now. (Also, she has to be because this is Utah and our clocks are ticking!) Me? I didn't kiss anyone till last year, because I wanted it to mean something. It didn't. And also, off subject, after 10 months of  pondering that kiss, I have determined that it was not just a bad experience. It was a bad kiss. It was bass-akwards horrible. Wrong person. No skills. Nothing. So. That's a nice revelation.
Back to the other thing. She was just living her life, and enjoying herself. Now that I have managed to get my anxiety out of the way about messing up (the LDS religion is a LOT of pressure) I feel like I can branch out a little. I can do things that I feel comfortable doing. Like online dating and trying drinks. Now don't worry your pretty little heads, friends and family. I don't drink often. I drink rarely. So so rarely. But it's not because I am drinking just to drink. I don't ever plan on drinking a ton because alcohol addiction is a serious problem that runs in the family.
But because I have a drink once ever 4 months, does that make me a bad person? No. But I can't live my life thinking "I can't do this, I can't do that. If I do, I am lost to hell and it's seven circles." Because I AM NOT. My decisions are between me and the Lord. He is ever in my thoughts and I go through the day, trying not to strangle people. You just have to be trying. Ever improving. And believe me. We all have room to improve.
The one thing that I have been trying to de-program my brain into thinking is that the Lord hates me and every time I mess up, I am expecting punishment. Like, oh you had an alcoholic beverage yesterday.  Because of that, you'll lose your job today. Then get in a car accident. That will teach you.. I am pretty sure the Lord doesn't work that way. You have consequences. Like if I drank something and went driving, then got in a crash. That's totally my bad because I made that decision. But messing up, and trying to change the vindictive view of the Lord that I have in my head, can only be done when I am making mistakes. Not if. Because we all screw up. I'm just learning to not be so overcome with guilt that I am totally terrified. I'm learning to face that guilt head on, realize I messed up, and that I will try again. I will do better next time. That's the way to progress. Not to be paralyzed by fear.
It's also been a thing of mine, that I think the reason I am still single is that the Lord is punishing me because I can't go through one day without messing up. That's still one I struggle with, but it's the same principle. Only because being alone to me is going to be unbearable. I can't be by myself. I mean, I don't want to live with a bunch of girls, but I want a husband. A partner in life to support, and to help support me. To have someone that is on my side. And it has been so hard for me to wrap my head around this: some people who don't live by any of the standards of the LDS church have just a ton of stuff going for them. And when I was strictly abiding by it, I had nothing. My job sucked. I barely had enough money to live. Still alone. This is one thing to me that is so confusing. Life makes no sense.
Anyway. I think I've blogged myself out tonight. Time to work some more. I have like... 20 more trips up the stairs.. Ugh.
Night!

The Journey

Hey blog family. I really felt like I needed to write this post. Yes, I know it's late. But, since I am currently at my night job, I have the time. So, many of you know that I work at a home for girls who have substance abuse problems. They are so young! It breaks my heart. I honestly don't know if I could handle what these girls are going through. Tonight is the first night I've really seen the girls awake. Well one girl. Obviously, I can't give you details of this girl. But tonight, one of the girls was up and crying. Usually, they're in bed when I get here, and completely asleep. I guess she got permission to sit out in the hall and write in her journal. When I went up to do my next round, she was still out there with tears streaming down her face. On my next, she was in her bed, and still crying. This sort of this is so sad to me.
Why? Well, obviously, it really is terrible to see these girls in pain. Also, you have to put yourself in their place. They really have nothing at this point. They've been taken from their families, homes, friends, and normal way of life. (Granted, they aren't making excellent decisions to get here, but it's still their routine.) They are placed in a house with a bunch of other girls who have similar problems and struggles, different challenges. All who, admittedly, have an attitude, and lets face it, girls butt heads. They have all of their choices taken away from them. Their entire day is now planned out for them, from the time they wake up, till when they go to bed. Their food is chosen every day. It's just.. so hard. I don't think I would be able to do it.
Some of these girls run. They take off, and go missing for a while, then when they are found, they can end up in DT or if they are lucky, they can come back to one of our programs at the Journey. They aren't always allowed back.
But, the fact that these girls are struggling with this sort of stuff just seems so unfair. I know, we all have our choices, but these trials are for these girls, that the Lord knew they would be able to handle. Unfortunately, these girls don't know that they can handle it. They have no idea how strong they actually are. It might take them years to find out. They might not ever find out. And they don't trust adults, or people enough to listen to their therapists or guides when they tell them. They can only go as far as they let themselves.
I really have always wanted to be in this line of work. I would really like to do this during the day so that I would be able to interact with the girls and help them more than just checking on them every once in a while to make sure they haven't run, or anything. I'm so grateful that I do get to help. That on nights like this, I can ask a girl if there is anything I can do to help. I can only do so much. I really can't talk much to her, but, I can have her sleep on the couch and I can keep her company. Be the silent moral support. I just wish that all of these girls knew they were in the same boat, and they could help each other by being kind. And supportive. And for some of these girls, it really does click! And they know they have the chance to get better, and they make the effort. And that is one of my favorite parts about this job.
As part of our training, we have to read a couple of books. I've been reading the one called "The Anatomy of Peace". If you ever have the chance to read this book, do it. It will absolutely change your life. To give you a brief over view, it's about how we can all have a more peaceful heart and life by looking at people AS people, and not objects. For example. When someone cuts you off, you have now labeled as a jerk. A jerk, isn't a person, you have now made them to be an object. And because they are an object, you are more prone to be rude and call names. Once their a person again, you approach them with humanity. Like I said, brief overview, but really, it is an amazing book.
Also. Keeping in line with that train of thought, you never know what's going on with people in their own lives. If everyone was living behind glass walls, we might understand each other better. But we don't. We have to keep in mind that maybe.. this person does something because they've had a traumatic experience. Maybe some sort of abuse, or loss. Unfortunately, life can knock us down, and it can do it in such a way that we can't think of anything else to do but act out. Drinking and drugs to dull pain. Suicide to escape it. Bullying people to lessen your hurt, by making someone else hurt. Maybe in that respect, they are trying to bring someone to their level, to know how miserable they are. Misery loves company after all, so maybe that is more of a cry for help. Nobody really knows.
What I do KNOW, and I feel it's true, is that we have to be more respectful of people as people. And you can't run around trying to fix everything and every one. First, look to yourself and see if maybe the problem is in yourself, not with who you're conflicting. Once you've established this, you can step outside of yourself, and your own head to think of the problem objectively instead of internalizing it and making it personal. Once you can step out of your "box" and see all angles of the issue, only then can you not only help fix a problem, but prevent future problems.
Anyways. I think I got out all I wanted to say. Really, I can't say this enough. If you get the chance to read this book, do it. And maybe read it once a year to keep it fresh in your mind. I know its principles pop into my head at the moments I need it the most. Right when I think I'm going to lose my cool, I'll remember to get outside of my head and my "box" and it immediately helps me calm down and think rationally. Gosh. This is too deep for 1:30 in the morning.. Anyways! I love you guys, and sweet dreams! Or good morning.. just depending on whenever you read this.

The Justification

I have a major headache today, so I'm going to try to make this brief. So. All of my peeps know that I do the online dating thing. That wouldn't be totally necessary except that I really don't get options to go out and do things. If I were in school or something, then that right there puts me in the position to meet people of the male gender. Well, as that isn't financially possible at the moment due to my really weird employment, online dating it is.
I know. People can really suck online. Most people use it as a medium to hook up and what not. But, there are the few people who are looking to actually make a connection. They are just way harder to find. To try to avoid getting the attention of the dudes that just want that one night stand, my profiles specify that I am LDS, and that I'm not looking to hook up. (It legit says "I DON'T WANT TO HOOK UP. I don't believe in that because, dammit, I'm a lady. Classy huh?)
So. I think that makes it fairly clear. Sometimes, you have to use a profanity to make your point. I thought I was clear. Well. This has happened twice so far. These two guys both decided to write me. Both stated that they are LDS. In almost the same breath, they then state that they are looking for that one night stand thing. One was more like.. "I wish girls just gave out handies" which I told you about already. This next guy told me that he believes that sex is just another thing that needs to be practiced in moderation. Because apparently, the reasons that it was frowned upon back in the biblical days, doesn't hold up anymore. He said that he thinks that it was because kids need to be brought up in good homes. But because now we have contraception and birth control, it doesn't hold true.
WRONG. In fact. It's more important now than it was before! You want a list?? Okay. Here it is. Main one. ST FREAKING D's! I'm sorry, but just because you wrap it up, doesn't mean you are totally immune. Next. Babies. Now days, a LOT of babies are coming into this world with only one parent. That is now how a family unit is supposed to be. Things can happen later in life or what not that makes it so that child only has one parent. But only having one parent because you had a one time quicky in a bathroom?? No. No no no. And I'm not saying that single mothers are not doing all they can. I'm sure they are. And they are strong for doing it themselves.
Next. Emotional connection. Let me quote a favorite band of mine: "When a heart breaks, it don't break even." Someone is always going to feel the pain of that one night stand more than the other. Not to mention, one night stands make it so you don't have to connect with the other person. How is that right?? Even taking religion out of this: how is it okay to share something so special with someone who don't care enough about to learn their last name?? I don't think that's right. Not even a little.
The last reason I'm going to give in this: addiction. Now. The LDS has a really strict stance on pre-marital sex. Or anything related to it. Pornography, books and movies, so on. Did you ever wonder why that is? It's because people get so fixated on things pertaining to sex that it interrupts their normal life. Their sex lives with their spouse. Their lives with their friends and families.
The flip side of that coin is this. Because the church is sooooo strict about it, LDS kids have so much pent up sexual frustration. The temptation to sleep around is almost stronger for some because they have it on their mind. Thinking constantly, "I can't do that. I can't do that. Not till I'm married." What I'm going to say might be a little controversial. I think that it is wrong how the church makes young adults so afraid of sexual interaction. Sex is a natural process. It's perfectly normal. We shouldn't be taught to be afraid of it.
How are we made to be afraid of it? Because sexual sin is one of the more serious ones. BUT GUESS WHAT. We have the plan of salvation. That doesn't mean kids should be out fo'nicatin'. It just means: arm yourself. So you're strong enough to withstand the temptation. If you mess up, you do have the ability to repent. People make it seem so absolute. Like if you have sex before marriage, you are officially screwed (no pun intended) for eternity. That you can't do anything to make it better. You can! You just have to be strong enough and willing to admit you made the mistake and then repent for it. That is the hardest part.
I know how hard it is to get over that "you have to be perfect" mentality. My aunt had to help me with that so much out in Virginia. I always thought you had to be perfect to get into the temple. Like you can't be swearing. You can't have had coffee ever. You have to be just immaculate. Yeah. No. NOBODY on this earth is perfect. And if they say they are, they're lying.
And I know I have blogged about that before. So I'll stop now.
Basically the point of this: why does dating online have to automatically mean that you are just there for a hook up?? Apparently, even if you're LDS that's what it means. And I am so sick of it. I really wish there were a class that like.. Tom Hiddleston or some other really respectful British man could teach. Or I could just go there myself and find one.
Well, that is all for today so.. have a lovely afternoon my people.

Another Dating Tale of Woe

Me oh my. What a busy couple weeks this has been. I'm officially back in Utah. (Woo.) This is a happy thing, and also depressing as well. I miss Virginia. I miss my friends and family out there. I miss the amazing thunderstorms, and all the bright colors you can find in the animals or plants. I miss how the "traffic" out there is like, 6 cars. Seriously, getting home from the airport almost stopped my heart because I had forgotten what it was like to have one million other cars on the road with you. Even still, I find myself pushing the invisible breaks wherever I'm sitting.
However, being back has had a couple of advantages. One. My family. I love my family, and it's nice to be near them again. Two. I was offered a job already, and I had only been back a week and a half. Three. I'll have a car soon. Car=freedom. I'm a little sad though, because I haven't seen any of my friends. I did see my auntie, and cousins which was really nice! Followed by a pretty awesome pool party at the neighbors house! That was a blast, and we have some really really fun, sweet neighbors.
But, that is not exactly what I am going to blog about tonight. I know that I always tell you my misfortunes in dating. (I always say misfortune like they do in Pride and Prejudice. I don't know why, but that's how I hear it in my head."Oh yes, his misfortunes have been great." Someone name who says that line, and I'll send you a virtual high five.) Tonight though, I had the keen and unpleasant fortune to talk to a guy. A guy who said he's LDS. Well, I'm assuming he is NOT active based on the way that the conversation went. And you know, that's cool. I mean, you don't HAVE to be LDS for me to date you. Just be respectful of my religion and beliefs and I will show you the same courtesy.
*Reader discretion advised!! There is some mature content*
So, this guy had asked me a question. He had asked me if I was "innocent". Well anyone who knows me can answer this question. Yes. Yes I am. I cried after my first kiss for goodness sake. Grated, it wasn't just kissing that happened, but still. The statement holds true. I told him, yes. I have been kissed once, which I wasn't a fan of, and I have drank once. (I know, hold your shock in. I'm sorry to disappoint you. I AM NOT PERFECT.)
He laughed and asked if I had ever give a "handy". I changed the word because I think it's gross. I told him no. And that I have an aversion to the male organ right now because stupid boys keep thinking I want to see it, and they send me pictures. And before any of you guys get ideas in saying,"Oh you must have asked for it, or done something to make it be sent." You take that back. I have never in my life asked, implied or inferred about seeing a penis. The first time that happened to me, I was 17 and working at Red Robin. That was before your phone showed you the picture before opening it. I screamed, and asked the guy why in the heck he thought I wanted to see it. We stopped talking after that. And it's happened numerous times since then.
Back to the story. I told him briefly that I didn't enjoy that first kiss because the guy was grabbing at parts and trying to get his hands in places they shouldn't have been. And I apologize, this part is going to be TMI for you guys, so feel free to skip forward. He asked why I didn't like being groped. (I put it delicately.) I told him that because it was my first kiss, and I was so frazzled, I couldn't even think about it until later. But, that I'm sure if you're with the right person, that I can see how it could be enjoyable. (I know. I'm sorry.) Guys, I really REALLY hate looking back on that night. So much. So so so so much.
This guy then proceeds to say that he wishes girls were more.. sexually aggressive. Like that we would send nude pictures. And then said," because girls out here don't do that!" Well duh. This is a majority of LDS culture. And guess what? Girls who send pictures of their boobs can wind up on the internet, because they accidentally sent it to their dad! Or, maybe they just like showing off their boobs. I don't know.
I just told the guy that I don't know any girl who requests those pictures (though apparently there are some?) but if there are, then there are plenty of girls out there willing to just give out handies. That is where the conversation ended.
Now. I knew that guys go for the slutty girls because they hope to get lucky and what not. That was always just subtext though. Something that was never really said out loud in an actual discussion. But this is the first time I have ever had a guy seriously tell me that he wishes girls were easier. That we craved sexual things as much as them. Ladies. I know we do. But we are LADIES. We have to have more respect for ourselves because if you don't, no one else will. You are more than just enjoyment for some guy. You are a person. And you know what, if you want to be known for sleeping around, flashing your ta ta's, and never want any ounce of respect.. then that's on YOU. Behave how you want to be treated. Some guys aren't always going to listen, but you can hold your head high knowing it was their bad decision to try to take advantage of you. No girl "asks for it" unless they physically ask for it. If you're even in a position where someone took advantage of you, get help. Find a friend, parent, sibling, someone you can trust, to talk to. Nobody needs to go through that alone.
That got heavy huh. That's pretty much the end of my rant for the evening, but I did want to compile a little list here at the end with all of the guys I've dated! Not names, but titles because there were 2 guys I forgot I had gone out with, and man they were doozies. Let's face it. They all are. I have bad luck.
Lets see.. The onion guy who wore no shoes.. Mr. Money bags.. Mouth Breather.. Guy who asked to date my friend right after our date.. oh! the short guy at the jamba juice.. guy that took me to taco bell.. Guy who I didn't date, but he followed me around at work one night.. guy who asked me out on a LOT of dates, who I eventually said yes to but got sick the night we were supposed to go out.. other guy that asked me out, and I told him I was on my period (which was true) so I didn't feel like going out.. and.. I think those are all.. just the bad ones of course. I had some good ones. Mini golfing. Comedy sportz. 4 wheeling and fishing. Driving on old country back roads. Best first date ever to the movies and ice cream.. and that's all the good ones. *face palm*
Alright online people. Have a lovely evening. Remember to keep your ta ta's covered. And if you're a boy, you can ignore that..

Duck, Duck... Duck

Okay! This was a few weeks ago, but I am finally getting around to writing about it! So! I had an excellent opportunity to visit the Outer Banks in North Carolina! Oh my goodness! I fell in love with the beaches! Beautiful sand and water! Freezing water most days, but lovely all the same!
However, I want to start this by going a few days before we actually went to Duck. I have such an amazing friend out here that I just call Bestie on here! She knows who she is! <3 But I got to go with her family! Before we went, I stayed with her and her family at their house for a few days! It was so fun! Her parents are so wonderful and made me feel so welcome! (This was the first time I had actually met everyone else in her family! Bless her parent's hearts for inviting a stranger to come with them to the beach!) I also go to meet Besties sisters and grandparents! I tell you what, I have never gotten along with strangers as much in my entire life! Everyone is so sweet! These girls and their family have become as much family to me as my own. I am going to miss them all so much until I see them again. *Insert sobbing here.*
Back to the story! So! Besties family has a pool in the back yard! Big enough for four of us to float on those big floaty things and have room for more! The downfall? Horseflies. Ya'll. I thought I knew horseflies. I didn't. They are wretched creatures. Some as big as your thumb, and they bite!! Hard! It hurts like a mo-fo. These flies also seem to like me. I don't know why. But it was at the point where I couldn't float. I had to crocodile style it and have my eyes and nose above the water. I was wearing a baseball cap, and whenever these flies would land on me (which there were at least 5 that did) they would kill them ON MY HEAD with the flyswatter. Then Ems would go put them on the edge of the pool so they could see what would happen if they continued to come and land near us. It didn't really help, but it was hilarious! She had decided they had sent all of the ones named "Joe" because they are idiots. That's probably funnier to me... hmm..
Anyway! Fast forward to the next day. Imagine me and bestie- burnt to a friggin crisp. I haven't burned like that in a really long time! This is how we know we're best friends. Every morning and night, the day would start and end with us getting lotion on each others backs, and peeling the nasty skin. (Sorry for that image, but it's true!) Waking up in the morning, itching, then lifting up the back of your shirt and asking "How bad is it?" while the other person makes that sound.."uuuuuuuhhhhhmmmm..." and you know.
So by the time we are headed to the beach, we have started our tan (it's just a little more red that we wanted). Bestie and I rode down with her grandparents. They are so sweet! Her Grandpa came up to me the night before we left and said," Now, if you need something to call us, you can call us Jack and Jean or Grandpa and Grandma." From that point on, I had adopted another set of grandparents! :) So sweet.
I have to rewind a day or so. We went to this place called Merks. They have the BEST cheese fries ever!! I kid you not! But we went for lunch a day before we left because we had to get groceries. I had been fighting Besties mom about paying for me. I mean, she was already taking me on their family trip to the beach for free, how could I have her pay for my lunch?? So the checks were being passed out, and I took mine. She tried to grab it from me, but I just put it up to my chest so she couldn't take it. She stopped trying after a minute, and as I am talking to her and using my hands, Grandpa with the quickness that Will Smith talks about in the Fresh Prince theme song, snatched it out of my hands! He ended up paying for all of us, which again. SO SWEET.
Anyway! We had a fun ride down together! I had made the best chocolate chip cookies the night before (seriously) and Bestie had managed to make sure they ended up in the car with us. So we munched on cookies and listened to Elvis and old country songs. They pointed out landmarks and chatted about stories of Besties parents when they had started dating. And also the story about Clarke the tree! (that was told by Bestie, but still! That's how it started!)
We got down to a place called Grandy, where we went to a farmers market that was amazing! So much fresh fruit and home made fudge in so many different flavors! And the sweetest Rottweiler ever! We also saw a pretty sweet ride that Besties mom had had when she first started driving! Sweet!
Well, we get to the beach house which is so close to the beach it's insane! We unloaded the vehicles (We had 3 loaded up!) then went changed into swim suits and went down to the beach! That first day was perfection. The water was really cold but you could walk so far out into the water! We were probably 50-75 yards away from the shore. For me, that's really far! I don't usually go any father than waist deep. But we were only about shoulder deep that far out! So crazy!
Our whole beach week passed in pretty much the same fashion. Wake up around 8, go to the beach until 5. Come up at noon to make sandwiches. And mind you, when we made lunch, we used a loaf of bread a day and we went through jars and jars of jelly. Besties mom makes it herself and it is heavenly! Then, we shower once you're home, and then have dinner. Go to sleep, and do it again! Now, I got a little lazy halfway through the week because of a.. visitor. And because I was so burned after the day at Besties house, and also the two days previous, I had spent more than 5 hours just hanging out in the water! Which, floating around in the waves is just my favorite thing at the beach! So, Wednesday, I stayed in except for 2 hours. Not to mention the second degree burn on my chest. That was fun.
Thursday I stayed out for 4 hours. Friday, a little longer. Saturday, I was actually able to get back into the water, so I spent maybe 3 hours in there. Until the storm came. They had been predicting rain and thunderstorms all week, and we got lucky to not have any during the day. I do have a to back track a little! On Thursday or Friday, we decided to go to Jeanette's pier. Besties parents are particular about who drives the white vehicle. So, when we got Besties dad to agree to let us take it, Grandpa said that he was just going to come down and watch us pull out, to make sure we didn't hit his car. We were parked under the carport, and the car was facing forward, so we wouldn't have needed to back out. When we were about to get into the car, grandpa pulls out $40 for us, and tells us to get some ice cream! So dang sweet!
So, we headed about 30 minutes south of Duck to Kitty Hawk. We had to pay 2$ to get onto the pier and then walked to the end. When we got to the end, two boys came up to us. It was Me, Bestie, Ems, and Rach. (sorry, that is not a creative nick name..) Now, Ems and Rach are so dang pretty! Both are super athletic and can rock whatever they wear! (Bestie is super adorbs too, but I am leaving her out of this due to her beau!)
So these two boys come up and say, "So did you catch anything?" Ems looks at him, and says.."We don't have fishing poles. How are we going to catch anything?" He just laughed a little and said it was his pick up line. We all laughed, and they started talking. The boys eventually asked us our names and ages. So, we have Rach and Ems at 17. Bestie at 22. And me bringing up the rear and a ripe old 23. Bestie and I walked away after they said 19. Besties actual words were "I'm out of this." Neither of us have any game. Me, because I haven't really been a perpetual dater. Just random ones here and there. Her, because of the previously mentioned boyfriend. After chatting when them for a little bit, we decided it was time to head back.
We stopped at Fatboyz. This is a really small place ran by all boys. It sells all sorts of things, including ice cream. As we are about to order, this hilarious guy at the window (it's not a drive thru, just one that you have to walk up to) asks us if we want to take a selfie with him. So, after we've placed the order, we indeed took a selfie! We ate outside for a bit, but really needed to get on the way. As we were leaving, the same guy who took the picture calls to us," You guys come back and see me! I'm here EVERY DAY!"
That pretty much ends that night. On our last night there, we decided to go to the shops. I needed to find some gifts for my family, and we had also heard good things from Ems and Rach. They went running every day and what not, so they had wandered the shops.
We had a fun night wandering down the boardwalk. We laughed and told stories. Fun things like that. Us four became thick as thieves. I love those three so much! At one of the shops, I saw this cute sweatshirt with a goofy looking duck on it. Sunglasses and everything. I haaad to get it! After Bestie saw it, she said she absolutely had to get one too! Now we have matching bestie shirts!
We also were able to get one more ice cream treat with the leftover money from grandpa. So we took these delicious home made ice cream sandwiches back for everyone. They were delicious! Home made cookies and ice cream! We watched Finding Nemo and played Uno!
Sadly, the next day we had to come home. We woke up early and packed our stuff. We worked on getting everything into the now two cars (Besties other sister who carried the food had left the day before since she had work the next day.) with what we had left. It was a tight fit! Sadly, Bestie and I weren't able to eat breakfast before it was all packed up. And it's a 4 or 5 hour drive back.
Bestie was afraid to ask them to stop so we could eat, because we didn't want to hold the progress up. So she texted her mom and was telling her. Shortly after, her mom called her grandma and said," Tell grandpa you need to go to the bathroom. The girls are hungry and didn't get breakfast." We pulled over about 5 minutes later.
Sweet grandpa actually ended up paying for two bottles of water and doughnuts for us! (The water at the house was not very good..at all.) And we got back on the road! When it was time for lunch, we stopped again at the Virginia Diner. It was so good! I had chicken tenders that felt like they were butter! They just melted! Bestie and Grandma had the fried chicken, which they said was also delicious! Grandma also tried spoon bread, but didn't like it much at all. Grandpa had the buffet so, he got a bit of everything!
After lunch, we got back on the road and made it home about 2 hours later. I feel like this account of the trip is just dry. But, it was seriously so much fun! I couldn't have gone with a better group of people and I am so grateful that they invited me to come!
Well, that is my story about Duck. Like I said, there is more, but they are just small things that don't translate unless you were actually there. I will say, that Grandpa and Grandma left the next day. We woke up early to say goodbye. I hugged both of them goodbye, and grandpa gave me a hug that was just one of the best ever! One that makes you feel like family. I am so privileged to have met them.
As always, I love you guys and wish you the best! I also hope you can visit the OBX! It's truly beautiful.

I Wish I Was Sherlock Holmes

Guys. I am obsessed. I have loved the stories of Sherlock Holmes. Especially when portrayed by Mr Robert Downey Jr. I loved when the same sort of character was played on House M.D. by the amazingly talented Hugh Laurie. And now, I love it played by the just as amazingly talented Benedict Cumberbatch. My appeal is probably not entirely what one would expect. I admire his ability to disconnect himself from emotions. That sounds weird huh? Yeah. It is a little. But emotions, they kind of suck sometimes. They hold people back. Like fear. Fear is understandable. Being afraid of heights is easy enough to deal with. Just stay away from situations where you are required to be high up in the air. Spiders. Keep a fly swatter, bug spray, cup and paper to capture it, or toilet paper to kill it. Maybe even someone who isn't afraid of them will come to your aid and save you. Fear of rejection? Now, that one is harder. Rejection comes in all sorts of forms. You didn't get a job. You didn't make a team. You didn't get the guy/girl. They all sting. Unfortunately, there really isn't a thing you can do to avoid it, besides being a shut it. But, then you die alone..
Emotions have been giving me hell the last couple days. I wish I could just drink formaldehyde or put on 3 nicotine patches to figure things out. Instead, my brain is muddled with feelings and I have a hard time separating them from fact and necessity. Instead of just saying," I'm going to do..." it's more like," I feel like I could maybe.." which is no help at all. Attitude is an important thing all. People always say that when you have a positive attitude, you can do anything. Well, that maybe be true if you also believe that what you put out, is what you receive. Well. I just spent the last 3 months putting out positive vibes with high hopes. That isn't what I got back. I got disappointments and dead ends. And sad. Freaking Sherlock doesn't have to put out feelings. He just knows. He is so confident that he is never wrong once he has all of the data that he never is. That's a little cocky, but you catch my drift. How would it be to feel so sure of yourself, that no matter what anyone says? They think you're crazy but because you have all of the information, you can't be wrong. And you know it.
He gets the factual stuff correct. How people got killed, who did it. Maybe not always why, but he gets it right. He has his John Watson for the feelings. Sometimes, I feel more like John. Feeling everything more because he's feeling it for two people. Not that I'm feeling for two people, but it just seems so intense sometimes. For example. I'll think of things that I've heard, or things people have said to me. They make my heart wrench sometimes. So much so that it's a flinch. Closing my eyes and turning my head to try to block it out. I'd plug my ears, but that doesn't really help.
Not only can he shut out feelings and give way to all sorts of facts and data, he chooses who he lets into his life, and to what extent. People, we are social creatures. We NEED human interaction to survive. But, along with that human interaction comes disappointment. You can feel for a person deeply. Strongly. You can feel protective. So many other things. But what happens when the person you feel any type of feeling for weather that be protective or love, isn't returned. When you go out on a limb for them, only to have them cut the limb that you were standing on, just to let you fall alone?
One thing that he and I do have in common is how we feel about our friends. I have a few more than he does, but we hold them with such high regard and esteem. That is something that a person can be proud of. The feeling of devotion, in all its different types, to a person. To know that they have the same devotion to you. That, is when feelings can be beneficial.
Along with other feelings; joy, excitement, relief, and love. To laugh from the deepest part of yourself, the kind that hurts your stomach and cheeks. To feel connected to a group of people, in one common purpose. The happiness that can bring. How your heart lifts up in your chest, and feels like you're glowing with the fullness of the feeling. To feel so lucky to know who you know, to have in your life those you do have.
Really. I have a love/hate relationship with feelings.
For each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Pretty sure that this law can apply to feelings as well. For that joy, there is devastation. For that love, there is heartbreak. For trust, there is deception. I know why we have the opposites. "Man are that they might have joy." Pretty sure that is just part of it. And I know that if we don't feel sorrow, we can't feel joy. We have to be able to feel the difference.
Sometimes, I wonder how it would be just to feel content all the time. Not hot or cold. Not happy or sad. Just to be. Would that be a relief? Or with that, would the loss of feelings be something you would miss? I would assume so. But, we humans are never happy. Think about it. It's summer, and we are praying for winter. It's winter and we beg for summer heat. Is there ever a time where we are just happy with how things are?
Why can we not just accept it as it is? Why do we always feel the need to change situations, even if they aren't bad?  You make enough money to pay your bills and live comfortably, not excessively, but you still want to make more money? You want to have more things? It's so frustrating.
After this whole rant, part of me still wishes I was him. Mere fact. Data. Very little feeling to influence decisions. The other part of me appreciates the feelings. The diversity can make for interesting times, and brings some of the greatest feelings. One of my favorites, gratitude.
It might not seem like it right now, but I am grateful for the way things are. Other things are going to take me longer to be grateful for. Some things occur quickly. Things like my family, and closest friends that I am so happy to have.
I always hope that my friends and family can feel as grateful to have me, as I do them. They are the most important people in my life, and I love them all. <3

Dem Utah Boys Tho

Hey blog family! How are you all doing this lovely evening?? It's just about midnight here, so I am hoping to get this blog posted and done before 1 a.m. I've been doing amazingly well at going to bed before 2, and in most cases 1, and I would love to keep that up! So! I have had one thing especially burning on my mind. I swear, I am just about bubbling over. I don't know if this is a good thing, or a bad thing? More because it's a situation that I can't exactly control at this time.
Boys, you may want to avert your eyes. Or not. Whatever. But I miss Utah men. SO MUCH. LDS men in particular. They are so clean. Not just in appearance but in behavior as well. I think that is one of the things that appeals to people about our church. You can really tell who takes pride in their appearance, more than just the grooming aspect. Most of the guys out here seen with red solo cups, beer bottles, and cigarettes hanging out of their mouths.
Let me say this. I have dated both ends of the spectrum. So, I am not harboring a prejudice against it. But as my ladies from Target know, I tend to lean toward a clean cut man who takes care of his clothes, hair, and yes, even hands. Calluses are fine, but I don't really like having grease and oil stuck in the cracks to get all over me.
Plus, less guys in Utah have those stupid pictures of girls hanging all over them. That just makes you look slutty, guys. Only sluts look for other sluts. Which I guess is fine if that's what you're looking for. So! Back to the point. Utah/LDS men. They glow. I didn't understand that whole thing where people said that LDS members seems to glow. I do now, after seeing all the rough people out here. Good heavens, it's shocking.
And not that I don't have respect for those that are less fortunate, but even a lot of the members out here are lacking that light. That could just be all of the hard times that have befallen everyone now days, but there is something about it. Something about Utah. (Not Mary. No. Get it... ha!) Not to mention it's home.
Streets are numbered there. So you can find your way around so much easier! Here, your landmarks are "the big tree" or "the railroad tracks". I honestly have not been able to get my sense of direction since I landed here! At home, I could tell which way was north! Here, I have no idea what direction I am facing! And yes, I look at the sun! But that really only helps when it's earlier in the morning, or later at night.
Also, the environment is so different. Sometimes, it's really unsettling. I've heard warnings about different parts of the state where it's really rough, and you need to be super careful to not get yourself into trouble. Utah? You have West Valley to worry about. Maybe a couple other cities, but really, that's about it. Here, I'm just on the "good side of town". Any farther down the road, and we would be in the projects where it isn't safe to walk to your mailbox alone. People also take guns with them wherever they go.
I am not one to go against guns. I think people should own them. People kill people WITH guns. Guns just don't go shoot people of their own accord. Still. The fact that we need to worry about crazy people coming at us all puffed up, to the point where we need to have a gun at all time, that is scary. The most you'll get there is flipped off. Sometimes shot. Sometimes.
Anyways. on the same sort of track, I have been thinking again about a few people who are like "Hello! We talked 5 years ago, but we don't talk anymore. I'm coming back into your life. How do you feel about that?" Let me tell you how I feel about that. I feel like there are people who just want to be loved by all people. That really isn't a problem because everyone has a personality type. What IS a problem, is those people tend to be very self centered. They want to take take take all day long, and give nothing back. They're like black holes.
What really drives me up the wall, is that I am the (stupid) personality type that puts too much faith in people. I expect honesty from them, because I give it. I expect openness because I share it. That very rarely happens. Those people are too busy coming up with the next "thing" to hook their "friends" into asking them about their lives so they can gush about themselves. I know. I have this blog. I talk about myself in them. But guess what? It's my blog, I can do what I want. And do I leave you having with tag lines like," I fell in love again. My heart is broken, and I can't believe you did that." No. I'm pretty sure I am spewing all details (however unwanted) left and right so that you don't have to guess. Except for names. I do that mostly to protect my friends. I want attention just like anyone else, but I am not desperate to have it. I have friends and family who I love very much, and I can call them and chat whenever I want. Plus, I have awesome Bestie out here who I LOVE to death! She is fantastic. She knows it! (Go on, brush your shoulders off!)
As for male attention, there is none out here that I am currently seeking, and none back in Utah waiting for me. I do have a problem that I tend to fall completely for people so quickly, and it isn't something I can get over quickly. It took me years to get over the missionary. And I am still working on getting over a couple. Both of them are on the cocky side. ( Which that is totally my fault for liking that kind of thing. What can I say? Confidence gets me.) They both are pretty good looking. (Another weakness, so sue me.) One likes to yank me around like a yo-yo. The other? Ignores me entirely. I can't think of nicknames for them by themselves, so they are now "the terrible two". Such fun. And I fall for that every time! Except the missionary. He was different. Actually, now that I think about it, after he decided to just walk away, I started dating different guys. So basically, this is his fault. (It makes me feel better to place blame.) Now that I am older and I know kind of what I want, I've been having a hard time finding it. My standards are high again. Not that I super lowered them, but the last time I did, I got boob grabbed and slobbered on. So, I don't want to do that again.
That I think is all I have tonight. Except for the tragic passing of cute little Nemo. I had a feeling he was going to die because he couldn't stand up by himself. Any time he did, he fell over and just lay there like he was already dead. I held him today for about 10 minutes, maybe a few longer. He was so scared. All shaking and what not. He eventually calmed down and and took a short (really short) snooze. I wanted to keep him separated from Judas and Iago, (the two that are alive and killed him) because I saw they were being mean to him, but that didn't happen. We don't have the other cage set up. But, Nemo is passed, and buried in the woods. I guess my uncle didn't want to tell me, so my aunt did. So sad. (That's actually funnier if you had been out here with me for the first month.)
And! I want to leave you with a recommendation! If you like the period piece dramas like Jane Eyre, North & South, Pride & Prejudice, and etc..., check out The Paradise on Netflix. This is excellent! The story has held me really well, and I loved the actors/actresses in it! Beautifully done! Also, don't raise pheasants.
I love you all! Sleep tight! <3

The Trip

I'm having a tough time tonight. There really isn't a whole lot on my mind, but it's been pressing on me for weeks. The same things. Always the question of "What am I doing". Tonight though, I don't want to focus on that. I'm going to tell a story. It's relatively short, but I realized as I was rattling this story off to the sister missionaries, that it's a story I really haven't told yet, and it actually means a lot to me. It isn't really the kind of story that you're thinking. Not at all like my disastrous first kiss, but it's a story. It's the story of me leaving Utah.
I'm skipping past the decision making and how that all came about. It's literally the story of what happened after I got out of my mom's car and walked into the airport. The first time I have actually done something like that. Something completely alone. Here we go.
After I got out of the car and hugged my family goodbye, and cried, I walked into the airport and waited in line to get my boarding pass and check my bags. Well, I had started out standing behind these two men who were really loud, but they looked at me and said, you might want to go to the other line, it seems they are having problems at this one. I said thanks, then moved to the line on my left. It did go wayyy quicker. However, not fast enough so that my bags didn't tip over while I was standing there. I had three, in case you were wondering. And for some reason, my stupid bag on top of my big one kept swiveling around and tipping both of them over.
After I got the two bags checked, he asked me to take them to the other line and have them put on the belt to board the plane. As I am walking that direction, my bags tip over AGAIN. I was already freaking out because of what I was about to do. I was seriously considering just taking the 300+ dollar loss on my ticket and just go home. Except that my mom told me that she wouldn't come pick me back up. That I couldn't chicken out.
So, my bags are totally unstable, and so are my emotions, and everyone is just watching me struggle. Until the really nice lady that puts the bags on the belt walked over and said, "Here, let me help you with those." She was soooo sweet! I guess I am the personality type that has to share EVERYTHING in my life, because after she said that I said, "Thank you so much. I'm moving and I'm really just freaking out." She nodded and listened and said,"Wow! That's great! I've got your bags taken care of!" When I just stood there, she said, "You can go to the security line now and board your flight. And good luck!" That woman has no idea how much I needed that. Not just the good luck, but the directions. I had no idea where I was going.
So, I went through security, and had to take both of my computers out of my bag, and take off all of the layers I was wearing. I silently apologized to the lady running the belt for the security because it was taking me forever. But, I eventually got through, and packed my bag back up, put my boots on, and went to my gate.
This was seriously one of the smallest gates, and probably in the most ghetto part of the airport. So, I am texting my cousin, and my sister while waiting for my flight. Now, this was Valentines day. Technically it was night time. My flight was supposed to be at 11:58 pm or something? Well.. my plane didn't actually arrive until I think almost 1 am. Not to mention that, but it was when that huge storm was passing over the East coast. The one that shut down Georgia.
And is it just me, or is boarding the plane the worst thing ever?? You have your bag and you're trying not to hit people with it as you go down the aisle. I am telling you, nothing ever makes me feel fatter or more in the way than that! And trying to lift that heavy thing over my head and put it in the bin while people are standing in line behind me? And?? My seat is in the middle, so I have to climb over people! I hate that! Plus, I sat between two guys, and that was a little awkward. I was hoping that one of them would be kind of good looking. Not so much.
Well, as we are flying, I was trying to get some sleep, but I was also scared to sleep because I was worried I would miss my next flight. Well, I had my Ipod playing for a lot of the ride. I watched a couple of movies! Thor was one. I don't remember the other. Warm Bodies maybe? Well, I still had a little while on the plane, and my eyes were burning and my head was starting to hurt. So I turned it off and closed my eyes. Of course I missed the drinks and snacks that were being passed out. I did eventually get a cup of water so that was nice.
Well, after a really bumpy flight, I landed in Charlotte, NC. Which is really stupid because I was going to Raleigh-Durham, NC. Why can they not just have a flight that goes to Raleigh and then I wouldn't have to worry about that?? Well, I landed in Charlotte around 6 am. My flight was supposed to leave at 7:15 or something. I really don't remember, and I was also really really tired.
Well, not only was my first flight delayed, but Charlotte airport was the most unprofessional airport ever. I couldn't believe it. By the time we actually boarded the plane, we were supposed to have already taken off! Luckily, the flight was really short. But, I was still late landing! I was hoping we would get in early because it had been since I think noon the day before that I had eaten a real meal and by then, I had a roaring headache.
Since we were late, I texted my aunt and uncle to tell them that I was headed toward baggage claim. They said they were already here and just to text them when I got outside. I was like... oooooooh no. I can't get food because they are here, and I don't want to make them wait! So, I sped-walked to the baggage claim and of course beat the bags. I was hoping to at least find a soda machine to get a drink. But, I was trying to hurry.
While I was waiting, I texted my mom and told her that I was landed, and how bad my head hurt, and that I was hungry. She told me to take some medicine and find food. I told her I was trying to hurry so that Keith and Pam didn't have to wait on me. Well, the bags started coming off. I saw one right away because I have a cute little heart from my roommate that she got me for Christmas hanging off the handle. The other one, I was sure I would see fast because it is a weird shaped bag.
However, it was upside down. So, as it went past me, I was thinking...that's probably my bag. Then I saw the owl duct tape on the handle. Yep. It was mine. So, I grabbed my other bags and practically ran to the other side to catch it. I pulled it off and sent a text to my aunt to let her know I was headed outside.
Then I saw it. A soda machine. I had a few dollars in my pocket and I pulled them out, and tried to feed them into the machine. Of course. It wasn't taking them. I gave up quickly, and just walked outside into the freezing East coast humidity. Winter out here is like.. down to your bones cold.
As I kept walking, my bags kept flipping over! Just like they did at the SLC airport! I was too tired and didn't feel good at all, and I did not want to put up with this crap! So, I let them twist and then stood by a bench.
Thankfully, a few moments later, my aunt, uncle, and cousin drove up. They parked a little farther away, so I started to get my bags to move. They were twisted so badly, I didn't actually take any steps towards them! They would not cooperate! But, my uncle came over, gave me a hug, and I said, "Thank you.. I can't get.. they won't...?" No real sentence. But he and my cousin John helped me get them into the car.
The last part of the story is this: my mom had texted my aunt to tell her my head hurt and that I was hungry. So she said," Okay. We need to get you food and medicine."
That is how my life here started.
There was more that happened that day. I stayed awake as long as I could, but fell asleep around 1 or 2 pm, and then slept until 7 or 8 pm. Woke up, ate food, and went back to sleep.
Anyways. That's my story.
I know it isn't really a big, important story, but, it seems so surreal even now. It's hard to think about it. More because it was such a whirlwind thing. It all went so fast.
And.. that's all I have to say about that..
Night all. Love you.

WHAT AM I DOING??

I have had such a hard time trying to decide what to do for this next blog post. Mostly because I am feeling a little insignificant. Insignificant? Is that the right word? Probably not. But there is a reason to feel whatever I am feeling. That's because there are so many blogs out there that are meaningful. Like food blogs!! Everyone loves food!! Or blogs about battling problems like abuse, addiction, or rights of humans. Important things. This blog? This is me rambling about nothing important, really. Except every once in a while where something really gets my goat. I guess this really isn't targeted for huge crowds of people. For that to work, I would need to be hilarious like Ellen. She is great, isn't she?? And I know, I know. I could change this blog up, and write about something meaningful. But what? What in the world do I have experience with that nobody else does? Or that everyone else can't figure out for themselves? I can tell you about doorknob problems in your family. I can also tell you about things that get on my nerves. About how much I love my friends and family. Or about how terrifying my first kiss was. Those things really don't matter much for anyone except those that were living it with me. Really? Did I absolutely HAVE to tell you about doorknobs?? How is that relevant to anything or anybody except maybe those doing home renovations??

I guess as I said before when I was defending my type of blogging (which is more like journaling than anything) that I write for me. I write because I love it. And someone said once, that you write what you know. Obviously, I don't know anything particularly important or impressive, but it is definitely in my rights to write about me stumbling through life. I guess that's something everyone who reads this could relate to. Life. We are all living it. Some are living it better than others.

I suppose this is sort of on my mind because here I am in Virginia with no job and running out of money. Okay, I'm not that close to running out of money, but still. When you have no income at all, you just have to be very conscious about the money you spend. I've been praying like it's the end of the world to know what I am doing out here. Anyone that talked to me seriously about me moving out here knows I had a plan. I was going to come out here. Get a job. Stay at my aunt and uncles' house for a month, maybe two to get a car and a place to live sorted out. Then, I was going to continue to work, and establish residency so I could go to school at Longwood University.  Well. I'm here. And nothing has worked out. I moved here so sure this is where I was supposed to be. Divine intervention redirected me pretty abruptly. 

I had a really really good job back in Utah, making enough money to support myself entirely and not be strapped for cash too bad. I had really awesome friends (few they may be) and roommates (who are also now married). I had a car. I had my family 30 minutes away. I really had a lot going for me. Now? Not so much. It has been so frustrating trying to figure this out. I will play it off like it's no big deal because I have been afraid to admit how terrified I am. Or how frustrated.

Since 15 years old, I have been basically making my own way. Besides the normal things like groceries. But, I was buying my own clothes, or if I wanted to eat out, I paid for that. For any recreational things? Money from my own pocket. Now, here I am 23 years old, feeling like I'm 12 again. Totally dependent on the kindness and love of my family out here. I love them for it. I really wouldn't be able to be here without them. It's just getting used to the fact that right now, I have nothing but what came with me in my suitcases. (At least I have A TON of movies). Reverting to that type of dependency is so hard. Anyone that has moved out on their own, then has suddenly had to move back home knows. It's like that.. but worse. 

It also really worries me. I know that my mom worries that I am getting on my aunt and uncles nerves. I make sure to ask them too, because I definitely don't want to wear out my welcome. But I have gotten a lot of pressure from outside people that say,"Just do that. Just do this." Do you not think I have tried that?? Do you think I haven't been exploring any option I can? And before I get comments asking "have you considered this?" let me just tell you what I have considered and have prayed about. Should I go on a mission? What about school? Directing me to a job. Am I in the wrong part of Virginia? Or the wrong state entirely? Maybe the wrong country? Am I supposed to be dating non-members? Or dating at all? What about Utah? Am I supposed to go home? Was I out here to work on my spirituality for the summer or was this a permanent move? What about this job option? Is this one that I should consider?

Really. I feel like I have pursued so many different avenues but I have nothing. Now I wonder if I am even able to hear the Lord telling me what to do. Am I worthy enough for that? Does he even hear me praying to him about this? WHY AM I HERE? It has been so fun just being with my family out here, but I can't sit here and do nothing for forever. Uugh.

Hopefully you see my frustration. I do value my friend opinions and guidance. But, if you are going to give me some, can you wait a week? Because I feel so slammed by the voices in my head, on a constant loop thinking about jobs. School. And "what the hell am I doing?" I think that a lot of people forget how freaking hard this is. So when getting this advice that seems condescending, all it does is stress me out more. Revisiting that feeling of "Do you not understand that I am doing everything in my power? That I moved here because the Lord gave me that feeling, the one you can't ignore, to move out here and now I have no idea what I'm supposed to do? That I have been waiting for Him to put His hand in my life in the ways I am expecting so I can have a successful life?" I know some of you caught that "expecting" in that last sentence. He has had His hand in other things. Like my testimony has been challenged, strengthened, and expanded. At least in certain aspects. In others? I am still totally lacking.

Anyway. I have one more thing to comment on. This is totally switching gears. Jumping tracks. And it's more directed at the stupid boys who do this, and the poor girls on the receiving end. GUYS. WHY DO YOU THINK WE WANT TO SEE YOUR... MAN BUSINESS?? It is so gross looking. I'm sorry, but no woman will say," Oh wow. Yes. I really love to look at them because they are so handsome." No. That doesn't happen. Why am I telling you this? Well, I have had the worst luck ever. A few of the guys I used to talk to (note the word USED) made the decisions to send me pictures of their.. things. I'm trying to be somewhat delicate about this, but also make my point so be patient with me.

The first time I got one of those awful pictures, I was 17 years old and working at Red Robin. I was physically at Red Robin. Working. And this was before a little image popped up next to the message to warn you what is in it. All it said was "New Message" and then there it was. All crooked and nasty looking. I screamed. Or yelped would be more accurate. Thank goodness it was really slow that day and there was nobody there. I asked this particular guy what in the heck was he thinking sending me that thing!? (Quick New Girl reference, "What are you doing?? Waving that thing around like an idiot?!") He said he didn't know. We never talked again. The second time was one of the guys that I worked with at Red Robin. Bleeeech. And the last one, I got last week. Once again. Someone back in Utah. So far, my extent with the guys out here has been a really annoying 21 year old boy that I had to block because he wouldn't leave me the heck alone. But Utah? Nasty boy part pictures galore. So, this guy sent me one. I promptly said "Ew" then blocked him on my phone too, and unfriended him on Facebook. I also think I blocked him there too. All I want to say is that if any boys are reading this: STOP IT. Don't do it. If a girl asks to see it, she better be your wife. Otherwise, she is lying and is just trying to impress you by making you think that she wants to see it. 

We don't look at it like you guys do. All proud like your manhood relies on it completely. We don't look at our boobs that way! Some girls have lots of boob, and some girls don't. It is what it is. In any case, girls think that you being shirtless is handsome enough. That's about the extent of what we want to see.

Okay, that is all for tonight. Love you guys, as per usual.

Just Like Pride and Prejudice

I have been meaning to write this particular post for while. We have had a lot of things happen out here. Unfortunately, my aunt's grandma died a couple of weeks ago, so the week following, was filled with funeral preparations, house guests, and everyone kind of leaning on each other. And, the week after, which happens to be this week, which is this week, we have just been making up stuff we neglected the week before. Not to mention I have been job hunting. I had 3 new leads for jobs. I have sent resumes to two of them, but the other one, I am just not totally sure about. The person offering it is a little... different. I just need to ponder that one a little more.
Anyway! This post! As you can see, it has a little reference to Jane Austen's masterpiece. It kind of makes me laugh though! My life currently, is a little reminder of that beautiful story. Minus the two hotties that come strolling in and out of Elizabeth's life. I mean, I would love to meet a Mr. Darcy.
The way that I am looking at this being similar is this. I am a twenty something year old girl who is, dare I say, fairly good looking. Maybe not the best looking in my family or anything, or any of my friends! (Awww, I love you guys and think you are all so charming and pretty!) I'm from a background where girls are notorious for getting married young. Not exactly at my mothers' urging, but more like that is kind of how the girls in the LDS religion do it. Only because they have missionaries that go out, and when they come home, they get married right away. (Honestly, that can kind of be a mistake. No wonder the divorce rate is out of control. We barely know who we are at 19, 20, or even 21. How are we supposed to make decisions for spending our lives, nay eternity, with a person?) I have sisters. I do have two brothers, so that's not the same. But still!! Nor did I grow up on a farm, but still. Other small similarities include the love of reading, walks, and poor piano playing.
I have a best friend who got married before me. She didn't settle though. She loves the man she married, and they are very happy and have a beautiful son together. My sister, met the man of her dreams. She got married first. I know Jane is older than Elizabeth, so going off of that, I would be Jane. But, I haven't actually met a Bingley either. So, right now, this makes me Elizabeth. Or Kitty. Or Mary. But, I get to narrow it down further so I can be the epic heroine.
I met my Mr. Wickham. That would be the fire fighter. He seemed so nice at first. I thought he was charming. And handsome. Plus, he is a man in uniform. Woo hoo! But, he turned out to be a jerk who really likes boobs. Terrible.Or, it could have been the other guy. I don't know his nickname yet.. He was also a man in uniform. He took me on one date, he drunk dialed me twice. On the second one, he asked me out again, for the next day, and then never talked to me again. Neither of them ran away with either of my sisters, but the commonality between the them still holds!
My other, larger common thing is that I have gone across the country to be with my aunt and uncle! No way huh?? Seriously. I am living it. Once again, except for the Mr. Darcy. I just don't understand why he hasn't showed up yet. Or if I have met him, and I think he is a jerk. There is only one person out here that I dislike, and he was just like.. really annoying. And super creepy. So, he can be Mr. Collins. I think I have just about everybody accounted for. If only Elizabeth got a new best friend when she was out with her aunt and uncle! That would be my super cool friend, who I also don't have a nickname for yet! I will just call her Bestie, because her other nickname that actually goes with her real name, also starts with a B! So there's that! And instead of sending my sister letters, I face time her, text her, and talk to her on the phone.
I also do that with my mom! My mom still tells me not to cut my hair, and to take care of my body. That way, a guy will think I am a hottie with a body and I will get married, he will whisk me away, and we will live happily ever after! At least until after the honeymoon and real life kicks back in. Plus! My dad loves me! Not that I am his favorite, but we definitely have a good relationship! He was so hoping that the guy I was supposed to be with, or that my purpose for life could have been in Utah. He didn't want me to go. I was really really sad to leave him though.
Anyways. That is how my life is like Pride and Prejudice. Summed up, I'm looking for love (well, not actively anymore. I feel a little over it), the current chapter of my life has me with my fantastic aunt and uncle across the country, away from my family and my dear sisters, that I love. And right now, I think this is what I need and where I am supposed to be.
I love you guys!